QueenBeez

[beezqueen]

work will be the end of me, i think . . .

i had a great saturday morning -- i met up with a group of women to participate in a csi-type of murder mystery outdoor activity. i am new to this group and a bit of an intruder as it's supposed to be only women in their 30s, but they plan such fun meet-ups and age is really just a number, right? we even stopped in a favorite bagel shop during our hunt for the imaginary suspects, so it was pretty awesome. and after, i did a little bit of retail therapy.

yesterday was a quiet day for me -- i stayed in the entire day, doing chores (laundry, dishes, cleaning), reading, watching tv, and just lazing about. i slept about 12 hours, which i think is due to depression.

still having dreams about being back at the gym, but always ignored by my previous boss (the guy who has major rage outbursts). i think my subconscious is working things out due to my current situation, which i really do believe will be over by this friday.

i cannot provide a perfect document despite how hard i try and that's all that matters to them, so the ax falls this friday and i am okay with this. i have been preparing for quite a while and it's difficult to have something so heavy hang over your head for a prolonged period of time. it wears on you, very hard to escape from. i think that's why i go to bed so early -- just to get away from this situation.

why stay you ask -- the health benefits, especially for my prescriptions is incredible and much needed. i've actually gotten a few prescriptions for free, if you can believe that. and my health insurance covers to some degree, my therapist visits. and the paycheck is healthy.

but the way i feel at work, like today, since i always feel like i am being watched and scrutinized. i realize i don't have all the health issues others have. but i am constantly paranoid about being ratted out by one of Satan's disciples (she only has two, but you just never know). my supervisor always makes sure to remind me how much i suck. why she can't see how much improvement i've made since january. i didn't even know how to use the stupid design program and now i can do quite a bit. but nothing i produce is 100 percent. and therein lies my downfall. i make mistakes.

anyway, enough said for one day. luckily tomorrow and friday i can work from home, which is so wonderful. no one is watching me, i can get other stuff (meal prep) done. i am most definitely going to need a remote job in the future.

[beezqueen]

work remains a heartache

so the last two days at work i felt like i truly made progress. i caught every error in a design document and proofed it manually (printed out a copy) and caught a few more things. so over all, i think the document is error-free in the sense that i picked up every comment from a qc/qa reviewer using adobe pdf. they cannot accuse me of not picking up every edit, because i checked every box, and in certain cases, made comments to explain certain edits. so it should all be a huge improvement. but it won't be. i know it. they'll find something to hang me for. i know it.

other people have positive relationships with their supervisor (supe), but mine always feels strained, uncomfortable and like i am the hugest disappointment possible. i'm all for having a private life, but i know nothing about this person other than they live in raleigh/durham, is married, and keeps everything so very closely inside. i can never get a bead or read on her. and my best guess is that she wants to chuck me out the door.

i want to stay right now, but for the wrong reasons -- very good salary and health benefits. but i know long term i have to leave because i won't enjoy the work, there's no writing involved, which is what i really love to do.

i actually felt good about leaving work the last two days and today i worked from home, which i love. i get so much done beyond work (laundry, eye doctor appointment, car washed, library books dropped off, recycling dropped off, etc.). plus, i love my little apartment -- i feel so safe here, unlike work, which is where i feel like a moving target and under a constant microscope. so yes, i know, i need to get out. i might not even have the choice if they decide to hate my assignment (despite picking up every edit as directed). there's just no winning in this situation. not for me at least.

i asked for some assistance with placing photos in the document as some of the photos are all standard size, but at least two are not and that's probably where they will dismiss me as not doing my job. there's just no way i can get two of the photos to be sized like the others. i wish i could because then i could turn in the document and feel good about it.

okay, so enough on that. i think i have the hots for the maintenance guy that ran away when i told him, much to my chagrin, that i liked him. he'll never come by again for different reasons -- telling someone you like them and they run the other direction as fast as they can is a sure sign someone has no interest in you. and he's the opposite religion from me, which shouldn't make a difference, but in this case i think it does.

it felt so good to feel about work for a change. but that wasn't the case today and i have to work in the office tomorrow. yesterday, it was me and three other people. and the thing is, i can't stand the other three. thankfully they treated me like the plague, so it worked out for the best.

am i crazy for how i feel? how i feel about work? why should it matter so much?

i think i may be over the ex -- i don't think about him, i don't miss him. it will be a year next month that he left and subsequently served me divorce papers. but the days of crying, i think, for now are over.  and that's something i can hang my hat on for now.

[beezqueen]

a good day to hunt eggs . . .

probably for the first time in a really long time i had a truly wonderful day -- i attended a ticketed event titled a "boozy egg hunt" at a local winery. the gal pals i've become friends with through a meet-up group and we walked around, enjoyed the lovely day, picked up plastic eggs filled with candy, and got other goodies. i had a peach bellini wine slushy with cotton candy. i liked the cotton candy a lot more than the drink, but it was just fun to be outdoors with really nice people.

after the egg hunt, we went for lunch at a local bar and grill and just got to know each other better, and it's a group of women that can really relate to each other. makes such a difference to be with people that you can bond with.

i am investing in a Google nest for the outside of my apartment door and for my car, in the carport. i don't think it provides a layer of security or peace of mind, but i am doing it.

just need to start the job search and get settled in a better work situation.

