everything i couldn't say

welcome to my once again shattered heart.

[tbfhprincess]

I will never let you back in, because I don't want a story like ours. I don't want to have to tell my friends 20 years down the line that I gave a second chance to someone who left me like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. That I chose the person who decided overnight that he didn't want me anymore. That I forgave the person who called me the love of his life but treated me like I was nothing when he chose to leave. That I gave my future to someone who once told me he couldn't see a future with me anymore and was unfazed by the thought of never seeing me again. So no, I will end our story on that day just like you wanted. There will be no sequel, no restart, no continuation 10 years later.

i deserve a much better story than that.

[tbfhprincess]

I'm a firm believer in the fact that you don't get to control who fall in love with. There will always be people you meet who stir your feelings or past loves you never truly let go of. It only makes sense if you felt so strongly towards someone and they were everything to you at one point in the past, that that might never go away. You may not get a say in how other people make you feel. However, I'm also a firm believer in the fact that you do have a say in who you choose. You have control over who you choose to give your all, who you choose to show up for, who you choose to love. There is no right person, wrong timing. The right person will make the timing right.

Excerpt from a book I'll never write

[tbfhprincess]

I know that I can move on. I know that I can be happy with someone else. But I'm so afraid that I'm making a mistake. I'm so afraid that I'll regret having moved on. I'm so afraid that one day, when you come back, I'll think, "Why couldn't I have just waited for you a bit longer?" I know it's foolish of me to wait without knowing when you'll come back, but I'm so afraid of letting you go.

i’m stuck between waiting & forgetting you, so i’m somehow doing both at the same time.

[tbfhprincess]

From the moment I met you, I thought that I wanted to marry you. It was unexplainable, how fast I saw forever in your eyes. But somehow, now I am expected to let go. I am supposed to pretend like you weren't going to be the love of my life and that you weren't everything I could possibly ask for in a person. I am supposed to pretend like you didn't make me feel the most loved I have ever felt in this lifetime, all because that love didn't last for long. All because you left me in love.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write

[tbfhprincess]

Moving on is the easy part. The hardest part is never turning back.

I know I’d always go back to you.

[tbfhprincess]

I used to miss you. Actually you—not the idea of you. Back then, I didn’t know my worth. I had such strong feelings for you that I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. I couldn’t imagine a future without you in it. I didn’t want to. But now, I see how undeserving you were of my love. I suppose now I just miss the idea of you. I miss loving someone with so much of my heart that they feel like “home.” I would never go back to you, but I would like to go back to dangerously cherishing someone so much.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write

[tbfhprincess]

I want to fall in love again. But it’s terrifying. Knowing that someone could tell you they love you and that you are their world, only to leave you shortly after saying so. Giving someone the power to hurt you, but trusting them not to do so. How could I possibly believe anyone again, after all that you put me through? I wanted to believe that I could someday look back on my memories of you and smile and be grateful for what we had. But looking back now, I really was just a fool for believing your cheap, pretty words.

my good memories of you are the worst ones.

[tbfhprincess]

It’s not even that I miss you. No, I’m well aware that we weren’t meant to be. I just miss having as much love for someone as I did for you. I just miss feeling like someone was my home, my everything. I just miss feeling like I would give anything for someone, because I loved them that much. And while you never loved me as much as I loved you, I somehow miss being loved.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write

[tbfhprincess]

I wish I had been braver. I wish I had put down my pride and told you how much you meant to me. But, I was hurt. You left me so easily. I wanted to so badly go back to how we were before, but I felt that it was one-sided. Otherwise, how could you? How could you have just pretended as if we had never met? As if we didn’t have countless memories together? How could you? On one hand, I still understand why I couldn’t chase after you all those years ago. Yet, why do I still feel this regret? Why do I still feel like I would do anything to go back and change that day?

you were my first love.

[tbfhprincess]

I miss you. It’s my biggest regret—not having been there for you. You were always there for me, but when you finally needed someone, I wasn’t there for you. You pushed me away, but I should’ve held on. I should’ve chased after you. But I was afraid. I was afraid of getting rejected again, I was afraid of getting hurt again, I was afraid you didn’t want me around the way I wanted you in my life. I would do anything to go back to that moment. I would do anything to do it all over again. I would do anything to see you again. I would do anything to know you again.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write

[tbfhprincess]

Please don’t leave. Please don’t walk into my life and easily walk out. Please don’t pretend like we don’t know everything about one another. Please don’t pretend like we didn’t make countless memories. I don’t care if you will never see me that way and we will never be together. Just please don’t leave like everyone else.

please don’t make me regret putting down my walls.

[tbfhprincess]

Every time you lean in close, I feel my heart pound so hard in my chest that I’m afraid you’ll hear it. Every time our eyes meet, I can’t help but smile. Every time you look at me softly, I have to force myself to look away. Every time our hands touch, I feel this rush of excitement. Every time you pat my head lightly, I feel my heart melt. Every time you hug me tightly, I feel my heart ache a little more. But I know you don’t feel this way. I know, but I can’t stop these feelings.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write

[tbfhprincess]

Please don’t. Please don’t look at me with those eyes. Please don’t smile at me every time we see each other again. Please don’t laugh at everything I say. Please don’t hug me so tightly. Please don’t make me think you have feelings for me.

it hurts knowing i’m the only one falling.

[tbfhprincess]

I want you to be happy, I really do. And I want to be able to say that I want to see you happy, regardless of who that is with. But I’m so selfish that I just wish that happiness was with me.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write

[tbfhprincess]

I found him. I found the one that makes me so happy that I can barely breathe. The one that I feel terribly comfortable with, yet the one that can make my heart race just by looking into my eyes. The one that I always yearn to see, even after just having spent time together. The one that doesn’t tear me down, but makes me love myself. The one that constantly fills my thoughts. The one that I am reminded of everywhere I go and find myself foolishly smiling at memories. But he’s the one that I cannot have. He’s the one that can’t see me, because he only sees her. He’s the one that makes my heart ache and I can’t seem to bring myself to let go of, even though I know he can’t see me. Even though I know he won’t see me.

because i keep hoping he will.

[tbfhprincess]

I learned my lesson with you: love someone as if they are your world, but do not make them your world. I hope that the next person I meet will certainly make me happier, but in the event that they too leave, I do not want to be left lost again. I don’t want to wake up left in love and not know who I am or what I live for. It sounds overprotective of me to worry about something that hasn’t happened yet again, but I’ve learned the consequences of making someone my everything. I wish to be happier with someone, but I also wish to be happy with just myself.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write

[tbfhprincess]

I don’t understand. I can’t understand. I will never want to understand. How you could hurt me when I put my blind trust into you? How you could betray me when you clearly knew my feelings? I suppose it’s better this way—for me to not understand, for me to simply continue hating you. This way, I don’t have to believe that you did something acceptable.

this way, you were never real.