"emily you should be a crew leader you're actually great with kids"
Or; a list of shit I said/thought whilst volunteering at vacation bible school
Day 1 - Extreme Anxiety
"MY ONLY CISGENDER HETEROSEXUAL MALE FRIEND IS JESUS CHRIST 🔥🔥🔥🔥" — said to myself out loud, someone overheard me and gave me a nasty side-eye
"Would now be a bad time to mention I'm not a Christian? Yeah? Okay." — also to myself, also overheard
"Edward (brother) I'm being ragebaited by a toddler right now." — to brother
"It's called human decency, maybe you should try it sometime. " — to an eight year old
"I'm mortal enemies with a child now he doesn't know it yet though." — thought
“So yeah, I’m not actually cool. I just like pretending I am. Do you guys think I’m cool?” — first thing I said to some of the kids
“Oh, we’re pretending to be fish? I’ve got this. *collapses and writhes on the floor* I CAN’T BREATHE HELP ME *followed up by me laying in the fetal position for five minutes*”
“I’ve only been here for ten minutes and I’ve taken the lord’s name in vain at least four times.”
Day 2 - High Off Painkillers
“Today’s going to go so much better than yesterday I’m so drugged up right now. *counselor standing next to me stares awkwardly at me* oN MY MEDICATION-” — to my brother
me, very loudly in the restroom after dropping my airpods case and the little fuckers shimmy out of there like it’s the goddamned rapture: “FUCK! …no one heard me say that, right?”
“thank you, you’re no longer my mortal enemy.” “We were enemies??” Me to my previous self proclaimed mortal enemy
“Hey, one of the kids just threw a handful of bugs at me, can I head to the restroom?”
Some girl: “Wow haha you’re laying on the floor again”
me: “ya”
Girl: “reminds me of how you said you wished you were dead yesterday!”
me, frantically sitting up: “YOU REMEMBER THAT??”
Day 3 - Unmedicated
I didn’t really say anything funny I just got ragebaited by a child brief summary of that day:
I had to wake up early for therapy so I was a little tired that day and my former mortal enemy is my mortal enemy again I need something funny to put here I don’t want day three to be the flop I don’t know if this cuts it but here
mortal enemy kid, going through my stuff: “oh is this your name? why’s your name [insult I don’t feel like writing]”
me: “don’t know, why’s your name annoying little shit?”
Unfortunately I fall for ragebait easily
anyways earlier on this day I also gaslit him into thinking we weren’t in the u.s.
Day 4 - Sleep Deprived and Nauseous
When me and my brother weren’t busy, we were just singing repeat after me camp songs
Some guy held the door open for me and this is what happened
me: “thank you :)”
him: “no problem, sir. I mean ma’am. I mean sir. I mean-”
I feel accomplished
and there was also
kid: “are you a boy?”
me: “????? sure??”
kid: “oh okay”
Day 5
“What would you do if you lived in the rainforest?” “I would die.”
“I love gnawing on bones… does anyone want to gnaw on bones with me”
i forgot most of the things that happened on day five unfortunately 😔
Injury Count
I’ve been beaten with pool noodles, kicked in the shins, kicked in general, gotten bitten, had several kids decide to throw their full body weight on me at high velocities, hit, etc
high off painkillers you say?
Two questions:
1. Which painkillers?
2. Is it Lupus?
