Unfiltered

Unfiltered and unapologetic

[becausemandisaidso]

I don’t need to agree with you or even understand you to be for you, to be for your discovery of your life. . . . #yourjourney #acceptance #loveforlovessake #growthroughwhatyougothrough #england2018 #hawaii2018 (at Harrogate, North Yorkshire)

[becausemandisaidso]

Doing Greece stuff... . . . #grateful #birthdaygirl #greece2017 #love #privateinroompoolsrock #greeksun (at Wyndham Loutraki Poseidon Resort)

[becausemandisaidso]

Cartwheels like an ancient Olympian ❤️ . . . #cartwheels #olympian #greece #letitallhangout #birthdaycartwheels (at Stadium at Olympia)

[becausemandisaidso]

🦄🦄Birthday vibes 🦄🦄 . . . Welcome 47!! We have so much good ahead💋💋💋🏖🗺🏝 . . #birthdaygirl #olympiagreece #greece2017 #ohtheplacesyoullgo #dreaming #love #yogaeverydamnday (at Ancient Olympia)

[becausemandisaidso]

In love.....❤️❤️❤️❤️ . . . #grateful #harrogate #sunshine #yogaeverydamnday #beauty (at Harrogate, North Yorkshire)

[becausemandisaidso]

DOWN RIGHT COOOOOLLLD.... . . . #atexaninengland #harrogate #england2017 (at Harrogate, North Yorkshire)

[becausemandisaidso]

My morning commute.... . . . #grateful #harrogate #yogaeverydamnday #baptisteyoga #movingmeditation #greenrollinghills #mhpoweryoga (at England)

[becausemandisaidso]

After Friday yoga...we tea ☕️ . . . #england2017 #mamadoreens #harrogate #yogaeverydamnday #sisters #properenglishtea (at Mama Doreen's Emporium - Yorkshire.)

[becausemandisaidso]

I may be far away but my spirit is always with you Houston. My heartbeat is your heartbeat. ❤️ . . . #houstontexas #houstonnative #getouttherehouston #houstonheights #yogaeverydamnday #houstonishome #whybaptisteyoga (at Harrogate, North Yorkshire)

[becausemandisaidso]

🎶Every Little Ting, Gonna Be Alright🎶

Big....sigh....out.... Been a difficult couple of months. Sitting in my own shit and marinating in it has been really something. Some plateau times, just maintaining and keeping busy and some down right subterranean stink holes and I find myself now kind of bobbing between shit-uations. It's these times, when I know it's temporary and I know there are more hard times to come, that I have to pull in all the practice I've done to stay in the present moment. To allow myself to enjoy right fucking now and not think about what happened, what's going to happen and where I'm going. My mind has a way of dropping little bombs to try and bring me back to old ways and I've found that when I catch myself, i come back quicker. Practice...I see it now. All the work on and off my yoga mat so when it counts...I can call on it and be right here. With my love...pure, vulnerable, all the damn feels love. I'm with Peter this week and I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about it, I don't give two shits. I haven't been this happy....well I can't remember when and I'm leaning in like a mofo...right here...right now. Without assigning anything to it other than what it is. Me and him right here, right now. Not thinking about what happened, not thinking about what's going to happen. I know that there is something in this move for me and I'm finally open just enough to receive it. This has been hard as fuck y'all. And it's worth every minute. ❤️💪🏽

[becausemandisaidso]

