Being Ms. Amanda

HRT since 7.25.18. Lost my transition journal, thought I would make a new one.

[beingmsamanda]

Happy woman's day to everyone.

You are all wonderful, and valid, and deserve to be happy for who you are.... because you know who you are.

I know that I haven't been posting here. But life has become wonderful, and the superstitious part of me doesn't like to talk about. But I'm happy, and I found my love. She has shown me how wonderful life can be, And how something simple like happiness and love can just change everything.

Be strong and be well

[beingmsamanda]

Happy Christmas

[beingmsamanda]

Today marks The two year anniversary of starting hormone replacement therapy. The time has gone by so fast, I can't believe how far I've come. And how different I am from that person in the first picture.

[beingmsamanda]

I know I haven't been posting on here much lately, life has gotten really good.... Exciting really good. And the part of me that is superstitious just wants to keep it private. But I have been really happy

And I got a new tattoo on the weekend... Amanda means worthy of love

[beingmsamanda]

It's been a really lovely Saturday. I was able to get all made up and go out for lunch, with some very wonderful company. I'm genuinely trying to be happy and positive right now. I might have a reason to be.

[beingmsamanda]

Yesterday was a very nice day.

I'm trying not to jinx myself. But I had been feeling very happy. And it was nice to have a reason to get all made up.

[beingmsamanda]

It has been a ruff week, I'm so glad it's over.

Work has had me stressed out, and that stress is making my thoughts negative. I am really trying to keep that in control, its been hard.

Then to close the week off, yesterday I kept getting misgendered. once at the store, and then 4 times on the phone at work. I have not been misgendered in such a long time, I forgot how much it hurts. At a point I wanted to run and hide.

But it's sunny and lovely today, I kinda want to go dress shopping! Have some fun.

[beingmsamanda]

It's been a rather exciting few days

On Sunday I went on my first real date as Amanda. I had been matched with another trans woman on Saturday night. We started talking very quickly, and went on a lunch date. It was lovely, we went out for Chinese food and walked around a park.

I have messaged her since Sunday, but haven't had a response. I not the best at dating, and nothing might come from our date. But I feel I have grown a bit.... And that's exciting.

[beingmsamanda]

Yesterday they eased a lot of the quarantine restrictions in Illinois. Today was my first time going out under the new rules. And I can honestly say, that I don't think I'm ready yet to really venture out fully. I went to DSW, as I really want some light summery heels.... And I felt so anxious and uncomfortable. There weren't even very many people in the store, I had my mask on and kept my distance from others, I felt so relieved to leave the store.I guess it will just take time.

I was so happy to do my makeup today, it was so relaxing and fun. I miss doing it everyday.

[beingmsamanda]

It's going to be lovely out today.

I can't wait to go out and feel the sun on my legs.

I was really stressed at work this week, and I am definitely glad to have a long weekend.

[beingmsamanda]

Today is the one-year anniversary of getting my name change.

Times moves so fast

I was so excited and nervous that day, but my mom and aunt came with to celebrate . It was a wonderful day.

[beingmsamanda]

I made this to cheer myself up today.

Day 1, year 1, and a couple days ago.

I was down today, and it's a nice reminder that things are indeed changing, and I'm not loosing progress when I feel bad for myself.

I was really disappointed today. I had broken a tooth just before quarantine. it didn't hurt, so I figured I would just have to wait till it was over to get it fixed. It started hurting on Friday night, and has been rather horrible. I made a few calls and found a dentist that could see me today. I don't like the dentist, but was ready to go it fixed. During the visit today, they said they weren't able to pull the tooth as it's so broken, and I need an oral surgeon. The only oral surgeon I can find open now, can take me in 3 weeks if quarantine lifts. So now I have to wait and keep talking pain killers. I really hate taking pain medication.

[beingmsamanda]

I felt beat up by work today.

We keep asking them for information, but they still can't get us what we need. This project starts soon, I feel kinda desperate... I really want to succeed.

But I felt cute today, and I picked up chicken nuggets so that helped.

[beingmsamanda]

This morning was really hard.

I received a snapchat friend request from my Ex.

I had been really lonely the past few days, and had been thinking about my Ex, and was crying over him on Friday. This new friend request was something I really didn't need.

I thought about accepting it, but I can't forgive him for hurting me. I have tried but I can't.

There is still part of me that cares for him, that loves him. But he makes me hate myself, makes me feel like I'm losing myself to him, and the sway he has over me and my feelings.

I'm trying to get over him, I wish he would just go away.... Please go away.

He's not worth my tears anymore.

[beingmsamanda]

So far being on this new team at work is okay. It is very strange starting a new job while working at home. I'm sure it will get easier when we can actually get together.... But one of the other women on the team, says she recognizes me from the office . So that helps with some of my nerves of being around new people. I hope everyone else will be as kind.

[beingmsamanda]

Today is my last day, being on my current team at work. Monday is a new team and new people. I am kind of nervous.

The people I worked with were the ones that started letting me transition in the office.They let Amanda come to work. They looked out for me, let me go to the doctor, and genuinely cared for me. I will miss them, I owe them a lot.

But my best friend / work sister is coming with me. I'm so grateful for her, and that we will be together. I know with her I will get through whatever this is.

I am excited for when we finally get to go to the office. I need to set the standard and dress very loud.... Hehe

[beingmsamanda]

It seems they are making changes at work, and I am going to be moved to a new team in a couple of weeks. I'm nervous of the change. But management is trying to look after me, and moving me now is apparently easier. As long as I stay employed . My bosses are saying my work sister /best friend is going to be moving with me. But she seems reluctant to do so. I know I can't always work with her, but seeing her everyday really helps keep me together...who knows.

My emotions have been really up and down the past couple of days. I was weepy and body-conscious yesterday. This morning I was on the verge of tears worrying about my friend, even though nothing was wrong.