Bee Love

Feminism. Literature. Random Musings.

[beejo]

A Brand New Kinda Me

- More moving

- Less spending

- Eating Cleaner

- More adventure

- Less Things

[mostimportantproject]

Don’t Let It Get To You. 

Follow @thenocertainty for daily motivation! 

[m4cravings]

Leadership attitude

[beejo]

Small but Mighty

Some days I feel like I have a magic wand. I can flick it and say, “let’s make this simple task, 100x more complicated than it needs to be.”

My current organization is about 30 people on a good day (thank you turnover). The places I worked in prior to this were more like 3-4 on a good day. 30 is still quite small, but the jump from 3 co-workers including your boss to 12 people on your team alone, feels pretty heavy.

In “Small but Mighty” teams everyone does a bit of everything. With that comes the advantage of knowing everything that is seemingly going on. Of course there were personnel issues I wasn’t privy to, but even then, I usually was. I learned a lot from my role in small teams, because I got to watch those above me figuring out problems, help them talk through them, and really be a part of the process. This allowed me to see the inner workings of boards, understand the budgeting process, be a part of investor conversations, and more. With that though, comes a lot of responsibility that I wasn’t always ready for. It also meant for me, burn out at certain points.

Now I am somewhere caught in the middle. My organization is a non-profit, which means we are doing big things… but on small budgets. We are all stretched as far as our duties. That being said, these are duties specifically outlined within our job descriptions for the most part. So our caseload may be bigger than it should be, but we aren’t usually working cross department.

You know what that means for me though? I want to know it all, I am willing to jump into anything, and often find myself jumping into things because I want to help figure it out. Therefore… complicating it! I also think because of my willingness to jump into things and the fact that I sometimes lead myself down rabbit holes… others come to me for information. When that happens I end up joining them further down the rabbit hole, instead of passing it along.

I enjoy problem solving, and I am used to being a part of the solution in my previous roles. In moving into a larger organization where roles are more defined, I would suggest honoring each individual and their role. Allow yourself to be a part of the solution, but only if invited. Sometimes the solution is to step away and let others lead in there own right.

[beejo]

Doin it and doin it and doin it well!

This past year has been one of tremendous professional growth. I’ve landed in a role that I absolutely love and have said time and again it’s the perfect place for me. My understanding of teamwork, management, and more has grown leaps and bounds. But this growth doesn’t come without falls, lessons learned, and some tears. That’s how your grow right?

I am challenging myself to journal about those reflections and lessons so that one day I can maybe share them with others and look back and continue to learn from them myself.

Things may look different around here for now. More to come!

[autumncozy]

By domsli22

[beejo]

I need to get more candles..

[beejo]

Quietly Beautiful

Do you ever watch a film not expecting much and then walk away in shock at how much it shook you? I think this may be the time to use that phrase the kids are using these days, “I’m shook” (do they still say that? haha). 

Alex suggested Wind River and after watching the trailer twice, I agreed. I knew nothing about it, but as the movie went on I got more and more engaged. There were moments of quiet, moments I had to look away because of the violence, but then moments where I literally felt shaken to my core. 

The ending was beautiful. It makes you think. Knocks the air out of you in a quiet yet beautiful way. I think that about sums it up.

I’m not sure what to do or where to take these feelings currently. But I will carry them with me for now and reflect.  

[westgateoh]

More Native actors of “Wind River.” Julia Jones played Renner’s wife and she was very powerful in the few scenes she was given. You could feel the tension and grief radiating from her, and the one scene where Cory shows up on her doorstep and she basically turns him away was heartbreaking and incredibly believable. Graham Greene was fantastic as usual, showing the casual and good friendship with Cory that was important to Cory’s character. Tokala Clifford played Sam and he was so moving in his few scenes.

All of these actors were so good.

[westgateoh]

So I went to see “Wind River” last night. A review later. Here’s the thing, though: when I got home I scrolled through the “Wind River” tag for a good ten minutes and it was ALL Jeremy Renner and Elizabeth Olsen.