Phases of Seperation-the in between spaces

Phases of Seperation-the in between spaces So big things are happening. Gross movements are the easiest to see, address and talk about. The little things though...what I'm feeling is tiny cuts of deep loss. Just as one starts to heal, another one emerges and I bleed again in small drops. Not a flow of a deep stab, but an agonizing trickle. I don't know what this means or what's on the other side yet. I'm still in it and, in the words of my nephew Jace. 😭I NO LIKE IT😭 It started in November. The beginning of this when Peter left. That was painful and big and...I got though it. Dale moved out, less out of control feeling, and I felt a loss, there were gains here too, and this is when the bleeding got slower, smaller, deeper. The great clean up! I had no idea this was gonna create some shit. And...putting my hands on things and seeing them again, seeing the memories behind them created the most cuts. Some deeper than others. I remembered my relationship with Pete, I remembered my life with Joel, I remembered all of my failures as a step mom and all of my victories, I remembered family, togetherness, fights, my old way of being, my new way of being and it hurt. Writing this now and crying without control, I'm still bleeding here... still haunted and reminded where I've been and why I am who I am. I'm ready to be in another space on this. And.....here I am. Matty and Daisy...it started with one plan, that moved to another plan that evolved into something I had no hand in planning. I've never considered myself a great pet owner especially lately. I'm so engrossed in all the other shit prior to this paragraph that looking down sometimes is a forced thought. I never felt as though they were my children because I already had human children and they are demanding!! So making the initial plan was easy on my emotions. Pete would take them and they would be with someone familiar someone that was a better pet parent, who knew them and I knew. This, we discovered couldn't work so a great friend said she could take them. And again, it felt good without charge and safe for me. This, I recently discovered, also is a no go and the alternative offered is someone who i don't know. A great friend of someone else who is trustworthy, a beautiful spirit and lover of life. And someone with whom I have no connection with. Someone who will take them, love them and give them a life of happiness, joy and love. With no connection to me. And wounds are opening. As minds do, I'm seeing all the places I lack as a pet owner. All the ways letting them go is the best and most loving thing. And I bleed....again.....by choice....again. I have to make hard decisions about when to let them go, how to let them go, forever. Loss...I have to experience loss again. And I'm tired y'all. I'm fucking tired. I don't know what's on the other side of this. I hope it was worth it.

[becausemandisaidso]

Phases of separation

The decision to leave was clear and felt right and I felt a mad sense of direction on how and when to do things.

Phase one: GET DALE OUT OF THE HOUSE!

His room was a disaster, literally uninhabitable and it needed the most work so we were on the lookout for an apartment.  This process was exciting and terrifying for both of us.  Dale got to see what the true value of money was as we looked for places in the $800 range and what that got you...roaches, broken floors, brown walls that used to be white and dripping faucets. Watching him transform as I managed my control issues was so much fun.  I can truly say it was the first time I was in the middle of growth and fully aware of it.  I made conscious choices and stayed in the feel of em.  After much looking and a more realistic monthly rent...(higher) we found a place, right in the hood, blocks from me and blocks from his grandparents.  The moving was easy, he took minimal stuff (so interesting and different from his life at home where he needed EVERYTHING) and created his new life and new space. When I wanted to hang things on the wall I took a breath and reminded myself, it wasn’t mine and I slowly started to watch his own style emerge.  I saw the rebellion against structure and the way things traditionally look to Dale's own look. Things and images that made Dale smile and filled his heart and it made me smile and filled my heart too.  And then, after all that good love, I returned to his old room and lost my damn shit.  Yall, that room was a disgusting mess.  Shit in the carpet that would need molecular identification and breakdown because i couldn't tell if it was plant based, animal based, human..idk what some of that shit was but it was a mess.  Some of the highlights: at LEAST 3yr old Dr. Pepper streaks down the side of the wall (I stopped buying it 3 yrs ago); At  LEAST 15 condom wrappers (happy he is smart and safe though..); So much broken glass; probably around 30 cups and vessels of some sort, some half full, some completely full and some almost empty, none were empty; cat litter, tossed around, in clumps; mounds of dirt; I feel like you get it..I got mission oriented and started cleaning, and looking, cleaning and reading about my son through the little messages he left behind.  This took, weeks yall.  And i’ve been asked and you're probably asking, “why the hell didn’t you get him to help you! he made that mess!”  And yea, i feel that, I hear that, and I needed to do it. It was selfish on my part because I wanted to pick through the remains of his life with me.  I wanted to see old books (stuck together with syrup of course) I wanted to see old photos, little notes people wrote him.  All the birthday cards crumbled in the closet that I gave him, my parents gave him, that people who loved him gave him.  The old tshirts I bought for him stained with who knows what, the video games I purchased for him.  I remember every single purchase. Putting my hands on everything I got for him putting my love on everything. It was cathartic. And once it was clean of him, the reality of his void took my breath away. And the loneliness of this house began to echo. Everything changed. In a matter of hours, Phase 1 was complete and I was numb. I sat in that shit for a while feeling and experiencing loneliness. how it felt in my body was kinda of like a hollow easter bunny and like a deep ache.  Life just felt strange and odd. Loneliness has been a teacher. Groceries - for as long as I remember, i've purchased in bulk. family packs on all the things. Volume was the name of the game with mouths to feed. Well, I only have one mouth to feed now and the grocery store changed.  The places I always go to get bulk, I don’t need any more. So I’m now exploring smaller and more whole options. Something I would never do feeding others and now that the focus is on me.  It's changed everything, how I buy, what I buy and how often I buy.  This seems easy, AND i’ve struggled with my own mind here.  I always, even now, say to myself, ok girl, let's go get some sad lonely one person meals! HA! its funny, and I say it funny and i do feel sad about being alone.  I mean, i’m rocking it, and I still wake up alone and still go to sleep alone and I still eat most meals alone, by choice. IT sucks and is awesome all at the same time.  

