◇」detective erin lindsay.

indie and private erin lindsay from chicago pd. ROUGH AND TUMBLE. i was born into bad news & i just can't seem to get away from it.

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

It’s your own humanity you’ll have to drag over and over, piece by piece, page after page out of the dark.

Adrienne Rich, from Later Poems: From Strata (via violentwavesofemotion)

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[bcdnews-blog]

@vcight.

“ it ain’t your fault.   you did what you had to do. “    her hesitation did not go amiss, but it was late.    both tired.   he wasn’t gonna push her.   “ mm. you kinda did that all by yourself. “    he hadn’t planned on bringing home a teenager… but she’d made him love her by just being who she was.  “ now go to bed, kid. “

a nod.   it felt nice to hear it from somebody else.   sometimes it were hard to differentiates which things were lies she’d told herself in comfort.   but sleep sounded pretty good right then.   “ goodnight. ”   the smallest of smiles on her lips & she headed back up to her room.   things would change but it’d be a good change.  a needed one.

[bcdnews-blog]

@vcight​.

lips met her hair.    chin, then resting on her head as he kept her close.   “ you know the smartest kind of trap?   s’when you keep yourself imprisoned.  he knew what he was doin’.  “   his head pulled back, then.   only to capture her eyes.   “  and i need you to know this ain’t the same thing.   you stopped being a CI to me a long time ago.   you don’t owe me a thing—we’re here because i care about you.   you’re family.   you understand?  i expect nothing but you takin’ this chance that you’ve got and doin’ something more with your life.  somethin’ you want for you. and i know you want more.  you wouldn’t be here now if you didn’t. “     she’d be with him.  pugliese.

“ i should’ve known. ”   in most ways, she had.   electing to ignore it on the basis that he had done good things for her.   besides, with the way bunny’s boyfriends were...   but she’d done what she had to do to keep surviving.   charlie helped to guarantee that.   not anymore.   “ hank, i... ”   want to be a cop?   was now the right time to tell him that?   she shrugged then, forcing a yawn.   though in all honesty she were growing tired.   “ well, thank you... for being my family. i don’t know where i’d be... ”   a few slow nods. 

[bcdnews-blog]

@vcight.

he waited.    ( searching )   her eyes.     they were two of a kind, him & her.   expressing what was going on inside?       most of the time - good luck.     when words finally did air, his countenance softened.    eyes closing as he stepped into her, wrapping his arms around her whether she uncrossed hers or not.  “ i love you, erin.  m’always gonna protect you the best way i know how.  “

“ yeah, i know. ”   she did too.   from the first time they’d met...   hank had always kept his word.   he’d done more for her than her mom did in her entire life.   made her feel   ---   well, right there: loved.   “ i uh, i love you too. ”   first time she’d said it.   but he were the first & only real father figure in her life.   then, after moments, a deep breath expelled from her nostrils, followed by:   “ you were right. ”   to answer his earlier question.   she had felt indebted to charlie.

[bcdnews-blog]

@vcight​.

erin was unlike most fifteen years olds—the things she’d been through?    it was enough to age someone beyond their years.    but she was still a minor.   and knowing what he’d gotten up to with her?   a man of twenty five years…  his then clean hands nearly met the counter top in balled fists.    he refrained, however, setting them down slowly -knuckles white beneath the force of the clench.   ( almost )  as tightly wound as his jaw.   his head was angled toward the floor, eyes closed.     “ you know,  men are terrible and i mean terrible creatures, kid. “ a sigh, expelled from his nostrils, before he turned to face her.  “ i know you’ve seen some things. god knows you’ve seen some things no kid should ever see. but you ain’t seen what i’ve seen, kid.     kids that ain’t got a chance in the world they’ll do just about anythin’ to survive, and predators?   they know it—-they can smell it a mile away and that man you’re defending, he doesn’t like six-seven year olds and takes away their souls but he sure as hell took something from you, erin.    and he did it in a way that made sure you felt indebted to him am i right?    so yeah he’s gone.  “

she shifted, arms folding themselves across her chest.   for as long as erin could remember she’d felt like she owed it to someone.   ( her life. )   her mom...   the majority of her childhood spent making sure the woman was okay.   at the most, not dead.   suffered with her through every guy who came in & went out with a bang.   every damn high & low.   what else were she supposed to do?   it was HER MOM.   and then when bunny disappeared it’d been charlie.   he made sure she had someone to go, most times.   made sure she ate.   --- the drug supply.   things were easier with him around.   but had she really been living?   were that the life she wanted?   fingers clutched her arms tightly.   but she had hank now, and she may owe him but it were a whole different perspective.   a good one.   one erin knew she couldn’t go on without.   hell, that’s why she were here.   but talking about things weren’t her greatest skill.   bottled it up instead.   worked well for her in the end.   with a deep breath the words slipped out of her mouth before she’d even the time to process them:   “ thank you. ”   & oh she knew she would be thankful.

