HIIII, damn it's been a while from the last time. it feels like writing a diary but public ykw i mean?
sooo school it's finally over, like for about two weeks, and i have to say that its kinda weird. the first week was HELL. i couldnt get up from my bed and i cried all day almost every day. i dont know why tbh, surely not for school. hell nah i hate that place. idk BUT im fine now!! im going out almost every day and i feel slightly better. at first i was afraid (I WAS PETRIFIED🗣️🗣️) bc i couldnt get out and i was like "tf is going on?" then my best friend dragged me out of the house and now i guess that im fine. she even bought a book!!
my other best friend lent to me her favorite book, the poppy war. I REALLY LIKED IT!! now i have to read the second, but im sure is gonna be fire (like rin and altan lmao).
talking abt her, lately i started to asking myself what is the nature of our relationship, i mean, yea we're best friends but idk, i feel weird abt her.
often i feel like i could melt w her, like literally, as gems in SU. and i love her deeply, shes my other half. i think abt her very often and when shes not near i miss her a lot.
she is not very physically affectionate, but she let me hug her all the time (almost every time), and i really appreciate be close to her. yesterday we were together in her bed, our other friend was lying w us and we were hugged in bed while talking abt her fav book (THE POPPY WAR!! i started reading it for her) and we were comfortable with each other.
we usually joke a lot about being together and i feel strangely jealous of her, but she once confessed to me that it's the same for her too. and idk. i mean we're both girls and im totally fine with it, but idk if she is. she's ally and i dont know, i shouldn't feel this way about her, even if we literally act like we are a couple.
two nights ago i was drinking w my friends and i called her because i missed her and we talked for a bit. i asked her why she didnt love me and she said that she does, but she would loves me more if i stopped drinking because she knows that i cant handle even just a glass. then i told her something like "i know you'd leave me if a handsome boy who reads came to you" and she told me laughing "well, who wouldnt?" and even if i know she was joking i still i hung up the phone in her face and cried for like 40 minutes.
the next day i attended her final exam but i promised to never drink again just because i know she doesnt like it.
i talked abt this thought w our best friend (the one who was lying w us) abt it, like stop drinking, and when she asked me why i just told her it was bc i dont like how i become when i do it. and she just nodded.
i haven't told anyone yet abt how i feel because im honestly afraid that saying it out loud will make it real. she isnt very open to talk abt feelings, yk that she cares through small gestures, and i see them every time, but i know that talking w her abt this would just ruin our friendship, which is more precious than anything else we could have, so i dont want to lose her.
JEEZ THIS IS SO SAPPY, just kill me pls, how gay am i on a scale of 1 to 10💔💔