Phase 2: Get the house ready and LEASE LEASE LEASE!!

This has been so fun and interesting.  Dales room was finally clean and it was time to go through the common spaces and take anything personal off the walls and out of the space.  The idea, as i've been told, is to create a blank canvas for people to image their own lives in these walls. Going through this meant going through my life in pictures and things. So many memories here, so much life and death and rebirth and death again and emergence. It made me proud, it made me sad, it made me realize how much shit I had and when it was done, the clean space in my home, my heart and my soul felt washed, shiny and new. Less is definitely more, less things, less constraint around what life MY LIFE should look like right now. The shedding of old loves, old memories, old sadness and hurt was all packaged up and taken away. I feel new. If you've been around me, you can see it. I know you can, and I can see it too. It's now ready and i'm not ready but moving forward anyway.  My brain is afraid, my soul is on fire and i'm hopeful for what's next.

In the midst of all of this. Life around me continues to happen and i'm confronted with choices. Financial ones are the main ones here. New carpet $$, my car broke $$, my ac broke $$, Wisdom teeth must be removed $$, minor repairs around the house were needed $$.  These things all suck, no two ways around it.  And I find my mind going to the same places it always goes.  This sucks, WTF, why is this happening to me right now? Can I get a break please?? And just as quickly my awareness and gratitude muscle kicks in.  I feel a beautiful being inside of me full of light smile at my brain, and say “yes girl, this does suck, and I am so grateful that I have the means to take care of this! how wonderful this happened now while you are in the states and not having to deal with this from England!” I’m a little poorer money wise, and full up with gratitude. I don’t know what's next friends. My hope is my house leases for exactly what I ask for and it's to a loving and beautiful family. I’ll let you know what happens..as I move into phase 3 - moving out .

[becausemandisaidso]

