Dating is evil.

[bananapancakehunter]

"I'd be content if I didn't have kids because I have nieces and nephews, but I'd like kids of my own."

Sooo you want kids.

#letscontradictourselves

[bananapancakehunter]

Why am I always burping?!

#reasonswhyimsingle

[bananapancakehunter]

This post is going to have me sound like a complete asshole, which I swear I'm not, but sometimes you just have to get the bad shit out soooo sorry, not sorry.

Do you ever wonder how people less attractive than you have found someone? I guess people just have lower standards than I do. But as I pass "ugly" couples in public, or see horrible people on reality tv with a significant other, I have to wonder, why not me? Why can't I find someone?

It's harder to find someone when you're "picky", as my sister tells me I am. But it's my life - shouldn't I be? I'm not going to settle, but it's just so hard to be alone sometimes. I will never date someone just to date someone, but why does it have to be so damn difficult?

[bananapancakehunter]

They tell you to have a playful opening line when reaching out to matches... Something simple but light. Something more than "Hi how are you?"

I try, I really do. I even take some of the suggestions that the app has. I don't know if it's just me, but it's often disastrous.

Examples:

"Hi, what's one thing that would brighten your day right now?"

"Titties."

Oookay. Pass.

Or there's today's...

"Hey there. What's your favorite breakfast food?"

"The usual... Bacon, eggs, maybe your pussy, pancakes."

Not that I'm opposed to that, but opening line? Come on, people.

[bananapancakehunter]

Can someone please explain to me why guys like you on dating apps, then don't respond to your messages?

[bananapancakehunter]

Dates 4 and 5

Again, I wait and again, he doesn’t make a move so I step up to the plate for a fourth time and ask if he wants to go out again. He suggests the movies, so I ask him if he will see the Lion King with me. He agrees (bonus points!).

We enjoyed the movie, I enjoyed his company, we hold hands, then kiss at the car.

All in all, a very pleasant evening.

I ask when I’m going to see him again, because at this point, I’m sick of waiting. I like him and I want to see him, and he clearly has a problem making the first move, unless he’s just not that into me. Sigh. We shall see.

He asks if I want to meet him in Boston, so we agree to meet at Faneuil Hall. I’m pretty nervous about this. I don’t want to drive in, so I park at wonderland and take the T in, alone, on a Saturday night. It’s cold out, but I like the cold so I decide to sit on a bench outside and listen to the guy playing music on the street.

I texted Bryan letting him know that I was almost there, then again when I got there, and where I was. No response. I wait a bit and call. No answer. It’s about 9 pm now. WTF. So I wait.... and wait some more. Finally, he texts saying he is en route. He gets there at almost 9:45. Sits down next to me on the neck and proceeds to tell me that he laid down for. Quick power nap, which turned into much less ne’er than 20 minutes. Nowhere in his explanation does he apologize for keeping me waiting. I’m simmering inside.

We go into a bar, get a drink, get jostled around, and listen to a band play some Irish music. It’s too loud to really have much conversation so we stand there awkwardly holding our drinks, looking at each other once in a while. He’s standing a comfortable foot or two away from me. When I look around and see so many friends talking and laughing over the music, couples with their arms around each other or leaning into each other, I just n worse about it. We leave after about an hour and a half of this torture. He offers to drive me to my car, which is the only redeeming action of the night. (Thank god because I really didn’t want to take the subway back home by myself)

As he drops me off, I lean in for a kiss. He says he’ll see me soon. I decide to give him one more chance since he did offer to drive me back.

[bananapancakehunter]

Date 3

I decide to wait him out for a few days to see if he’ll make any attempts to plan for a third date with me. I wait, I wait, and nothing. Just some mundane conversations. It’s hard to have a normal conversation with Bryan because he never texts back right away, often letting hours go by before responding. A conversation takes a few days to get through, and I am thoroughly frustrated.

So I lose my patience and give in. “When do I get to see you again? I can come to you this time.”

“I reckon (again with this?!) we could hang out and watch a movie here.”

“Okay sure.”

So I embark on my forty-five minute journey to his apartment. And he has the ultimate guys apartment, complete with sports and music posters, baseball bobble heads (lots of them), plenty of DVDs, a gaming system, and ugly mismatched furniture (ie. oversized recliner chair that you walk into when you come in the door, orangey leather couch, and red ikea locker tv console.... and yes, it locks).

We sit on the couch and look for a movie to watch. I let him pick as long, as it’s not a scary movie. He picks this alien bug movie that is so bad, I watch in awe of the badness, telling myself that maybe it gets better. It doesn’t. And this is one of his favorite movies. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Next time I’m picking the movie.

Then he finally makes a move and kisses me. Yes! We make out for a bit, very enjoyable, and he says, “I have another room in the back if you’d like to see it”.

I couldn’t help it, I busted out laughing in his face. I thought that was hysterical. I also didn’t think we were ready for that yet. I mean, I miss sex but if we are going to be dating longer, it’s just not time yet. So I told him, “I’d like to, but not tonight”.