NONE of the Native actors were pictured or even talked about. I was stunned.

I like Elizatbeth Olson as much as the next person, but this guy?

This is Gil Birmingham, and if you want the most powerful two scenes in the movie, they were the ones between Mr. Birmingham and Jeremy Renner. Gil Birmingham acted the shit out of his role, and the way he and Renner played off of each other in the pivotal scenes they had together was amazing.

Give the Native actors in Wind River some cred, folks. They were all amazing.

[laguerradelasgalaxias]

“You fought for your life, now you get to walk away with it.”

Wind River (2017), dir. Taylor Sheridan

[rileybleu]

Wind River (2017) dir. by Taylor Sheridan

The snow and silence, it’s the only thing that hasn’t been taken from them.

[beejo]

Little Routines

I am honestly not very good at routines. That is a fact. I am working on it though. I do enjoy having them and see the necessity, I just need to make the space for them. Just typing the words “making space” makes me yearn for the feeling of it, space. I know I can’t do it all at once, but little steps toward making routines for myself really helps. 

Right now I am working on an evening routine. I have a list of little tasks I need to do each night. Of course, I have a “perfect” version in my head, but sometimes it doesn’t happen that way. 

Here is an example of a Perfect Evening Routine for myself starting after dinner around 8pm:

Wash Dishes

Turn on Water for Tea

Wash Face

Yoga

Journal

Read

Bedtime 

I am trying to not hold on to a certain timeframe for this, but my hope is that as the routine becomes more natural it helps me get to bed earlier and allow more space giving me that feeling of closure at the end of the day that I so desperately yearn for. 

Tonight though... dinner took too long to cook and it is 9:43 and the only thing I have done is wash dishes (for the most part) and journaled (hey!). So, onward to finish the more important parts of the list and I’ll be back tomorrow.  

Xoxo, Bee. 

[roxanegay]

My 2017 Reading List

Here are the books I read in 2017. I didn’t read as much as I usually do this year. I was kind of on tour constantly and also life. But I read many excellent books this year and only one inexcusably bad book that I am still very angry about. 

My Favorite Book of the Year

Pachinko by Min Jin Lee

I cannot say enough about Pachinko. This novel was utterly absorbing. I knew nothing about it when I picked it up, and I couldn’t put it down. I read it voraciously and was so taken by the writing, by the elegance of the prose, the sweeping ambition and scope of the narrative, how much I learned without feeling lectured, how I wanted so very much for the characters and was very invested in their lives. I love this book.

My Second Favorite Book of the Year

Stephen Florida by Gabe Habash

A girl (woman obvi) I’m always trying to impress gave me this book so I of course read it and at first, I was like, hmm, this is just an uncomfortable read. As in literally, the prose is so weird that it was uncomfortable to read. But I kept reading. And I kept reading. And it was all so strange, so intensely committed to being what it was, no pretense, no bullshit, just incredibly stylistic storytelling about a young man who lives to wrestle. I loved all the details, the intense focus on the body, the obsession with ambition, the plainness of Stephen Florida’s wants and needs. I never knew what was going to happen next. I was always anxious about what might happen next. The execution of this novel is flawless. So many very good books are very good but unoriginal. This book is excellent and truly original.

The Other Best Books of the Year

What It Means When a Man Falls From the Sky by Lesley Nneka Arimah Her Body and Other Parties by Carmen Maria Machado We Are Never Meeting In Real Life by Samantha Irby Spoiler Alert by xTx Eat Only When You Are Hungry by Lindsay Hunter The Collapsing Empire by John Scalzi The Idiot by Elif Batuman I’m So Fine: A List of Famous Men & What I Had On by Khadijah Queen

An Absolutely Delightful Novel That Was Thoroughly Imaginative and Strange and Charming

