Being Dr Eeyore

Psychiatrist. Reformed hopeless romantic.

[sceptixfakemon]

this heatwave fucking sucks how am I going to serve my liege like this

[sceptixfakemon]

im never leaving this hellsite

[sceptixfakemon]

i swear if this is the second stupid sword picture post i make that gets to 10k i'll just go kill someone

[sceptixfakemon]

FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!

[beingdreeyore]

During a bout of insomnia I discovered Unexpected and I cannot look away.

What is this show.

[beingdreeyore]

Visiting the family for Dad's 70th. It's amusing to me to see everything through older and wiser eyes. For years the narrative in the family was that I was the lazy and selfish one. I never really understood where it came from, but through therapy and getting older I made peace with it.

So imagine how it felt to hear my brother admit that he doesn't even know where the cutlery is kept since my parents renovated their kitchen (post-flood necessity) 18 months ago.

He eats here at least once a week every single week. I've been here twice since then.

There's no anger or resentment, just amusement at how people can shape a narrative to whatever fits their needs at the time.

Try the cutlery drawer. They're pretty easy to find if your eyes are open.

[beingdreeyore]

I messaged J recently.

I know. Naughty, S.

My stepmum had asked for us to send her photos of ourselves for something for Dad’s 70th. I got lost down a rabbithole and found all these screenshots I’d taken of our texts.

What stood out to me wasn’t the controversial stuff. The reality was that the stuff I saved was the friendship stuff. I doubt I recognised that in real time, but with the gift of hindsight it was right there.

Seeing the friendship stuff, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the friendship aspect. And I sent a message.

Then the next day I came to my senses and deleted it and embarked of a course of self-chastising and was dumbfounded by my own stupidity.

It’s interesting to reflect though on the significant difference between the two scenarios.

[beingdreeyore]

Meeting of the scorned ex-girlfriend’s club this morning.

That’s not actually what we are called. We don’t have a name. But I’m calling us that anyway.

S the ex has court in the next month or two facing 9 charges, at last count. Maybe there actually will be a reckoning? He deserves nothing less.

The best thing to come out of my fucked up relationship with him is the bond I’ve formed with these women. They’ve all met and are in regular contact now. I’ve been contemplating a trip overseas to be able to meet them too. Maybe it will help heal the last part of me that runs in fear when a man shows genuine interest…?

I hate what he has done to each of us but love that we found each other in the chaos.

[beingdreeyore]

Went to the GP with a fairly good idea of what was going on in my body, but a desire to stay in denial.

Left with hormone replacement therapy.

She was having none of my denial and avoidance today.

[beingdreeyore]

Another day working from home. It's not even 7am and I've already done a load of washing, put on a beef goulash on to simmer away until work is done because it's cold and rainy and I want comfort food that isn't carbs, and I've been to the gym. Leg day, of all things.

I'm now slowly sipping a coffee (despite vowing several times to stop drinking caffeine once I start working from home...) and shopping for clothes I don't need and can't afford. The only thing I haven't done is the sheets because I'm not sure how good Zoom is at blocking out the sound of the dryer...

Friday is usually my day off but I'm not even mad. Could easily start every day this way. If only...

[beingdreeyore]

Also, I paid to get the old furniture picked up taken away to a place that breaks it all down into parts and then recycles everything. They don't quote you until they rock up to collect it, so you're kind of stuck if you don't say yes.

The boys were great and I can't fault them, but it cost more to have the couch taken away and recycled than what I bought it for.

How.

[beingdreeyore]

The furniture is here! And I'm obsessed!

After an initial "oh god, what have I done?! How is this all going to fit?!" It actually did fit and I was able to relax.

For the first time in 7 years I have a dining table. The pole didn't survive the flood last year, but I just never got around to buying a table...

The excitement of eating at a table and being able to relax on a couch that doesn't collapse when I sit down.

[beingdreeyore]

Currently lying on the floor of my apartment to drink my morning coffee because the furniture hasn't arrived yet.

My back is way too old for this.

[beingdreeyore]

Stuff & Things

It's been awhile since I did one of these. Years, perhaps. But here goes... And I'll probably ramble so I get it if no one reads it...

