More Dead Than More Alive.

Just a 28 year old who struggled through life. My problems used to hide in numbers that left when I gagged and heaved. I weighed out every option, the scale's not fit for advice. Medical language won't ever help you change this. And as a RN, BSN I can confirm this.I used to be ‘prettyandhurting’ I’m working on changing myself. This blog has always been my safe space to vent out my thoughts since high school. I tried to change it to a "positive recovery" blog. But I'm scrapping that and keeping it all entirely personal."Do you believe in something beautiful? Then get up and be it." My ThoughtsA collection of my text posts with a mixture of my favorite quotes. aka the best way I ventInpatient StayCollection of journal entries, quotes, etc. from my 2 month inpatient stay

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

Today

I am better off without you.

I am fine.

We both know it.

I am better off without you, in his arms I’m sleeping soundly. Dreaming in the arms of someone who, cares a lot about me. We know I’m better without you…

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

I hope

I’ll be fine.

We both know it.

You keep on growing..

I hope you’re better off without me, in her arms, you’re sleeping soundly, dreaming in the arms of someone new, I hope you’re better without me ✌🏻

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

Describe your experiences with independence and decision making.

Since I was a young age, my mom let me decide for myself. With two older brothers I often felt "forgotten", but I don't think that was it. I think it was more my mom and dad felt comfortable in their ability to raise a child. In third grade (approximate) my mom would tell me, "you don't have to do your homework, I won't check. But if you don't, then you handle those consequences". I lived life that way, sorta like a motto. "Do what you want, but live with your own consequences".

Back to third grade me. I continued onwards, and (spoiler alert, did all the homework), followed all of my brothers foot steps. I got a job where they got a job at 16 to buy my own car by 17.

1...2...skip a few. I met my boyfriend, who I think my parents imagined for my life. I did too. 1..2..3..skip a few...that's how many girls he got into bed with.

I haven't healed fully from this,

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

Everything.

I am not her.

I am not who you envisioned . I am not who you want.

I am the girl who is underappreciated.

Overlookedc

BUT: I know who I am now. I’m not the best. Anyone can do better...

But  I will be by you. There are things I tremble at I won’t admit,| so don’t admit your all to me. Just give your life and honesty to me from here.

I have so much pain. If you saw it you’d leave,

I’d rather be poor & starving than let you see me be vulnerable.

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

The world taught me angst when I deserved joy. Now I'm breaking down as I struggle to breathe 'cause I believe in a god who won't believe in me. I stand in front of the mirror and look at myself and I don't make a sound but my eyes scream out "help." And I start to struggle to hold myself back from thrusting my head straight through the fucking glass.

Front Porch Step

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

Let’s talk about....how much we want to kill him (jokingly of course)

How he sends your family well wishes and makes your mom say “aw he is so sweet”

Then let’s skip a day forward and read the “I had a threesome text about you, want to set that up?” Let’s talk about how he tricked you into coming over to talk about storage options to just pin you down and try to take advantage of you. While you cried. Let’s talk about how he disregarded his girlfriend, and you spit words about how you loved who you were with. Let’s talk about how he says you’re abusive. But he always held you down or restrained you and you just struggled or said no and fought for your freedom. And he blamed it on substance abuse, but he always made his apparent. How you joke about it. But you’re proud you kicked his knee in.

How he admitted to a close friend that he needed help. But I’m the bad guy?

Let’s talk about a breath of fresh air.

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

Dear Past Me,

I went back and read all your letters and they all ring true. Well here’s some advice for you. It does get better. It gets a lot better. And you will have bad days. You will have depressive days. Maybe that’s life, or maybe that’s just bipolar but as of this moment you have at least one person you can constantly rely upon to get you back to your feet.

I hate to say this. But this is also true. HE will constantly try to get you back....in bed... with him. But nothing more, so don’t fall it. You are better, you are doing better, and you have so much more to lose than to gain from it.

Know your worth. Keep striving forward. Apparently September 10th was bad? I can only think of one reason and it wouldn’t effect your entire day. So pick yourself up. Wipe yourself up, you won’t remember it. You’ll remember this past weekend and when it comes down to it, aren’t we better off? I don’t want to admit it still, so you don’t (obviously) but we were abused. We were in a bad situation. We are better off. There are better opportunities for you. There won’t be bad days. But you’ve faced worse. Chin up. Face forward.

Love, Future You

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

I say I hate you

Because I like you too much and it scares me.

I’m a cuddly person as it is,

But I hold on too tightly and cuddle too closely because I’m afraid it’ll be the last time.

I don’t trust you, but you’re right I don’t trust anything. And I used to.

It’s been proven that I can’t rely on words, but you never gave me words to rely on. And I appreciate that.

You keep it realistic. Simple.

Keep being you.

