Monday Blues Continued....
The streets were flooded, the aftermath of the rain has not only dampened the streets but also the mood of people in the city who just wanted to see the sun again. Youngjae heard that it was going to rain all week and knew he will do nothing with this constant rain.
Youngjae frowned when his shoes squeaked for the tenth time in a row. His socks were soaked and most of the right side of the jeans drenched I was all thanks to Junhong.
The tall man thought it would be fun to jump into all the puddles that soaked up the sidewalk. Just imagine it, a six-foot fool jumping in puddles like a kid who hasn’t seen rain in months.
“Would you stop jumping!” Youngjae pulled Junhong’s sleeve. His black jacket. was practically drenched, as much as his designers pants, shoes, well everything. Junhong laughed and continued to jump, with no care in the world. “Oh, to be rich,” Young Jae thought to himself as he pulled into his warm gray raincoat,
A mother right next to them who was trying to take her child to school glared at the tall overgrown child. Junhong had just wet her when he jumped onto the puddle in front of them. Youngjae was used to people either glaring at them or just staring. Junhongis an attractive man, and people usually glared at him whenever Junhong was around. Youngjae just shrugs it off, jealousy is so petty. Junhong clung onto him as the lady’s glare made Junhong whimper but barely madeYoungjae flinch.
“She’s mean,” Junhong whispered onto Youngjae’s ear.
“Your just annoying!” Youngjae swatted Junhond face away from his.
Junhong is great if you ignored his annoying tendencies like jumping in puddles, or beatboxing in the grocery out of the blue when Youngjae just wanted to buy chips, or start breakdancing as he walked (he always does this) or just asked the stupidest questions like; do dogs laugh and if they do what does humor mean to them? But this helps Youngjae keep his mind off the turmoil in his head.
Junhong laughed and winked at Youngjae.
He still could believe that he had agreed to meet with Daehyun after all,
“I cannot believe you agreed to meet with Daehyun,” Junhong said as he hooked his arm with Youngjae. Junhong leaned close to to the shivering friend with a worried gaze.
“Shut up.” Youngjae said frowning instead of saying, “Shit I don’t KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!?!?!?!”
But his face gave it away.
“Does anyone?” Junhong asked lifting his brow.
Youngjae glared at his friend making him shut up. Youngjae wanted to
He has been doing that a lot, lately, he kept to himself. For Youngjae nothing mattered much anymore. He hardly had the motivation to go to work, but he needed to pay bills plus he actually liked his students. If it wasn’t for Junhong’s constant pestering he would never go out. Junhong is a good friend, but Youngjae will never tell him that.
“You know the second it gets weird just raise your hand like you are about to sneeze, look like this--look-- you are not looking--good--and I will be there in a flash,” Junhong grinned waving his free hand around even if Youngjae wasn't really looking.
“I did not ask you to come,” Youngjae said but was grateful. Junhong just showed up that morning shouting in front of his door like every morning that past week.
“Youngjae!” Junhong knocked on Youngjae's front door.
“I miss you let's hang out,” Junhong shouted.
“No,” Youngjae mumbled into his pillow.
“I’m here already.” the knocking started again.
“Go AWAY!” Youngjae shouted.
“But hyung it’s cold out here and dark!” Junhong whined.
“It’s not my fault you are out there,” Youngjae shouted back
“IT’S FUCKING SIX IN THE MORING”
It went on like that for a couple more minutes until the neighbors complained and Youngjae had to let Junhong in. He looked at the young man who was grinning from ear to ear and shook his head. There was no way he was going to win.
“Good morning!” Junhong hugged Youngjae.
Youngjae decided to ignore Junhong and walked back to his room, “I’m was going back to bed to sleep.”.
Junhong being Junhong happily followed him.
“Get off my bed”, His face was already on his pillow. Sleep was calling hm
“No, it’s fluffy.” Junhong got under the covers and snuggled next toYoungjae who sighed loudly but didn’t have the strength to push his friend away. This wasn’t Junhong first “sleepover” and Junhong was just a very affectionate person, Youngjae was forced to get used to it since was the total opposite.
“Just kill me now,” Youngjae grumbled.
“That’s for later hyung,” Junhong laughed at Youngjae exasperated face.
Youngjae groaned turning to his friend who could help to smile at his misery, “I just want to sleep.”
“That’s all that you have been doing lately, it's not healthy.” Junhong brushed Youngjae hair off his forehead.
They had gotten closer these past weeks, maybe it was because he had pushed everyone else away and Junhong was the only one who didn’t mind to his frigid character.