I have started the new job and I have met the most incredible bunch of female patients. I don't know what it is that has attracted these women to our tiny little clinic, but every woman I've seen has been so accomplished and so impressive despite what life has thrown at her and I am just in awe of them

I remember clearly once saying as a medical student "I just want a job where I can wear jeans to work every day." Which is odd. I'm a chubby hourglass, so I am not the figure you think of as rocking jeans. But I have stumbled into a job where I find myself doing exactly that and I am not complaining. I may not look my best, but I've never been so comfortable in my life

My gym anxiety is the lowest it's been in a long-time. It's like the experts are on to something when they talk about exposure therapy... But I go four days a week religiously and after six months at this gym I don't care what anyone thinks. It was a rocky road getting here, let me tell you

Something has happened that I never thought would happen: I am the problem on the dating app. I know. And I'm serious. I just can't quite motivate myself to reply to these men... I don't care. But not in an arrogant way. More so that I've yet to see anything that makes me tempted to risk disrupting my peace. So I have to force myself to be polite and reply. They're getting annoyed with me... But again, I don't really care... I do very much miss sex though, but not enough to roll the dice on replying to a guy who the most he is bringing to the table is "how was your weekend" every single Monday...

I've had ADHD all my life (diagnosed about 9? Or 8? I don't know. I didn't care enough at the time to log it as a core memory). For the most part I have relied on supports and structure to manage it without anyone noticing (except every boss who has raised the issue of me never reading a single email I have ever been sent and complaining about me mostly running on vibes and anxiety...). But perimenopause is doing a number on me. I keep reminding myself there are no RCTs that can prove/confirm that ADHD worsens when oestrogen changes, but f*&^ me I'd argue pretty strongly it's a thing

I am finally getting new furniture!!!! I moved into this tiny shoebox studio during covid 2020 and I purchased the first couch etc I saw that could be delivered overnight. The result was a pretty cool-looking but structurally-compromised piece of crap that J and I broke one night and that has somehow stained the wall with a lovely blue smudge thanks to it's cheap blue dye... But tomorrow, for the first time since I separated from T way back in 2009, I will have real, adult, properly priced, all-my-own couch. I'm so excited to sit on a couch that doesn't give me back pain! Next on my shopping list is a new mattress. But the anxiety that rears it's ugly head just at the thought of picking a new one...

I might be purchasing a holiday apartment down the road from The Rents place. I don't know. Maybe as a place for me to go or maybe to AirBnB. Probably mostly so that I have a place to go as they continue to age and my trips home get more frequent. I could telehealth from there pretty easily while staring out my window at the ocean. It's nothing special, but to highlight the madness that is living in this city, it's twice the size of where I am now and a quarter of the price. And it's beachfront. A five minute walk from Dad's. My parents have been handling all the inspection etc because they learned the last time I purchased property that I do not read the fine print, or pay attention to the details, and I mostly run on vibes (refer to earlier point about ADHD that is mostly really well-hidden). That the repayments on the mortgage + the building corporation fees are less than the rent I pay in the city is just madness

Otherwise, all is much the same in my world. I gym, I knit, I dance, and I chase things that make me feel calm. Regularly I reflect on the fact that I don't recognise the woman I was when I began psychiatry and I definitely don't know that girl who fell for S the ex and his charm... I'm the most content (even though I'm stressed) that I've ever been.

And it is a very nice place to be.

[beingdreeyore]

3 dance classes and 4 gym sessions in a week wouldn't have been a lot for me, once upon a time. This morning though, I am definitely paying for it.

It has been the longest and slowest rebuild, so it's nice to just be able to say I got through it without dying. Very grateful for my coach today.

[seasonalserotonin]

[beingdreeyore]

It's been forever (literally, years) since I last did 2 dance classes in a week. Crazy of me to think then that three would be fine. But here we are...

[beingdreeyore]

I resigned.

Hopefully they’re a workplace that handles these things well…

[beingdreeyore]

I'm falling in love with dancing again.

I'm making peace with my body not looking or moving the same. People film me and I just let it go now - I'm going to look ridiculous on the 'gram and there's nothing I can do about it. And that has to be okay because that's how people are these days. They have to film everything. Every moment gets captured to the extent that they miss the whole point of the activity. I can keep fighting it or I can make peace with it and be back out in the world.

Dancing has changed so much. When I started, people wore gym gear to the strip style dance classes. Now, everyone is in the most revealing lingerie and then posting it on the internet. I sound like the cranky old man shaking his fist at the kids on his lawn, I know, but I do wonder what the cost is going to be. Because there's always a cost when the norm changes. There can be improvements, sure, but few things in life don't come with tradeoffs.

So I hide up in the back corner in my gym gear. My phone is turned off and in my bag. And I just dance. Badly. Sure. But it still counts as dancing. Given how long I've been doing this now and how I've already seen the culture and people change so much, I'm sure I'll be around long after the next change and when the latest group of people have lost interest.

This is just the nature of the activity. And my options are to make peace with it or to accept that I can't change and walk away. I just want to dance. So acceptance has to be it.

[beingdreeyore]

I think I’m actually about to fully resign and make a complete switch to the new place… As someone who doesn’t take risks with employment this is a big deal.

Turning it over in my mind since Friday though and with each day it’s feeling more and more like the right choice.

Fingers crossed…