The Decision to Leave

December 2016 was the end of a trying year.  I had broken up with my long term boyfriend of 7 years in November, my youngest child turned 18 and was no longer a child and I was just turned down for a promotion at work.  I felt the weight of lonliness and rejection heavy on me and i began to feel the need to find something.  That something had just arrived on a giant plane from England.  Curly hair and sometimes in pigtails, this something was my sister.  So different from me and so similar, she is my voice of reason, the tiny light that is always lingering no matter where the darkness takes me.  And she happend to be here...It was on a trip to Cosco one day where the weight of it all just broke.  In front of my mom, my sister and my neice, I just couldnt stop crying.  As much as I talk about and belive in vulnerability, I had never been vulnerable with these people before and it was humiliating to my ego and such a huge release for my soul.  It was this break that gave me the ability to see what was next, what the universe had opened up was an opportunity.  A path way to an even different life and it was up to me to decide to take it.  It was then that I started to think about moving to England for a year. I spent the next few weeks taking inventory.  Asking myself questions like: What are you doing right now in your life that requires you to be here? What are you up to? the answer consistently was...well, nothing realy...Once I got comfortable with the possibility, i started asking deeper questions like. Ok, why go? Once the business of the States felt solid, I was open to realy ask these questions and answer honestly about what could be avilable to me in England. The biggest answer was family. More specificaly, my sister, her husband and my neices.  I know them...somewhat, but what an amazing way to share who I am with them and experience who they are and how they live.  As I started to dig here, I began to excavate so many possibilites. Am I ready to go?? Hewl no!  Am I crazy excited? Sometimes..The main thing i’m feeling right now, is alive. And to live, for me right now is to be with the people I love the most.  I’m hoping to document as much of this process as I can over the next year and to share my experiences and how I’m feeling with no filter.  

[becausemandisaidso]

Hold Your Babies

I remember talking about this day as if it were a million years away. The day that my youngest boy would move out and be on his own. It was always far away, always a joke that we would live together forever. And today, he moved into his own place. And I did it, I pushed it. I never thought this would be the path. I'm so happy and proud of him and I know after a whole lot of anxiety and nervous energy, he is happy and excited too. And this now begs the question, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO? Did I just end something special that I can't get back for a midlife crisis? Would it have been a better to just stay here and be for my son until he was truly ready to go? Am I selfish, foolish, too old to be selling everything and moving to another country? Who DOES this?!?! The gears are in motion and I'm afraid. I'm afraid I've put us in a position where failure could break Dales new beginning and outlook on life forever. This could bankrupt me and put me in financial hurt. Unable to help myself or my boys. I have more questions than answers. More fear than excitement and yet, I am holding on to the beauty of it too. I'm willing myself to smile and soak in the fun we are sharing as we slowly move him in. I'm desperate to remember all the little things I've had the pleasure to learn about him as we pick over what's left of our loves and lives together. What he's taking, what has meaning, what's worth storing...its like peeling back your skin, and then being in the ache of it as it heals. Shedding and growing. Aches and deep pain. Hold your babies y'all. It's here before you know it. 😭😭😭

[becausemandisaidso]

