I don't know. @beatriceclark - Tumblr Blog

Beatrice looked down asking herself why she was so stupid. She should’ve just shut her mouth, of course it was wrong for her to ask that. Obviously Lucinda wasn’t going to say ‘okay’. That would be too easy, too easy for Beatrice and she did not deserve easy. Especially not with Luci. Not after everything she has done.

Beatrice scratched her forearm nervously, “I’m sorry,” she repeated quieter than before when Luci told Beatrice that only looking at her was killing her. The only thing that came through her mind at this point was to run away, run away from Luci because she didn’t know what to do anymore. “You don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve to be treated the way I treated you and you surely don’t deserve me taking your time away from whatever’s for sure more important that this,” she spoke calmly, “I should just go back home,” she added, getting up quit quickly, “I’m sorry, I should go,” she scratched the back of her neck, her eyes meeting with Luci’s for the first time, before repeating, “I’m sorry,” and rushing out from the small café. Her heart still racing, she hopped into her car and threw her purse on the passenger seat, hands grabbing onto the stering as she tried to calm down by taking long deep breaths, that’s what they thought her in rehab when she would feel she was about to have a panic attack. It helped.

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Lucinda’s eyes wandered to Beatrice’s nails scratching at her skin and she frowned, having to fight the urge to lean over and rest her hand atop the woman’s to get her to stop. Beatrice began to explain that Lucinda didn’t deserve this and the young woman frowned, looking up at her ex before her eyes widened when Beatrice suddenly left.

“What… the fuck,” Lucinda breathed after a moment of silence. Her eyes followed Beatrice through the glass walls to her car and she watched her sitting in the driver’s seat. Lucinda grabbed her glass and took another sip of water, confident that Beatrice wasn’t about to drive off just yet, and let out a slow breath. She wasn’t letting this chapter of her life die that easily. She got up slowly, her pulse thundering in her ears, and set down a tip before tugging on Perdita’s leash gently and leaving the cafe. Lucinda walked over to the car and opened the passenger’s door. She picked up Beatrice’s purse and sat into the car, letting Perdita sit at her feet. Luci closed the door and sat with the other girl in silence before turning her head to look at her. “You know what I really don’t deserve?” Lucinda asked her, deciding it was her time to speak. “I don’t deserve someone who tries to tell me what I deserve - I know what I need, don’t take that away from me. And I really don’t deserve you running away from me, again. Jesus, look at you, Ris– how… have you got me in this position twice?” She chuckled sadly. “I’m here chasing after you again,” Lucinda licked her lips and set her jaw. “So, the way I see it, you have two choices,” she said, letting out a slow breath. “Either, you can kick me out of your car and drive back home, running away from me for the final time, because I will not let you come back and break me again… or, you can just sit there for a while and I can tell you how things have been for me whilst you calm down, and maybe you might decide you want this to work, and we can talk about that.” She finished, biting the inside of her cheek as she looked over at Beatrice.

beatriceclark

Beatrice's heart missed a beat when Lucinda hopped into the car, she wasn't expecting her to follow her here. She let go of the stering, her hands slowly moved to her own thighs were they rested. She couldn't even get herself to look at Luci while she listened to every single word she said. Slowly she calmed down, she was barely shaking anymore and it became easier for her to breath, but when Lucinda mentioned getting break again Beatrice shook her head softly because that really wasn't her intention even though it's not what it looked like. She just didn't know how to be around her anymore. She just wanted to grab her face and kiss her expecting it would be okay, but she knew it wasn't the right thing to do but then when did Bea even knew how to do or what was the right thing, anyways? Slowly she turned her head towards the other girl, finally looking at her she nodded as her hands reached for Luci's face before she pulled her in for a kiss. "I promise, I won't break you again, I swear it's not what I want," she mumbled against the brunette's lips.

justgetlostwithyou

beatriceclark

Noticing how Lucinda took a moment before really looking at her made her really realized that she probably hurt her real bad by leaving her the way she did. Clearly Beatrice didn’t deserve to have someone like her in her life, not that she really had her in the past few weeks. She was the only one to blame though and she knew it. Her thoughts quickly vanished as she noticed the excitment fromage Perdita to see her, causing her to smile widely. She walked quickly towards the dog, bend her knees and pet her. She gave her a few kisses in between the ‘I missed yous’ before her attention went back to Lucinda, “"Hi,” she said finally as she sat next to the other not knowing really what to say or where to start at this point although she was the one who asked for this meeting to happen. She looked down for a moment at her hands, they were shaky. She could feel and see them.

