The Road to Self-Discovery, x MM
Understanding one’s sexuality can be very in depth and confusing. My journey to discovering my true sexuality has been long.
My first sexual experiences were with men. I had boyfriends and started having sex with men in my early teens. I never changed or suppressed my masculinity. It always seemed very hard to do. My masculinity was the one thing I was sure of and always felt I had to protect. At 17, I decided to explore the idea of bisexuality. I never owned that title. As I started dating and having relationships with women, I felt very ashamed to be open about my relationships with men. I went years being on the downlow. I was a classic case of a brother being in an environment that—to me—didn’t seem too "gay friendly" toward men. To this day, I haven't met many Black men who are open about their bisexuality.
This changed in my late 20s when I met a man that helped me realize my true sexuality. Our connection was very intense and pure. By this time, I had gained enough sexual and life experience to compare and know what was more natural and comfortable in my life.
I transitioned to male 3 years ago and, since transitioning, have chosen to be open about my sexuality and feel more comfortable dating men.
Currently, I am in a relationship with a cisgender gay man that I fell in love with last year. Before me, he had never dated a trans man. I never thought that I would have a connection with a cis-man mainly because of being trans, but it has actually been a very beautiful journey. He has more experience being "out" than me. I admire his openness and freedom. Both have helped me in my personal journey and make me feel very secure with him.
I feel as though Black men have to be in a box when it comes to our sexual preferences and sexuality. That environment plays a huge part on our social experiences. The more comfortable I was in my own existence, the more I found the connection with my sexuality. Today, I am very happy that I had the opportunity to identify as bisexual because those were the years I explored. I am now a 32-year-old Black, masculine gay man. I like to identify as a man of non-traditional experience. I am a trans man and secure with my partner, my gender, and my sexuality.
--MM
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