Warning: Language, 18+ Mature Content, Angst, Small Time Jumps, Preggo Talk, Pregnancy Trope, Talk of Pregnancy Termination
Words: 6.4k
Summary: Neither of you planned any of it. You’d met by chance, and everything that happened after had to have been predestined. Now back to your own life, you find you have a special souvenir from your time in Mauritius and you have a tough decision to make.
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What We Did In The Dark {1}**** | What We Did In The Dark {2}* |
Chapter Three: Better An Ooops….
“Take it easy!”
You groaned as you dropped face first onto your couch and let yourself spread out across the cool white leather. After 3 days in the hospital, tens of tests, and plenty of round-the-clock vitamin treatments to get your body up to standard for your condition you were finally released with prescriptions and doctor's orders to take it easy for a few days. You’d planned to come home and jump on your laptop to finish some things up, but Villie decided to bring you in and make sure you were settled. You knew she’d done it for a reason, and it was to make sure you didn’t do what you wanted to.
“So what do you feel like for dinner?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Tough shit. You’re going to eat. Your doctors said you need to take it easy, eat 3 balanced meals a day, and keep your stress levels down. So they took care of breakfast and lunch, now we order dinner.”
Villie dropped a heavy hand across your ass making you shout into the cushions of the couch. You shifted onto your side and rolled into a ball.
“What about the Halal spot that is on Blauvelt?”
You groaned and at the thought of all that meat covered with white creamy sauce, your stomach churned like the agitator inside of a washing machine. It didn’t feel right at all. Because of it, a ball of nausea formed in your chest, but your stomach grumbled.
“See, you’re hungry,” Villie assumed.
However, that was not the case. The thought of Halal made your stomach swirl like the letter “S”.
“No Halal.”
“Burgers, Mexican, Caribbean?”
None of those sounded any better. Suddenly, Villie gasped.
“Oooh, what about that Cuban spot?”
You allowed that to simmer for a few moments and when your stomach didn’t react you slowly sat up. In your mind’s eye, you saw a towering plate of empanadas beside another plate filled with Cuban-style seafood paella and a bowl of black bean soup and tostones. You looked to Villie and found her smiling widely.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
You pulled out your phone and went to your food ordering app then found the restaurant she meant. You spent the following 5 or so minutes adding everything your stomach told you that you needed and had to have or else you’d die. By the time you’d checked out, your total and quantity were insane for just two people but as far as you were concerned everything was a necessity.
While Villie waited for the order, you took a quick shower. Or it was meant to be quick. Whenever you swiped your decadently soaped-up exfoliating gloves across your abdomen you paused up and your mind wandered. There was an actual baby inside of you right now—two to be accurate. You were carrying the babies of a man you’d only slept with once, well multiple times over the span of 5ish hours. You didn’t know him and you sure as hell hadn’t planned for this to be the outcome of your wanton night of pleasure.
There were so many things on your mind, so many worries to add to the ones you already had. According to Dr. Olumici, you had already reached the cut-off point to ethically terminate with her and most other providers. However, you could find other physicians who would perform an early 2nd-trimester termination. Through your research in the hospital, you educated yourself on why it was too unethical and brought so much controversy. Once you understood you couldn’t fathom doing it.
With that answer, you also couldn’t fathom yourself carrying these babies or giving them a life. You weren’t exactly stable in your life or career. You’d only just begun the path and had so many other things planned to accomplish before the whole adding to the population of the world thing. That meant you had a predicament on your hands that now only had one resolution—adoption. Even that didn’t sit right with you. Could you go on living your life knowing you had a life somewhere else in the world living, a being that came from you, a being you wouldn’t know in any way?
So you spent the entire shower going back and forth over your options but that only sent you into an endless circle with resolutions that weren’t real ones because they posed more problems and raised more questions. By the time you came out of the shower and returned to the living room, Villie was lost in her phone with the food spread out across your coffee table.
“That was longer than usual.”
“Yeah, I smelled like a hospital, I needed to smell like me.”
Villie nodded then grabbed the bottle that was in the center of the table, “Did you know you can get alcohol delivered off of Dash?”
You snorted. Leave it to her to try. You took a seat on the floor beside her ready to dig in but her phone resting on the table caught your eye. It was the picture of the man who’d showed up at the hospital, the one you’d rear-ended.
“You found him on socials already?”
Villie glanced at her phone then scoffed. “It wasn’t hard. Take a guess who he’s connected to.”