And on that happy note, I left. We hugged and he kissed me some more on my way out. I said, “talk to you soon”, to which he responded, “I’ll SEE you soon”. Yay!

[bananapancakehunter]

Dates 1 and 2

End of summer 2019: match with Bryan

He’s cute in an “I don’t try that hard but I’ve got the boy next door adorableness thing going for me”. The gym pic didn’t do it for me, but the “World’s Okayest Boyfriend” T-shirt he was wearing in it gave me a good chuckle.

We have decent conversation. I ask if he wants to text, and then if he wants to meet up. He offers to come up my way and we meet at a tavern. He ate already so I get some soup and don’t care if he wants to just sit there and watch me eat it. I’m past caring about that shit. We have a few drinks and while it’s a bit awkward because he’s a little on the shy, quiet side, it was an overall good night.

He walks me to my car and hugs me; later he texts me saying he had a good time. So I’m thinking date number two is coming down the pipeline, except he never asks. Okay so once again, here I go.

“Bryan, would you like to go out again?”

“Sure, I reckon I’ll be around this weekend.” (Who says that? ...he’s not from the south lol)

Sick of making plans, I decide I’ll come closer to him this time, and tell him to pick a time and place and I’ll be there.

We meet at a Mexican restaurant and again, have a good time. Same routine - walks me to my car, hugs me, tells me he had a great time. I’m feeling pretty okay about it. I like him.

[bananapancakehunter]

Back to the dating grind

Seven million years later, I’m back to the online dating...again.  33 and still single (insert shrugging emoji here).  I’ve been called picky, but come on - this is the rest of my life!  Can you blame me?!  I’m not going to settle.

I did come to this depressing realization the other day though:  It has been 7 years since my last long term relationship, 5 years since my last non serious relationship, 3ish years since my last date, 2 years since I’ve had sex, and probably 5 years since I’ve had good sex.

[bananapancakehunter]

Here we go again...

This is from years ago, but it was in my drafts.  Apparently, I never posted it.

Okay, back to the online dating. Ugh. Get a message from Dan, check out his profile, and decide not to respond. In his About Me action, he states that he likes busty women...like DDs or bigger. Okay, that's nice, but that's not something you write in your profile. Maybe it's just me, but I'm thinking, "Wow, what a dick". He sees that I looked at his profile and says, "You looked at my profile, so say something". Fine, I will. "You seem like a dick". Then I have to explain why. He doesn't agree. Whatever. We keep talking, because I'm amused. He doesn't seem too horrible, so I agree to go out for dinner. We go to the Cheesecake Factory Sunday night. Decent time (except for the fact that he's a Trump supporter, which I'm thinking I can ignore... I was wrong). He wants to keep hanging out but since it's a Sunday night, there's nothing really to do. He suggests coming to my place to watch a movie. I said fine, as long as he realizes that nothing was going to happen and we're actually going to watch the movie. So Dan comes over and apparently has other ideas, because he pretty much throws himself at me. No means no, buddy. We made out a little, but I had to keep saying no, this isn't going any further. He's like grabbing my boobs and saying how bad he wants me. Is this normal?! I'm pretty sure this is not standard behavior on a first date.

[bananapancakehunter]

Does it get better?

First date attempt #3

(this is from last year...just found it in my drafts)

I’ll call this one “E”. E messages me and we talk for a few days. He’s very aggressive and wants to meet right away. We plan to meet at Starbucks, but then I’m feeling crappy so I cancel about an hour before. He takes that as me changing my mind and blowing him off. I beg to differ; I really felt like shit. I explain this and so we reschedule for Monday night. He’s nice enough and sweet so I keep talking to him and we decide to go out again on Friday. He picks a restaurant, then tells me when I’m deciding what to order that he already ate. Soooo, you’re just going to watch me eat?!?!?!!! Because that’s not weird… whatever, I’m hungry, so I ate and he sat there while I ate. He invites me back to his place (his place is really just a room that he rents, but whatever). I say okay. We have sex (because hey, it’s been a while) and it is SO BAD. Like jackhammer guy from Sex and the City bad. He grabbed my boobs so hard, I had bruises!!! Also, he told me he loved me. Exact conversation: E: I think I love you. Me: No, you don’t. E: I don’t? Me: No, you just think you do.

Needless to say, the bruises lasted longer than the “relationship”.

When I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore, he flipped out. Called me all kinds of names… I had to block him. I was half afraid that I was going to wake up to slashed tires.

Bye, online dating. Until the next time...

[wtfzodiacsigns]

[bananapancakehunter]

Absolutely.

[inspiring-pictures]

[bananapancakehunter]

this one’s my favorite...