“I have to meet Daehyun today,” Youngjae managed to whisper out.
“What, why?” Junhong visibly flinched, he didn’t like Daehyun even though they haven’t met, “Youngjae, you are only going to get let down again.”
“Don’t start Junhong,” Youngjae grumbled.
“He is an asshole, he has been ignoring you. He hasn’t even talked to you in months!” Junhong growled, “he doesn't’ deserve you.”
“He isn’t acting like one,”
Junhong frowned, and wrapped arms around his friend and pulled him close even though Youngjae complained, “ I don’t want to see you sad anymore.”
Grumbling Youngjae nodded letting Junhong warmth soothe him back to sleep. He missed Daehyun so much. It felt as if a part of him was gone. Nothing felt right anymore. Youngjae fell asleep in the middle of the argument and woke up to Daehyun’s phone call. Shit, he was late.
Youngjae thought to himself, ”I did not know why Junhong bothers to keep up with me...” It is as if he knew when and where to be at all time.
He did not understand why Junhong would want to hang out with him.
How they met was a coincidence, both were being interviewed on the local radio station, Youngjae came in to talk about his latest book. And Junhong, well Junhong is an internationally acclaimed model. Youngjae never heard of him, but one glance at his long body, perfect skin, and innocent face (but don’t let that fool you) Youngjae knew that he deserved all the fame he had. But Youngjae did not expect the model to get so attached to him.
The first thing that Junhong said to him was, “Do you believe in love at first sight, cuz now I do.” At that same moment, Youngjae decided to ignore the model, but that proved to be an impossible task.
Things were looking bleak with no sleep, wet socks, and he was late.
“I know, I just wanted to come, for like support.” Junhong grinned wider.
Youngjae grumbled, “Wait here.”
Youngjae walked in the cafe, it was not that busy the rain had been persistent all morning. The smell of coffee and bread filled the air, making Youngjae feel at ease, not that he was nervous. Youngjae was never nervous ( that was a lie but Youngjae lied to himself a lot). But the second his eyes met Daehyun’s his stomach hit the floor, it felt if someone was scratching his insides and that made him feel like he was going to vomit. Fight or flight instinct was acting up and he felt like running.
“Nonononono, I can’t do this,” Youngjae screamed internally eyed the door, “fuck, Junhong where are you?”
“Youngjae!” Daehyun quickly got up and hugged Youngjae, who stood there awkwardly.
“ Hi.” Youngjae finally hugged him back. Too late, no turning back now.
“Come, come, I already ordered, I got your favorite, French toast right?” Daehyun asked, speaking quickly, “And coffee, or course, still don’t know why you put no sugar on it, that’s just gross. Like how can you drink it like that, it--”
“You put that much sugar on yours.” Youngjae cringed, good, just act like usual, criticize his every move.
Daehyun laughed, but it seems forced, Youngjae nodded to himself they were both nervous, this was off, they friendship was fucked. “Good job Youngjae you fucked up the only good thing in your life,” he thought to himself.
They settled down, and the food luckily got there just as Youngjae took the first sip of his coffee.
Daehyun like always stuffed his face with pancakes and coffee making Youngjae impatiently wait for the ‘talk.”
Youngjae pushed his food around not really eating it.
“I miss coming here,” Daehyun said between bites not really looking up at Youngjae yet.
“Yeah,” Youngjae said, not really looking at Daehyun either. The food was usually good but today it tasted bland. Youngjae stomach was hurt and his palms were sweaty, he sensed nothing good was going to come out of this conversation.
Daehyun kept eating forcefully avoiding Youngjae’s gaze.
“Daehyun what do you want to talk about?” Youngjae asked frustrated with Daehyun prolonged silence.
The the other stop between chews, he paused ad weakly smiled.
“Why did you drag me out here if you had nothing to say.” Youngjae said, “This is a waste of time.” Youngjae didn’t mean that, but he was mad, frustrated and utterly scared.
Daehyun flinched at that and frowned. DAehyun looked around trying to come up with words.
The guilt made Youngjae look down at this coffee mug.
“I know we haven't’ kept up much, your band is getting pretty popular.” Youngjae tried again, “we” was Daehyun’s fault, he had avoided Youngjae at all costs. Youngjae had the right to be bitter.
“Yeah,” Daehyun paused and took a deep breath, “Youngjae, when I told you I miss you, I meant it.”
“I know.” Youngjae sighed, he missed him too and a lot.
