"I'd be content if I didn't have kids because I have nieces and nephews, but I'd like kids of my own."
Sooo you want kids.
#letscontradictourselves
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@bananapancakehunter
"I'd be content if I didn't have kids because I have nieces and nephews, but I'd like kids of my own."
Sooo you want kids.
#letscontradictourselves
Why am I always burping?!
#reasonswhyimsingle
This post is going to have me sound like a complete asshole, which I swear I'm not, but sometimes you just have to get the bad shit out soooo sorry, not sorry.
Do you ever wonder how people less attractive than you have found someone? I guess people just have lower standards than I do. But as I pass "ugly" couples in public, or see horrible people on reality tv with a significant other, I have to wonder, why not me? Why can't I find someone?
It's harder to find someone when you're "picky", as my sister tells me I am. But it's my life - shouldn't I be? I'm not going to settle, but it's just so hard to be alone sometimes. I will never date someone just to date someone, but why does it have to be so damn difficult?
They tell you to have a playful opening line when reaching out to matches... Something simple but light. Something more than "Hi how are you?"
I try, I really do. I even take some of the suggestions that the app has. I don't know if it's just me, but it's often disastrous.
Examples:
"Hi, what's one thing that would brighten your day right now?"
"Titties."
Oookay. Pass.
Or there's today's...
"Hey there. What's your favorite breakfast food?"
"The usual... Bacon, eggs, maybe your pussy, pancakes."
Not that I'm opposed to that, but opening line? Come on, people.
Can someone please explain to me why guys like you on dating apps, then don't respond to your messages?
Dates 4 and 5
Again, I wait and again, he doesnāt make a move so I step up to the plate for a fourth time and ask if he wants to go out again. He suggests the movies, so I ask him if he will see the Lion King with me. He agrees (bonus points!).
We enjoyed the movie, I enjoyed his company, we hold hands, then kiss at the car.
All in all, a very pleasant evening.
I ask when Iām going to see him again, because at this point, Iām sick of waiting. I like him and I want to see him, and he clearly has a problem making the first move, unless heās just not that into me. Sigh. We shall see.
He asks if I want to meet him in Boston, so we agree to meet at Faneuil Hall. Iām pretty nervous about this. I donāt want to drive in, so I park at wonderland and take the T in, alone, on a Saturday night. Itās cold out, but I like the cold so I decide to sit on a bench outside and listen to the guy playing music on the street.
I texted Bryan letting him know that I was almost there, then again when I got there, and where I was. No response. I wait a bit and call. No answer. Itās about 9 pm now. WTF. So I wait.... and wait some more. Finally, he texts saying he is en route. He gets there at almost 9:45. Sits down next to me on the neck and proceeds to tell me that he laid down for. Quick power nap, which turned into much less neāer than 20 minutes. Nowhere in his explanation does he apologize for keeping me waiting. Iām simmering inside.
We go into a bar, get a drink, get jostled around, and listen to a band play some Irish music. Itās too loud to really have much conversation so we stand there awkwardly holding our drinks, looking at each other once in a while. Heās standing a comfortable foot or two away from me. When I look around and see so many friends talking and laughing over the music, couples with their arms around each other or leaning into each other, I just n worse about it. We leave after about an hour and a half of this torture. He offers to drive me to my car, which is the only redeeming action of the night. (Thank god because I really didnāt want to take the subway back home by myself)
As he drops me off, I lean in for a kiss. He says heāll see me soon. I decide to give him one more chance since he did offer to drive me back.
Date 3
I decide to wait him out for a few days to see if heāll make any attempts to plan for a third date with me. I wait, I wait, and nothing. Just some mundane conversations. Itās hard to have a normal conversation with Bryan because he never texts back right away, often letting hours go by before responding. A conversation takes a few days to get through, and I am thoroughly frustrated.
So I lose my patience and give in. āWhen do I get to see you again? I can come to you this time.ā
āI reckon (again with this?!) we could hang out and watch a movie here.ā
āOkay sure.ā
So I embark on my forty-five minute journey to his apartment. And he has the ultimate guys apartment, complete with sports and music posters, baseball bobble heads (lots of them), plenty of DVDs, a gaming system, and ugly mismatched furniture (ie. oversized recliner chair that you walk into when you come in the door, orangey leather couch, and red ikea locker tv console.... and yes, it locks).
We sit on the couch and look for a movie to watch. I let him pick as long, as itās not a scary movie. He picks this alien bug movie that is so bad, I watch in awe of the badness, telling myself that maybe it gets better. It doesnāt. And this is one of his favorite movies. š¤¦š¼āāļø
Next time Iām picking the movie.
Then he finally makes a move and kisses me. Yes! We make out for a bit, very enjoyable, and he says, āI have another room in the back if youād like to see itā.
I couldnāt help it, I busted out laughing in his face. I thought that was hysterical. I also didnāt think we were ready for that yet. I mean, I miss sex but if we are going to be dating longer, itās just not time yet. So I told him, āIād like to, but not tonightā.