Thanks 2016 :/

Well, 2016 you are on your last leg, and I have a lot to thank you for. You were tough and a down right ass hole. And as much as I want to say be nice or leave, or ass holes suck, this year, I learned to appreciate you. You taught me (and apparently still are #georgemichael) about loss. -I lost one of the most fulfilling jobs I've ever had....so far ;). I lost friendships, relationships and stability during this time and i also found myself losing my damn mind. Everything I knew to be true just wasn't anymore and this was only the beginning. The beginning of learning about releasing what I thought was control. It was a mother fucker and I started to understand that I believed in something more than myself. This un-numbing started a curiosity in me. I didn't realize it, but a light was stoked inside of me. A new discovery that only this type of loss can ignite. One that requires a bruised and bleeding ego. To break down to build up. Thank you 2016.. -my son lost his faith. Oh man, this was the most confusing time. The one where control thought it was un-fuckwithable. I'd grown up thinking school was IT graduation from HS was a requirement and a given. All families and children look like this and it is just wrote. It just is whats so or something is wrong. This is right, true and done. The universe said...Nope....you don't get this stability either...my son got sick and in addition to this educational break our faith in western Medicine was slowly torched and melted in front of us too. Everything id known to be true about life, about who to rely on when you need help, was gone. And my son lost faith in education, he lost faith in doctors, and he understood, maybe for the first time, that mom, me, I couldn't fix everything. I didn't know the answers and my remedies don't help. This was a lesson in truth. In moving from a mom who held things back as a form of protection. To a human relaying the truth to another human about uncertainty, sadness, uncomfortable feelings and how to maintain mental health during it. I taught myself it was ok to cry and scream but I had to do what it takes to GET THROUGH. I learned in front of him and right there with him, we grew into stronger versions of ourselves. Thank you 2016 -we lost legacy musicians. This is the soundtrack to this year...Prince...my Prince. His inspiration was and still is limitless. His genius and ability to carry me through his music is so special and I find myself moving and telling myself...you affect people like this too. Not on this scale but just like him, when you show up and speak your truth, you affect change. Losing him is when I slowly stopped holding back. I didn't realize it at the time, but it's when I started to let the lies I was telling myself go. Bowie..this one snuck up on me. I was sad but it wasn't until I started looking for it did I see the influence his weird really had on me. Bowie gave me the freedom to be weird. He taught me that weird can be and IS beautiful. He taught me on a deeper level to throw out the norms that didn't fit me. He taught me that weird still deserves and can achieve love and can be loved. And honestly, it helped me be ok with my sons education path. It helped me see that eduction is more than math, science and reading. Education is also life and living. It's about tailoring a life that works for YOU...that works for ME. Thank you 2016. -I lost my love :( this had to happen right when it did. It was quick and unreal and gone. This has been the greatest teacher of this year. This has taught me that I've never been alone before for any amount of time and....I need it. It taught me that I have no idea what I like. And there is great freedom and joy in finding out. It taught me that I've been afraid to direct my own life. I've always looked to others to validate my thoughts, my decisions and my life plans. It's weird and frightening in the most wonderful way to learn to trust yourself, decide and do. I also learned that my love can hurt. I learned that without boundaries, my love is suffocating and stops progress. It's enabling. And I know now that love has to be hard in places to grow. That it requires the soft squishy part just as much as it requires the hard cutting parts. I also learned that my love is healing. That my attention and friendship are special and that I don't need to be next to you for my love to reach you. I learned that ultimately loving myself is truly the best way to show up and have love for others. And I am learning that the relationship I need right now, is with myself. Thank You 2016 -change is constant. This year has just been beautifully fucked. Donald Trump was elected president. Politics will change..legacy musicians have been silenced forever. Music and art is makes space for something new. Ch ch ch ch changes...my son is learning about natural things to heal his body, no fast food no sodas no candy no bullshit change...my best friend Peter and I are learning to love our lives apart, love ourselves and love each other with space and non constraint. Beautiful, painful, exhilarating, frightening and life altering change. 2016, you brought that shit hard and in my face. You grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. I'm grateful for this time. I'm grateful for this life and I'm just grateful. 2016, you're a fucking ass hole. Now get the fuck outta heah you fucking fuck 😊

[becausemandisaidso]

Say my name....

I was born Amanda Roberta Benavides. I married and became Amanda Roberta Doughty. I divorced and remarried and became Amanda Doughty Sykes. I came home and began being introduced in my new life as Mandi and am now Mandi Sykes.

Growing up middle class in Houston, I grew up surrounded by predominantly white and black kids. Very few Hispanics (at least I don’t remember many). As a result, I hated my name. All of my friends were white and their names didn’t have a rolling R and need to be said all Spanish. I got lucky with Amanda, it was my moms insistence and I thank her for that! I had zero interest in being Mexican. All of my idols were white. Madonna, Stevie Nicks, Pat Benatar, Christie Brinkley, Heather Locklear…not one Benavides…begin identity crisis! Once I got married I was finally free! Being rid of my maiden name was awesome. I could now identify with being white because on paper, no one suspected I wasn’t. It evolved so beautifully and my white identity became who I told myself I was. Ahhhh, good and clean ol white Amanda Doughty. When that ended, I found another pier (white guy) and took his name but his time, I realized I could slice off my new least favorite part of me, Roberta. Having two boys, I wanted to continue to keep the same name and honor my new husband so I became Amanda Doughty Sykes. With whiteness still intact. I felt great. And then, my new husband fell in love with my family. My big Mexican outta control, tons of people family. He began to be interested in my culture and expressed an interest to learn more. His interest astounded me and got me curious. Selina had just broken out in a huge way and my family loved her and most Tejano music. It played frequently when family was over and Joel just loved everything about it. And I started too as well. It was the moment when I started coming back, actually, I was never there to begin with, maybe it was when I stated to live…I can’t thank him enough for this. So, it’s been a few years since I started rolling my Rs and embracing who I am and I gotta say, I love it. There is a sliver of me who regrets all the time I missed being Mexican before it was mainstream. Before people knew what a Quincineta was. Before everyone knew the true beauty behind Dia De Los Muertos, Tamales for the holidays and novelas. And it doesn’t matter, I love me.

