La Vie En Rose

[beccalt]

Sigh

I don’t even know anymore

It’s not happy

It’s not sad

It’s not terrible

It’s not bad

It’s a field full of your favorite flowers

The sun shinning down on its perfect edging hour

It’s the fleeting feeling that you could run for days

Smile smile smile smiling the entire way

You see no ending to the bliss

It’s your happiest place if it ever did exist

And then at some leisurely point

You notice it

The sun leaves

The shadows change

The dance finally ends

I’m not sad

I’m not mad

I’m wandering

Curious

Where does one go

When the field needs to sleep

When the sun leaves,

And then the darkness rolls in

It’s forces me,

To be with me again.

How do I hide

These strange empty feelings inside

When I rather be

Running free

Eyes closed

Feeling nothing

Putting no sense

To the reasons I’m there

Feeling the sun, the earth, the air

Smelling the aromas of a sun kissed day

Not burdening myself with how it will all go away

But as the night comes routine

I also go back to just being with me

And the feeling of nothing

Jesters enormously

When I have nothing else

To keep me busy

However

In my field

I can feel

nothing

Much more

Pleasantly

Smiling

Frolicking

And

Dodging me

Prancing in emptiness

a much more desirable sense

than merely lying in it

[beccalt]

There are days I forget who I am I forget my purpose, and where I stand There are days I wish I didn't exist Days I wonder, if I really went through all of this I picture all the smiles I've met along my way I feel the warmth and connections I've embraced through my days Yet when I sit all alone I almost am unsure if I've ever really known These people or these faces These smiles that I miss This comfort in things, that seem to no longer exists Some days are easy Those are on the days I don't think I keep my thoughts restricted, to only what is in front of me. I do not allow my mind to deepen Into the expansion of the sea With invitations of me sinking While the horizon wanders closer to me I stay afloat A day at a time By oppressing my desires And feeding my lies But floating on waters that are shallow and meek Don't offer the sense of living as sailing the deep sea I miss feeling the waves beneath Pushing me up and down as I dangled my feet Coming to a peaceful glide, with the sun on my skin And Breathing the mysteries of the water in. Sitting in wonder over all of the things that could be Astonished by everything around me I think the biggest disaster of all Is watching myself pretend to live While putting off anything I'm truly passionate in Telling myself I'm happy When I'm barely content Letting myself live When I know I'm not living It's easy to tuck my desires tight into my sheets Wake up in the morning, and smile for all the wrong things It's easy to know what you really need But those things seems impossible when you feel like you have nothing So you tell yourself, "I'm grateful for all I have" Which is not a lie at all it's the only thing you know to be true But it still doesn't solve that you aren't being you I don't like these nights where I feel the boredom dancing around my outer skin, waiting to come sink in. I can feel the discontentment pushing past my opposition, all too eager and uninvitingly creeping. It's reminding me of all the other emotions I have left by the trash. Trading them for stagnation, and the acceptance of less It's hard to see myself chose to be Less than hap-py Choosing a lesser version of me It's hard to hear myself reason with me That I'm doing this for my fam-ily And reassuring my wit That it's what I need Trying to fool myself So I can come to agree It's hard to see myself U n h a p p y Because I'm only trying to do what is expected of me I've never wished for a magic star with so much begging behind it hoping my heels are clicking just right Maybe if I just close my eyes, I know what it is I know I'm not happy with things like this It's upsetting to know I'm wasting my life My potential, my desires, my love and my fight I did not accept defeat But it's hard to watch me watch it all from the backseat But no one wants to hear, how you miss them every day No one wants to hear, how you really feel in your head. Instead you should be happy with <insert generic advice here> And the more I am showed that my feelings should not exist The more I forget who I really am in this To be told, who to do be What is allowed of me And I am only allowed to express the emotion of happy It is not advice that feeds to me I instead traveled so far from anything I use to be Out in space The infinite abyss Pieces of me I really miss

[beccalt]

#NowPlaying Their Satanic Majesties' Second Request by The Brian Jonestown Massacre #checkem

[beccalt]

I've got to catch up

[beccalt]

[gosh]

[timotaychalamet]

Psychout for Murder (1969) dir. Rossano Brazzi

[beccalt]

that is the thing about selfish people. they gamble entire beings. entire souls ... ...but the moment they sense fear. they are already halfway out the door. without having the nerve to let you go with grace. as if the human heart means that little to them. and after all this. after all of the taking. the nerve. isn't it sad and funny how people have more guts these days to undress you with their fingers than they do pick up the phone and call. apologize. for the loss. and this is how you lose her. - selfish Rupi Kaur

[nylonmag]

“When you truly love and respect who you are, you’re more likely to take creative risks, to ask for a raise or a promotion, to leave that subpar relationship,” she explains. “We can’t do those things without a healthy sense of appreciation for who we are. Instead, we stay trapped because it’s all we think we ‘deserve.’ Deserving is a ridiculous concept. It is your birthright to be blissful and free,” Darling emphasizes. 

what’s radical self-love, and why should you care?

[beccalt]

C'est la vie C'est la vie C'est la vie C'est la vie C'est la vie C'est la vie C'est la vie C'est la vie C'est la vie C'est la vie C'est la vie C'est la vie

Hey this is life

For all the clothing brands, beer bottles, bar friends, and money that appears and vanishes just as fast as the sun that comes up,

After you were out all night and every decision meant nothing but time wasted at a job That you don’t like for money you want to have to spend on nothing meaningful…..

Can all those experiences write a check To the loved ones you’ve wrong And say sorry For all the time You spent Trying to live

Live the life that society expects you to be happy with Because it is normal to work over 40 hours a week And see your loved ones only in your spare time And try to be as happy as can be with the small minutes you have with the people who truly run your life but not the people who run your check

that without that money, you couldn’t support this support in front of you.

But without that support, who would you even be

So who is the real life

Your job

Or your loves

The exhaustion from trying to juggle both can’t even push my numb limbs onto the path of the right answer

-B.T

[words-of-emotion]

Two things define you: Your patience when you have nothing, and your attitude when you have everything.

(via words-of-emotion)

  (via words-of-emotion)

[beccalt]

[connotativewords]

You ruin your life by desensitizing yourself. We are all afraid to say too much, to feel too deeply, to let people know what they mean to us. Caring is not synonymous with crazy. Expressing to someone how special they are to you will make you vulnerable. There is no denying that. However, that is nothing to be ashamed of. There is something breathtakingly beautiful in the moments of smaller magic that occur when you strip down and are honest with those who are important to you. Let that girl know that she inspires you. Tell your mother you love her in front of your friends. Express, express, express. Open yourself up, do not harden yourself to the world, and be bold in who, and how you love. There is courage in that.

Bianca Sparacino How To Ruin Your Life (Without Even Noticing That You Are)

[relaxadult]

[lxst-nxght]

[beccalt]

California 2015

[beccalt]

California  2015