[beauti-mous]

Alright time to write an emotional post.

Maybe it's the PMS, but lately I've been more sad than angry. I don't know, when my head isn't buzzing with all the busyness of life, I find myself thinking of you and how you are and what you're up to.

It's been four months since we broke it off and inside I'm still a mess despite what my outer facade may show. I get lonely on our special days and I just cry because we had something good. Not perfect but something special. I'm still in denial about everything because I'm not ready to let go. I keep thinking about the small fun things we did and traditions we had that didn't seem so special until now.

When you messaged me that you had deleted our photos my heart sank because I realised at the moment he's ready to let go. I looked back on our photos tonight and I don't intend of ever deleting but I just caught myself laughing instead of crying because we had fun together you know? The rides in the car where I'd video us singing or the photos we took when we always went out for breakfast because breakfast was our thing. The memories flooded back and I forgot for a moment all the stupid bad fights we had.

I miss you everyday and I'm sad I can't say I love you anymore properly because I still love you. I really try my best to to think about us but being with someone for 2 years means so much and just forgetting seems like what you had with a person is in vain.

But I have to remember and pull myself back into reality and realise I wasn't a priority to you for awhile and you left behind. Obviously I had my faults and I'm still sorry until the day I die. I really wished we had worked out in the end because being with you lifted my spirits up. I wished we tried hard enough and loved each other enough to not let go. But you know, cest la vie.

I hope you're okay. We havent spoken for nearly a week which is weird but I guess it's for the best? Although we did say we'd be best friends always but it's hard being best friends when I'm still in love you. It's hard messaging and getting happy for a bit and then you stop messaging so I guess I just had to stop replying because it'll be a cycle. Idk I wish we could talk normally again. I don't want to be strangers again with my best friend.

[beauti-mous]

Lately I've felt so overwhelmed and alone. I don't know if it's my hormones but I have so many emotions going through me right now and I'm so overwhelmed as to what I should be feeling at the very moment. I just want to run away from life. I want to scream and kick and just shout hoping all my frustrations will leave me.

If I were to analyse each feeling, there's a resounding amount of sadness.

1. I thought I'm getting better with the break up but only seeing more makes my heart ache just a bit more (duh). I don't know why I put myself in these situations after every heart break. I miss us so much and the fact that he doesn't want to be together or he doesn't feel the same just breaks me. I thought I would be strong being just friends but I can't. He's always on my mind but when I think about it, I'm hardly on his. So I don't know what the fuck I'm doing thinking about a guy who doesn't even love me like that anymore. I feel really stupid and used. Mostly stupid.

2. I just want to leave my house. I don't belong. I don't feel welcomed. So that's that.

3. My life isn't going the way I was hoping for. I mean I had many blessings this year but overall pretty shit. My mental health is a wreck. I'm a mess emotionally and physically. And people are just shitting on about my weight. I never really understood now how people get so mean and cruel and narcissistic about weight gain. I'm just trying to live my life eating food a like. Being chubby doesn't mean your ugly or less than. It just means I've gained.

I'm trying my hardest next year to be as kind and loving and positive to myself because no one else will. I can't do anymore of this sadness and crying. I want to improve my mental health and well being. I just want to be at peace with myself because all my life I've been battling with myself and now my body and my mind is paying for it. I want to be better. I just don't know how.

[voninsterburg]

[uptional]

[phospore]

[reitsc-deactivated20221203]

[vjeranski]

[poemswords]

[poemswords]

[tbfhprincess]

“I cry. But it’s not enough. Not enough to get rid of the squeezing in my chest, not enough to take away the heavy sadness.”

— Excerpt from a book I’ll never write

[isleptwithjackskellington]

This pain is new, it’s not like the pain from the last couple weeks. It’s the pain of realizing that things will never be the same- we will never be the same, I will never be the same.

[marnicles]

“It’s strange how love can make you feel like you can conquer the world but also make you feel worthless and broken. It’s strange how those little butterflies in your stomach can bring a smile on your face or let tears roll down your cheeks. It’s strange how the best feeling in the world can make you insane.”

— First thing I thought of upon waking up

[goodquoteco]

“To want something and to be ready for something are two different things.”

— Malanda Jean-Claude

[beauti-mous]

Okay I hope he doesn't get to read this but tumblr has always been my outlet when I want to write so just ignore this.

My mind has been swirling for two days now. I'm confused and sad and disappointed all at the same time. I need to let out my thoughts through words because saying them to my friend just doesn't do justice because I want to talk and talk and talk forever about how I feel.

He never really understood that I am an emotional and feeling person. I can't be in between with how I feel and I've learned to let it out or else I'll explode. He never really understood that honesty is important to me and his honesty was the most important thing to me. I guess that's why I feel betrayed because he wasn't fully honest with how he felt about us and our relationship. I feel like I am a very understanding person in general. Like you tell me your most darkest secret and I won't ever use it against you. So, I feel like when he just was honest about how he felt inside I would've said "okay, what would you like us/you to do?". If he wanted to leave, of course I'd be sad but if he sees no growth who am I to keep him still? I will let him go for his sake not for mine own gain. I guess he thought he'd be hurting my feelings for staying quiet about his feelings but I was more hurt with the fact he didn't say anything.

My mind is also whirling because he said he can't keep up with my expectations. I asked him what expectation. He said talking everyday. But talking to the one you love everyday is a given. And even if you don't want to message me or need me time I'm more than happy to give it to you. Communication isn't an expectation. It's and essential tool for a relationship to grow and progress. You said we weren't progressing because of the distance, but weren't you the one who said to me that we'll work through the distance and in the end it was you who couldn't take it. I think that's what's fucking me up. Seeing me is not an expectation. I said we didn't have to see each other every week but it seemed to me that seeing me seemed like a burden to you when In fact you were the one making plans. I'm confused. I thought we were okay.

I told my friend today that he was my ride or die. He was my ride or die when we were just friends. He's my best friend but he can't even stand the sight of me. I would literally do anything for him. I can't see anyone else but him in my future. And all his sweet talks and promises about us just seem so fake now and I was being so genuine. That's what's hurting me. I don't know how honest he is.

I've tried not to cry and just think in a more positive way but my mind like to linger in the negative. I want to him to grow as a person and I wish he wanted me by his side for support but I don't think he does.

I don't know what happened, but I don't want to lose my best friend. I guess we can break up, but the dynamic we have as friends has always been so special.

I miss him so much and I wish he'd just message me saying he's okay but I told him I'd give him space. I love him so much but I've come to learn that love is not enough to make someone stay.

I think he's ready to leave but too scared to hurt me. I wish he'd just rip off the band aid and go.

[beauti-mous]

“Men aren’t stupid, and you don’t need a complicated set of rules to find a good one who loves you. Here’s the only rule you need: if a man loves you, he will do anything he can to keep you around. Anything.”

— Kim Gruenenfelder, A Total Waste of Makeup  (via sexual-feelings)

[jibril-deactivated20190420]

if your girlfriends not your bestfriend what’s the point

[thelovejournals]

I know intense love always leads to mourning.

Louise Glück, “Metamorphosis” (via thelovejournals)

[thepersonalquotes]