[vrafarmiga]

detective erin lindsay per episode —–

  NOW IS ALWAYS TEMPORARY  ( 1x04 )

You’re really just gonna let me go score? I’m letting you make a choice. That’s why I wanted you to do it sober. ‘Cause there is another way: that clinic across the street has everything you need to get started. So, you’re gonna get out, I’m gonna drive away and then the choice is yours. Walk over to the clinic or walk across the street and buy. This is a decision that you have to make for yourself. Otherwise we’re just wasting our time here. Take my card. If you want a life, better than what you got, I will help you get to the other side. That is a promise.

[bcdnews-blog]

@vcight. 

charlie pugliese was one stubborn son of a bitch.     almost two hours later hank was arriving home, trying to be as quiet as possible to save waking those already inside.   there was no getting past erin, however – a fact hank soon saw to be true.   with a soft click the door closed behind him.    “ what i said would happen. “     a vague, low growl as he headed for the kitchen.     straight for the sink.    ( bloodstained )  knuckles were soon beneath the spray of warm water.

“ your hands... ”   a gulp as she followed him into the kitchen.   “ i uh, i know i shouldn’t have shown up, ”   erin wouldn’t apologize.   she weren’t sorry.   had charlie of died...   didn’t want to think about it.   “ but he didn’t deserve that. ”   their relationship had it’s own twists & turns yet here she stood, defending it.   funny how things worked.   she wouldn’t have to any longer though.   “ ------ he’s really gone? ”

[bcdnews-blog]

@vcight​.

a nod.   another.   he’d half expected protest - or some snark but her actions reaffirmed something he knew to be true about erin.   she was as loyal as they made ‘em.   it was why she’d fought for pugliese - but at the end of the day?    she was most loyal to voight.    something he knew to be true, and also something he would never abuse.   not like the man he wanted to end. **  “ go home. “**     al would be taking her.     & with that came the slamming of the SUV door, engine roaring to life.     as it rolled away, two men in the vehicle - only one would return.

she’d got back in as quietly as she slipped out.   the house untouched, quiet & dark.   cami and justin were still asleep thankfully.   though erin only worried about the former.   justin, well, they were a team.   but she couldn’t sleep.   no...   she trusted in hank’s words ( but ) it’d take awhile before the teen wouldn’t worry about charlie.   loyal.   she were loyal.   always had been, always would be.   car lights dimming out front signified hank being home, hours having passed.   on her tip toes she moved from her room & down the stairs, meeting the bottom as he came in.   “ what happened? ”

[bcdnews-blog]

@vcight​.

“ wherever the hell he pleases – i don’t give a shit as long as it’s not in my city and not around you. “ a turn, then.   finger yet again pointed at her face as he steps in.  “ he pulls you backwards, erin. after everythin’… after all you did to get out.  he’s dead weight.  n’you’re gonna cut him loose for good you hear me? “

bottom lip tucked between teeth, she eyed him.   her chest rose & fell with solid breaths.   ( as if contemplating )   it weren’t an option though, that erin knew.   and what he were saying, well, she knew that too.   but after everything charlie’d done for her?   she’d owed him.   that’s how it worked.   she owed hank more though.   ( everything )   & she’d just bought charlie his life.   after a few minutes, a nod & her hands held out at her sides.   “ i hear ya. ”

[bcdnews-blog]

@vcight​.

“ it means after tonight you’re never gonna see this asshole again,” he growled.  “ but he gets to walk outta chicago alive. “   as opposed to becoming fish food.  al began to load the unconscious pugliese into the trunk of hank’s SUV.    still out cold; warren had hit him over the head something good.

“ out of chicago? where? ”   an uncomfortable shift.   though she dare not allow it show upon her face.   line of sight never left hank but from the corner she watched as charlie were pulled away.   “ but he... ”   ah, there’d be no but’s.   not any hank would listen to.   it’d been a constant push & pull with charlie   ---   she wanted him around as badly as she didn’t.   now hank were making the call.   “ you swear? he leaves ALIVE. ”   man always did keep his word.