[beezqueen]

i made it another week

grateful that i made it to the end of the week, always a good thing. my supervisor (supe) continues to tell me that i am not making progress, but since the level they expect perfection, zero mistakes 100 percent of the time, it's impossible to make strides. even though i have made improvements to learning a very difficult design program, it's just not enough.

i have one week left to prove myself and then i am out the door. there's nothing i can do that is going to meet their standards. i am okay with it. yes, i am sad because i won't have a great salary or health benefits, but i will find another job. hopefully one that is remote. i find that working at home, by myself, is much preferable to the cold, sterile environment in corporate world. it's just not the place for me. i will definitely miss my work bff because she's been a great support system, funny, and great to jabber with all day.

everything else is okay. i moved some stuff out of the trunk of my car (things i had taken to work for my cube), so if it is broken into, there really aren't any valuables unless you want some recycle grocery bags, a yoga blanket, and at least three umbrellas. and a small first-aid kit.

what i learned this week is that i am not safe anywhere. my car is not safe. i felt safer when i lived in a house with a garage, but that's not guaranteed either. all i know is that i got lucky that my tire and hubcap was left to be put back on. the wheel locks will hopefully keep thieves away. i know i need to get a Google nest for both outside my apartment door and one in the carport for my car, which seems like overkill, but what other options do i have?

i feel like i can't trust anything, except that the guy at Auto Zone (mark) was wonderful to me, as were keith and brittany at Good Year (they put my hubcap back on the tire, no charge). they got it -- they got that i was feeling vulnerable and completely non-trusting. they just put the hubcap back on, didn't charge me and sent me on my way.

if the work situation was resolved, i wouldn't really have any worries, but i know i need to jump on the job search asap. i don't want too, but it's absolutely necessary. and who knows? maybe i will find a remote position that includes a ton of writing.

not much else going on in my life and that's a good thing. any drama is at work and i stay put in my cube. i work from home next wednesday and friday. on wednesday, i have my annual eye check-up, and on friday, thank goodness, i see my therapist. she's incredible.

the anniversary of when my ex left me is next month and i am going to plan a mini-spa day or something special for me. it's not so much the day as that i am still upright, surviving, and thriving a little bit. i never pictured myself on my own again, but when i think about everything i went through to get here -- to be independent, i accomplished a lot.

and i didn't do it by myself. i had a support system that made it possible. the last thing i want to say is that it will take time to not feel lonely or alone and maybe that won't change. i just need to keep going.

[beezqueen]

a weird day

my day started off rough -- i got to my car and noticed that someone took all the lug nuts off my front tire, and left the tire and hub cap. i don't know if the people were doing a practical joke or trying to steal the tire, but all the they got were the lug nuts.

i called AAA (if you don't have a membership, it's worth every penny) and the tow truck guy took a lug nut off each tire and re-attached my front right tire and i went to work, was maybe 30 to 45 minutes late.

turned in the latest project for evaluation that will be chewed to pieces by my supe (supervisor) and manager. nothing is ever right or perfect. they can shred it, that's fine. at least i think i got maybe 80% correct. we'll see when i have to talk to my supe on friday for our every-other-week check-in. always so very painful.

right after work, i went to the Auto Zone and this great guy, mark, sold me the locks for my tires and a tire wrench and he helped me install tire locks on all my tires. great guy, very kind and helpful. you just don't meet that many people like that in life. it's a sad reality, but he was genuinely nice to me and wanted to teach me how to tighten and loosen lug nuts as needed. now, somebody better have a key to the lock or no one is getting a tire off my car. i'll take it to the nearby Goodyear tomorrow and get my hub cap put back on.

i don't know if someone was genuinely trying to steal the tire and thought they were going to get caught or got scared off -- i don't know. i don't care because now the tires are locked on tight. good luck to the mother f*cker getting those off!

then i had my goodbye dinner with my roommates that are moving to south carolina next month. we had a great meal at a place that i once really disliked, but has won me over. they have the best sangria in the city that's for sure. it was good to be with taylor and sarah and i am not surprised, as i write this, that the tears are rolling. they were my lifeline when my ex left me. they took me in when i had to move out of my house. going to miss them a lot. it's hard losing people.

my work bff (jen) has been amazing -- super supportive, really there for me. i think she finally has someone that gets her and understands how crazy our department is. i occasionally take a walk around our floor and hear people talking and laughing and then i come back to our silent tomb. it's sad. i like two other people in our aisle, but everyone else is a sociopath/psychopath passive-aggressive.

a couple for sure need therapy and a lot of it.

i am not really sure where i sit emotionally -- a huge part of me is sad that sarah and taylor are moving away, i am glad i resolved the stupid tire situation (at least for now), and i turned in an assignment that i am not ashamed of. lucky for my work bff that totally gets me. i have to wonder if i am safe with the car situation -- will they try to break in? don't know how i feel about my car being unsafe -- never faced that before.

i didn't sleep well last night so maybe i'll conk out tonight.

[beezqueen]

i am lonely

i went to a women's brunch meet-up this morning and i like all the women i've already met and some new women that came, which was nice. i had the chance to talk with one woman, mary, who although maybe a few years older than me, has lived so much more than me. hard to describe, but her life has been interesting and adventurous. i don't mind that my life has had its ups and downs, but nothing like hers. which isn't bad and i have been grateful for the times when my life has seemed boring, which probably sounds weird.

i live alone now and it will be a year next month that my ex left me, may 6th to be exact. it came so far out of left field, i never saw it. he never shared feelings and other than being kinda crabby i didn't think anything of it the weekend before it took place.

but here i am a year later, living on my own. and to be straight, i like my apartment just fine. it's small and tidy with just a little living room/dining room, galley kitchen, decent size bathroom and a bedroom with a ton of closet space. it's an older complex, so there aren't stainless steel appliances or granite or anything fancy. but what i do have works and when it doesn't, there is maintenance.

