BeachImTan

It would take me a lot of courage to write

[beachimtan]

I AM SO EAGER TO FIND MY HAPPINESS THAT I LOST MYSELF.

and up to this day my mind is still blank.

i have no more emotions left but only sadness.

no another human being can fill the void in my heart.

no another man i can go crazy about.

no contentment left but only silence.

i still love everyone but not myself.

I still wanna see him in front of me but i can’t even look him in the eyes

i still wanna talk to her but she doesn’t want to be bothered

i still wanna tell him stories but he is too annoyed

i still wanna hangout with them but they are less interested

they say what they have to say

but never care of what truly matters

This cruel life is giving me not enough reasons to stay

how i wish i could go away..

never come back

[beachimtan]

My suicide poem

They think i won’t do it.. They think i won’t.

 Maybe i won’t do it today but probably when I’m alone. 

No sun will shine down on me, no blood will run through my veins,

 you think i won’t do it, you don’t know my pain.

your flowers are made out of lie

they’ll soon wither when i couldn’t touch the sky

this place i thought i’d come out a live

that was it i can’t survive.

The air won’t come in fresh

and no skin would be with flesh

my eyes who can see my life

will look darker than my soul can sight

Yes, i won’t do it tonight

Yes, I am still alive

But no, i will do it today

and yes, no one will come my way

[beachimtan]

I’m going to kill myself.

But i don’t know how. I don’t even know where and when. I just know that I’m tired and i died already. No one will care if i ever do it. They have their own lives. I’m left out. I am so alone. They may cry by the time that they find out but  their lives will still go on, i won’t even affect them. Do you know how it feels to think about on how to make myself happy but always end up feeling unsatisfied/sad? Do you know how depressing that is? No. Of course not. A lot of people say that ‘oh it’s okay you’ll be fine’ but you don’t understand! You will never understand unless you are in that situation! Do you know how it feels to remember that yourself is hopeless? that you cannot escape from the situation you have no idea why you are in? That you can never be happy because this is your life and you can’t do anything because you have to do what they say. You have to follow the rules because you might get beaten up for being stupid, for doing things that what you think suites you, for letting yourself  free for awhile. I grew up thinking that my dad is in abroad for us, and it is not a problem with me. He left for good but i didn’t know it would cause a lot of things that would make my situation even worst. We were left here where fear kept us. At a young age, i tried to understand everything, that things will not happen the way i wanted it. I grew up as an independent person but as the time goes by. the past haunts me. Do you know how crazy it is to cry every night because i can still feel the pain, it is still urging and i have no idea how to get away with it. You will not understand what I’m saying because i also cannot find the right words to describe to you how painful and traumatic it is to live this kind of life. The only person i can lay my head next to is God. My family? i couldn’t even remember when was the last time they asked me If I am alright. My friends? they will never understand. I don’t like ‘pity’ from them. I understand that my Dad can’t be here with us and that my Mom chose the fucked up life and that my brother will steal away everything just for attention and make up stories just for his own credit. ( another person that ruined my life ) Well yeah How can i be so thankful? You know, i really tried to keep this to myself, to never let the grudges get me. At the age of 14?15?16? How can you expect me to understand every fucking thing that you say to me and expect me to not mind it at all? What hurts me the most is that they don’t mind what i might feel anymore. I know I’m too old for this shit but they should remember that no one’s too old for love.Don’t dare tell me that i didn’t do anything to make the situation better. You have no idea how much stories and feelings I’ve let out but they have never taken seriously. You are not in the position to judge me. You are not in the position to tell me what to do. I don’t need anyone’s advice because that won’t make me feel any better.  I feel like a garbage can, all my family’s trash are thrown to me and i am so fed up with these emotions and that I’m soon going to burn and be gone in this world.  Sabi nga ni eminem “ But then of course everything always happens for a reason I guess it was never meant to be But it's just something we have no control over and that's what destiny is But no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep Maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream” i give up.

[beachimtan]