And on that happy note, I left. We hugged and he kissed me some more on my way out. I said, ātalk to you soonā, to which he responded, āIāll SEE you soonā. Yay!
Dates 1 and 2
End of summer 2019: match with Bryan
Heās cute in an āI donāt try that hard but Iāve got the boy next door adorableness thing going for meā. The gym pic didnāt do it for me, but the āWorldās Okayest Boyfriendā T-shirt he was wearing in it gave me a good chuckle.
We have decent conversation. I ask if he wants to text, and then if he wants to meet up. He offers to come up my way and we meet at a tavern. He ate already so I get some soup and donāt care if he wants to just sit there and watch me eat it. Iām past caring about that shit. We have a few drinks and while itās a bit awkward because heās a little on the shy, quiet side, it was an overall good night.
He walks me to my car and hugs me; later he texts me saying he had a good time. So Iām thinking date number two is coming down the pipeline, except he never asks. Okay so once again, here I go.
āBryan, would you like to go out again?ā
āSure, I reckon Iāll be around this weekend.ā (Who says that? ...heās not from the south lol)
Sick of making plans, I decide Iāll come closer to him this time, and tell him to pick a time and place and Iāll be there.
We meet at a Mexican restaurant and again, have a good time. Same routine - walks me to my car, hugs me, tells me he had a great time. Iām feeling pretty okay about it. I like him.
Back to the dating grind
Seven million years later, Iām back to the online dating...again.Ā 33 and still single (insert shrugging emoji here).Ā Iāve been called picky, but come on - this is the rest of my life!Ā Can you blame me?!Ā Iām not going to settle.
I did come to this depressing realization the other day though:Ā It has been 7 years since my last long term relationship, 5 years since my last non serious relationship, 3ish years since my last date, 2 years since Iāve had sex, and probably 5 years since Iāve had good sex.
Here we go again...
This is from years ago, but it was in my drafts.Ā Apparently, I never posted it.
Okay, back to the online dating. Ugh. Get a message from Dan, check out his profile, and decide not to respond. In his About Me action, he states that he likes busty women...like DDs or bigger. Okay, that's nice, but that's not something you write in your profile. Maybe it's just me, but I'm thinking, "Wow, what a dick". He sees that I looked at his profile and says, "You looked at my profile, so say something". Fine, I will. "You seem like a dick". Then I have to explain why. He doesn't agree. Whatever. We keep talking, because I'm amused. He doesn't seem too horrible, so I agree to go out for dinner. We go to the Cheesecake Factory Sunday night. Decent time (except for the fact that he's a Trump supporter, which I'm thinking I can ignore... I was wrong). He wants to keep hanging out but since it's a Sunday night, there's nothing really to do. He suggests coming to my place to watch a movie. I said fine, as long as he realizes that nothing was going to happen and we're actually going to watch the movie. So Dan comes over and apparently has other ideas, because he pretty much throws himself at me. No means no, buddy. We made out a little, but I had to keep saying no, this isn't going any further. He's like grabbing my boobs and saying how bad he wants me. Is this normal?! I'm pretty sure this is not standard behavior on a first date.
Does it get better?
First date attempt #3
(this is from last year...just found it in my drafts)
Iāll call this one āEā. E messages me and we talk for a few days. Heās very aggressive and wants to meet right away. We plan to meet at Starbucks, but then Iām feeling crappy so I cancel about an hour before. He takes that as me changing my mind and blowing him off. I beg to differ; I really felt like shit. I explain this and so we reschedule for Monday night. Heās nice enough and sweet so I keep talking to him and we decide to go out again on Friday. He picks a restaurant, then tells me when Iām deciding what to order that he already ate. Soooo, youāre just going to watch me eat?!?!?!!! Because thatās not weird⦠whatever, Iām hungry, so I ate and he sat there while I ate. He invites me back to his place (his place is really just a room that he rents, but whatever). I say okay. We have sex (because hey, itās been a while) and it is SO BAD. Like jackhammer guy from Sex and the City bad. He grabbed my boobs so hard, I had bruises!!! Also, he told me he loved me. Exact conversation: E: I think I love you. Me: No, you donāt. E: I donāt? Me: No, you just think you do.
Needless to say, the bruises lasted longer than the ārelationshipā.
When I told him I didnāt want to see him anymore, he flipped out. Called me all kinds of names⦠I had to block him. I was half afraid that I was going to wake up to slashed tires.
Bye, online dating. Until the next time...
Absolutely.
this oneās my favorite...