but what i wanted to share today is that even though i had morning brunch, which was nice and yesterday i worked a couple hours for an attorney i used to with at a law firm, i am lonely. i spent the whole afternoon watching videos on YouTube and reading, which i agree, are a luxury, especially when i consider what's going on in the world and all the people who have it worse.

and while i am okay being by myself, a lot of times i wish i had a dinner to go to or something else. now, luckily this week, i am working from home on monday and thursday, so i don't have to go into the office tomorrow and it's my last Google session with my career coach, Sabrina, who is ready for me to fly out of the nest. she has other clients to take care of now. i was fortunate to have six months of free career coaching through a non-profit and we got to the goal. if only i liked my work and wasn't constantly stressed by it.

i know it will take time to make new friends and at 53 (i've been told i look younger), it seems difficult. two of my friends (married) are moving to south carolina in a matter of weeks and i doubt i will visit -- i think i would rather use what little vacation i build up to go somewhere warm and as nutty as this sounds, kind of remote, non-touristy, later in the year. i want some imaginary beach community that is quiet and all about nature. sabrina suggested dauphin island and strangely/coincidentally, that was featured on the cbs sunday morning, with a cardinal leading the video. cardinals are very important to me -- i've read a lot about them and in some cultures, they are considered messengers.

every time i see a cardinal, it makes me think of my dad. i don't know why and i can't explain it, but i've met other people that feel that way about cardinals (my work bff) and other birds or things like butterflies or ladybugs. so it's not just me.

and today, strangely enough, i saw a cardinal and he saw me and it's been too long of a spell between sightings. i want my dad with me always, close by. and he's in my heart. but i look every day in every way for signs that he's watching out for me.

anyway, i feel not blue or sad, just always wish my life was a little fuller. but i bet if i was stuck doing work (ugh), i would want to be exactly where i am, which is comfortably in the couch, reading good books, grateful for a big tv.

no self pity, just actualization that i have to make a greater effort to connect with other people, to make new friends.

[beezqueen]

it’s been ages that i felt like things were going to turn out okay

so yesterday was good and bad. i screwed up a design assignment big time. i was so nervous about it, i completely forgot all my training and made a complete mess of it. i spent time today making an updated version and sending it monday morning to my supervisor (supe). she's been patient because i completely effed up that project. like nothing was right, but i relaxed, spent a couple hours today and i think i got it right or at least 100 percent. i have one more project to complete by friday. if it's good, i might get to stay, but it's 50-50.

why would i want to stay. golden handcuffs -- great salary, benefits, and relatively close to my house (12-minute drive door to door). but i am prepared to start job searching and finding something that really lights me up. so that part is good.

i also dumped London Boy all the way -- every app that we chatted through (google hangouts, skype) have been deleted off my phone and i blocked his email on Google. i blocked and reported to him LinkedIn. i went to the bank in person and confirmed that all my money is safely and securely locked down. tight. no one is getting to my funds.

it's one of the first days that i feel like even though my job situation is in jeopardy, i can move forward through this. i will pay more attention to what i really want to do and won't pursue proposal positions, just writing, communications, etc.  and i will have a new tool under my belt that will aid me in the future. i am not sure i even feel sad about leaving, other than i have a great work bff. she's awesome. keeps me company all day whether i am at home or in the office -- we use a couple of chat programs.

i've got my appointments set for my dentist, eye doctor and therapist all next week (not this week), so technically i will be covered with health insurance unless it's cut off on friday. you just never know.

but i feel like a weight has been lifted and that's good, even if i end up staying for the short term as i know i need to get out and get out fast. job searching takes time, i get that. i started in earnest last september/october and didn't book my current gig until the beginning of december. it's a real, long slog. but worth it if you end up at the right place. i am not because i don't want to work evenings and weekends and that's all my group does. c-r-a-z-y.

i worked (i call it my side hustle) for an employment attorney that i knew from a previous job and he pays well, so we did a couple hours today. i can look forward to more work from him. he's quite nice, super bright, and the only thing i wish it was a full-time position. he doesn't have enough work for an assistant, he's a one-person law firm, but if he ever did, man, i would really like that.

anyway, i am doing okay, which is so much better than the previous weeks. where i just felt down, defeated, pushed into the ground. but i truly believe there is hope for me and i don't know where that hope comes from. but i believe. i have faith.

[beezqueen]

turning off my phone does me good

so i worked from home today, which i love. when i start job-searching, most likely in a week, i am going to look for remote positions. it's wonderful to be in what feels like the safest environment. at work, which thankfully ends for me tomorrow (chuck that alarm clock!), feels like i am under an intense microscope or magnifying glass. it's palpable how uncomfortable i feel. like at any moment, a boom/ax is going to fall on me, so it's best i find a better fit.

most people (well the people i shared with) are amazed at my attitude about how relieved and grateful that i am getting fired. but the reality is, i don't fit there and never will, so out i go. and this next time, i am going to make sure i find a position where i can write and write and write -- no more proposals! no more corporate life! i am just ready to move on with my life to the best of my ability.

the thing is, i don't feel bad or sad or really anything about the situation (other than grateful and relieved to get let go, isn't that crazy?!?!) because what i went through in 2021 with my divorce, moving out of my house, losing my two cats (put down by the ex) and having to leave a part-time job that was meaningful but paid peanuts. i survived that -- every day it felt like my heart was getting ripped out, over and over and over and over.

i still get teary, but i haven't had the type of cry where it feels like someone is gutting me. i attribute it to settling into my apartment and my daily life. there are times where i feel the tears coming up, mostly having to say goodbye to people like my career coach (she is contracted by an agency). they don't really get or understand the impact they had on my life and no amount of thank-you notes can express how i feel.