“"Is it wrong that I just wanna kiss you and act like nothing ever happened?” It was wrong for her to say that and she knew it, it just was more obvious when said out loud. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” she said quietly feeling even more ashamed of herself that she already did. It’s just looking at her brought back so much memories, good and bad. And it’s like she just needed to feel close to her again, feel something at least for her to think they could be okay again, feel like she still had her and as selfish as it sounded, maybe she realized that, that was the reason she wanted to meet with Lucinda.

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Lucinda’s jaw tightened when Beatrice spoke to Perdita before her. She watched the dark haired female quietly and chewed on her bottom lip, leaning forward to take a sip of her water in the hopes that it would quell the butterflies in her stomach. Not for the first time, she considered leaving the cafe altogether. Beatrice finally acknowledged her and Lucinda gave her a tight smile, picking at her nails anxiously.

Her head snapped up at Beatrice’s question and she frowned. Lucinda slowly turned her face away from Beatrice, her cheeks bright red. She wanted nothing more than to pretend that the past few weeks and months hadn’t happened either, but she couldn’t do that to herself. She couldn’t push her aching heart aside just to make Beatrice feel okay. Beatrice apologised and Lucinda nodded slowly, turning back to the woman and glancing up at her quickly. “You can’t do that, Ris,” she murmured, the fond nickname slipping from her lips. Lucinda looked up at her ex-girlfriend again and gritted her teeth before sitting back and letting out a sigh, running her hands through her hair. “Jesus Christ, just looking at you is killing me,” she chuckled bitterly, shaking her head.

beatriceclark

Beatrice looked down asking herself why she was so stupid. She should've just shut her mouth, of course it was wrong for her to ask that. Obviously Lucinda wasn't going to say 'okay'. That would be too easy, too easy for Beatrice and she did not deserve easy. Especially not with Luci. Not after everything she has done.

Beatrice scratched her forearm nervously, "I'm sorry," she repeated quieter than before when Luci told Beatrice that only looking at her was killing her. The only thing that came through her mind at this point was to run away, run away from Luci because she didn't know what to do anymore. "You don't deserve this, you don't deserve to be treated the way I treated you and you surely don't deserve me taking your time away from whatever's for sure more important that this," she spoke calmly, "I should just go back home," she added, getting up quit quickly, "I'm sorry, I should go," she scratched the back of her neck, her eyes meeting with Luci's for the first time, before repeating, "I'm sorry," and rushing out from the small café. Her heart still racing, she hopped into her car and threw her purse on the passenger seat, hands grabbing onto the stering as she tried to calm down by taking long deep breaths, that's what they thought her in rehab when she would feel she was about to have a panic attack. It helped.

beatriceclark

How did Beatrice end up so lucky that she had met Luci? After everything she put this girl through, never did Bea expect Luci to ever want to talk or see her again, but then there was a part of her that knew and it’s like she took advantage of it- in a way that she knew what Luci’s feeling were for her before she left and so it seemed obvious to her that she would not denied her invitation which she was glad she didn’t. She had and needed to see her. When she left, Beatrice thought Lucinda wouldn’t understand what was going on with her, she didn’t want to make her go through rehab by her side, she thought she didn’t need anyone, that she was strong enough not to have any support system for her. She was wrong. It’s only a few weeks later that she was to a point she felt the urge to see Lucinda, her ex girlfriend which she regrets calling her that even though she doesn’t wanna admit it to herself.

The two girls were meeting in a small cafe in Chicago, Beatrice was in New York when she texted Lucinda and so as soon as she said yes to meeting her, she grabbed the bag full of clothes and her stuff she usually needs when going away, that she had already prepared and left her small apartment to go and meet with this beautiful girl that was waiting for her.

After a moment of driving her car, Beatrice turned onto the street where her gps told her the cafe was. As she was turning she saw the small place and grin appeared on her face although she was really nervous to see Lucinda. She parked her car on the side of the road in front of the meeting spot, grabbed her purse and nervously got out and walked to the door spotting and brunette with a dog… Perdita, she took a deep breath and walked inside. As she did, Lucinda was already looking her way, making her look down for a second, still she was ashamed of herself. She raised her hand, waving it a little at the other girl to say hi, a shy smile on her face. She could feel her heart beating so hard, Lucinda was so pretty.

