xoxo, lover girl

she/her

[bbycitruskiss]

I still get anxious when I see your name on my phone. I still overthink my responses to you. I wonder if this constant confusion will ever go away.

[bbycitruskiss]

tw: suicidal ideation

I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I would like to sleep for at least a month so I can avoid everything and everyone right now. My head hurts from crying on and off today. I’m tired of trying to figure out which emotions are rational and which aren’t. If I wasn’t alive I wouldn’t have to figure any of this out. I think true peace would be no longer existing in this world, but I can’t prove that that would actually bring me peace. I like to think it would though. It has to be better than my current existence. I know this will pass, but it hasn’t felt this heavy in so long. I want to talk to someone about it but I also just want to be alone. I don’t know what to do other than wallow in this immense hurt.

[bbycitruskiss]

How many more times will I dream of us being together before my mind fully lets you go

[bbycitruskiss]

Watching how I met your mother and randomly talking with you one on one is killing me. I’ve worked so hard to be over you. Am I so weak that one conversation is all it takes to be enamored by you again? I love being friends and I love how effortless it can feel when we talk, but I hate how scared it makes me. What if you’ll always be my Robin? What if I never get over you?

[bbycitruskiss]

Poor writing is why you can’t be my Robin. Reality however, makes me hold a candle in the darkest part of my mind and soul that maybe you could be my Robin. I hope it burns out.

[bbycitruskiss]

Watching how I met your mother and randomly talking with you one on one is killing me. I’ve worked so hard to be over you. Am I so weak that one conversation is all it takes to be enamored by you again? I love being friends and I love how effortless it can feel when we talk, but I hate how scared it makes me. What if you’ll always be my Robin? What if I never get over you?

[bbycitruskiss]

I wish I had a clearer understanding of what this is. I’m confused and don’t know what’s past or present. I know overthinking is adding to my confusion but fuck maybe I did love you. Maybe I fucked up by sharing I used to like you. How am I nostalgic over moments that have never happened? Why I am reliving events that were nothing more than friendship? Is this what I get for wanting another writing muse? I hope this untangles itself soon. I hope I am right when I say we are the 99% and not the 1%.

[bbycitruskiss]

I don’t know if I’m holding onto something by saying I loved you vs acknowledging I have deep love for you. Things are easier when we don’t talk daily. I process things clearer. I hope we stay in the 99%.

[bbycitruskiss]

Boundaries are good. Thank u for being a muse, thank u for being just a friend.

[bbycitruskiss]

I’ve lied yet again. My life has been the calmest in a long time and I think it’s bc I’ve been doing my best to not talk to you. The feelings are too intense and it’s not fair to me to navigate through them. I do want your friendship, but in smaller doses. It’s safer this way, I’d stumble my way into ruining us otherwise.

[bbycitruskiss]

I talked about you w him. And I was surprised; he said friendship love exists and maybe it was someone who was right person, wrong time, but you can still love someone despite that. Maybe time was off or maybe I’ve been drowning in the cliche men and women cannot be just friends. Distance helps, but this realization helped more.

End of chapter.

[bbycitruskiss]

Message I won’t send you:

Hey! Hope you’re doing okay. We haven’t talked in a bit, but was thinking about you today. Take care of yourself ok? :)

[bbycitruskiss]

I’m an idiot insistent on removing doors I locked just to see if you’re still on the other side.

[bbycitruskiss]

Is it wrong to wish that doors that are meant to stay closed could at least stay unlocked?

[bbycitruskiss]

same story, different time; I’m happy you’re happy, but sometimes I wish it was me. this is how I know I loved you, even when I wish I didn’t.

[bbycitruskiss]

I wish I had a clearer understanding of what this is. I’m confused and don’t know what’s past or present. I know overthinking is adding to my confusion but fuck maybe I did love you. Maybe I fucked up by sharing I used to like you. How am I nostalgic over moments that have never happened? Why I am reliving events that were nothing more than friendship? Is this what I get for wanting another writing muse? I hope this untangles itself soon. I hope I am right when I say we are the 99% and not the 1%.