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

Hello it’s me again. I just wanted to express how much I like and appreciate you. I thought I was appreciated before, but I was wrong.

I had shirts ($60 ones but who keeps track) thrown at me and was told “why would I wear this”

For long distance I had custom bears and outfits made for an ex who pro-gamed. So I got punny shirts and a game controller and he left it with me. He said “this is stupid I don’t sleep with these” my language of giving and gifts was put down. I believed I was a bad gift giver.

Then Christmas came and it was proven. So Valentine’s Day I fuckin’ TRIED. I might’ve done too much but I really needed to show myself I exist, so I was selfish, but seeing your reaction? Seeing you stare at those controllers and how you showed your friends I…died inside. I would do it again. I felt over validated. I never had that feeling.

You made me feel like a person again. Like I could be worth it. In your arms I am, but that day, in your eyes I saw it.

He never posted about me. To me I always had to post us because it wouldn’t be done. And I gave that up, because honestly? I gave up. But you wanted to post us. It’s so simple and so stupid but meant the world.

Then you checked the photo with me and did. And I was breath taken. Is this normal? To me it’s not. I appreciate you in more ways than you know. You’re my second chance. My parents saw it before I did, but you really…really give me life and inspire me to do better by just being..you?

I don’t love you yet but I can.

I feel how much I can. And it’s slowly building and I’m just as scared as you. So I make fun of you. I’m not scared, I’m freakin effin terrified.

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

“Let me be an after, even if it’s not yours”

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

In your arms.

I am warm.

I am safe.

I forget the world.

When I’m with myself I can drift away. Without you I can’t? Like…what?

80 miles away or not you manage me. Your touch? Calms me. Your kiss? Soothes me. Your lips whisper “it’s alright” and I have no reason to but I believe it.

And I swore off believing. Swore off trying. Hell, I tried to stop living.

But you make me question if maybe I gave up too soon.

I don’t love you.

Yet.

But you’re the closest potential I have.

You give me comfort.

Hell you give me everything.

What do you see that I can not?

And how can I do the same?

I want to do the same.

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

The Perfect Day

October 26th, 2021 You are the reason this day. This date, is perfection to me. The way you hold me, perfection. The way you kiss me, perfection. The way you look at me, perfection. The way you treat me, perfection. You. Perfection.

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

Liking someone means that you start building up expectations and start depending on them, but it also means you can easily get hurt

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

Our Beginning

The sun graces grey scales, making them glint. Elegant. Conservative. The dragon sleepily lifts his head towards the sky in a slow mysterious manner. A cloud passes the over the sun, sending his world into darkness, yet again. The dragon huffs, resituates himself and places his head back down. How long had it been since he had been alone? How long since a human had stumbled upon him? You see despite misconceptions, the grey dragon is a loveable and social creature. But due to all the lore, few believe this. Adventurers are also few and fall between these days, which just leads to more time for the grey dragon to think up more ideas for quests, with no one to give them too. Tink. Tink. Tink. While deep in though the sound penetrates the dragon’s ears. It had not come from his collection of many treasures. No. This sounded more like a...pebble falling? But no one has visited in ages...could it be? Head raised in curiosity, neck careened, and thoughts racing a mile a minute the dragon looks toward his cave entrance. There hovers a being. Flower crown sits atop long flowing brunette hair, slim and small, an outfit resembling the forest, and wings going a mile a minute. It’s a friend! Thinks the dragon to himself. Little do either know what the future holds.

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

The night before we meet

My stomach is a flight with butterflies. I can feel them wanting to burst through. I can’t discern if it’s the excitement, or the anxiousness, or perhaps a bit of both. But I’m sure that by tomorrow I’ll be keeling over puking up a bouquet of cocoons for you. Now isn’t that sweet? Because I’m sure you’re going to cry, so I had to try and tip the scales a bit. By the time you read this I’ll have already jumped on you. I hope you caught me and held me up and twirled me around, just as you lifted my spirits every single day since I met you. Now I’m puking straight vomit because that was sickeningly sweet. I hope you kissed my cheek and caressed my hair. I hope you ate my food and it’s as good as all the photos I always sent of my platings. Imagine if we met by now and we hated each other and I went on my phone during the concert to delete this. I hope you like me in person as much as you liked me through my texts. I hope Addie adores me as much as I adore her. I wish the clocks went back tonight, so that we could slow this moment down. But you know what I hope the most? What I want you to promise me the most? Because I will make this promise to you? That we don’t ever, ever, ever go this long apart again. I love you the most best friend <3

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

Your hands create fireworks on my skin. They burn away the cold, and melt the bitterness I have towards myself. You show me I’m capable of love. That I have worth.

It gives me strength but also scares me to my core. I need to feel validated alone. If you leave, will the coldness seep back in?

[believein-somethingbeautiful]

I have found my worth through the hell of suffering.