All the Birds in the Sky by Charlie Jane Anders

A Memoir that Was Really Very Extra but the Writing Was Fine and the Book Certainly Held My Prurient Interest

How to Murder Your Life by Cat Marnell

Gorgeous Collections of Poetry That Astonished Me And Opened The World Up To Me

Don’t Call Us Dead by Danez Smith Wade in the Water by Tracy K. Smith Blud by Rachel McKibbens Call a Wolf a Wolf by Kaveh Akbar Bestiary by Donika Kelly Silencer by Marcus Wicker

A Really Creepy True Crime Book About an English Girl’s Disappearance in Japan

The People Who Eat Darkness by Richard Lloyd Parry

An Utterly Underwhelming (and Often Annoying) but Very Competent Short Story Collection

Uncommon Type by Tom Hanks

An Ambitious Essay Collection From a Talented Writer Where I Wanted More Depth From Each Essay

All the Lives I want by Alanna Massey

The Celebrity Memoir I Absolutely Loved and Did Not Expect to Love About an Artist I Knew Nothing About and Now I Can’t Stop Listening to His Song “Lemonade” Which Is Not to Be Confused With God’s Album “Lemonade”

The Autobiography of Gucci Mane by Gucci Mane

The Book I Hated Most, For Excellent Reasons I Explain in My Goodreads Review and That I WIll Summarize by Saying NO NOPE NO Because For One the Protagonist Scoops Semen Out of Her Vagina With Alarming Frequency (WTF DUDE? COME ON)

My Absolute Darling by Gabriel Tallent

A Book From My Childhood That I Adored and Found Again With the Help of Some Fans At An Event (It totally holds up)

Caroline by Willo Davis Roberts

An Amazing Dystopian Feminist Novel I Couldn’t Put Down

The Book of the Unnamed Midwife by Meg Elison

A Fun, Unexpectedly Interesting Book About the Worst Movie Ever

The Disaster Artist by Greg Sestero with Tom Bissell

A Novel About Rich White Women That Was Okay And Very Readable But Also Very Predictable And Way Better Than the Dry Ass TV Adaptation With Bad Music

Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty

A Quintessential New Yorker’s New York Book That Is Wonderful

Arbitrary Stupid Goal by Tamara Shopsin

A Moving Novel About A Man Trying to Grapple WIth His Weight and His Grief and Keeping His Family Together

The Weight of Him by Ethel Rohan

A Book About Young Folk In the Big City Trying to Make It Work in Start Up World

Startup by Doree Shafrir

A Solid Memoir About Brain Trauma and A Woman Finding Her Way Back to Herself

Tell Me Everything You Don’t Remember by Christine Hyung-Oak Lee

A Book of Pictures Of Signs From the Women’s March (Literally)

Why We March: Signs of Protest and Hope

A Hilarious Book by a Comedian Which Is Notable Because Most Comedian Books Are Neither Good Nor Funny

The Awkward Thoughts of W. Kamau Bell by Kamau Bell

A Book by A Comedian That Was Fine But I Didn’t Love It

The Last Black Unicorn by Tiffany Haddish

Unique Poetry Collections That Experimented With Form, Language, and Thought In Really Interesting Ways

Electric Arches by Eve Ewing Madness by Sam Sax My Mother Was a Freedom Fighter by Aja Monet

A Book From A Writer I Love That I Wanted to Like But It Made Me Cringe A Lot, Particularly Where Race Is Concerned

The Force by Don Winslow

A Bad Romance Novel Where The Sex Metaphors Made Me Irate and Also The Woman Was Constantly Wetting Herself Over the Man’s Masculine Scent and Let’s Be Real In That Men Only Smell Good Once In A While DON’T AT ME

Deadly Rumors by Cheris Hodges

A Really Descriptive Novel Where Los Angeles and the California Desert Are More Vivid and Compelling As Characters Than the Human Characters