as for the london boy, he asked to me to transfer funds from his bank account and that was the last straw. i deleted my skype and google chat apps. i will block all messages that come into gmail. he says that due to his remote location in turkey where he is allegedly working on a project, he cannot communicate with this so-called supplier that has no website, just an email address. i don't need to be his intermediary -- it feels so sketchy and unsafe. it could all be above-board and legitimate, but i can't ignore that one post i found via google that mentioned they were swindled by him, over a year's campaign on their money. can't allow that. so i deleted everything off my phone and i turned my phone off. and it's going to stay off for awhile.

i am going to my bank tomorrow, once released from work, to ensure everything is locked up tight like fort knox. you just never know anymore. i think i will actually be happier with my phone off as there is no one i ever talk with, except my friend who is so busy. i have to book time to talk with her, which seems crazy to me.

i have to say, i enjoyed the distraction and fun of the flirtation. there were a lot of times that london boy made me laugh and smile. but it was all fake and there's no such things as fairy tales. they don't exist and i know better because i had the fairy tale and it evaporated like it never existed for 20+ years.

so i learned two very important lessons in the past three months -- choose where you want to work based on what you like to do and don't stay in a miserable job. that's where regret happens. i learned a new software skill that i can take with me anywhere. and i met two really incredible people through work that i hope i can stay in touch with. and the other lesson is that if it seems to good to be true, trust your gut.

no matter where you go, whatever you do, you'll find good people. but there's also the opposite element. i have been entirely too naive and need to keep things inside, deep inside and not share details about my life. i just have to be a good listener, which is what other people want anyway.

tomorrow, a new life starts for me and i consider myself lucky.

[beezqueen]

i don’t know what happens next

so i am finally finishing (tomorrow is it) on this cruddy project (four submittals) and i feel like i have been just mutilated by the process. the expectations of 100 perfection is exhaustion. pure exhaustion. the tiniest detail cannot be overlooked or you're toast. i know i am not long for the place, but i am sad that i had such high hopes and it turned to garbage. i was in online training, but having to work on two documents to make edits and i feared every time i saw that i had a message in my inbox from the manager i am working with. who absolutely hates my work and thinks i am a waste of time. nothing is ever perfect enough for her. never. ever. it takes it out of a person. no one else has any problems with her, in fact, she appears beloved by all, so it's just me. and she's not a mean or bad or evil person -- she just wants everything to be perfect when i am just learning the software we use.

i think we're still in a very good job market, so hopefully it won't take long to get a new job and health insurance of course.

all week i have felt lost and abandoned. there have been no signs or signals from my dad, it's almost like i'm cut off from his spirit. i did see some geese as i drove home, they flew right over my car and that made me feel better. but overall i feel like i'm on an island, all by myself, all day, every day. this is what my life has come to.

i did go to an all ladies happy hour with a group that i met through meet-ups. and now that i am getting to know more of them it's a nice bunch to be around for a couple of hours and it takes my mind off the impending doom of getting fired.

i have book club on sunday with this group of women and we're going to a place i like a lot. good food, proseco, comfy and nice staff.

i consider myself "in recovery" from being thrown away by the ex last year, losing my cats, house, etc. it's a lot like being on a roller coaster, but i am down more days than i am up. i don't know how to beat this feeling of utter failure. i know everyone says it will just take time. and to take one day at a time, but it feels more and more like a struggle just to get to the end of each day. i hate it.

and the london boy is persistent in trying to contact me, even though i blocked him on linkedin. i don't know why he is trying so hard -- he lives there, i live here. i'm not even close to his income bracket, so why is he even bothering me so much? i just want to be left alone. can't wait for friday, as i am working from home and that always helps.

somehow it gets better, right? i wish someone could verify and confirm that i will eventually be happy again. but i don't think that person exists. sadly.

[beezqueen]

i was saved by working from home today

i probably only have a couple weeks left before they get rid of me, but i am taking advantage of the work from home two days a week, which are so good for my mental health. the manager i have to work with never resists getting in a dig, twisting the knife further. i will definitely be job searching to get out of there, but it will take time and i will be let go before i can get hired somewhere else, which is too bad.

i was pretty sad in the morning. both my online meetings got rescheduled, so i was primarily left alone all day to watch online videos regarding this design program i am learning. doesn't matter because the manager is ready to sign my death warrant and the the idea of being without salary and health insurance is scary, but i can get rehired somewhere.

i am mostly sad in the mornings, like my mom. once the depression and anxiety medication kick in, toward the afternoon, i am in much better shape mentally. i cannot stress how nervous it makes me to go to the office. it's like if they want to fire me, fire me. don't put me on a "personal improvement plan" when the idea is to boot me. just do it and let me get to grieving and scrambling for a new gig. I am going to email my (free) career coach and see if she can fit me into her schedule on friday, as that's when i am off work and can run errands or be on the phone for an hour and not get dinged.

i know things will work out, not with the job, that decision has been made. it will be much easier when i am somewhere safe where the the threat of being let go is non-existent and i can just relax and do great work. there's something going on where i am doing what i am supposed to do and still missing edits, which is not me. so i don't know what the deal is, but i want away from the environment.

staying in my apartment is my comfort zone. i don't get bored or go stir crazy as one might think. i just like being here. so maybe it's for the best. no more alarm clock at 5:30 a.m., only to get to work, and have nothing to do because of the bad manager.