often taken for granted

Napapansin ko lang. Not to brag about me being kind to others pero lately. Sobrang nahahata ko na na kapag may favor sakin ang isang tao then di ko nagawa magagalit sila. I mean i try my best pero kung hindi pwede hindi talaga diba. And what is it for me kapag ginawa ko yun? Naiisip ko na sobrang bait ko sa tao na kapag hindi ko na sinunod mga gusto nila nag eend up na magagalit sila. So ako lalabas na masama pero ano? Pano kung ayaw ko? Sobrang kakaiba ng mga tao lately na i don't see this as a challenge. I see this as an attitude problem towards people na. Especially kapatid ko. I don't know what to feel anymore sa mga sinasabi nya. Kapal ng mukha. Squatter. Walang hiya. Tanga. Ano pa ba? Tinatry ko hindi isipin. Hindi pakinggan. Pero ang hirap. Tapos sa kapatid pa galing. Wala akong kasalanan. Wala. Wala. Sobrang nasasaktan na ako. Kasi hindi ko deserve tong nangyayari sakin. Ano ba dapat sakin? Ano ba dapat deserve ko? Yung tingin kong tama para sakin or yung tingin ng iba para sakin? Sa totoo lang gusto ko na mawala sa mundo. Feeling ko sobrang worthless ko. Dahil sa mga sinasabi nya sakin. Alam kong hindi feel ng iba to pero ang sakit talaga. Kung may toleration ako sa physical pain pero sa emotions mahina ako. I just think na i hindi ako ipinanganak for this. Hindi ako nag sstrive to live for this kind of problem to exist. Yung family problem tanggap ko. Pero yung isisi mo sakin yung mga bagay na pinagkait sayo? Na wala naman akong kinalaman. Sana nga kung papatayin ko sarili ko ngayon sumaya ka eh. Kaso putangina mo that won't solve your problems. Wag mo kong idamay.

[beachimtan]

I’m really tired of being kind but i can’t be that bad, right?

[beachimtan]

People are so selfish and I’m so good at forgiving them. Again, It’s not alright but why do i keep on saying that It’s just fine.

[beachimtan]

Why

I don’t understand why you give your all to someone yet he still chose to hurt you. You accepted his whole being yet you didn't get the love you deserved. You gave him a second chance yet he still proved you’re right - that you’ll only get hurt again. I took the risk yet he didn't see my fall. What else i can do, you got my heart and chose to break it in two.

[beachimtan]

i want to be your "pre, ayoko talaga siya mawala eh"

[beachimtan]

People are always taking me for granted because they knew i wouldn't get mad. I Hope i can do something to make a change. I’m tired of smiling when it’s really not okay. I never pull people closer but i also don’t push them away. I just wish they would treat me the kind of treatment i deserve and not just pin point what i should do and don’t. Just wish i had the courage to let go of the people that whispers inside of me and breaks the whole me.

[beachimtan]

Will keep this in mind

[beachimtan]

Where were you when everything was falling apart

You're just there through the good times but never the bad.

[beachimtan]

My parents don’t deserve me and i don’t deserve them either

I did all my best to prove them that i can do all the things i want without them

I’m near to being a dean’s lister without them encouraging me to become one

I’m 17 and I’m not pregnant I’m not taking drugs and I’m still a virgin 

I don’t have a boyfriend

Yet i can’t have what i want

They’re taking me for granted because they know i will understand them

I wanted to make a stand

But i only ended up turning my back

going away

slowly disappearing

because i don’t want to disappoint anyone

I don’t want to be a cause of  any burden

But i want to be happy

My parents don’t deserve me

I’m too good for them

I didn't know this would also be applicable 

I don’t deserve them either

because they’re nothing but a source of sadness

they’re supposed to lift me up

not to get me to the ground.

[beachimtan]

I JUST DON'T GET IT

Why the hell would a person tell you they like you and do all the sweetest stuffs like buy you food, carry your bag, wait for you etc. then all of a sudden they don't like you any more leaving you like " Were good friends, right?"

[beachimtan]

I need someone to tell me I'm beautiful, every single day

I need someone who will tell me Everything's going to be fine today, I'm here for you 

I need someone who won't give up on me

who would understand my flaws

my mistakes

someone who would never ever get tired of me

I need someone who won't leave 

Someone who won't leave me

please

Don't

leave

me...

[beachimtan]

I don't care if you're 100000 miles away from me

I don't care if you weigh two hundred and thirty pounds

I don't care if you drink coffee 8 times each day

I don't care if you smoke

I don't care if your eyebags are larger than your eyes

Maybe love is seeing things and appreciating its existence.. 

but it's not just that

it is about valuing what you can't see. You've waited more than a year and i hope you wouldn't want to waste that... waste me... I'm not asking you to treat me like a princess nor a queen. I just want you to simply love me FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

[beachimtan]

I hate myself for letting you hurt me. I don’t know why I’m stuck in love with you for too long. All i know is that i don’t deserve this kind of treatment. You know I’ve tried so much for us to get better but things are getting worse every single fucking day and it kills me. If you like/love someone else please tell me i swear i wouldn't get mad at you Or even let you see me after all. Don’t let me wait for something you know i wouldn't get a chance at all. I may be the most understanding person you’ll ever meet so whatever it is that makes you treat me like this, you better shit tell me. I’m starting to be the person i don’t want myself to be 💔 Minsan hate kita, pero mas madalas, mahal kita. 💔

[beachimtan]

I still think I'm the bestest girlfriend you'll ever have. Ha! sml