Wonder Valley by Ivy Pochoda

The Essay Collection About Race in America I Am Still Grappling With

We Were Eight Years in Power by Ta-Nehisi Coates

A Book Where the Very Last Scene Was the Strongest, And Still Haunts Me Months After First Reading It

New People by Danzy Senna

Books I Taught In My Fiction Workshops

The Sympathizer by Viet Thanh Nguyen On Writing by Stephen King Best American Science Fiction and Fantasy 2015 Best American Science Fiction and Fantasy 2016 The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood Disgrace by J.M. Coetzee

Excellent Books I Blurbed

Reset by Ellen K Pao This Will Be My Undoing by Morgan Jerkins The Sarah Book by Scott McClanahan The Belles by Dhonielle Clayton This Is My Face by Gabourey Sidibe The Guidebook to Relative Strangers by Camille Dungy Now My Heart is Full by Laura June The Wedding Date by Jasmine Guillory Heart Berries by Terese Mailhot Goodbye, Sweet Girl by Kelly Sundberg

[beejo]

Celebrate Daily Accomplishments

As I was standing at the sink washing my face a few minutes ago, I thought to myself, there is never enough time in the day. I started thinking about how I need to manage my time better, find a new organizational system, or better prioritize. As I looked in the mirror (not to be dramatic or anything...haha), I remembered that in spite of all this, I did get quite a bit done today. Perhaps I need to remind myself instead that the truth is, there are only so many hours in the day. 

So today, I am going to celebrate the things I completed, worked on, or did better at.. because I deserve to be celebrated!

Wrote and completed a blog for work

Finalized a design on some upcoming collateral

Made a healthy breakfast and ate it before leaving the house

Spent lunch time laughing and catching up with an old friend

Booked my flight to Austin for Ann’s wedding

Made a healthy dinner for Alex and I (and washed all the dishes!)

Washed my face... anyone else HORRIBLE at this at night?

Journaled

I feel good about that list. Of course, the things I didn’t complete came into my mind too, but I’m not focusing on those now. I will acknowledge them, be ok with them, and move forward to a new day tomorrow. 

I’m keeping it short and simple today because I am finally tired before midnight! Back to a normal sleep schedule hopefully. 

xoxo, Bee.

[quotemadness]

Close your eyes and imagine the best version of you possible. That’s who you really are, let go of any part of you that doesn’t believe it.

C. Assaad (via quotemadness)

[thedailyzen]

Be like the honeybee who gathers only nectar wherever it goes. Seek the goodness that is found in everyone. — Amma

[beejo]

Back at it

With the new year ahead of me I am not feeling that sparkly, excited, go-getter feeling I have felt in years past. I don’t want to make resolutions, I don’t want to tell everyone “New year, New me!” lol... just no.

I do feel like setting quiet goals though. As I type the words quiet... I literally hear myself whispering “quiet goals” and it feels good in my soul. I want to set goals that I feel confident I can meet, ones that will build me into a person I want to be, and ones that will at times challenge me. I feel this deep need to “do me”, but at the same time, I am not sure who “me” is these days. I also like the idea of choosing a word for the year, one that I have identified as important before, but always struggled with is calling to me recently, “Authenticity”.

With that being said, here are a few goals I am thinking about for this year:

Journal daily

Move (yoga, running, weightlifting)

Get rid of THINGS

Pay bills on time (I know... I’m so bad at it though!)

Make sure dishes are cleaned before bed

Wash face EVERY night

I haven’t journaled on a daily basis for quiet some time, but I hoping that it will be like mini therapy sessions for myself. Time set aside for myself to review, think, ponder, and just be. Not sure exactly what it looks like yet. I tried to find a journal in the house I could use, but couldn’t find anything decent, so I decided to open up my tumblr and start here. I have a digital history of sorts of who I was during college here, why not start the exploration of who I am today here.

Over the next few days, weeks, months I will explore “authenticity” and I will explore what each of these goals listed above mean for me. Decide which work, what needs to be added, and hopefully learn more about myself in the process.

XO, Bee