Afro-Mau5 @batchak - Tumblr Blog

But that's the thing, I always love a challenge, so I should be satisfied, but the money isn't enough, and it invites the thought that I'm not enough, which I can change, but I won't change it for something that doesn't value me. Or maybe I shouldn't be influenced by the outside stimuli. I am the conqueror first and foremost.

This job is pretty unfulfilling, I'm awake and unmotivated to go again

It feels as though I'm hammering at a wall, and I'm being paid a flat, low salary to hammer it. They tease me with an incentive if I manage to break the wall, but the wall just never breaks. I'll go in with a hammer every day to still try, but the wall just won't break. And I'm not paid enough to even try this hard in the first place.

batchak

Not gonna lie. I always feel like I'm just one step of from success, and each and every time I just fumble the bag. Like it's in my nature to be just out of reach out what I really need/deserve. The label of "almost" is a stigma stuck in my head so deeply that it anyways brings me back to that crossroad. This year I really and truly wanted to be different. It started a little rough what with my once friend trying to ruin my space and home, but I had overcome, then there's this.

I'm ambitious up until things get really real. In that moment I always freeze. The moment when the decision is SUPPOSED to be made. I freeze.

I was honest with you. You took it badly. I bent and now I feel restricted. I'm given this opportunity at work and it's given with an undertone. I lose the chance. The things I always want, I freeze and I always lose. It feels like I'm cursed with it. To almost make it every time.

But in my true nature, I'll keep pushing, I'll try again, I'll try again until I learn to let go of the past and make the decision with ease.

Didn't feel so alive since I applied for defense, it was that level of effort that brought the great disappointment, but everything else was so... "There"

It wasn't almost. The pain was PAIN. The disappointment was CRUEL. HARSH.

But it was all the way. There was no "almost"

I "almost" made it in, yeah. But not because I myself half assed the attempt. I can blame the years before that I didn't apply sure, but I know for a fact I didn't want it then, I wanted it now, and there wasn't two thoughts about that. It was a beautiful thing to experience.

I just want to kill this "almost" spell I've self cast.

batchak

I realized when I have my greatest ambition, the greatest resistance shows itself and so, instead of looking at what is in my way, acknowledge it's resultant of my own Will. Whether or not it's a direct result stays up for debate, but not a debate I intend to spend energy on.

Probably takes a lot more energy, but I'm not feeling to separate my thoughts between my sub blogs anymore, I've more adopted the fact that there is no "left" and "right" in me. There's just me. I am both, and we're all one.