i'm in online training all day tomorrow, which is fine because i wouldn't have had anything to do but watch more online training videos on this design program. pretty boring at times. i don't think i even have one meeting and it's a training meeting until friday afternoon. lots of days to just watch training videos and get paid for it, i guess. why i can't do this from home i don't know. at least i'm not under a giant microscope pretending to be happy and that all is fine.

and i feel like everyone in my department knows . . . somehow they all know i am getting the boot. i am what is called a "super sensitive" and as an empath, i do pick up on other people's feelings/reactions and the general feeling i get is, "so long and good luck." yay, i know it sounds sad. but in the end, it's for the best and i know it. i am like a square peg in a round hole. i just don't fit.

okay, now the london boy. he sent me some odd texts through google hangouts, something about a shipment of materials from china going to Istanbul for his next project. i have no clue why he sent me the tracking number and asked me to send a screenshot of the tracking information. it felt so weird. i don't think it was illegal (to my knowledge), but why couldn't he access the information? so i just wrote him and put it plainly -- i don't need or want heartache, heartbreak or anything related to my funds disappearing like a magic act. if he can't be totally straight with me there's no point in fun, flirty texts. because that's all there is. that's it.

he had inquired if i looked at the link to his investment company and i said no, because i am not dedicating a dime to outside investment. i have some IRAs, a 401(k), ESOP, etc., and while i would love more income, i won't chase a scam or scammer.

he tried to call twice yesterday through google hangouts (why not my phone number, FaceTime, etc.?), but i missed those calls and that was for the best. he was raised in Israel and moved to london at 24, so he doesn't have an english accent, more exotic and sometimes i can't quite understand him, but he texts perfectly. is that normal? like he can write perfectly, but talking is somehow different -- he's not fluent like he is when he writes. is he two people?

i just want him to come clean -- just tell me he wants my cash and we can part ways, me knowing he was never interested. and he has the worst taste in music, let me me tell you. i don't like michael buble whatsoever.

why is he even bothering with a pudgy cog like me anyway? is he like a cult that he wants me to join? doesn he laugh behind my back about my vulnerability? does he tell his so-called non-existent friends what a sad sop i am? it's all bad, i tell you.

so what do i have to look forward to? well one of my friends that took a trip to israel with her husband and grown children is coming home as soon as her husband recovers from covid. her perfect daughter got it too and finally got cleared to get on a plane tomorrow. renee is the kind of 63-year-old that does more in a day than i do in at least a week, maybe a month and i am no slouch.

my other friends are moving to south carolina and i will miss them because they are so honest and candid about everything.

i joined a meet-up group called "Nerdy 30s", which entails a group of nerdy women in their 30s. because i look a heck of a lot younger than 53 -- i could pass for 33 or 35, i told them i was 35 and plan to attend a bunch of their functions, which sound like a blast. unless they are a bunch of snotballs, it might be a big improvement to my lack of social life. i might make a friend, you never know. i kind of feel like the joke is on them since they shouldn't place an age restriction, but we'll see how far i can get. i don't really see any harm other than i am lying about my age. i am plenty nerdy, trust me.

i also joined a support group of women that are dealing with depression and need support. that's tonight from 7:00 to 9:00 p.m. so we'll see how that goes. i belonged to a different grief support group, but it kind of disintegrated when covid hit and then this holier-than-thou woman took over and i was like, i am out. no one is better than another. at least that's my philosophy. i don't like or need people that feel like they are somehow more superior or pious. get over it.

i really don't have any idea of how i will make it through the week -- at one point on friday, i thought i should just chuck it all. but in reality, it's just a job and i'll land on my feet. i always do.

so, now what? i have no idea. unfortunately i think i still like carlos. what to do, what to do???????? why can't he be real? why can't i have the fairytale?

[beezqueen]

not too much too look forward to

i so wish i could use a remote control and fast forward time. this week has been unusually emotional, challenging, mentally exhausting. i have three weeks to improve my work to perfect (zero errors) or i lose my job. not the happiest news, but i am going to step up and do my absolute best. i have two projects to get off my plate tomorrow and then i am going home for the day, for the weekend.

i have a women's hike on saturday, which i actually think it will do me good. i tend to hibernate and nest in my apartment -- there's plenty of books to read and tv to watch, plus the usual amount of chores galore. i did laundry and glad to have that done. tomorrow after work i will go to Aldi for a few items and Hyvee for a few things, and if i have the motivation, some cleaning -- mopping my floors and vacuuming. and dusting furniture. but in reality, not much.

i got a urinary tract infection on tuesday -- wasn't sure if it was a UTI or a kidney stone, but this is one time i got lucky and it was a UTI. i've had kidney stones and there is no pain on earth like them -- i can remember asking the doctors to just put me down, but they gave me morphine instead and i finally understood why people do drugs. it finally made sense. morphine, jeez, there's nothing like that.

but that was in my 20s and haven't had a stone, thank the lord, but i was worried. there's a lot involved. you have to be put on an IV for long periods of time to see if you can pass it naturally, but most times they have to gone in with a basket and get the stone, which looks like a black piece of special k.

it has prevented me from drinking tea for the majority of my life, because teas can cause kidney stone creation, so no hot tea (which i love) and iced tea. it's not so bad because i drink a lot of water.

anyway, bad, long week that just needs to end. i need to get my groceries and library run done, maybe get motivated to do the cleaning and then turn off. turn off the phone. watch tv. read. hope i don't get the sunday scaries, but i probably will.

so an update on the london boy prince. we write every day, but he's 8 hours (at least ahead of me). i want him, no question. i can't explain it, and it could all be a scam. but i am hoping to coax him to at least call me. he wants to visit me, but i cannot understand why he would come to kc. i would prefer for us to meet on neutral territory -- a small beach home in florida, somewhere we can get to know each other, without anyone else around.

yay, he's a good writer -- says all kinds things that make my heart go pitter-patter, but not turning over a penny. his last communique said he wants me to work with him, but i imagine that involves recruiting more people to invest with him. no thanks, i don't do pyramid schemes. why does he have to be such a good writer? why do i want him so?

and it's true -- one day i want the fairy tale, i do. maybe it's just not reality and it will never happen. but i want to hold onto hope that this is a good guy. but i know all the horror stories, i do. so i am cautious and careful. i wish i didn't like him, but he's a fun flirtation and makes me feel good about myself. is that so wrong or so bad? i'll never know the answer to that.

