I love being a barely functioning human...
I miss you
sorry I don't know how to exist...
sorry capitalism wrecked my brain while noone was actively observing me for a few years...
I had some bad thoughts today...
I am going to be working through some sobriety stuff this week, so Im probably going to drink myself to death this weekend at the funeral.
At least then I wont feel the way I do right now.
At least then the people that I want in my life with a place of permanency wont leave me.
I'll just leave them.
It's what they want anyways.
I mean, they didn't observe me for years anyways, what's an eternity longer of being unseen.
It feels like it would be better than this.
where I never asked to be this alone.
where people seem to think I like being this alone.
where people only talk to me if they need something from me.
otherwise, im just the background
sure it lets me blend easy
sure it lets me hide in plain sight
sure it lets me sneak up on anyone I choose
...
...
at my core
i just want to understand
and people don't seem to like that
and my logic isnt sound anymore
through and through
yknow
there are the words of others racing by yew and fawn
I cannot do anything but stand in the river
the words of every person who I ever met
theres just too much
and the bad ones are loudest
even now
I cant forget them, but its all so fuzzy
like the thunder in the distance to a neanderthal
fear with no detail
and they were wrong
and I told them they were wrong
and I was removed from their active perspective
so why do I have to keep living through it
why do I have to see their mouths move when I close my eyes
why do their words still shape my being
why can I not be a success in the eyes of some while a failure in the eyes of others
why do I feel such responsibility for the feelings others hold about me and the space that I occupy in their lives
why
when no one else thinks about the space they take up in the lives of strangers
...can hardly get them to think about the lives of those in their life...
how
how do you
how
how do you
how
how do you
release
thoughts
I dont want some of these memories anymore
thats what the drugs were for
why do I have to have them
all of them
why am I the keeper of these things
why do I have to house this library
im only one person
how am I supposed to keep these books in order when whole stacks get tipped over in search of knowledge
how am I to be jailer and jailee
how am I supposed to be customer and proprietor
when was I supposed to learn how to forget?
or am I just supposed to be the vessel
holding them here until we leave
...
am I just the ferryman for lost souls?
no
im the ferry
and
im lost without a man
because men don't want me
boys do
and boy do I want to be wanted
to feel loved
a sense of belonging
a place of existence without feeling guilty just for breathing the same air as those that grace this great blue marble