behindtheredblazer

Welcome to my life blog! My name is behindtheredblazer. Life as I know it. Stay young, stay foolish. And holding nothing back.

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Good morning everyone! Cherry blossoms in the spring in Paris! You're Welcome!

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In life, there are lovers and haters. Lovers are your peeps and your support system; the people you run to crying of sadness and happiness. Then, there are the haters; people who go out of their way to lie and make your life horrible. Yes, I have heard time and time again that you should take these people out of your life but it's not that easy. Somehow, every time, they are either your coworker, a classmate, a friend of a friend. or many sometimes even your spouse. Now the whole spouse issue needs a WHOLE another post to address. But I'll talk about the haters that aren't in your inner circle of friends but are close enough to you that you can't get rid of them for one reason or another but yet, they can (and often) ruin your day. I mean, people seriously need to get a life and worry about their own problems instead of making quirky, little passive aggressive comments about other people's lives. Whether you are a bystander to this or you were the victim, it makes a great day into a crappy one real fast. So to all the passive aggressive people out there, stop with your fake laugh and trying to be nice; cause it doesn't look good on you. Hate to break this to all you beautiful people who have yet to meet people like this, but yes, they do exist. This isn't even my angry rant; this is my rant after having a week to calm down. And it's not one particular person or group either because these type of people just seem to be popping up out of nowhere... on a daily.

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The thing I fear doing most is thinking about the past. So when people ask me about my past, I cringe at the thought. I don't like digging up what is already history. Yes, it is true that it was my past successes and failures that have made me the person I am today BUT at the same time, it is the present that have made me mighty and strong. So to all you people out there (lovers and haters), do us both a favor and just get to know me for the person I am today, not the person I was yesterday, last month or last year. Cause that person does not exist in the present, that person only existed in the past. So if you decide to fall in love with the person I was yesterday, I will show you no mercy and kick you out the door. TRUTH!

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My ex's twitter page is the funniest thing ever to read. Now that we're not together, I'm no longer jealous just laughing :P

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Thinking of you today...

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There is no shame in the wake of greatness.

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Today I went on my ex's YouTube page. I don't know why; I am sure that I do not miss him or anything. He's history; if I know anything, I know that. He's a pianist and that's a big part of why I fell for him so quickly in the beginning. I fell in love with his music and the way he plays the piano like no one else. The way he used to play for me all the time because he knew that out of all the material goods in the world, I wanted nothing more than to hear him play. Let's not get too sappy or sentimental. So as I scroll through his uploads, I realize he has posted a new performance piece. I was quite surprised by this because he hasn't posted a new video of him playing in a long time... over a year, I believe. Of course, I click on it and watch him play. It was brilliant, no surprise there. But watching it this time was different. The last time I watched one of his performances was when he performed for me. And now I was watching as a piano enthusiast and not as his other half. The feeling was quite foreign to me. I didn't really know how to react. We don't hate each other but we don't keep in touch anymore. I used to miss that... our conversations or just simply keeping in touch. But not anymore. I realize that it's much better that we don't know what's going on in each other's lives. Because what we were could break my heart over and over again if I let it happen. It was one of those intense loves that can't be described but only felt. Ones that swallowed us whole. Ones that feel like an eternity and yet like a fleeting train. So I watched his latest performance on YouTube tonight. As your fingers danced across the piano, I couldn't comprehend what I was doing and yet I watched till the end...and then watched it again. You have moved on with your life and I have moved on with mine. But tonight by watching you perform again, I truly discovered that splitting up was the best decision that we both made in a long time. I don't really understand this thing we call love. How is it possible to love someone so much that my heart felt like it would beat out of my chest and I would get butterflies in my stomach? I don't know why I watched your video; I don't know what it all means. But if our paths should cross again, I hope you'll still be playing the piano because you really have a gift sent from God. You may be reading this or you may never bring yourself to open this page on your browser ever again. But if you decide to, know this, when it comes to your music I have been and always will be your number one fan. By the way, the way you smiled at the end of your piece was so fake; just like old times, I can see right through you.

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Today I talked to an old friend of mine to catch up. I was so shocked by the realization that we had drifted apart as people. I still value her opinions, concerns, thoughts and comments but something in me just didn't feel right after our conversation. I felt uncomfortable. We used to be on the same page about most things but now I feel like she is only judging my life. The worst part is that when she judges people, it isn't through her words but her actions. She makes this face and then says "okay". I don't even think she realizes when she does that. I have been working on bettering myself (and am actually doing well), then she comes along and wrecks everything. It's because she has the power to wreck everything. We've known each other since we were in elementary school and have been friends ever since. But as our lives take us to different places in the world, we are becoming two completely different people. I can't say that I miss the old "us" but I am definitely not fond of the new "us"....I think I just need to distance myself from her for a while. That should be easy because we live in separate parts of the world but I am sadden by the realization that we live two very different lives and don't share the same opinions on many topics anymore. It's hard to let go of people who have been such a large part of my upbringing and childhood but sometimes what is best is to let the past stay in the past and just reminisce on the happy moments shared. What is worst than breaking up with a significant other is breaking up with a long time best friend. But I have to do what is best for me and keep the people who will boost me up around me. Everyone else can be shown the door. (For once, I am taking a stand and doing something good for myself.)

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Learn to let things go...

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It's crazy how you can look at someone and your whole life feels like it starts again. NEW. FRESH. FROM THE BEGINNING.

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I thought I would crumble without you for so long. But I realize now that I'm better without you.

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I'm seriously the most extreme person EVER!

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There's something so amazing about a guy that doesn't swear at me or even incorporates it in the conversation

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If you fall asleep down by the water, I'll carry you home!

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Don't let the fear of losing someone in your life, if you know they aren't good for you. Because losing someone just means that you'll meet someone better and he's probably right around the corner.

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New chapter

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I can never find what I'm looking for, but I can always find what I'm not looking for, both in my closet and in life :(