bee’s mess

The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

[beesflyanyway]

you’re allowed to fall in love when you’re still healing; when you’re still becoming.

[beesflyanyway]

you healed something in me

you broke something in me too

[beesflyanyway]

i just want some to say, “i know honey, it sucks.”

because i know why it sucks. you don’t need to tell me again. i already know all the reasons for why this happens. i know the excuses and the fundamentals.

and i understand why i just have to deal with it. i understand why i have to keep being patient, keep giving grace, keep letting things go. i understand why my lenience is so necessary.

that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt sometimes too. because i does, and i let it be anyway. just because something is fact does not make something less painful.

but at some point its all gonna be too heavy. and i just need someone to see me without asking me to be ok again.

“i know honey, it really sucks.” i see you, what you feel is valid.

[beesflyanyway]

and that’s exactly why i never tell people why she frustrates me, because it’s always “she’ll learn” “you have to be patient” “give her a hot minute” “she’s mad at the world right now” “the world isn’t built for her” “everything is so much harder for her” “it’s not her fault”. all of which are true, but i’ve been judged harshly and unfairly in my own home, nothing is ever enough to please her, i’m patronised the moment i walk in the door, there are things i can’t say or do or express that’ll satisfy her wants, there are things i can’t say or do or express because they “hurt her feelings” even if she used to be the only place i felt safe enough to speak the things that weighed on me. i’ve given her enough patience, i’ve let things that hurt me slide just because she’s hurting too, i’ve been a good big sister, but never once have i been seen enough for someone to go “i don’t think those are good enough reason to justify the way she’s hurting you…” i wish someone would just see me for once and not defend her. i don’t mean for someone to actively attack her either, i’m just begging for someone to see me and tell me “i know your hurting, this fucking sucks and i’m so sorry.”

see me please i’m begging you.

[embersandepiphanies]

I broke my heart into a million pieces, hoping each piece would feel only a fraction of the pain. But now they all scream your name in unison, deafening me to every other name.

[beesflyanyway]

i keep telling myself i’m not allowed to fall

if i fall i’ll break someone

i keep punishing myself for loving

if i love i’ll break someone

if i don’t allow myself the kind of life only falling in love can give

will i break me too?

[beesflyanyway]

why do their worlds keep falling apart?

i don’t know if i have enough glue this time….

[beesflyanyway]

it’s funny… you don’t even have enough glue to hold yourself together anymore.

your world has fallen apart.

[ijaazat]

summer

1. make a syllabus for yourself - books, media, places, recipes

2. complete 40% of it

3. eat every fruit u can

[beesflyanyway]

i was just rereading some poems and blogs and words and prose and the like i’ve written over on my other blog and i read one that said “am i broken enough yet?” and i think my heart broke a little. i’m always writing about how pain effects me (emotionally and physically) and the same questions always come up: is this enough to make me worthy? am i allowed to feel this yet? is this a good enough reason to feel the way i do? will this be enough to be seen? am i still going to be invisible? can anyone hear me? am i broken enough yet? it’s all just a cry to be seen, to be heard, asking, begging for the pain to go away but also holding onto it as it’s the only thing i have to prove that i struggle too…. like pain is the only way to prove i deserve my existence.

[a-mind-in-ruins]

Loving you was ruining me.

[zegalba]

Takako Ugachi: 'Quatre Saisons' (2020)

[beesflyanyway]

am i allowed to feel this?

love makes me so scared and so lost, but also so excited and so alive!

but i’m so unstable.

i still want to run away.

i still want to go home.

but it’s just little dates.

there’s no harm in having fun.

right?

[beesflyanyway]

“you being depressed just reminds me of living with dad…”

[beesflyanyway]

i sit alone in the dark of the midday gloom on a rainy day, in nothing but a blanket and undies, on the damp floor of the bathroom. knees pulled up to my chest, eyes puffy and red as tears spill over my cheeks and snot runs out my nose. the rain on the tin roof of my flat, drowns out the sound of my quite hitching sobs. i have sat far too long in this constant misery, in this city that was supposed to save me but instead caged me, and i’m begging my reflection to get out, repeating over and over and over, “i can’t do this anymore. i need to go home.”

but then my red eye, exhausted, falling apart little sister walks through the door. her usual hello gone as she retreats to her room without so much as a nod in my direction. i take a breath, wipe my eyes enough so the remainder of my sorrows is undetectable, i stand and i quietly put myself and my blanket around my little sister. she folds into me and i ask all the quiet questions, “what’s going on love?” she she falls apart and lets all the horribly heavy things tumble out into the open. while i sit and listen and offer little pieces of comfort where i can.

all i know is i desperately need to go home, i cannot live like this, but i cannot leave her her to hold herself alone. so i guess the only choice is to hold myself alone and stay with my little sister.

[beesflyanyway]

nothing like someone sadder than you to pull you straight out of your own hole and into big sister mode.

[beesflyanyway]

i fell asleep next to you

you were warm

curled up into my pillows

breathing softly

and you didn’t reach for me

not like you used to

i didn’t reach for you

i woke up next to you

i woke up to you waking

to your gently ringing alarm

i felt you leave my bed and tuck me back in

and i popped my head up to see you off

and settled back down as the door clicked

and it felt so normal

so familiar

a whisper of a memory or a dream i once had

maybe i really was reaching for you after all

[beesflyanyway]

does the need to call me pull at the strings of your soul like the need to call you pulls at mine?