Beefy Squarms @beefysquarms-blog - Tumblr Blog

When You Think You Want To Die

Killing yourself is actually quite a binary affair. It is quite impossible to kill yourself and not die. I believe that it is difficult; there are many ways that you could try to kill yourself, and with them come many ways you could just avoid death – which is potentially worse than succeeding in some ways; and then on the other hand it is quite easy, just extremely permanent. When your…

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#Creative Writing #crippling anxiety #Depression #Diary #Mental Health #motivation #My Story #Poetry #recovery motivation #Safe space #suicidal thoughts #suicide #supportive community

Omissions

'The thoughts I omit from my diary amuse me...'

The thoughts I omit from my diary amuse me. I have never written some things in words like how sometimes, I’m stopped in my tracks by the dull, pulsating fear that one day, gravity will let everything go. I think about it when I look into the sky for too long. We are hurtling through space and yet everything seems so still. My missed-pill panic did not make it to paper either. I didn’t write…

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brudenellgrooveleeds-blog

Brudenell Groove meets... Support After Rape and Sexual Violence in Leeds (SARSVL)

Approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men are raped in England and Wales alone every year; that’s roughly 11 rapes (of adults alone) every hour. 1 in 5 women aged 16 - 59 has experienced some form of sexual violence since the age of 16. Despite statistics like these, our Conservative government continues to cut funding for the domestic and sexual violence sectors. On the 8th of March – note, International Women’s Day – the Spring budget was revealed, announcing an additional £20m for domestic violence services in addition to the £12m generated from the tax on sanitary products (the irony of women paying for their own protective services via a tax on products which many deem a basic necessity for their mental and physical health does, surely, not need explaining). In light of the 31% decrease in funding to women’s services since 2010, this £20m is a drop in the water – prominent direct action organisation Sister’s Uncut are calling it ‘humiliating’, reminding us of the 34 refuges that have closed in the last 7 years and proposing that the remaining domestic violence support services would be ‘forced to fight among eachother for this temporary pot of cash’. Sexual violence services, on the other hand, received nothing. It costs £70m annually to run Rape Crisis England and Wales, which currently has a £10m budget shortfall, yet will not see any of this additional money. Vital services are being forced to close, and those that remain open are being pushed to the limit, because of a shortsighted government which does not prioritise feminist issues. When I met up with Cesca Taylor, helpline volunteer at Support After Rape and Sexual Violence in Leeds (SARSVL), one of the charities we’re supporting with our next party, I ask her if its difficult to separate politics from her work with the charity. ‘I think its really political, for me. I see it as a form of political activism. Hearing people’s personal stories makes you really angry and makes you want to do more. I started SARSVL and then decided to do gender studies as my masters, which is telling. We need to be doing more – whether that’s directly supporting people or standing up to misogyny.’ SARSVL is Leeds’ Rape Crisis centre, and Cesca explains that it is split into three strands; the helpline, which provides emotional listening support; the counselling service, which provides more therapeutic support; and the advocacy service, which is run by Independent Sexual Violence Advisor Services, who provide practical support to survivors who have reported to the police or are considering reporting to the police. Cesca has been working on the helpline for over a year, a service which is run entirely by volunteers. It’s a women-only service, which means it is run by women and supports any self-identifying woman, inclusive of trans and LGBTQ+. ‘We get asked loads of questions about why we provide a women-only service, and of course we are aware that men experience sexual violence, but the survivors that we support ask for women-only safe spaces because that’s where they feel safe, and that’s what’s important.’ Providing this service as a volunteer is not to be taken lightly. New recruits undertake 12 weeks of ‘really intensive training’ in order to provide the non-judgmental emotional listening support, which is provided over the phone, via text, email and face to face (translators and interpreters are available, including sign language). ‘The helpline is quite heavy, emotionally, so I think you do really need to be a specific kind of person to get involved with that side of volunteering. It’s a big commitment to do it every week, so you really have to have the time to do it – both the shift and then doing your self-care properly.’ Vicarious trauma is taken seriously at the charity, and volunteers debrief after every shift and particularly difficult calls, whilst maintaining complete confidentiality. ‘It’s important to maintain awareness of how the job can affect you, and look after yourself’, and for this they have recently recruited a specialist to spend a day working with the volunteers on self-care mechanisms.

