Letters To The Wild

“J'ai trouvé mon sourire par terre et en fait je l'avais pas reconnu parce qu'il etait un peu sale, mais c'est bon parce que maintenant je vais le nettoyer, je vais le remettre, et tout va bien se passer”

[bansryokan-blog]

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I said, “I love you”

It had happened. I had brought the dream out into reality and it had dissolved. It was just a dream and had found no purchase in the real world where it was dependent on other people for its realization. I wished that I could have sucked my words back inside where they had lived a colorful life of promise, had been nurtured by hope, and had never been tested. Now such sentiments would never be able to live without a forceful inner revision of the facts. Because it felt like someone had just taken a knife to a painting that I had spent three years composing.

[bansryokan-blog]

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I said, “I love you”

I wasn’t looking at her so I didn’t see her immediate reaction, but as I watched the reflection of the sun pirouette on a large ripple in the water, cable shaped, that was elevated from the normal plane of the water’s surface, caused by a rupture in the cement, I heard a trickle of laughter that fused with the image of the sun-pumping ripple, and it shot terror into my black center, filling it with ripping, sinking meaninglessness. I looked to her; her face was kind but not emotional, not full of the same fervor that was consuming me. “Harry,” she said, as if she was trying to chide me into seriousness, as if I hadn’t just confessed the most serious thing of my life. “You don’t love me.” She was still smiling, but in a kinder way. I could have jumped off the bridge. I wouldn’t have died, but maybe I’d get a broken leg. “Yes, I do. I love you, Elizabeth.” “Harry, stop it.” She wasn’t smiling anymore.

[bansryokan-blog]

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I said, “I love you”

There was really nothing else to say. I could tell her that I fantasized about marrying her, that I knew I would be someone special when I grew up, and that she could be part of that, that I would do anything for her, including fight someone, anyone, almost anyone. But it didn’t seem like any of that would serve my purposes. 

So instead I said, “I love you”.

[bansryokan-blog]

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River Poems 

James, it’s River

Hello, James, it’s River. Where do you think I’m calling from? Deep in hell, deep in the Florida wilderness? Deep from the cement bowels of LA, Beneath the neon, and the signs?

It’s me, River, calling you From the underworld. Do you think I went to heaven? Do you think You’ll go to heaven? We all die, James, I died at age 23, ten years before your age now.

James, you’re the Jesus age. Are you even close to Jesus? Are you close to what I was? You fucking egomaniac, You’re not even close.

James, you think you know me? James, I tried to be something good, Something that spoke to people, I was pushed into acting, but I loved music, You’re in acting because you chose it.

Pick up the phone, James, it’s River, I’m calling to say it’s over. You know that choke feeling, Like the air is gone, because there is no More of a life? I’ve left just a little,

I know you want more, James, But I left only a little. And what time do we have for others Anyway. I did a bunch of movies You haven’t even watched them all.

You say you love me, but not really. I’ve been gone for decades, I’ve been forgotten. I spent my two decades focused On work and family,

You spend your time all over, James.

You’re all over the place, James. I was a River that flowed straight And pure, you’re like a king That orders one thing, And then orders the opposite thing.

[bansryokan-blog]

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River Poems

Beautiful River

River died when I was in high school I read his biography in college. I became a vegetarian because of him.

He was so damn cool. What about him? Probably just his good goddamn looks,

That’s all. I used to want to look like him And I do a little. But he had this long blond hair

That would do anything he pleased And he had a great nose And beautiful eyes.

[bansryokan-blog]

Stand By Me (3/3)

Chris: You could be a real writer someday, Gordie.  

Gordie: Fuck writing! I don't wanna be a writer! It's stupid! It's a stupid waste of time!  

Chris: That's your dad talking.  

Gordie: Bullshit.  

Chris: Bulltrue. I know how your dad feels about you, he doesn't give a shit about you. Denny was the one he cared about, and don't try to tell me different! You're just a kid, Gordie. 

Gordie: Oh gee, thanks, dad!  

Chris: Wish the hell I was your dad. You wouldn't be going around talking   about taking these stupid shop-courses if I was. It's like God gave you something, man. All those stories that you can make up. And he said: This is what we got for you, kid, try not to lose it. But kids lose everything unless there's someone there to look out for them. And if your parents are too fucked up to do it then maybe I should.

[bansryokan-blog]

Stand By Me (2/3)

Chris: You ready for school?  

Gordie: I don’t know  

Chris: Junior High. You know what that means. By next June we'll all be split up. 

Gordie: What're you talking about, why would that happen?  

Chris: It's not gonna be like grammar-school, that's why. You're taking your college-courses and me Teddy and Vern while we’ll be in the shop-courses with all the rest of the retards making ashtrays and birdhouses. You’re gonna meet a lot of new guys. Smart guys.  

Gordie: Meet a lot of pussies is what you mean.  

Chris: No man. Don't say that, don't even think that.  

Gordie: I’m not going in with a lot of pussies, forget it!  

Chris: Well then you're an asshole!  

Gordie: What's asshole about wanting to be with your friends?  

Chris: It's asshole if your friends drag you down! You hang with us, you'll just be another wise guy with shit for brains.

[bansryokan-blog]

Stand By Me (1/3)

Gordie: D'you think I'm weird? 

Chris: Definitely.  

Gordie: No man, seriously. Am I weird?  

Chris: Yeah. But so what; everybody is weird.