[beezqueen]

mind weary, bed time is close

i spent most of the day thinking that by week's end that i will be out of a job and it wore on me. it wore me out. i tried to keep busy and my mind occupied. i wrote a lot in my journal, i tried to stay off my phone.

i will be very busy the rest of the week with updating documents, even submitting one on friday. but everything has to be 100% perfect, no margin for one error. the only good things that happened was that i spent a good chunk of the day on our jabber system with my work bff, which helped quite a lot.

i cleared the air, to my best ability, with the manager who thinks my work is shit. i hope i got through. my supervisor evaded a lot of my questions, so i don't know. maybe she is letting me go on thursday after our 3:00 p.m. meeting.

probably the strangest and yet best, the london fella wrote me back after me telling him i wouldn't invest a dime in cryptocurrency and bitcoin. he wrote me back after i told him we're not in the same social class -- he's quite very affluent, and i am your average middle-class midwestern gal.

i have no idea of why he's interested since my money will always remain locked down. but we seem to click at least when we correspond. i've thrown out the idea of talking on the phone, so we'll see if he takes the bait.

i'm tired, so tired. and it's time for bed. i don't want to think anymore. but if i did, it would be of the london prince who i want more than i should want anyone.

[beezqueen]

a sad, bad brunch doesn’t ruin a sunny day

i was looking forward to a women-only brunch, but was at least five minutes late and relegated to the end of a rectangular table and two of the women around me were completely uncommunicative. i'm not a cheapie, i would have paid $12+ for two eggs, biscuits, bacon and hash browns, but i didn't really want to sit there, isolated, alone eating breakfast. it was near impossible to engage anyone else, so i left and that was my choice. i don't regret it. i find regrets are a waste of time. i know people have regrets, but i've thrown that away. those are in my past. i did a lot for my dad when he was dying of cancer, and for my mom in the 11 years following. if i don't get invited to my mom's funeral, if i am cut out of whatever little trust she has left, i have no regrets.

anyway, i am okay about the brunch. it allowed me to come home, open the blinds and let the sunshine in. after picking up two items from target (i love their curbside pickup!), then i am turning off my phone for the day and i am doing the same when i leave work. i am going to slowly find ways to dis-engage. this "online journal" helps me a lot -- i can write how i feel and there's no judgement. and a few people have given me very good advice. especially about the man in london that i believe is pretend wooing so i can be scammed. he writes words that almost like out of a movie (for example, have you ever received a roomful of flowers?). no because that only happens on tv and in the movies.

he's in an income bracket way ahead of me and i'm good with supporting myself, saving for retirement with multiple IRAs and an ESOP. i have disposable income. but i know that to save for a town home or condo, i will have to cut back on the extras i enjoy. and that's okay.

who doesn't want the fairy tale? i want the fairy tale, i do. but i had the fairy tale and got thrown away. and i am never putting myself in a position where that could happen. i think it's a miracle i survived last year, things worked out in a lot of ways for me. but i would be lying if i said that i didn't miss my old life, because i do. but that's okay too -- one day i won't miss it.

i just have to keep going forward, one step at a time, one day at a time. wish it was easier.

[beezqueen]

all chores, no work, time for tv

i got 12 hours of sleep and it felt wonderful. i was able to retrieve my parent's dining room table and chairs, as well as a small chinese lantern that used to grace my front yard. the birdbath with the the lovely Asian woman only had two pieces, not the top and most important -- perhaps i can find a replacement part.

my morning from 8:30 a.m. on included getting my car washed, an oil change, two trips to a grocery store, one trip to the hardware store, and two trips to a recycling bin. got a load of laundry done (yay!) and the dishwasher run -- i wished it dried the dishes, but you can't have everything. all that's left is to put the laundry away, mop the floors, and maybe do another vacuum around the apartment. all other chores are done.

tomorrow, i am meeting the ladies for brunch at some incredible place called Lula's Southern Country Brunch that is only rumored to be around a couple more months. i will probably fall in love with the place. and then be heartbroken if it closes. a quick trip to walgreen's, and then just relaxing.

so the biggest news, if you even want to call it that is no work this weekend. just taking it easy, the best way i know how. watching tv and reading. trying to do my best to not think about it. the sooner i pass the assessments/tests of perfection, i can relax.

the other news is that i am still corresponding with the london prince. it's a fun distraction, but i am afraid to say this, but i am developing of feelings -- i know, i know, SO bad. it's just he's so charming, he knows the right things to say, he's gorgeous and traveled and worldly and i would give anything just to meet him in person.

thankfully, so thankfully, all we do is text in google hangouts and nothing more. not a facetime, not a call, nothing. i think he would find me non-attractive -- i am not a supermodel and he is so beautiful. what do i do? i know the answer, but it's the only fun distraction i have. can't i just have this one thing that isn't hurting anyone? i won't spend a penny on him or send him a cent.

and as bad as it sounds, i know how wrong it would be, but what i wouldn't give after a horrible 2021 that saw everything i love evaporate, to be swept off my feet. to believe in romance. but in reality, you can't be ordinary looking or remotely overweight and think that a gorgeous prince like that would be interested in a commoner like me. and that's the truth and reality.