“I miss us, just hanging out like old times,” Daehyun mumbled.
“Hmm,” Youngjae agreed, now all his time was with wallowing in his own misery and with Junhong.
“What you told me,” Daehyun started, making Youngjae looked up, “it doesn’t change things, because, well…” Daehyun took a deep break, “ Because, because I feel the same way.” Daehyun nearly whispered.
Youngjae's eyes grew wide, he couldn’t speak.
“Then why haven’t you talked to me, why have you been avoiding me? Why haven't you answered my calls? Why--”
“I’m sorry, I just had to think, I had to take time for myself, and just think.”
“Well that is pretty selfish, here I was thinking I fucked up. I thought that you hated me, I was constantly thinking of ways to make it up to you,” Youngjae looked out the window trying to look at anything then at Daehyun, his anger always gets the better of him, “Real smooth Daehyun, real fucking smooth.”
“It is difficult for me,”
“You don’t think it was difficult for me? I told you that I loved you and you just left me, without saying anything, how do you think that made me feel? Youngjae closed his eyes ‘ don’t cry, don’t cry, don't cry’ he told himself.
“You already know that about me,” Daehyun defended, “ Youngjae, I just had to take a time to think for myself, I can’t just jump into things just liked that.”
“Jump into the thing just like that?” Youngjae nearly shouted he took a deep breath trying to calm himself, “I wasn’t asking you to have sex with me!”
“Shh, Youngjae are being too loud!” Daehyun panicked.
“And you’re being a dick,” Youngjae said.
“Youngjae, what you said, it changes our relationship.” Daehyun tried to take control of the conversation
“What? You just said it doesn't change anything?” Youngjae said.
“I mean it does but it doesn't I feel the same, and it changes because there is more that we can talk about.” Daehyun placed his hand over Youngjae's on the table, trying to sooth the younger one. But it wasn’t working, Youngjae was disappointed, why was Daehyun being so selfish?
“You know I’m not good at this, words don’t come to me that easy. I never thought that you would feel the same way but, I know what I feel for you is something I haven’t been able to forget, and that night you told me, I was so shocked. You know that you finally said what I wanted to hear. I guess I couldn’t handle it until, it just hit me the other day that I maybe I can do it, maybe we can make this work!” Daehyun said excitedly.
“Maybe? Why do you say that?” Youngjae looked at Daehyun’s memorizing eyes, “You think this will be a fling for me?”
“No, of course not. I know you.” Daehyun grinned, “It’s you, you're it.”
Youngjae opens his mouth but no words came out.
“I love you Youngjae.” Daehyun squished his hand.
“Youngjae felt his face burned red, and there was the sensation in his stomach again, the ripping became a soothing butterflies fluttering, Youngjae couldn’t help but to smile, this was what he wanted to hear.
“Really?” Youngjae whispered.
“Of course.” Daehyun laughed, “I love you, I always have. I have just been dense.”
Youngjae looked at three hands and couldn't help to smile more, he looked up at Daehyun who smiled back.
The door bell jingling as customers came in the cafe, they walked near the couple making Daehyun retract his hand from Youngjae’s.
Youngjae tried to meet Daehyun’s eyes yet the older male looked away.
“What’s wrong?” Youngjae asked worriedly.
“You love me right?” Daehyun whispered as if not believing Youngjae.
“Yeah, I love you Daehyun” It felt nice finally being able to say it freely.
He smiled, “Would you do anything for me?”
Youngjae rolled his eyes, “You know that already. I will do anything for you, idiot.”
“That’s why I love you,” Daehyun smiled, “You act like you don't care about anyone, but yet you are so selfless.”
“I’m not,” Youngjae mumbled.
“Stop being so self-deprecating Youngjae.”
“I honestly don't know why you love someone like me.”
Youngjae rolled his eyes and laughed, cheesy.
Daehyun took a deep breath, “Youngjae, what I am going to ask you is, a lot but I know we can make this work because we love each other. I would do anything for you. That is why I didn’t want to give up. I needed to find a way.”
Youngjae inched close, “What is it?”
What was the thing that kept Daehyun from him? What was the thing that he needed to figure out?
“Can we keep this a secret?” Daehyun asked.
Youngjae took a deep breath, he felt himself go numb.
“ I know, it is just that I might make it, my band, it is getting so popular what if my fans find out I'm… “ Daehyun couldn’t finish the sentence.
“Gay.” Youngjae deadpanned.
“Shhh.”Daehyun paled, “Please, people --”
“People might hear?” Youngjae frowned. Of course, this was too good to be true.