I get a lovely message from a man named Roger: “hi, how are you?”  Super creative, right?  But since I know how difficult it is to construct an original message, I’m just going to let that go.  So, Roger and I are texting back and forth for a few days and he starts telling me how he misses cuddling…silly me, thinking we’re actually talking about cuddling.  He also says that it’s harder for a man to go without than it is for a woman.  I get it now.  Umm, I’m not sure who told you that it was okay to start telling strangers about your morning erections, but it’s not.  Regardless, I am way too forgiving and chalk it up to him being nervous.  He has, after all, told me about 6,000 times about how shy he is!!!  He says, let’s be friends on facebook.  Oh my god, he’s like a mismatched little weirdo man.  Again, trying not to be judgmental here.  So we agree to meet…but only if I make the plans.  Are you kidding me?!  What has happened to the male species?!  So I make the plans.  We meet.  Next time I’ll know better than to let things continue after he starts telling me about how difficult it is to wake up with morning erections.

And shy?!  I don’t know about that one.  I don’t think I spoke more than 5 sentences the whole night!  I did learn some great stuff though…like how he collects lunch boxes, has a few hundred in his storage locker.  And how he also collects Beanie Babies, has about 2,500, also in his storage locker.  Beanie Babies?!!?!  You’re 37!  What do you even say to that?!  I thought I handled it well with “you could probably make a lot of money selling those” while in my head I’m screaming “oh my god, he’s going to kill me!”  (This is my breaking point.)  At this point, I’m just hoping he doesn’t tell me that he wants to show me his Beanie Babies.  Because, you know, they’re probably next to his collection of human thumbs….which he wants to expand…after he chops up my body and dumps the remains.  Needless to say, I told him the next day that while I had a good time (cough), I am not interested in any more dates with him.  The Beanie Baby thing is still a joke in my family, a month and a half later.

[bananapancakehunter]

the next few weeks after the first week...

I get messaged by a few guys.  One seems nice but keeps calling me “hun”, which I do not enjoy.  He says he wants to meet me but then ghosts me, so apparently not.  The other lives an hour or so away, according to google maps, and seems kind of strange.  He can’t stop asking me about math (I’m a math teacher) so that’s weird...to the point where I‘m wondering if it’s a fetish.  He has a llama in his profile picture with him and talks about how its his friend....oooookay. 

Then I start talking to Marc.  He’s nice, seems to have shit together, so we talk for a week or so, and there seems be no effort being made to make plans to meet.  So I step up and ask him if we wants to meet.  He says he would love to.  So I ask him about Saturday night.  Apparently, that works.  Glad I could do that.  Was he going to be content to just talk forever?!  We go out, we have dinner (while he tells me about all of his food allergies, which I assure you was incredibly fascinating...), we go for a walk, we stop for a few drinks, and he walks me back to my car.  We hug.  Overall, not a bad night, decent conversation...except that, again, I get ghosted.  I texted him a few days later, all like, “hey haven’t heard from you, how’s it going?”  And I get the lame “oh sorry, it’s been busy at work” excuse.  WTF?!  Why can’t people just be honest?  If you didn’t want to go out again, just say so!  In the words of Michelle Tanner, “how rude!”  Good thing I wasn’t dying for the second date.  Plus, I survived my first date since joining and it wasn’t horrible, so that’s a win, I suppose.

[bananapancakehunter]

Hopefully the last time I will ever try online dating...

I’ve come to a point where I don’t feel like I’m going to meet people any other way, so despite my misgivings and dislike for online dating (yes, I’ve done it before), I decided I’d give it one (hopefully) last go. I’m under no illusions that I might actually meet someone and never have to worry about dating again, I just don’t think I have it in me to do it again after this round. I signed up in November and felt the need to share the hatred I have for this with someone...even if no one reads this. I can pretend.

Week 1: First weekend, I get messages! This is already more productive than the last time I did it a few years ago (depressing, I know). People seem nice enough, a few messages go back and forth, then I’m ghosted. Ooookaaayyy. Guess they didn’t like what I had to say! Or maybe I need to work on my conversational skills, because talking to someone you know almost nothing about over the internet is SO easy.... I’m not cut out for this. But I paid for six months so I’m sticking it out, no matter how much I hate it.

Then I get this message: “You must have prayed to Santa for a good man.”

What?! Is this for real? First of all, you don’t PRAY to Santa! Second, seriously?! Well, I have nothing to lose so why not entertain myself for a little while?

me: “Full of yourself much?”

him: “Oh yeah, just call me the Brad. Why don’t you come up here and we can have a few drinks and ogle my muscles together.”

insert eye roll here, such a tempting offer...

him: “Look me up on facebook.”

Sure, what the hell...

him: “You should come to my place, I have lots of liquor we can throw back.”

Apparently, he doesn’t have a car...

me: “Not tonight, maybe another time.”

Yeah right...

him: “Do you enjoy titty fucking?”

me: “Are you for real?!”

him: “Aren’t you glad I saved you the drive up here?”

Like I was going anywhere near you anyway....BLOCK.

This is what I’m dealing with!!!!! Welcome to my circus.