I get a lovely message from a man named Roger: āhi, how are you?āĀ Super creative, right?Ā But since I know how difficult it is to construct an original message, Iām just going to let that go.Ā So, Roger and I are texting back and forth for a few days and he starts telling me how he misses cuddlingā¦silly me, thinking weāre actually talking about cuddling.Ā He also says that itās harder for a man to go without than it is for a woman.Ā I get it now.Ā Umm, Iām not sure who told you that it was okay to start telling strangers about your morning erections, but itās not.Ā Regardless, I am way too forgiving and chalk it up to him being nervous.Ā He has, after all, told me about 6,000 times about how shy he is!!!Ā He says, letās be friends on facebook.Ā Oh my god, heās like a mismatched little weirdo man.Ā Again, trying not to be judgmental here. Ā So we agree to meetā¦but only if I make the plans.Ā Are you kidding me?!Ā What has happened to the male species?!Ā So I make the plans.Ā We meet.Ā Next time Iāll know better than to let things continue after he starts telling me about how difficult it is to wake up with morning erections.
And shy?!Ā I donāt know about that one.Ā I donāt think I spoke more than 5 sentences the whole night!Ā I did learn some great stuff thoughā¦like how he collects lunch boxes, has a few hundred in his storage locker.Ā And how he also collects Beanie Babies, has about 2,500, also in his storage locker.Ā Beanie Babies?!!?!Ā Youāre 37!Ā What do you even say to that?!Ā I thought I handled it well with āyou could probably make a lot of money selling thoseā while in my head Iām screaming āoh my god, heās going to kill me!āĀ (This is my breaking point.)Ā At this point, Iām just hoping he doesnāt tell me that he wants to show me his Beanie Babies.Ā Because, you know, theyāre probably next to his collection of human thumbsā¦.which he wants to expandā¦after he chops up my body and dumps the remains.Ā Needless to say, I told him the next day that while I had a good time (cough), I am not interested in any more dates with him.Ā The Beanie Baby thing is still a joke in my family, a month and a half later.
the next few weeks after the first week...
I get messaged by a few guys.Ā One seems nice but keeps calling me āhunā, which I do not enjoy.Ā He says he wants to meet me but then ghosts me, so apparently not.Ā The other lives an hour or so away, according to google maps, and seems kind of strange.Ā He canāt stop asking me about math (Iām a math teacher) so thatās weird...to the point where Iām wondering if itās a fetish.Ā He has a llama in his profile picture with him and talks about how its his friend....oooookay.Ā
Then I start talking to Marc.Ā Heās nice, seems to have shit together, so we talk for a week or so, and there seems be no effort being made to make plans to meet.Ā So I step up and ask him if we wants to meet.Ā He says he would love to.Ā So I ask him about Saturday night.Ā Apparently, that works.Ā Glad I could do that.Ā Was he going to be content to just talk forever?!Ā We go out, we have dinner (while he tells me about all of his food allergies, which I assure you was incredibly fascinating...), we go for a walk, we stop for a few drinks, and he walks me back to my car.Ā We hug.Ā Overall, not a bad night, decent conversation...except that, again, I get ghosted.Ā I texted him a few days later, all like, āhey havenāt heard from you, howās it going?āĀ And I get the lame āoh sorry, itās been busy at workā excuse.Ā WTF?!Ā Why canāt people just be honest?Ā If you didnāt want to go out again, just say so! Ā In the words of Michelle Tanner, āhow rude!āĀ Good thing I wasnāt dying for the second date.Ā Plus, I survived my first date since joining and it wasnāt horrible, so thatās a win, I suppose.
Hopefully the last time I will ever try online dating...
Iāve come to a point where I donāt feel like Iām going to meet people any other way, so despite my misgivings and dislike for online dating (yes, Iāve done it before), I decided Iād give it one (hopefully) last go. Iām under no illusions that I might actually meet someone and never have to worry about dating again, I just donāt think I have it in me to do it again after this round. I signed up in November and felt the need to share the hatred I have for this with someone...even if no one reads this. I can pretend.
Week 1: First weekend, I get messages! This is already more productive than the last time I did it a few years ago (depressing, I know). People seem nice enough, a few messages go back and forth, then Iām ghosted. Ooookaaayyy. Guess they didnāt like what I had to say! Or maybe I need to work on my conversational skills, because talking to someone you know almost nothing about over the internet is SO easy.... Iām not cut out for this. But I paid for six months so Iām sticking it out, no matter how much I hate it.
Then I get this message: āYou must have prayed to Santa for a good man.ā
What?! Is this for real? First of all, you donāt PRAY to Santa! Second, seriously?! Well, I have nothing to lose so why not entertain myself for a little while?
me: āFull of yourself much?ā
him: āOh yeah, just call me the Brad. Why donāt you come up here and we can have a few drinks and ogle my muscles together.ā
insert eye roll here, such a tempting offer...
him: āLook me up on facebook.ā
Sure, what the hell...
him: āYou should come to my place, I have lots of liquor we can throw back.ā
Apparently, he doesnāt have a car...
me: āNot tonight, maybe another time.ā
Yeah right...
him: āDo you enjoy titty fucking?ā
me: āAre you for real?!ā
him: āArenāt you glad I saved you the drive up here?ā
Like I was going anywhere near you anyway....BLOCK.
This is what Iām dealing with!!!!! Welcome to my circus.