[bbycitruskiss]

I don’t know if I’m holding onto something by saying I loved you vs acknowledging I have deep love for you. Things are easier when we don’t talk daily. I process things clearer. I hope we stay in the 99%.

[bbycitruskiss]

Boundaries are good. Thank u for being a muse, thank u for being just a friend.

[bbycitruskiss]

I’ve lied yet again. My life has been the calmest in a long time and I think it’s bc I’ve been doing my best to not talk to you. The feelings are too intense and it’s not fair to me to navigate through them. I do want your friendship, but in smaller doses. It’s safer this way, I’d stumble my way into ruining us otherwise.

[bbycitruskiss]

I talked about you w him. And I was surprised; he said friendship love exists and maybe it was someone who was right person, wrong time, but you can still love someone despite that. Maybe time was off or maybe I’ve been drowning in the cliche men and women cannot be just friends. Distance helps, but this realization helped more.

End of chapter.

[bbycitruskiss]

Message I won’t send you:

Hey! Hope you’re doing okay. We haven’t talked in a bit, but was thinking about you today. Take care of yourself ok? :)

[bbycitruskiss]

I’m an idiot insistent on removing doors I locked just to see if you’re still on the other side.

[bbycitruskiss]

I wish I had a clearer understanding of what this is. I’m confused and don’t know what’s past or present. I know overthinking is adding to my confusion but fuck maybe I did love you. Maybe I fucked up by sharing I used to like you. How am I nostalgic over moments that have never happened? Why I am reliving events that were nothing more than friendship? Is this what I get for wanting another writing muse? I hope this untangles itself soon. I hope I am right when I say we are the 99% and not the 1%.

[bbycitruskiss]

I don’t know if I’m holding onto something by saying I loved you vs acknowledging I have deep love for you. Things are easier when we don’t talk daily. I process things clearer. I hope we stay in the 99%.

[bbycitruskiss]

Boundaries are good. Thank u for being a muse, thank u for being just a friend.

[bbycitruskiss]

I’ve lied yet again. My life has been the calmest in a long time and I think it’s bc I’ve been doing my best to not talk to you. The feelings are too intense and it’s not fair to me to navigate through them. I do want your friendship, but in smaller doses. It’s safer this way, I’d stumble my way into ruining us otherwise.

[bbycitruskiss]

I talked about you w him. And I was surprised; he said friendship love exists and maybe it was someone who was right person, wrong time, but you can still love someone despite that. Maybe time was off or maybe I’ve been drowning in the cliche men and women cannot be just friends. Distance helps, but this realization helped more.

End of chapter.

[bbycitruskiss]

Message I won’t send you:

Hey! Hope you’re doing okay. We haven’t talked in a bit, but was thinking about you today. Take care of yourself ok? :)

[bbycitruskiss]

I wish I had a clearer understanding of what this is. I’m confused and don’t know what’s past or present. I know overthinking is adding to my confusion but fuck maybe I did love you. Maybe I fucked up by sharing I used to like you. How am I nostalgic over moments that have never happened? Why I am reliving events that were nothing more than friendship? Is this what I get for wanting another writing muse? I hope this untangles itself soon. I hope I am right when I say we are the 99% and not the 1%.

[bbycitruskiss]

I don’t know if I’m holding onto something by saying I loved you vs acknowledging I have deep love for you. Things are easier when we don’t talk daily. I process things clearer. I hope we stay in the 99%.

[bbycitruskiss]

Boundaries are good. Thank u for being a muse, thank u for being just a friend.

[bbycitruskiss]

I’ve lied yet again. My life has been the calmest in a long time and I think it’s bc I’ve been doing my best to not talk to you. The feelings are too intense and it’s not fair to me to navigate through them. I do want your friendship, but in smaller doses. It’s safer this way, I’d stumble my way into ruining us otherwise.