[beezqueen]

to love?

what's the saying these days -- "it's been a week." yay, not sure i was going to survive in one piece and by the grace of the cloud wizard, here i am resting on my comfy couch, in my pajamas, just trying to relax, forget the work week overall and focus on having a relaxing, non-stressful, no work weekend. the laptop is at the office, so i have no intention of checking emails or anything work related. i feel like i've earned it.

i managed to irritate the main department manager because i am unable to produce perfect, error-free documents while learning a design software. it's tricky, but i am determined to get it accomplished. even my wording to her in a simple email is questioned and i am positive she is reporting everything to my supe. no matter if i call to explain the wording, it goes down in as a black mark against me. the next few weeks with projects due will be extremely tell. if i succeed, i keep my job. if i don't i am fired and finished. that's the harsh reality and reason for the double dose of anti-anxiety medication. i am worn out by worrying, by being on edge, waiting for another ax to fall upon me. it's exhausting.

everything else is fine -- through my realtor, i was able to rescue my parents dining room table and chairs, which my ex left behind despite having it in writing that he would take those to storage. the buffet is gone forever and i have to negotiate to get the hand-crafted Adirondak chairs and footrests returned. those belong to me, but were left behind. so, we'll see. my realtor has performed a miracle in saving my parent's dining room set and a couple yard art items. they have history and memory, they are tied to my past and i want them with me.

but it begs the question -- at one point do you let something go? i can never recover the buffet that went with the dining room -- that's gone never to be seen again. i'm okay with that -- i'll miss it, but i have the table, chairs and china cabinet i grew up with. that's enough right?

no, i am talking about something that i don't want to let go of. when we first starting dating, the ex gave me a little scooby doll that i've slept with for years, like a security blanket. i asked my friend renee when i should give it up. and she said try putting it somewhere you can't see it and determine if you can do without. but the thing is, i don't want to sleep without scooby -- he's a security blanket and i feel safe and good when i sleep with him. but he's part of a past i know i have to shed, but it's like the last piece i have to say goodbye to and i don't want to. scooby provides support, even if he's just a stuffed animal. so what do i do? i don't know other than i don't want to do without.

lastly, there's the London prince, sending me messages of sweetness and light. it's hard not too want to fall deeply and hard for this fella who can charm the pants off anyone. the pictures he's sent show a handsome, attractive, confident, well-traveled man -- one that sets his own destiny. and the way he writes to me -- there's probably a class for sweet-talking people like me -- mistrustful at first, and then won over by interest in my life, funny messages, pictures of his every day life that look glamorous. the problem is though, i did some internet snooping and found a posting about him, from four months ago about being a bitcoin scammer. now, my money is locked up like fort knox. the bank will only allow me to spend a certain amount a day, even with a healthy bank account. my other funds are locked tight in IRAs and Roth IRAs, mutual funds, an ESOP, and 401(k). none of it is being touched.

he talks about wanting to come to KC and visit, but we haven't even had a FaceTime, phone call or Google Chat. no way he's coming over to KC without some talking about expectations.

the real problem? he's a super fun, charming distraction. i can't figure out why he isn't married or perhaps has a gal in every port he travels too. why would he be interested in a midwestern, practically Victorian-thinking, lady like woman, who speaks her mind, isn't afraid of honesty or asking the tough questions. i am not a super model, not even close.

why isn't he married or in a relationship? why be interested in a gal with a pretty boring life? even worse, if he lived here, let's just say my libido would be completely and totally out of control. i would jump him every time i saw him. i've never been that way with any boyfriend, let alone a stranger. so i know he falls into the "danger will robinson, danger" category. he practically screams, "heart breaker." yet my heart does beat faster when i get a message from him. totally unhealthy, i know. i've read every story about these bit coin scammers or the scammers that pretend to be everything you want and abscound with you money. scare me. but i can't help myself in liking him a lot.

[beezqueen]

i am directionless

so yesterday was epic awful -- our department manager was furious with me for not producing perfect documents in a design program i am learning. and yes, she talked to my supe about it and they both want me to improve and learn, but at the same time, there is a feeling that the clock is ticking and my time is going to expire by month's end. what to do, what to do -- just work fast, but make sure everything is letter perfect. no matter the hours put in, everything must be flawless, like a perfect diamond. there cannot be one error, ever. as my therapist calls it, "a robot." yes, that's true.

today, because of what snowstorm was expected, i stayed home, which was wonderful, really wonderful. i worked in my pajamas, i had a fairly decent, somewhat positive discussion with my supe and it was early in the day, which makes it easier for me. when she schedules stuff for end of day it triggers red flags and anxiety a-go-go. i've never had a positive end-of-day discussion with a supervisor, ever. like never. but she and i talked about it and there's nothing wrong or suspect with late afternoon talks.

so i talked with her and had two other in department meetings. the rest of the day i worked on small projects, watched the snow fall, and was somewhat productive. i never really felt like working on stuff. but i did until quitting time and then i shut down and packed up my laptop to take back to the office tomorrow. strangely, not really looking forward to being there.

