Okay, so I usually try to like, not devolve into ten page rants on my RP blogs but here I am devolving into a rant. For the convenience of your Dashboard, I shall place it under the cut.
So, in case you donât know (And you probably donât seeing as, while I casually mention how freaking unhealthy I am very often I donât mention the specifics as much) I have a very long laundry list of health problems including, but not limited to, a Chiari Malformation, Severe Asthma, Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, Â Dysautonomia (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), Sjogrenâs Syndrome, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and Fibromyalgia. This is, as you may gather, very bad.
However, I also have Anxiety so bad that from the time I was about 5 I started having terrible insomnia, and Iâve woken up screaming from night terrors when I do sleep for even longer. Â I also have to wear gloves, because while Iâm asleep I physically scratch all the skin off various parts of my body, causing it to scab over and bleed randomly, hurt horribly, and then scar. Thatâs not mentioning the depression and the hypergraphia (Basically I literally cannot control the urge to write. Itâs a symptom of the temporal lobe epilepsy. Iâm getting a lot better with this one....I no longer cut my skin open and use my blood to write when I canât find a pen). Basically, I am very, very, very, messed up.
Despite this, I am still the one who is told to âSuck it upâ while they baby my younger sister. I am the one who has to hold her and tell her âit will be okayâ when she has a nightmare, even while I am sitting there fucking crying because itâs one in the morning and I havenât slept in three days.Â
When sheâs sitting there scared in a pile of animals she promised she would take care of (But never does) and being babied because she constantly asks for attention and always gets it, I am writhing in pain on the ground because Iâm out of pain meds.
And, I know itâs my fault. Iâm the one telling everyone to put her above me. Iâm the one who puts her comfort above my wellbeing. But at the same time I am so sick and tired of being strong.Â
I am sick and tired of being the one who tells everyone else âIt will be okay.â
But, I guess, most of all,
I am sick and tired of being fucking sick and tired.
titsay
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
kianamaiart
amandla
theartofmadeline
pixelskylines
romaincrisis
snowghoul
