Outlet

25\ gay/ you can talk to me

[caprisunsport-deactivated202010]

I HATE WHITE BOYS

[barryhairry]

Day 2 of edging till I have sex in my dreams. Almost came today. Phheww that was a close one! 😂😂😓

[barryhairry]

Hey tumby, Ughs!

I don’t need to spend money and I fuckin know it. I just need to watch what I eat, how excessively I do it, and work out 3 times a week minimum.

I can mope and find shit to spend money on for it to collect dust bc all I do is work and only maybe more than once a month do I get to dress up. But if I don’t have pride in the foundation, then no matter what I wear will be satisfiable to me.

[barryhairry]

Things to talk about In Therapy: I know I’m a good listener but I dont like how that give an invention to others that I want a relationship with them. I like being acquaintances but I’m not looking for friends. I already scheduled and spread my time out with the people in my life and I enjoy and value my solitude. I guess thats just something to deal with but I bet it roots in fearing relationships, fear of disappointment, fear of being influence knowing I’d be tempted not to think for myself then dealing with the consequences. Also I’ve been in a situation where a high school friend saw me and depended on me to fix her problems and make her feel better and she was weird and whatever. And it intimidates me.

[barryhairry]

Something to also bitch about when I go see the therapist:

Why do I get so terribly stressed, angry, and depressed when I’m invited to party’s and everything. EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE ME! I am beyond welcomed! In fact I am so welcomed that I think they may feel insulted at how much of a stranger I am to their house and parties. They love and have a great relationship with my bf but I am still experiencing that not enough mind set when I try to socialize.

Like I’m just choosing to be a victim at the slightest breeze of anxiety and it’s frustrating

[barryhairry]

I made a therapy appointment!!! Big boy moves.

So. I made a therapy appointment because I don’t know. That is the reason. I don’t know what to fix. I know there is nothing about me to fix. I just have the want to improve and elevate. I have a lot of stuff I want to do.

But I have this agonizing feeling of dread and frustration. And I know frustration comes from knowing that I am capable of achieving goals in general. I’m angry and sad at the same time because I want someone to tell me I’m doing good. I want to be reassured that I am doing better and yea I don’t know.

I can’t go to my parents because they are beyond help and have a skewed perception on everything. My bf says I need to be that person for myself and find reassurance in myself and for myself. And I want that for myself, In or a little boy. I’m not under anyone’s thumb, I’m not in trouble, and there is no authority figure I have to please.

Thats the biggest hurdle I want to overcome, the constant feeling that I am in trouble. Consequences are looming and just down the street coming for me. I know thats a nervous system and subconscious thing from my childhood. Being spanked, screamed at, my thoughts being held under a microscope, unable to express myself without being lectured that “men don’t do, say, wear, or have interest in blank” my whole childhood was me feeling incorrect. Criticized from how I walked, the words I used, how is try to be apart of the conversation and was shut down every time.

Ive done a lot of work and have opened up a whole lot. And I am proud of the work that I did but I don’t feel it I just know thats the right thing to say. I’m proud of me becoming an lmt and achieving the goal I set, but that’s different because I can show that off. And I struggle to be proud of myself because I was whipped into shape mentally and physically to do the opposite of that. And I had to be so concerned about how my parents felt. I had to beware of their emotions, stay out of the way, I don’t have any examples right now but yea.

And I hate to keep the pattern going because I’m just as sensitive as they are. Not to the level they are but I get my feelings hurt a lot and it took a lot to get myself to detach myself from the “my ego is hurt, I’m the victim, there needs to be some level of justice for me”

I’m thankful I’m not immature like them. But that what is was, their ego being my enemy till I was 20 or so.

I want to find confidence within myself. I don’t want to feel like I just got out of trouble and I better do everything within my power to not rock the boat. No matter how much autonomy it costs.

[barryhairry]

Ducks on a pond, on a foggy Wednesday morning

I have responsibilities, routines, and expectations worth upholding

The sun makes me squint, like a torch covered by a blanket with the fog oh so thick

I feel the heat burrowing through the planes, making the holiday seasons yank by oh so quick

What a privilege it is to look forward to the night

But like a child, I’m ignorant to the truth that relaxation and comfort is earned through the daily plight

The neighbors dog, the flap of goose wings, the birds chirping, the school bus breaking, the sun now moving out of my blind spot and causing me to turn my head.

Time is so cliche.

And is the true ruler of our world

[barryhairry]

Why does having to interact with coworkers instantly kill my mood. Like all I want is to be alone and sit in silence.

Fuck you and your hello. I don’t care.

[barryhairry]

My load smelled like cookie dough Today

[barryhairry]

I fixed my diet, for like a whole month I had like 1 shit every 2-3 days and I’m back to maybe twice a day now 🤪🤪🤪

[dankmemeuniversity]

[barryhairry]

All this “encouraging talk” it’s making me feel overwhelmed and sad. I’m still doing a god thing visiting my parents but ittttt hurts.

Not gonna show it or say anything about it. It’s good not to be in an echo chamber.

I just want to wallow.

[tamcon1888]

[sandmandaddy69]

[bythelake1]

Aylesham centre 📍

[barryhairry]

It was my first day and I thought I did a rootin tootin job but I read the reviews left about me and turns out I just did a tootin job. Like shit farts. And my internal dialogue is like swimming through quick sand and mud, trying to climb out and return to my fantasy of being….🤷‍♀️….ok I guess.

[aqwult]