Its been exactly one year since my life really changed. It was one year ago that I almost lost the love of my life. I know what I am about to share doesn't exactly make me or Mike look all that great, but it is what it is.
When we met, we were both married. We were both trapped in loveless and painful marriages, for different reasons. We found ways to lean on one another for support while we tried to work through our own roadblocks, and through that experience the unexpected happened. We fell in love. By the time you realize something like that, its too late. You know that no matter how you tell the other person, it is going to hurt them, regardless of the situation. Neither of us was fully prepared to lay it all out there, but we had to. I certainly wasn't prepared to have to tell him to go back to his wife. My heart remembers very distinctly, that on January 5th of last year, I sent him back to the hell he was trying to escape because I thought it was what he needed. When I watched him fall apart in front of me at the realization that he was now going to have to share his son with a person he was no longer in love with, it almost killed me. I knew what he was mourning was the time he would be losing with his son, and I could never demand that he give that up for me. So I let him go. In my heart, I knew he would still be unhappy the majority of the time, but I also knew how much love he has for his son and I hoped that would ease his pain.
When he left my house that day, I lost it. I threw shit around, swiped things off the counters, screamed, cried... everything you would imagine a complete emotional breakdown to be. My kids were at the sitter, so I knew I only had a limited amount of time to allow myself to be in the agony I was in, so I needed to get it all out as fast as I could.
I remember driving down to the beach near his house, so tempted to just go there and tell him I was wrong... but I didn't. I knew that if in the future things were going to be different, he needed to make that decision on his own. So he went from the person I talked to everyday, the person I went to with all my troubles, the person who reminded me what love is supposed to feel like, to a complete stranger. We were in radio silence. There were no sweet texts through out the day. No phone calls. No visits. Nothing. He was just... gone.
At that point I figured I might as well try to stuff it all down and stay with my husband too. But I was already checked out. My heart had been running away from our marriage for a long long time, and after falling in love with Mike, making even the slightest attempt to stay was futile. After a couple weeks, I had made the decision to leave for good. I thought all my strength was in Mike, but he was gone too. I had to do this on my own. I had finally decided to take my life back later in January 2013, and I never looked back.
Just a few days after that, I heard from him again. We had spoken intermittently, as we still worked together, but it wasn't the same. All the walls I had let him break down were all back up. I knew things were happening just as I thought... he was realizing he couldn't stay with her either. It was already dead.
I remember going on a hike with him one day (and yes, just like any woman, I know the exact date of this as well, haha) after we had both moved from our homes with our exes. We had gone to Mt. Woodson (still one of our favorite places to go) and we just had a great day of climbing and talking. We didn't dare so much as even brush against each other. We were both still unsure of where things were at after the last three weeks of emotional torment. When we left there, I started feeling those same feelings for him again. I knew they had never gone away... I had just stuffed them down. It was the very next day, while doing some climbing at the gym before our shift, that he kissed me for the first time. Again. I'd like to be able to say that it was smooth sailing after that for us, but it wasn't. We did get back together, but it was rough. We were still dealing with the fallout of our recent decisions to leave our spouses and that sometimes would trickle down. We would be stressed out and push each other away from time to time. He is the type who likes to talk everything out, and I am not. I hold a lot in. So, that was when I started writing again. I got a journal and I would write down everything I wanted to say to him. Good and bad. It helped me cope, and it helped me to not lay so much on him when I knew he was going through just as much as I was. I knew that there would come a day when I would give it all to him to read, but not until I thought he was ready. That would end up being a couple months later.
I could go on and on about our journey back to each other, but I will save the rest for another day. In the end, all that matters is that one year later, I was lucky enough to wake up next to the love of my life. I was able to feel his warmth with his arms wrapped around me, feeling the rise and fall of his chest. There is no greater feeling in the world than to know you are finally truly safe, and unconditionally loved.
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