This is a pretty sad rant so warnings to those who prefer not to read or aren’t in the best space. If you aren’t and don’t want to read, know you are loved and are special even at times it doesn’t feel like it. I love you stranger.
I fell in love with two men and both of them have torn my life apart. Neither chose me to be the girl after being so close and sweet to me. They used me as a slut and I let them because my past traumas cannot make their manipulation noticeable. They give me pain and never cared for me, only for the body under my clothes. But that little care, the smallest care, was the biggest care and acceptance I have ever felt. I ignored every red flag, ignored what advice I’d receive from others. The advice to run and save myself.
I had cried to one all the time, thinking he cared for my tears. He’d wipe them away, his erection grew. He took me to the bed and I’d let him because I told myself “this man is making love to me.” He was taking my innocence and my light.
I had been clean of self harming for 3 years. What they have made me felt has broken that chain. I have thought so many terrible things, planned so many things, always out of something they did to make me feel so worthless and unloved.
But I clinged to them. Even in moments when I knew I had to let them go because they were making me feel the way I do, but they’d apologize or come over and fuck me, and I’d tell myself that I am cared for.
The things they’d tell me, well, the things the one would tell me. And the things the other one wouldn’t tell me. He won’t look at me or even say a hello sometimes, the other would say things to me that made me feel so upset with myself.
They were so special to me, such good friends. I’d think of them every day, give them gifts, tell them complements, and give them what they wanted. And all along never did they care about me. Or if they ever did they have crushed it like paper and tossed it to some place they don’t remember.
Now so many other kind, beautiful men are so sweet to me, ask me out on dates, and I had declined all of them. Because I thought at least one of the two cared and loved me or would eventually, or I’d decline because I felt so ashamed of myself, so depressed.
It is my birthday tomorrow, I turn 21. I was so excited for my birthday. But it has been the worst weekend of my life. My family came to celebrate me and I hid in my room until I got asked to come out, cried on the bathroom floor until I got found. Never did I get caught crying. “My stomach hurts” is what I’d say.
I am grateful and love my family, but sometimes I don’t feel as appreciated as other family members. I know I am loved, but am I appreciated. To men I am “so good” to them but then judged for being so slutty. I was just feeling confident with how I looked, and giving them the dirty things we both wanted. To my family, I am the girl with no big goals, all because my goals are kept secret because I fear they will be unrealistic to them or will not make them proud.
Truly, I am terrified. 21 years old tomorrow, I fear once I blow out the candle on my cake, it will be the last one I ever blow out.
I love you, so much. Big or small traumas and emotions, your feelings matter and you matter. You will be okay. I promise <3