[bbycitruskiss]

I talked about you w him. And I was surprised; he said friendship love exists and maybe it was someone who was right person, wrong time, but you can still love someone despite that. Maybe time was off or maybe I’ve been drowning in the cliche men and women cannot be just friends. Distance helps, but this realization helped more.

End of chapter.

[bbycitruskiss]

I wish I had a clearer understanding of what this is. I’m confused and don’t know what’s past or present. I know overthinking is adding to my confusion but fuck maybe I did love you. Maybe I fucked up by sharing I used to like you. How am I nostalgic over moments that have never happened? Why I am reliving events that were nothing more than friendship? Is this what I get for wanting another writing muse? I hope this untangles itself soon. I hope I am right when I say we are the 99% and not the 1%.

[bbycitruskiss]

I don’t know if I’m holding onto something by saying I loved you vs acknowledging I have deep love for you. Things are easier when we don’t talk daily. I process things clearer. I hope we stay in the 99%.

[bbycitruskiss]

Boundaries are good. Thank u for being a muse, thank u for being just a friend.

[bbycitruskiss]

I’ve lied yet again. My life has been the calmest in a long time and I think it’s bc I’ve been doing my best to not talk to you. The feelings are too intense and it’s not fair to me to navigate through them. I do want your friendship, but in smaller doses. It’s safer this way, I’d stumble my way into ruining us otherwise.

[anxietyproblem]

[bbycitruskiss]

I hate that I consider someone’s every thought and feeling even when I’m upset. Why am I so aware of shit and people are so tone deaf? I’m trying so hard not to be bitter or angry but facts are I’m living through a very different pandemic than anyone I know and they could not handle the strength it takes me every day to keep functioning. Eventually I’ll find a therapist to talk this out w but holy fuck man. I want comfort, community, and peace but it feels like I can barely have one of these things and it’s starting to take a toll on me.

[bbycitruskiss]

I wish I had a clearer understanding of what this is. I’m confused and don’t know what’s past or present. I know overthinking is adding to my confusion but fuck maybe I did love you. Maybe I fucked up by sharing I used to like you. How am I nostalgic over moments that have never happened? Why I am reliving events that were nothing more than friendship? Is this what I get for wanting another writing muse? I hope this untangles itself soon. I hope I am right when I say we are the 99% and not the 1%.

[bbycitruskiss]

I don’t know if I’m holding onto something by saying I loved you vs acknowledging I have deep love for you. Things are easier when we don’t talk daily. I process things clearer. I hope we stay in the 99%.

[bbycitruskiss]

Boundaries are good. Thank u for being a muse, thank u for being just a friend.

[bbycitruskiss]

I wish I had a clearer understanding of what this is. I’m confused and don’t know what’s past or present. I know overthinking is adding to my confusion but fuck maybe I did love you. Maybe I fucked up by sharing I used to like you. How am I nostalgic over moments that have never happened? Why I am reliving events that were nothing more than friendship? Is this what I get for wanting another writing muse? I hope this untangles itself soon. I hope I am right when I say we are the 99% and not the 1%.

[bbycitruskiss]

I don’t know if I’m holding onto something by saying I loved you vs acknowledging I have deep love for you. Things are easier when we don’t talk daily. I process things clearer. I hope we stay in the 99%.

[bbycitruskiss]

I wish I had a clearer understanding of what this is. I’m confused and don’t know what’s past or present. I know overthinking is adding to my confusion but fuck maybe I did love you. Maybe I fucked up by sharing I used to like you. How am I nostalgic over moments that have never happened? Why I am reliving events that were nothing more than friendship? Is this what I get for wanting another writing muse? I hope this untangles itself soon. I hope I am right when I say we are the 99% and not the 1%.

[bbycitruskiss]

it feels so fucking good to not be in love with you anymore. after seven years I’m finally at a point where I can say that I love you and know there isn’t any doubt if I’m still in love with you.