you’re sitting next to a guy that you like
or, at least, a guy that you think you could like
if given the time
if he said all the right things
and you’re trying not to think about this girl
this beautiful, beautiful girl
who you know that you like
that you more than like
that you think you might love
are sure you love
you’re sitting next to this boy
and he asks what’s on your mind
and you laugh and say school
or the characters you’re writing
but it’s her, you know it is
you can’t stop thinking about her
this boy, he’s trying
you know he is
and it’s been a long time since someone tried with you
but this girl, your girl
never had to try
always had your attention
she walked past you in the hall once
hand reaching out to brush yours in greeting
and your words stopped
caught in your throat
and you gazed after her as she slipped away
taking your heart and mind with her
and you know
and your best friend knows
she’s looking at you like she knows
just how deep you are
and you clear your throat, try to keep going
but it’s too late, it feels like the whole hall knows
except for this boy
this boy could be wonderful
you’re sure he could
but this boy cannot keep your attention
the way that she can
this boy cannot even capture your conversations
you’re sitting on the bus, next to her
in the seat across from you is him
and you can’t take your eyes off of her
she doesn’t notice
you think she doesn’t
but you’re smiling, just listening to her ramble
and even when you try to look away
your eyes find their way back to her always
drifting constantly to her always
like maybe she’s the center of your universe
and she has to know, how could she not know?
you can’t stop looking at her
you’d do anything to hold her attention
she complimented your lipstick once and
you wore it every day for two weeks
just so she would look at your lips
like you stare at hers
you’re walking between this boy
and this sweet, secretly dorky girl
and you’re ignoring the boy
though you don’t mean to
you just forget
that anything exists outside of her
he trails after you to the convenience store
watches you buy her coffee, breakfast, water
watches as you let her make you tea
because she thinks it would help soothe your sore throat
you don’t like tea
but you like her
so you watch her as she makes it
watch as she runs off to grab something to eat
and you just stand there and he’s still watching you
and you think he might know
he has to know
has to see it in how you suddenly don’t know what to do with yourself
has to see how you still gaze in the direction she left
happy to just wait for her to return
you’re waiting for him to ask
sure that the message will come through
but he hasn’t yet
but he has to know
you’re walking next to this girl, hours later
sacrificing getting home early just to spend time with her
and you’re trying not to hold her hand
and you’re trying not to hold her hand
though she’s let you in the past
you’re becoming too obvious, you know
she’ll never love you, you know
she’s straight, and tells you about the boys she’s thinking about
asks your advice on one, on if she should ask him to homecoming
you have to swallow down the lump in your throat
your pride, your pain, your longing
tell her if she truly wants to, she should
and in the same breath, you ask her to go somewhere with you
she asks “where?”
truthfully?
the answer is anywhere, everywhere
you would be happy to sit with her for hours, holding her hand
but you have an excuse, an event
“i have a plus one,” you tell her,
“and i wasn’t sure who to bring, but i wanted to ask you.”
bullshit.
she’s the only person that you want to bring.
and she’s smiling at you, in that lovely way of hers
eyes crinkling
nodding excitedly
like she’s been waiting for just this
and you’re trying not to tell her
and you’re trying not to tell her
but it’s on the tip of your tongue, it always is
the boy doesn’t matter, you know he doesn’t
only she does
she’s one of your best friends
tells you about things she’s too embarrassed to tell anyone else
like how she always only watches harry potter in the winter
lord of the rings, too
and you call her a nerd, but you’re smiling
because only you know this
and she’s smiling
because only you know this
and you love her
you know you do.