So what can we do to support SARSVL and their work, besides making a donation? As a collective and at our nights, the best thing Brudenell Groove can do is ‘awareness raising. It needs to be made clear that sexual violence or assault will not be tolerated. Creating safe spaces is so important.’ It’s no secret that misogyny is rife in dance music culture, with under-representations of women both behind the decks and on the dancefloor. One of the consequences of clubs existing as generally male-dominated spaces is the disturbing regularity of sexual assaults that occur in them, to the point where certain acts are deemed so commonplace that they are de-valued as forms of assault, and brushed off as merely an ingrained part of the female clubbing experience. When discussing the issue with female friends, we all admitted to instances of being touched inappropriately or spoken to in a way that has made us feel uncomfortable, yet not mentioning it to anyone at the time because we’ve become so used to experiencing that kind of behaviour in a clubbing environment. This response needs to be unlearnt. It’s precisely these so-called lesser instances that we need to start consistently calling out, as keeping quiet in order not to make a fuss or ruin the fun not only detracts blame from the perpetrators and supports the ludicrous narrative that women should anticipate some level of sexual assault every time they go out to dance, but (in the absence of punishment for the attacker) positively reinforces the act and plants the seed for more serious forms of sexual violence outside of the club. At our parties, Brudenell Groove are trying to encourage people to speak out about abusive behaviour by having designated and clearly-labelled members of the team to talk to if you are feeling threatened and don’t feel comfortable raising it with the bouncers or the staff. In addition, we have begun including a message detailing our zero-tolerance policy towards all forms of bigoted behaviour and assault on our event listings, and have been working with Wire and HiFi, encouraging them to put up signs in the club with a similar message, and commit to a safer spaces policy. Cesca is positive about such measures whilst remaining frank, making clear that ‘ultimately, the way to stop rape and assault is for the perpetrators to stop raping and assaulting. Rape is about power, and is not the victim’s fault.’ ‘Challenging victim blaming is one of the main things we do. During the training to be a helpline volunteer, you are not only provided with the tools to provide the emotional listening support, you engage in full days of myth-busting.’ We agree that the media play a deadly role in perpetuating myths about sexual violence, regularly engaging in victim blaming. ‘During the training you look at a lot of portrayals of victims in the media and find more often than not that the media corroborate with the perpetrators.’ We discuss the notorious Ched Evans case, and how his retrial and the subsequent media coverage (where lawyers were permitted to use statements from the victim’s ex-partners about her sexual preferences as evidence to support the defendant, and demonstrate that she had not been raped) seemed like a step backwards in terms of encouraging victims to report and reassuring them they’ll be believed. ‘No wonder people don’t want to report. Cases like that suggest that if you do you will be picked apart by lawyers and then the media and then you’re back to square one – then you have to pick yourself up from that in addition to trying to heal. Its awful.’ While the overall situation could be interpreted as bleak, it’s important to remain grounded in practical change. Overall Cesca argues that the most important measure towards decreasing instances of sexual assault will be to implement ‘more comprehensive sex education and consent lessons’ in schools, and welcomes the announcement from Education Secretary Justine Greening earlier in March that Relationships & Sex Education is finally to be made compulsory in all schools. Challenging the attitudes that contribute to people committing sexual violence, such as toxic notions of masculinity and misinterpretations of consent, is vital - and encouraging young people to discuss these issues is the right place to start. It’s important, too, to celebrate and support organisations like SARSVL who are having direct, positive effects on women’s lives. Cesca reels off a list of local charities working alongside SARSVL, which I have included as an appendix – a reminder that there is a network of people working hard and, ultimately, making constructive change. While the success of SARSVL’s services is a difficult thing to measure, Cesca notes that in the comments books at the centre, service users often comment that they ‘feel better’ after a call. ‘Some survivors have spent a lifetime not being believed, which can make you feel worthless. To let someone know that they are believed and they are being listened to is very valuable.’ Cesca is optimistic about the future of SARSVL, and explains how they are developing and improving the charity to meet the needs of the service-users. The counselling service, which is relatively new, has had a large response, and they are planning to recruit new counsellors to help manage the quantity of people who are interested in using it. In addition, SARSVL hope to expand the helpline by opening more lines, with the long term goal of running a 24-hour service. Discussing the potential ramifications of funding cuts, Cesca explains that due to the helpline being entirely volunteer run, even if SARSVL lost all of it’s funding, the helpline, at least, would still run, and that ‘we pride ourselves on this.’ With such an extensive service and commitment to the survivors they support, Cesca and SARSVL have every right to be proud.

List of Women’s services in Leeds:

The SARC is a place that survivors can self-refer without reporting. It provides services to victims of rape or sexual assault regardless of whether the victim chooses to report the offence to the police or not.

Leeds’ Women’s Aid is a charity which provides support to women and children who have been affected by domestic violence.

Getaway Girls is a charity supporting vulnerable women aged 11-25 to empower and develop skills.

Karma Nirvana provides training to help prevent forced marriages and honour based abuse within the UK and beyond.

Basis Sex Work Project offers information, safety and support for female and transgender women working in the sex industry, living or working in Leeds.

Disabled Survivors Unite focuses on creating change for disabled survivors of abuse and sexual violence.

Rethink Mental Illness is a charity working to create a better life for those affected by mental illness. Interview by Charlotte Bickley

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