“I want to, but I’m not allowed to touch you…” He frowned, and his eyes shone as if tears were going to fall. He advanced a half step towards me, testing my reaction, seeing if I was scared to be so near him. In all these years we have never been in such proximity. Half a step away from heaven. We exchanged a sad smile, and before I realised what was happening his arms were around me, lightly and fleetingly, and then he was gone. I wanted to hold on to him forever. I wanted to feel the roughness of his sweater and remember how he smelled so perfectly clean. Instead I wobbled and tried not to let my drink fall from my hand. I don’t think I inhaled at all, and I was in shock that he initiated this touch when I was so convinced that he didn’t want to be near me anymore. That he didn’t like me as a person and wouldn’t miss me. I didn’t think I would make him cry. How did it all feel so final? How will I forget how beautiful his eyes are up close, or the feeling of leaning into his shoulder. Seeing his wife afterwards was like being plunged into an ice bath. It was just a hug, wasn’t it? Then why did he break the rules? Why does my body still feel like it’s on fire. Why can’t I stop thinking about it. I know this man didn’t ruin me, I let myself feel this way and ruined myself. My dear Tcc, if only what I’ve written was simple fiction then maybe my feelings would have been spared. But this is my life. I’m leaving him forever and now I wish that we had never touched.
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