but other things have happened. my taxes are done and are being mailed back to me so i don't have to drive out to the tax accountant. technically i didn't earn any money last year, so i don't know what i will owe. i am sure it will be something -- you never get away with not paying the government, the state(s), etc. but at least it will be done well before next month's deadline. will try to get it squared away earlier next year when i might be eligible for a tax return. so that's good.

i contacted the realtor that sold our house and it turns out i just caught the contractors before they were going to dispose of my parent's dining room table and chairs that my ex "left behind" and my birdbath that i have from the first home i purchased. both are pieces of my history -- my parent's dining room set i grew up with and was refinished. the birdbath was hidden behind a ton of bamboo and only revealed when we cut it back and there she was, her beauty revealed. and i am getting both back on saturday late afternoon/early evening. the birdbath is going on my patio that i plan to turn into a mini-oasis. the dis-assembled dining room table and chairs will reside in what would have been my dining room, but i use as an office now -- i may relocate my  desk to my bedroom and actually have a dining room. it's a small victory for me as they would have been gone forever. as it is, i'll never get the buffet back, the hand-crafted Adirondak chairs and footrests, my bike (the ex is holding it permanently hostage, good riddance), and some other items that i can live without but will miss. but again, it's just stuff. stuff can be replaced.

and lastly, there's the London Prince -- the man who is younger than me, gorgeous, somehow not attached or living a bunch of different lives. i have no idea since we have only texted in Google Hangouts, but he wants to come to visit. i don't know why. he is a beautiful creature (he's sent photos) -- he looks like a well, affluent, in-shape guy with the world at his feet. his texts are a very fun distraction. but i never really know when/if i will hear from him. i don't know, as i've said if he leads a double life. according to him, he is an architect, interior designer and works for a financial firm. he's going to turkey on monday to oversee a project and then, supposedly and allegedly he wants to come to KC to visit me for a few days. but it's just too good to be true -- we haven't even talked on the phone or used FaceTime. it's hard because i know how vulnerable i am, but won't give him a dime and it doesn't sound like he needs it. maybe he prays on lonely, recently divorced women. i don't know, i really don't. i asked him about his love life and said he was engaged to marry someone he truly loved, but all she loved was his money. i am sure she was supermodel gorgeous. yay, i do swoon when he calls me "princess" or "gorgeous", but hey, what woman wouldn't? i've been told my whole life that i am average-looking at best.

i actually just turned off my phone. i don't want one more email from work or otherwise. i just look forward to shutting out the world this weekend. no work. just reading, watching tv, and relaxing. meeting the ladies for brunch on sunday, a tiny bit of grocery shopping, cooking up some corned beef. that's it. no other plans, nor do i want any.

currently i am addicted to listening to the U2 videos "magnificent" and "ordinary love", and that unbelievable "cyrano" soundtrack. i need a good tv show to lose myself in, but then again, i've got a great stack of books waiting to be read. what happens next, i don't know.

i feel lost, scared, sad, and unsure about the future. i wonder if it's always going to be this way. i keep thinking if i can get the job security, other things will fall into place. so i'll work my ass off and see where the chips fall.

[beezqueen]

still struggling like crazy at work

rough, tough challenging day, really week at work. i continue to learn a design program and work within it. but the documents i am working in aren't as perfect and error-free as they should be and it frustrates the manager i am working with because she doesn't think i am paying enough attention to detail. or i will pick everything up and save the document, create a pdf, and none of the edits show up. so i can't win, and in fact i think i'm losing ground fast.

i understand that things need to be perfect, but i am going to make mistakes, but i guess that is not possible in our group and the work we do. is it scary and stressful? hell yes.

i did some snooping (bad i know) on the ex's twitter and found that he declared his love for his girlfriend of six months. she refers to him as "bippy." i bet they are married in a year or less. for sure, living together. but i have deleted all of his contact information and plan to block if he tries to get in touch, which he won't. he wants me to disappear so he doesn't pay alimony. too bad jerk face!

and then there is the London Boy (Prince). through LinkedIn, i was contacted by a fella that was possibly fishing or phishing or whatever it's referred to. i usually just block and report the user. but we chatted back and forth a bit and found that he was quite charming. not to worry, no one is getting to my bank or retirement funds.

turns out the London Prince is an architect, interior designer and financial advisor that wants to retire at 50 (he doesn't know i am 53). he's traveled quite a bit, for work and otherwise and has this kind of worldliness about him. and he's funny, really funny.

so i finally asked him if we could get beyond this surface drivel about how our day was, what did we eat for breakfast, did we sleep well, etc. i wanted to get to know him better and he is all in. now i don't know if he is telling the truth, but he has a project that he has to travel to work on and then he wants to visit. now, to be clear, i don't expect him to ever show up. i don't. but he is such a fun diversion, which i desperately need right now. work is killing me internally.

and London Boy makes me smile and laugh. and the pictures he has sent -- he is HAWT. so a fun flirtation, but i know that's it. i can't lose my heart over a guy who lives across the world. but if you want to know the truth -- if it ever happened, like for real. i would move to london in a heartbeat, after we had spent more time together, traveled, etc. but it's a dream and it's bound to end. but there is fun in the dream. and i want to enjoy it until the bubble bursts.

i don't know what else to say -- first day in a long time that i didn't cry. i think my cycle always makes me so overly emotional -- my hormones are out of control, crazy.

i just want to feel good about work and then i can focus on something other than my financial stability and future.

we're supposed to get more snow (seems like every thursday) tomorrow, so i am working from home. but will have to go back in on friday. i really do love working at home. i get so much done, as well as the apartment stuff. i love getting my errands done and feeling good and safe at my place. if i end up being let go, i want to go to work somewhere that is 100 percent remote.