I’m at a crossroads again. My husband passed a few years shy of 10 and I still carry his name. I’m feeling….untrue to myself. Like I’m carrying old baggage and want to come clean. I’ve never been alone before and for the first time in 46 years, I’m alone. I’m discovering me again, and I think it’s time to do it as the real me. The one that feels good. The one I was always born to be.

HI, IM MANDI BENAVIDES

[becausemandisaidso]

Pete and I decided to Break Up

Whew, it's the first time I said it out loud or put it formally in writing. I've skirted around it here and there, hinting at it, and it feels like more of a reality to put it out there. Last Monday morning, we woke up like we have been lately, disconnected and feeling off, and in a less than 5 min interaction, we both knew that this was it. Our life together as we knew it was over. No apologies, no take backs, our lives had changed and we couldn't look back. That day had me in a daze. Nothing felt real, my mind was gone, and within an hour, so was Pete. I stayed in a dazed state for some time that week. Crying spontaneously and grieving. Grieving for the loss of my best friend. Grieving for the fact that I've always known this was our path. And grieving for the hard road I knew Pete had to take without me. My heart is broken, and I know with all of the cells in me that it is the way it has to be. People have come out of the clouds lately to tell me all of the things they really never liked about Pete. All of his ways of being that rubbed them the wrong way. To that I say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that tolerance was not an option for you. I'm sorry you missed out on taking the opportunity to work on a trigger. His differences for me were hard and caused so many arguments and in the end, I learned so much about myself. That push, that difference of opinion allowed me to search myself and discover compassion for something that I don't understand. to allow someone to be different from me and not be wrong, to just be. The election brought this hate, negativity and upsetness out in force. I was un-frended, judged and had my integrity called into question a lot during this time. Not because of anything I did, but because of people's intolerance of Petes way of communication. If you look past the thorns of his choice of words, you will see the depth of knowledge, love and goodness he is trying to project. I'll admit it's not easy, but for me, it was so worth it to keep my ego and my need to be right in check. I am so sad not everyone saw what I saw. And I get that everyone was not as invested as I was. He's a good person Being who we have been for each other, instead of hating each other as exes we've decided to take a different route. Before his leaving the state, we met to talk and clear the air of our feelings. It was the BEST day and for the first time in a long time, I felt hope and direction. We held nothing back, said all of the things we were afraid to say. Talked through when we both started to feel this end and the funny thing is, we've both known this for a while. We became so alike which is weird for two completely different people. It was comforting for me to know that I wasn't crazy and he felt it too. And that he was just as afraid as I was if it. We went back and forth, I'd breakdown and he'd be there for me and let me cry it out and he'd break down and I'd be strong for him so he could cry it out. And the universe just stepped up to meet us in this way every time. Giving us the space to lean into the sorrow with gentleness, compassion and love. You just don't stop being best friends. We are both hurt and we both have work to do without each other. This feels good, right and painful. Just like most times when I grow, it comes with a price and some pain. I Know this, we love each other very much. Our time together helped mold who I am and who I'm about to be. And this end is making way for new beginnings. I'm not sure if our paths will cross again. But I know as we evolve we will take a piece of each other with us.