Writing this before I have to sleep before work, but GAHD DAHM, the road my life has been on has been so tumultuous and exhausting. Wanted to break this down just to look at it, and share it as well, I guess.
A small rundown for my family: parents are both Mormons, I was raised Mormon as well, along with my 3 siblings. I don't believe in mormonisn anymore, though my parents a quite devout. My family has issues, especially with my father, but we're all working on them.
It started around 2020, while I was in the 2nd to last year of middle school, me and my family were living in our grandparents house until we could get the deed to a plot of land. My parents wanted to build their own house, with the help of my grandfather, on my mom's side. They had recently secured one, and they were working on paying it fully.
Covid hit around that time, and my dad, who worked IT at a traveling agency, was laid off. We lost the plot, as we couldn't get the money in time, and so we had to stay at our grandparents house a lot longer than we hoped for. As well as seeing my parents distressed, I was also floundering with my grades. I got distracted easily and constantly neglected work until the last moment. Wasn't until much later that I found out I have anxiety issues and the inattentive version of ADHD.
Even with all that on top of me and my family, we made it through. My dad was able to find a temp job, and I graduated middle school, even if barely. As Covid simmered down, I had to get ready for high-school. I decided to enroll at a local school one of my few friends were at, and tried my best.
While I was there, me and said friend founded a DnD club, in which the main group of people I played with ended up as my main friend group. With this group, I felt really able to be me, and was able to express feelings I didn't know I had, leading up to me realizing i was trans. I even ended up finding my first job there, as a recruiter for a Costa Rica that was opening nearby was handing out cards.
Eventually it just became too much. My grades kept dipping, work was stressful, it all led to a breaking point. I had my first mental breakdown late at night, and ended up staying at a hospital for a night. I came back after somewhat collecting myself, and I just couldn't handle much anymore. I left my job, left high-school, and fell into a slump.
I started therapy around this time, one my parents recommended. I slowly, but eventually worked out of the slump I was in. I enrolled into the GED program, and actually got through, with quite high grades, no less. I decided to try working again, this time at a local Walmart, but without any formal training, and not knowing what to do, the stress got to me again, and I ended up just... walking out of it.
I floated for a while, just, trying to live, day to day. My parents were pushing me to seek college or employment, because when I hit 18, they expected me to start paying rent (that or seek education). I was still doing therapy at the time, and she pushed me as well, recommending a Mormon owned thrift shop called Deseret Industries, or D.I.
I had also come out to my parents around this time. They questioned me a lot, mainly being "are you sure you're transgender?", but they said they loved me no matter what, however, its on me to pay for my own HRT and whatever else.
I eventually took the job at D.I.'s to try and get money for HRT, but i once again left out of stress over not knowing how to do my job.
I got news one day at home. One of the friends I made in middle school, who i hadn't been able to really talk to afterwards, committed suicide. I attended his funeral, and afterwards I felt like a husk.
I went back to just floating through life again, but I still felt like I was deteriorating. Eventually the only thing motivating me to keep living was the chance that I could actually transition one day.
Early this year, I decided to try a different therapist. The one I currently had did help me through a lot, but they weren't the best fit, using belief and religion to try to help me. I switched to one that was more supportive of LGBTQ, and less reliant on religion. She actually has been a major help, and making me feel like transitioning was less of a pipe dream.
About a month ago, I applied to a fast food joint to try to get the money for HRT again, and my therapist is working on finding reliable sources to get started. I'll meet with her again on Tuesday, and discuss any info. I finally feel hopeful again, its been such a long and arduous journey for me, and I'm beyond overjoyed to finally start feeling like myself.
