I really honestly just needed a space to vent. Because I swear if I keep anything else in Iāll explode.
Itās been a long year. And Iāve been so bitter and sad and just all around fucked up, tbh. Get ready for word vomit.
First off, FOMO is really the worst. I thought about it and honestly, itās because it was technically my first loss. Like truly lost. And Iām bitter. Of course. Iām still bitter. G really had a point. Maybe they did forgive. And I didnāt. Because I honestly think that out of everyone, I was the most honest. And to come at me, a couple years later with aĀ āeveryone was at faultā is such fucking bullshit. No. Nobody else had the balls to stand up to you like a real friend and tell you, you fucked up. And what happened? Motherfucker disappeared. Now everyone else is okay with the past. Lol, no. I need a real sincere apology, not some half assed bullshit.Ā
Rant number 2:
I am not content. With my job. With my house. With my life. This year has REALLY pushed me to look for better opportunities. And itās not like thatās a bad thing. But it is when youāre forced to constantly change, ya know. Like I didnāt WANT to move. I didnāt WANT a 2 hour commute and look for a new job. Now Iām in a job that Iām not really sure Iām happy with. I have this new opportunity thatās still far, but makes more money and I might be able to work with my mentor again. Like.. GREAT. But itās far. Yeah, itās not forever. Hopefully I can get an apartment of my own. Big girl, shit ya know. Cuz I ABSOLUTELY HATE living here. The amount of passive aggressive racism I have encountered or seen in the last few months is so insane. I know itās great to surround yourself with other people that arenāt like you, but itās not fun. Itās not nice at all. Itās actually pretty shitty. The entitlement of some of these people is really just fucking baffling. Honestly, it really is. And IDK if Iām mad because I chose this house. But I am kinda sad that I settled for this job. I was so desperate though. My commute was so shitty. Yet I miss my old coworkers so much. I didnāt know how well I had it. Omg, it was heaven compared to what I have now... holy shit.
Rant number 3:
Marriage can suck it. Love is absolute bullshit. G absolutely adores me but I canāt even think to sayĀ āI Love You.ā Iām so hurt already. From everything. Letting someone else in just fucking insane. Maybe I can do better? But heās better for me now. He caters to me so much. And I think I need someone to take care of me. Because I swear to god Iām falling apart every 5 seconds. Love is a long way to go. Maybe itāll never happen. Iām just so mean. And so closed off. And IDK, I hope he knows Iām just sad and confused and lonely. I tell him all the time I donāt wanna get married and I donāt want kids. Because itās so scary. My parents are absolute shit. I would never want that for myself. Nor do I want children because I know Iām toxic. But G is still here. Even if he wants marriage and children. He says itās okay cuz heās not ready yet. But Iām telling him this is how it ends for us... lol. He doesnāt believe me, but whatevs.
Rant number 4:
Loss. Everyday is a constant battle. I have never ever cried when Iām drunk. But I do now. And itās probably because thatās the only time I let my emotions come out. Holding it in and letting it fester isnāt healthy. But I just donāt want to talk about it anymore. People are sick of it. Iām sick of it. Which is why Iām doing this. I didnāt know any other way. Iāve been crying a lot lately. Just to let it out. I donāt think itās enough though. I think the worst part about it is when I KNOW S would understand me more than anybody in the world. I wouldnāt even have to explain it to her, and she knows how Iām feeling. Itās so stressful knowing that I canāt have that. And itās hard bothering everyone else. Because everyone has lives, ya know. I donāt want to bother them with my bullshit. My sad pathetic bullshit. I hate this. I fucking hate this. People say it gets better. Yeah, better at hiding it. Loss with A and M was a choice. Not my choice. But a choice. Loss with S was not. The world took her away from us. And she was the most important person in my life. I mean really. Aside from family. FUCK. Iām just sad. Thatās all.
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