[bcdnews-blog]

@vcight continued from ( x )

    “ ------ if i say i’m good, i’m good, hank. we find the guy who did this & he rots in a jail cell. that’s it. ”

[bcdnews-blog]

@vcight.

the latter of her comments shook him.    ( reaching him )    through that anger.   what would it do to her?    having this on her shoulders on top of it all.   look at her already…   and whatever he thought of pugliese?   it wouldn’t change the fact that erin & the scumbag were inextricably linked.   as the car rolled to a stop al was at the window, two words uttered to the guy before he was dragging a body out of the back.    soon enough charlie’s unconscious form was slumped at hank’s feet.  a hand to hank’s shoulder, then.   “ i’ll put him in the trunk–take him to los silos. we’ll run him out, hank. “   thirty seconds went by without a single response from hank - eyes staring at erin.    finally, he turned his back on both of them, growling in acquiescence.   it was done.  charlie would live.

her eyes turned to al.   they grew wide as her withdrew a body from the trunk.   even wider when she realized who it was.   tears brimmed.   then again, she should have KNOWN.   chest tight but line of sight shifted back to hank’s, waiting on his decision.   he had to let him live...   he just had to.   when it were apparent he would erin moved forward & knelt on a knee beside charlie.   “ you’re gonna be okay, yeah? ”   a small tap to his cheek.   she knew their relationship wouldn’t last long once she’d moved in with hank.   she’d been ready for that.   this?   not quite.   “ what do you mean, run him out? ”   brows raised.   figured questioning wouldn’t hurt now.

[bcdnews-blog]

@vcight​.

another growl.   jaw clenching this time.  her voice, her pleas—the goddamn look in her eyes——–it tugged at him.    “ he took advantage. “   loud.   “ leme tell you somethin’ -,”  his spine arched, finger pointed at her.   “ you don’t own pugliese a damn thing. “   movement behind them, al shuffling - a car’s headlights in the distance.     ( warren with the son of a bitch no doubt )  “ hank. she’s right… “    “ SHUT UP. “

“ maybe... but i followed! ”   she could feel the back of her throat well up.   her own jaw set in place.   if he killed charlie...   ( that’d be on her too )   he’d die because of her.   erin didn’t want to live with that.   “ you wanna drown him, i should go too, huh? ”   the drugs   ---   he hadn’t forced them into her.   a broken plea, then.   “ PLEASE. ”

[bcdnews-blog]

@vcight​.

if his jaw wasn’t jutted before, it sure was then.      what was she playing at?   following him.   ( she knew better )   a growl, then, hank stepping into his foster daughter.    a girl he’d grown to love & care for like his own flesh and blood.   eyes bore down into her.    yet – he spoke to the man behind him.  “ al.  it’s past her curfew, do me a favor n’take her home would ya? i’ve got some waste t'dump. “  a waste of space.

just as quickly as erin’d move forward did she take three steps back & out of reach.   there’d be no steering her away.   hazel eyes were wide, on voight’s.   “ ------ hank... ”   quiet.   “ he doesn’t deserve this. ”   folded arms dropped to her sides, hands slowly shaking.   “ he... he made sure i was... ”   all of the shit he’d put her through & she’d still defend him: he did help her.   who knew the state she would’ve been in otherwise?   even before hank...   “ i could’ve starved to death. i could be DEAD. ”   then again, could be dead ( because ) of him too.   she’d leave that out though.   “ i’m asking you... please don’t do this. ”   her voice shook.

[bcdnews-blog]

@vcight.

los silos         or        the river.        hank had two choices.      he’d chosen the river.      FIRE in his eyes, he’d grabbed al in a blaze and instructed his goon to meet them there with charlie pugliese.              the guy warren owed him—owed him big, and by delivering the no good piece of shit pugliese, he’d be even.          “  you sure you wanna do this, hank?  “    al had murmured before the appearance of someone hank had wanted far away from what was about to go down.      in the darkness eyes shot to erin, and hank threw down the steel chains he planned to drown a man in beside a large cement block.        “ what the HELL are you doin’ here? “      ( seething )    hank was seething.

“ what are YOU? ”   his question shot back at him.   it were rhetorical, however;  his previous words mingled with how well she knew what the man before her ( the man who took care of her, saved her ) were capable of...  a slow shake of her head as she stepped forward.   “ ------ so this your plan? this is you handling him? ”   he’d said those words..   told ‘er when she got out, didn’t want any worrying.   yeah, well.   erin were officially worried.  FOR HIS LIFE.   “ you can’t. ( not him. ) i won’t let you. ”   eyes pleading.

[bcdnews-blog]

CHARLIE OWED HER ONE.   least he said he had in exchange for a previous run.   so when hank & al had disappeared, erin having caught the tail end of a conversation she wanted to know more about involving his name, she’d taken him up on it.   with hank gone, camille in bed; she’d been on their tail in no time.   but charlie wouldn’t be waiting up for her.   and as expected --- & oh she’d expected --- they led her right to what she were curious about.   curiosity killed the cat.   from behind one of the barricades the teenager appeared.   “ no, ”   it were no sooner than the words had left hank’s mouth.   hazel eyes wide, on the bricks, then to the water.   “ not him. ”   a shake of her head.   “ NO. ”

@vcight​.