to anyone about to read this novel, have a rockin' monday!
i don't know exactly what sparked me wanting to log on to this account that's been collecting dust for a millennia now, but here i am
honestly i think it's because i'm rewatching something that i was heavily involved in the fandom of on this website back in the day, and i ended up reminiscing about a lot of things and seeing my old art in places, and i just wanted to.. i don't know, come over and talk
firstly i just want to be clear and formally apologize for. well, a bunch of things. i joined this site back around 2011 or so, back when i was still in high school. i'm 32 now. that's a big chunk of my life to dedicate to a website.
a lot of great memories were made here. i'll treasure that, always. but there are also a lot of bumps in my history that are still very painful to think about. losing friendship after friendship, making people uncomfortable, that last one especially. it's strange to look back at my online life and want to do nothing but curl up and kind of vanish, but i can look at it all thru a new lense- turns out i was very, very, very autistic, and didn't know it yet. that was the final piece of understanding why i've been so weird and offputting my entire life.
if i ever made anyone that might be reading this uncomfortable, whether it be thru my actions or my art, i'm sorry. my entire online life has depended on bouncing from thing to thing to just fit in and be approved by people i looked up to. sometimes that pushed myself into directions i am not proud of. so did hyperfixation, by the by- stuck on something so intensely it keeps me from being able to properly function because it's the only thing in my head.
i kind of just have to deal with pieces of me being out there in the world on platforms that i can't control anymore or delete, and that's okay, i guess. it's really hard for me, it's a scary thought, but at least i can give myself a bit of kindness and kind of understand Why a little more. why people just seemed to not deal with me well, why i treated others the way i did. none of it is an excuse but being undiagnosed at the time plus living the majority of my early youth online and especially on this website, it just makes sense now, like i said before.
i don't do much actively in fandom spaces anymore. my friend circle is small, i am too disabled to draw anymore, which is why you don't see my art on any platform that i'm on. maybe one day when i have access to proper medical care and medication, but not right now. right now i am just hanging out with some lifelong friends (some of which i met on here) and playing final fantasy 14.
this has been kind of a major ramble, so i'll try to summarize it here:
to anyone i made actively uncomfortable for whatever reason, i am so, so sorry i did that to you. i won't say i didnt know any better at the time or something like that, but it was very difficult to understand what i was doing and why it was a problem. i know now. it's a case of genuinely understanding my mistakes and learning from them and just doing better, and overall i have been doing better for years. i think so, anyway.
to anyone i've met along the way, i still think about you, i really mean that. i don't forget anyone that's been in my life, right down to the occasional follower that i would consistently see in my notifications. i hope every single one of you is doing well. it's been a really rocky road and i'm not quite satisfied with where i'm at, but for the most part, the journey to get here was fun, and i appreciate everyone.
thanks for bearing witness to my most embarrassing moments! with 2025 going down the tube already, i just hope that we can all do our best. that's all i really want. i haven't read this back, so i hope it makes sense.
if anyone wants to reach out, dm me, i have discord, i'm on xiv, i'm trying to use bluesky but i don't know if i'll bother giving that one out because i have like 7 posts total at most. be cool, all right?
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