You thought about it for a second but the smells wafting from the containers took your attention. You went through pulling off the tops of the food containers and moaning as each new smell filled the room.
“Oh my god, I didn’t realize how hungry I was until now.”
Without another word, you dug into the food filling your plate with a lot of everything. Once you were satisfied with the bites you had taken you glanced back at Villie who was wide-eyed.
“What?”
“Glad to see your appetite has come back.”
You nodded and continued stuffing your face. Over the last few days, though you hadn’t vomited, you felt small bouts of nausea that came and went and the look of most of the hospital food left you not wanting to eat much. You’d worried it was going to be a permanent thing, but those worries were put to rest now.
“So, guess who he’s connected to,” Villie broached again.
“I don’t know,” you said mouth full of food.
Villie grabbed her phone and slid across her screen then held it up to you. When you looked, Lewis Hamilton’s face filled her screen. You gasped forgetting your mouthful of food then immediately began choking from the few particles that went down the wrong pipe.
“Oh my god!”
Villie leaped to her knees, patted your back with one hand, and poured some of the dark liquid from the bottle into a glass before she handed it to you. As you brought it to your nose your stomach turned from the strong scent of alcohol. You put the glass back on the table and shook your head. Villie kissed her teeth and then hurried to the kitchen before she came back with a bottle of water. You took several gulps in between coughs trying your best to dislodge the food that was stuck in your windpipe.
After a few attempts, you took a deep breath and hung your head back.
“Are you all right?”
You nodded, wiping your eyes from the tears that had slipped out.
“Jesus. I know the man is fine, fine but get a grip,” Villie teased.
You scoffed then pressed your palms to your face.
“Wait. Eh-em, you’re telling me the man I ran into is connected to him?”
“Yep. His name is Miles Chamley-Watson. He is the BFF to Lewis Hamilton, like for real BFF shit. They go everywhere together.”
Your eyes were bugged as you pieced it together. How small was this fucking world? How was this even real? The more you thought about it you began to wonder if he was in Mauritius with him. If so, did he know who you were?
“Oh my god.”
“Right! Like we kind of hit it off. I’m not gonna say there was flirting but there was flirting.”
“So you’re interested in him?”
Villie smiled as she drank down the glass of rum she’d poured for you. “I might be. What do you think? Do you think I shouldn’t be?”
How were you supposed to answer that? If she pursued things and they ended up becoming a thing didn’t that mean eventually one way or another you and Lewis would interact with one another? If you did wouldn’t he find out about the babies? If he found out--. The thought paused as a bigger item zipped itself up the agenda. Would he even remember you? He was after all Lewis Hamilton. You were sure there was no shortage of women he spent his time with. Why would he remember you from one night and 5 hours?
“Y/N?”
“Uh—um, well--.”
You saw the hope in her eyes and knew you couldn’t minipulate this because of your situation. Sighing you took her hand. “Valenza, I saw something between y’all. I say go with it and enjoy yourself. Who knows this could be it.”
Villie screeched then began laughing like an erratic high schooler who’d just learned their crush liked them back. Smiling you went back to eating. As Villie talked about Miles for a few more minutes your mind was lost in its own world. This shit was getting even more complicated.
~~~~~~~
4 Weeks Later
Your eyes never left the front door of 4057 Lake Drive Blvd. You’d been sitting in your car for the last 3 hours obsessively staring at the door with one hand on your steering wheel while the other rested on the door handle. You’d had every intention of getting out of your car and going inside 2 hours ago. However, that didn’t work out. Every time you tried to force your feet to move they didn’t. Instead, you sat outside the women’s health center as the time clicked closer and closer to your appointment until that same time clicked further and further away from your appointment time.
Now you were a whole 2 hours past your appointment time with no progress on getting out of the car. As you sat here you went over every single option over and over and over. You interjected every variable, every single con to every single choice. However, with every con, you found yourself seeing just as many pros. Now it was impossible to tell what the right decision was.
Never in your life had you thought you’d consider termination let alone a 2nd trimester one, but you were finding out that in most decisions no one knows what they would do until they are in it. You didn’t think you’d have unprotected sex with a stranger in your life but when the moment came you were one hundred percent DTF (down to fuck).
You closed your eyes for probably the hundredth time and took several deep, slow breaths. On the fifth one, you held it and allowed your heartbeat to steadily slow until it beat low and evenly. It was a trick you’d done most of your life to calm yourself and think clearly. When everything fell away, including the sounds of traffic, the sounds of the city you loved, and even the drum of your engine, you were left with your heartbeat and the rustling of the palm leaves. It was then that you felt the butterfly fluttering sensations again.