“I mean we come here all the time, they know we are best friends so they wouldn’t think anything but that we are just friends but anyone else...would..it’s not something I want people to know especially my fans,” Daehyun explained not knowing how much that hurt Youngjae.
“I can’t believe this,” Youngjae mumbled.
“It will be easy,” Daehyun said, “It will be like acting, you were really good at that one play in college.”
“I can’t just act like we are not dating in front of our friends!” Youngjae chest was hurting now too, he felt his body just ready to shut down on him.
“But you said you loved me.” Daehyun whispered, “that you would do anything for me. And I want to be with you but this is the only way.”
“Please do this for me, please, I am not ready to tell my fans, my friend, my boss --I can't do that, not now,” Daehyun explained.
“Everyone knows I am gay,” Youngjae said, “they won’t push you out, if they accept me then they will accept you.”
“It’s because you don’t hear them!” Daehyun said, “the way they talk about you and those people.”
“Youngjae you won’t understand.”
Youngjae looked down, he felt like his chest was about to burst open, he bit his lip trying to hold the sob that was stuck in his throat. He going to burst at any moment.
He couldn't believe it Daehyun loved him, but did he really? He was too ashamed to let his fans know. Youngjae felt tears in his eyes, fuck no, not now. Youngjae bends his head trying to hide from Daehyun. He still could hear the awful things Daehyun was saying, he didn’t want to anymore, he felt he was just going to be even more disappointed and heartbroken. He lifted his hand trying to cover his face or his tears.
“Youngjae you said that you would do anything for me.” Daehyun sounded upset.
Youngjae lifted his head to look at the man who continuously broke his heart. “You selfish fuck, what are we just going to sneak around everywhere, hold hands only when no one is around, see how other people fawn at you and watch you flirt with other girls?” Youngjae laughed, “You already do that, and that fucking hurts, it will only get worse if we do this.”
“If it isn’t Yoo Youngjae!” Junhong appeared out of nowhere, “I haven’t seen you since last that magical night, why haven’t you called?” Junhyung asked and he leaned in close.
Daehyun and Youngjae sat there agape turning to face the tall man.
“I must have forgotten,” Youngjae quickly recovered.
“Oh, how you break my poor heart,” Junhong smirked.
“Who are you?” Daehyun looked between the tall man and Youngjae.
“Junhong,” Youngjae said, looking at the teen quickly, shit he had forgotten about the sign.
“Look we are busy, now---”
“I missed you,” Junhong bent down, caressed Youngjae's face, lightly. Making Youngjae blush, fuck you Junhong and your fucking confidence and perfect face.
“It’s nice to see you,” Youngjae said and actually meant it making the tall male smirk.
Junhong looked at him with so much love, Youngjae could feel himself squirm under his gaze. His eyes looked so bright, it was different than Daehyun’s, his wasn’t as bright. Junhong looked at him with so much warmth that it was overwhelming, Youngjae lost himself in those warm brown eyes finding the comfort that he desperately needed.
Youngjae couldn't help but smile at Junhong when the younger male smiled at him. He had a tiny little dimple on the right side of his cheek, why hasn’t he noticed that before?
Junhong and Youngjae leaned onto each other, feeding on each others warmth, Youngjae felt Junhong tilt his head, slightly with his hand making his heart speed up. Before he could process anything he felt Junhong's lips on his making his mind go blank. Junhong lips were so soft and so inviting it only made Youngjae forgot how to breathe, making it hard to concentrate on anything at all.
This was not supposed to happen. Slowly recovering from that kiss, Youngjae took a couple of deep breaths. He felt shivers, and couldn't take his gaze off Junhong’s lips.
“You know I have a photoshoot in a couple of hours, I was wondering if you would like to join me before I go to work?” Junhong hand was still caressing Youngjae face, Youngjae squeaked, actually squeaked, what Junhong always this smooth? Fuck him.
That finally snapped him back to reality, Daehyun looked shellshocked, “What is this?”
“Sweetheart, I ain't’ got all day,” Junhong purred in Youngjae’s eye.
He was stuck between the sword and the wall, there was no way out.
This was it. Youngjae thought to himself. He saw the betrayal in Daehyun’s eyes, he could easily clear it up with Daehyun, but did he want to? Was it worth it?
Yes, he loved Daehyun, but did Daehyun love him the same? Youngjae knew that in love someone always loves the other person more. It was never balanced, love was never fair.
