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honor your parents

as a kid when you follow the expectation to ‘honor your parents’ you simply listen to and obey your parents. the concept is simple. they direct. you follow. this feels impossibly hard as a child but at least it is straight forward. as an adult child this feels much more complicated. for the most part as a kid i followed the ‘honor your parents’ rule for the most part/ enough to get by (LOL). as an adult, i’ve been able to graduate school, pay off my student loans, pay off my credit card monthly, buy a car and a house (yikes never thought i’d hit that milestone!) and maybe most important ask my parents for absolutely nothing. that’s the ultimate goal of parents right? to send your kids off in the world and for them to be self-sufficient. as a child of asian immigrants, that part is the easy part. the true ball of wax is honoring my parents when it comes to knowing them as people, not just mom and dad. when trying to preserve their heart somehow through my life. for them to be able to see the best parts of themselves in me. i’ll never say it to them but at some stage i hit a point where i wanted them to be proud of me because they are truly great parents (to be clear, not perfect by ANY stretch of the imagination..) and they deserve to have kids that reflect their wonderful selves. i’ve been trying to ask my parents more questions about themselves, about their pasts, about their hopes. its uncomfortable at times but whenever they open up its always so exciting and interesting. today i pulled out my sewing machine (its been away for almost a decade...) because andrew wanted to learn. it felt so strange yet totally second nature to show him how to thread the machine, to manage the bobbin, adjust the tension... then it felt even stranger to realize i was the teacher and that even after so long, i knew exactly how to do all the main steps. it reminded me of when my mom taught me how to sew and the nostalgia hit me so hard. i wonder if the biggest part of honoring our parents now is figuring out how to preserve their spirit, and continue it in the family. with every month and year that passes i realize the chances of me having children (at least through my body) becomes so much more slim. maybe the preservation just needs to live within me and maybe that’s enough.

2 strangers to me.

now available on spotify!

yup i made new cover art for my pod!

the conclusion to the friendship trilogy

sandwiches. my favorite food! i love getting to the bottom of a bag of potato chips knowing that the “crumbs” have a very special job. everyone has purpose.

3 more points!

covering the first 3 points on my list!

#itsnotworkingout

working title still in process:

too lazy too type, meaningless chit chat, river of consciousness, endless monologue

accepting the reality that the longer i am on this earth the more i will complete the transformation.

https://anchor.fm/joyce-lau3/episodes/black-lives-matter-ef7e6v/black-lives-matter-a2e59sb

delving into my single perspective as an asian american woman

I made a podcast.

it gets easier and it gets harder but mostly it feels easier.

what a strange time. that’s all we can agree on. i thought it would be harder to not leave the house. the thing i miss most is meals that are made by someone else. not just because of the food (while this is very important!) and the fact that i feel like i spend 25% of my days now washing dishes.. but meals at restaurants are such a social activity to me. this has been replaced by video calls. its actually been really nice, somehow connecting more with people.

its been nice to convert dining room tables into workspace. bedrooms into conference call rooms. changing from ‘work’ leggings to ‘home’ leggings just to create a differential. organize spaces that might otherwise not get touched.

i guess we have more time on our hands as we are forced to slow down. i know this won’t be forever. eventually the world will reopen. we’ll find ways to be ‘busy’ again but i think its so important to enjoy the slowness. enjoy our homes, to not see our closed walls as captivity but to see them as our castles, our sanctuaries.

the best quality.

my parents motto would be “be frugal with yourself, generous with others”

i grew up in the *traditional* chinese household where even to this day when we get together for family dinners there will be no doubt at least one conversation that starts with “guess how much..” followed by a great deal that you got that week. i never really noticed it until andrew pointed it out one night, how my family loves nothing more than a good buy!

we’re definitely not unique in that sense.

i do think my parents have always been extremely thoughtful and kind when it comes to helping others. i think all parents (who are present - physically and emotionally) definitely have an innate way of putting their needs aside and doing anything / everything for their kids. my parents are definitely those people. but they are also the people that growing up would literally open up our home to people who needed somewhere to stay. there was always someone from church staying in their basement, ranging from college students or people who were just in a transitioning part of their lives. they’ve always been the ones to provide car pickups for the elderly. most importantly, they have extended their energy and time to be a listening ear for aching souls even when inconvenient to them. my parents aren’t young. they’ve seen a lot. they’ve done so much.

i know that everything good in my life is because of them. the god-believing person wants to say ‘everything good in my life is because of god’ and i guess i am saying that in a way because if god put these people in my life as parents then there it is! truly and honestly they are just so kind, and i see them give and give and pour out to others in such a way that i am embarrassed to say took me so long to see. i think it really came to a head this weekend.

their friends (i actually used to tutor their kid!) were moving to tampa. my parents told me that they were going to drive down with them and then fly back. this plan was in place weeks ago. i already felt a bit anxious about it because my dad is not in great health and his gout flares up in his ankle - causing him to sometimes be completely unable to walk (much less drive!) but nonetheless he said this week he was feeling great and could make the 7 hour drive in the moving truck and then fly back to atlanta.

fast forward to this week. when everything has been a total mess in the world, to say the VERY least. i wanted to ask them to stay, to even reach out to their friends and ask if they reallyyyy needed the help. i knew i couldn’t do that. my parents have such a tenacity and desire to help, its what they do. as much as i didn’t want them to go, to risk their health. i knew i couldn’t ask them to cancel. they wouldn’t be able to live with themselves. they honestly would rather help a friend and literally risk their lives than the alternative - not helping. maybe some people would see this as a toxic trait. maybe there will be a line to draw, eventually. but i can’t do that now. its what makes their heart beat. i just have to admire their seemingly endless selfishness and hope that one day i can mirror a fraction of their soul.

sorry i’m not sorry.

i am definitely a repeat offender of saying “i’m sorry” when that phrase is not warranted. working on correcting this. often we (asian american women, ok and other people) use this as a filler, a way to quickly correct, out of guilt or all of the above. how do we stop the cycle?

first, analyze the situation in moments where you have time to plan what you are going to say. for example, last week the waiter put an appetizer on our tab that shouldn’t have been there.

what my initial script was: i’m sorry but it looks like our check is incorrect. do you mind fixing it?

adjusted script: it’s not a big deal, but it looks like our check is incorrect. do you mind fixing it?

it’s a small, simple adjustment but i obviously had nothing to be sorry for. i wanted to be clear that while he made an error i wasn’t irritated.

i am learning to do this at work too. sometimes my boss will give me vague instructions and the task i complete doesn’t end up being the way she envisioned it. i used to say “oh sorry!” in a guilt ridden way but now i say “oh ok, i will change it!” because i don’t need to take blame for a situation that both my boss and i understand to not be anyone’s fault. maybe this is different depending on the boss, but i’ve learned that even without apologizing and just raising your hand, admitting fault and presenting corrective action gets me a lot farther. i can admit fault without saying sorry a millions times and this be not only acceptable but respectable? mind BLOWN 🤯. we are all human and when it comes to work, the place we spend the majority of our waking hours - there are going to be mistakes.

the next post will be when to apologize. i’m just sleepy now.

gratitute. for nothing i have i deserve. all by the grace of god, the love of family, and the blessed foundation of friendships.

also this is a picture of our green bean casserole (or gbc for the cool kids) which i whipped up fried onions on the spot with pure improvisation. turned out well. therefore. stand up comedy - i’m coming for ya.

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