Becs and Bare

Just another blog full of angst, depression, anxiety, and the occasional positive thought.

[becsandbare]

Literally years later...

It’s December 14th, 2020, a solar eclipse on the new moon, the world is in flames, and my glasses’ nose-pads broke today. 

[becsandbare]

Well this blows...

Ravaging my mind for some explanation why,

You up and left, barely said good bye.

Inside, it feels like my fault,

Even though i know its not.

Yet that doesn't help the pain of absence,

Of your nearly constant presence.

It meant less to you then me,

Or it was equal but you're scared, maybe.

Sometimes i wish i didnt feel that vibe,

Or that time you stared, letting me drive.

Please can i just forget the little details,

Or those family and friend tall tales.

I knew i was starting to feel too much,

When you took the sandwich for lunch.

The following day you called it off,

And i recalled your hands and lips, so soft.

I do not easily date,

Choices or fate.

I just wished it went another way,

Dignity lost, but maybe in some future day.

I didnt expext to feel what i did,

And after the pain, and anxiety, i hid.

Capricorn and taurus, earth signs to match,

I knew you could help cover the patch.

Almost every day, i see you,

And wonder what was lust, what was true.

Im hurt but i guess im learning,

Try to focus on issues more concerning.

Just want to be loved for who i am,

Saying words without a damn.

"I need to work on myself",

I read with utter doubt.

Issues with commitment,

Were met with genuine care, i sent.

Alone again, always the result,

Alone with sadness and self-doubt.

[becsandbare]

Update;

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand theyre gone

[becsandbare]

Update;

I may have fooled someone into liking me. I am most definitely, probably annoying them by now, so the cute conversations will end soon im sure...

[becsandbare]

I mean, someone is going to have to like me at some point, right?

[becsandbare]

Im so ugly lol

[becsandbare]

Pity Party

Honestly one of the saddest feelings is when you think a person only talks to you out of pity or obligation to not be rude. Sucks more when you're even kinda into them.

[becsandbare]

Thanks, Mental Illness :)

Recently my anxiety has gotten so bad that just looking at a uncomfortable situation, through a Snapchat video, triggered a mini panic attack; the shakes, stomach churning, gag reflex, and tears. Thanks for ruining my day, mental illness :)

[becsandbare]

Blessing in Disguise

A common symptom of depression is lack of interest, motivation, and energy. Sometimes these things suck because they inhibit you from doing anything productive but they also prevent you from doing stupid things. Like just this past moment i had a burning urge to dress in long, mormon-like dresses for the remainder of the summer - to look like a friendly witch. And i really gotta hand it to depression here, if it wasn't for my lack of drive to barely even get out of bed today, i would have actually gone to Goodwill or Value Village to purchase said attire.

[becsandbare]

You are my night Sage, my only night Sage. You make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear, how much i love you, So please don’t take my night Sage away. 💕

[becsandbare]

My favourite time of night is night.

[becsandbare]

Why would you give life to a creature that constantly wants to die?

[becsandbare]

My thoughts are so loud im surpirsed no one else can hear them

[becsandbare]

I miss you, Pal. So much. More than you will ever know. Nothing is ever okay when youre not here and ever since you left i was never the same. I wish you could feel how much i love you but i also wish you could understand how much your actions ravaged my mind, body, and spirit. I just want to be Pal and Pal again, in that bright yellow kitchen, with the stove that needed a bungee cord to close, making tacos, and listening CCR on the stereo.

[becsandbare]

Don't go chasing waterfalls, kids. But also don't just stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.

[becsandbare]

Currently the only way i can fall asleep is with the hit of a spliff or blunt, so officially - goodnight to the first night of this blog. I hope i remember to update it regularly. Lol

[becsandbare]

My true thoughts on reality and fiction

So we had to write an essay assessing the difference (and if it even existed) between fiction and reality in the context of Hamlet’s speech in 2.2, by Shakespeare. Its already past due and this is where I’m at;

The difference between fiction and reality is that they both suck. Reality is just a constant state of being shitty, therefore it gradually becomes so intense that you become numb to all the bullshit, yet it still fucking hurts. Fiction, as I may argue is even fucking worse. It provides a temporary sanctuary from the catastrophic chaos of life but immediately after the spell of representation is over, you are immediately sucked back into the world of pain and torture. While one is a constant pain, the other acts in throbs of torture. Fiction is the epitome of procrastination leading to destruction, while reality is the epitome of relentless agony.

note: I don’t Shakespeare, nor Hamlet- actually I think both dudes are great. I’m just too deep in one of my depressive episodes to think of this question any differently.