Maybe Youngjae will always love Daehyun, more than he will ever love Youngjae. Daehyun always had everything easily handed to him easily, he expected to get love so easily that he didn’t realize what he was doing. Youngjae wasn’t perfect either, but he couldn't be in the shadows, waiting for Daehyun, always waiting for him.
He just wanted to be loved. And the only person who loved him was Junhong. The only person who is willing to sacrifice everything for him.
What was wrong with him? He wasn’t willing to sacrifice himself for Daehyun, so why would he allow anyone else do that for him?
“ Junhong, stop.” Youngjae pulled away from the younger male, “I can’t be who you want me to be.”
Junhong tried to protest but couldn’t come up with the right words.
Youngjae faced Daehyun for the last time.
“ And I….I can’t be with someone who is ashamed of being with me.” Youngjae got up and walked out the door, without looking back. Oh, way to fuck u big time, not only he lost Daehyun but Junhong too. Why did he let himself get so involved with Junhong? And how did it happen?
Nearly tripping over his own feet as he ran in the freezing rain Youngjae finally let himself cry.
Youngjae rushed ignoring his calls until a hand grabbed his shoulder stopping him.
“Youngjae, I’m so sorry, I fucked up. I am sorry. I was being selfish.”
“You were.” Youngjae lips trembled, but he didn't want to cry in front of him.
“I won’t do it again, I swear.”
Youngjae closed his eyes, he just wanted to go home.
Youngjae took a big breath, “Why did you?”
“I’m sorry I wasn't thinking straight when I saw that-- Youngjae you are getting drenched here,” the other male pulled them over a porch that barely covered them from the rain, they were squished, but Youngjae was used to being this close to him, it was almost natural now. Youngjae let his head fall onto his friend's chest.
“I’m so sorry, let me make it up to you.”
“Hyung please look at me.”
Youngjae shook his head, as tears bubbled out of his eyes, why didn’t he come out for him? Why wasn't he here?
The tall man looked so sad, his bright eyes downcast, looking back at Youngjae, he couldn’t handle this, he just wanted Junhong to be happy again. His heart hurt seeing his friend like this. He hated feeling like this, he hated Daehyun’s selfishness.
Youngjae finally looked up at his friend, tears in his eyes, “But I will and I hate that the most, I’m losing him.”
Junhong hugged him, “ I’m here hyung, he can’t hurt you anymore.”
Young sniffled, but couldn’t think of anything else but of Daehyun. He hated himself more than anything and hated the fact that they couldn’t be with each other. Hated that he loved him. Hated that he was hurting Junhong too.
Junhong sighed, “I’m sorry I kissed you hyung, I was so mad. You looked so sad that I had to do something.”
Youngjae laughed but tears kept falling, “And kissing me had to be the only way?”
Junhong blushed, “Yeah, to make him realize that, he isn’t the only that can have you. To make him realize that you are precious to other people too. He thinks he can just keep you for his own. Fuck that.”
Youngjae sobbed, “I wish, that I loved you.”
There was a sad smile on Junhong face, “ You never know hyung, you just might, I am that great.”
Months ago a random an annoying yet handsome boy just kept intruding Youngjae’ life. “I think. No, I know, I have fallen in love with you!” Youngjae looked at the boy dead in the eyes, and said, “Junhong, love is for children, what you feel must be lust, now get out of my office, I have papers to grade.”
That didn’t discourage the young man.
That was just the start of a weird friendship where Junhong continued to visit Youngjae at work. He would flirt and mess with the old grumpy professor, not ever swaying or giving up on his love quest.
“You took advantage of me you fucker.” Youngjae hugged Junhong.
“Don’t say you didn’t like it,” Junhong hugged him with the same intensity, both were terrified but grateful to have each other.
“Come on hyung let's go, I have this new game I have been dying to buy.” Junhong brushed Youngjae’s hair off his face, making the older male glare at him.
“Don’t you have to go to work?” Youngjae sighed.
“Oh yeah--I made that up--come on, will you come with me? Let’s explore the city,” Junhong smiled teasingly.
“I have papers to grade, lectures to prepare,” Youngjae just wanted to go home and sleep, and maybe die.
“You really think I am going to leave you alone, you can barely stand on your own,”
True and true, Youngjae sighed, Junhong was too good to him.
“No--fine…” Youngjae sighed, and, “Thanks, Junhong”
Youngjae let Junhong take him wherever he wanted. He needed to forget Daehyun. He needed to let go. He only wished that he could ever love Junhong some day with the same intensity that Junhong loved him.
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