I don’t think I’ve felt this low ever in my life. And the crazy part is with all the people I have in my life. I feel I have no one to talk to.
How could you spend all you life with someone who shares literally everything with you and treat them so bad. I feel as if I don’t exist in your world, that I’ve made no impact on who you are today, when you’ve been part of me every step of the way. To be the only man in my life, representing such a major role in who and what kind of man I allow in, you constantly show me that I have no man to lean on. I find myself in this stuck pattern trying to get any emotion from you, other than the rude , insensitive and passive ones I’ve received. I feel like a pebble, incredibly small, insignificant and really unimportant. I wanted you to be my best friend. Someone who’s known me from day one. A man I could depend on since the ones before us had the falls. I looked to you to pave the way for me, our family and future sons and nephews. I cry a lot. Behind every closed door or in every dark corner. I don’t tell anyone anything. And what would I even say. How can I even get any word out clear enough to express on how broken I feel. How incomplete and little I feel. I think all my failures in any happy relationship stems from the fact that I can’t believe any man could live me since you don’t. And I know you don’t. I hear it in the way you talk to me, how you are around me, how you are with others. Everyone but me. I don’t feel like we’re family. I don’t even feel like you know me. You don’t chose to know me, and I have to make peace with that. I have to be fine that yes, we came into this world together but it doesn’t mean we were going to be around each other forever. I think we’ve just gone down our own paths and they don’t involve either of us in our lives. And I’m scared. Because you’ll never know how much I need you, love you, and look up to you. And you probably don’t want to hear that anyways.
I’ve never felt so negative and having to learn how to detach from your own sibling. This is a heartbreak I’ll never understand, or heal from.
I just wrote this out so I could stop crying at work.
And trying to put some of my emotions on a page so I can breathe.
Deep breath’s
Time, I just need time.