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The sight of Beatrice caused thick tears to well in her throat. She looked good, rehab had done her well, and that thought only made Lucinda frown. Perdita stood excitedly, recognising the woman instantly, and Lucinda reached down to quiet the almost fully-grown dog. She was secretly glad of the distraction, and Luci used the time to swallow her tears and blink quickly. Once she was certain that she looked almost normal again, Lucinda looked up at Beatrice. The woman waved and smiled and Lucinda could only stare at her.

She wanted to badly to be mad at her; to scream and cry and curse, but what good would that do? Beatrice had left, and clearly Lucinda deserved no say in what happened. Luci had only stayed a couple more months in the Safe Haven house before being offered a publishing deal by Featherproof Books. Figuring it was best to be in the same city as the company, Lucinda had made the move across the country. She was just starting to settle in and made friends - until Beatrice waltzed back into her life.

“Hey,” Lucinda tried; a feeble attempt at making conversation with the girl she claimed to love. She carefully pushed at the chair opposite her and hoped it would be taken as her trying to invite Beatrice to sit. She didn’t know how to speak to her anymore; they had never been ones for small talk.

beatriceclark

Noticing how Lucinda took a moment before really looking at her made her really realized that she probably hurt her real bad by leaving her the way she did. Clearly Beatrice didn't deserve to have someone like her in her life, not that she really had her in the past few weeks. She was the only one to blame though and she knew it. Her thoughts quickly vanished as she noticed the excitment fromage Perdita to see her, causing her to smile widely. She walked quickly towards the dog, bend her knees and pet her. She gave her a few kisses in between the ‘I missed yous’ before her attention went back to Lucinda, “"Hi,” she said finally as she sat next to the other not knowing really what to say or where to start at this point although she was the one who asked for this meeting to happen. She looked down for a moment at her hands, they were shaky. She could feel and see them.

“"Is it wrong that I just wanna kiss you and act like nothing ever happened?” It was wrong for her to say that and she knew it, it just was more obvious when said out loud. “I’m sorry, I shouldn't have said that,” she said quietly feeling even more ashamed of herself that she already did. It’s just looking at her brought back so much memories, good and bad. And it’s like she just needed to feel close to her again, feel something at least for her to think they could be okay again, feel like she still had her and as selfish as it sounded, maybe she realized that, that was the reason she wanted to meet with Lucinda.

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To say Luci was nervous about seeing Beatrice again was an understatement. After getting Beatrice’s texts she knew that she had to see her - Beatrice had been the only thing on her mind for weeks - but she knew that it wasn’t really the right thing to do. That girl had broken her in more ways than she knew possible. And yet, she still found herself sitting in the cafe waiting for Beatrice to appear.

She’d brought Perdita with her and the puppy sat at her feet obediently, the leash was being fiddled with by Lucinda’s nervous hands. Things had been getting worse for her; she’d been falling and losing her balance a lot more lately, and she was amazed that she hadn’t broken another bone after her previous incident with her collarbone. Still, she hadn’t gone to the doctor for fear of finding out that there was something truly wrong with her. Lucinda suddenly tuned in to the ringing of the bell over the door and her pulse thundered in her ears as she looked up, praying that Beatrice would return to her.

beatriceclark

How did Beatrice end up so lucky that she had met Luci? After everything she put this girl through, never did Bea expect Luci to ever want to talk or see her again, but then there was a part of her that knew and it's like she took advantage of it- in a way that she knew what Luci’s feeling were for her before she left and so it seemed obvious to her that she would not denied her invitation which she was glad she didn't. She had and needed to see her. When she left, Beatrice thought Lucinda wouldn't understand what was going on with her, she didn't want to make her go through rehab by her side, she thought she didn't need anyone, that she was strong enough not to have any support system for her. She was wrong. It's only a few weeks later that she was to a point she felt the urge to see Lucinda, her ex girlfriend which she regrets calling her that even though she doesn't wanna admit it to herself.

After a moment of driving her car, Beatrice turned onto the street where her gps told her the cafe was. As she was turning she saw the small place and grin appeared on her face although she was really nervous to see Lucinda. She parked her car on the side of the road in front of the meeting spot, grabbed her purse and nervously got out and walked to the door spotting and brunette with a dog... Perdita, she took a deep breath and walked inside. As she did, Lucinda was already looking her way, making her look down for a second, still she was ashamed of herself. She raised her hand, waving it a little at the other girl to say hi, a shy smile on her face. She could feel her heart beating so hard, Lucinda was so pretty.