When you’d first felt them a week ago you hadn’t known what they were, and it took a few days to recognize what they were. Every Google search confirmed it—fetal movements. That was when it all became real and right now sitting in front of the health center where a doctor was waiting to perform your termination that you were now 2 hours late for because you were panicking and waiting for a sign to show you the right path to take, did it really become real.
Your hands left their current positions, the steering wheel and the door handle, and drifted to your belly which was now ever so slightly poked out. As if the minuscule beings inside of you knew your hands were there the fluttering intensified, crippling you with emotion. You dropped your head onto the steering wheel and allowed yourself to cry for the first time.
What could have been mistaken for sad tears weren’t. They were tears of resolution, tears of understanding, tears of acceptance—of fear. This was your sign, your answer, your path, and you were scared shitless. So your tears flowed down your cheeks and dripped all over you soaking your top. Even then you didn’t stop, you let it all out even turning up the music to drown out the sounds of your sobs.
From this moment forward, your life would never be the same and from this moment forward, you would face whatever came your way on this path with one thought in mind—what was best for your babies. When your tears finally subsided you wrapped your arms around your midsection, hugging yourself and the lives within you, and took a deep breath.
“Okay. I didn’t expect you and I surely didn’t plan you, but I won’t get rid of you. I hope you don’t regret choosing me because you’re stuck with me, and I promise I will do everything to protect you from today onward. Be gentle and patient with me and we’ll learn together.”
As if your words were heard, the flutters returned making you smile. pressing your head back on the headrest you sighed and tried to formulate a plan. That was when your phone rang sending audio caller ID off.
Villie calling. Villie calling. Villie calling.
You scoffed. Even the universe knew the plan was to tell Villie because she was good at coming up with a plan that ensured you were the primary benefiter. Truthfully, you should have told her weeks ago but since your release from the hospital she’d been spending a lot of time with Miles. Though he lived in the UK, they were always on Facetime dates, they’d now met up in London 3 times and you were sure she knew what Miles Jr looked like.
You hadn’t wanted to make things weird between them or add any stress given the truths of your situation. You really had wanted to keep things separate. Now with you deciding to keep the babies and raise them, there was no way you could keep everything from her anymore. She was your best friend after all. Tapping the answer button, you buckled yourself in.
“Hey V.”
“Hey. Where are you?”
“Umm--,” you stretched as you pulled out of the parking lot of the medical center and onto Berman Street.
“Getting on the highway, what’s up?”
“I feel like shopping. Are you down?”
“Yeah, tell me where to meet you.”
The drive through South Beach was unlike any drive you’d done before. Over the last few weeks, you’d been tense and stressed out to the max. It was evident in the way you gripped the steering wheel and sat in your seat. Now you felt differently. You were more relaxed, and more centered but also more cautious. You found yourself stopping and allowing more women and children cross even if they didn’t have the right of way, found yourself driving slightly below the speed limit and following every single traffic law that was in the driver’s manual that you’d neglected mere weeks before.
By the time you parked and fed your meter, you were 10 minutes late and intensely craving a massive green smoothie. After getting not one but two, you found Villie already well into her shopping in one of the lingerie stores.
“What took you so long?”
“Traffic and I needed a smoothie. So for you, shopping starts with lingerie.”
“Of course.”
You chuckled then began going through the racks. There were tons of cute stuff, but you knew soon you wouldn’t fit any of it and you had no one to wear any of this for. With that thought you looked at Villie.
“Valenza Tamina Chord, are you stocking up for a particular event?”
She smiled widely then walked off.
“No, no. Don’t try to slip away. What’s going on?”
“Miles is coming to town in a few weeks for a week and--.”
“You plan on getting your back broke, throat bruised, and internal organs rearranged. Okay!”
Villie giggled as she took down a navy blue strappy number that would look great on her and examined it.
“Okay I don’t know about throat bruised but the rest of it yep.”
You snorted and shook your head. “First of all, get that, it’ll look phenomenal on you. Second, let’s see if you have a voice when he comes.”
“Oh my god, Y/N, he is so cool, such a good guy.”
“He seems like it. I’m glad you’re having fun you deserve it.”
Villie’s eyes landed on you and for a few moments she studied you. “I’m not the only one who deserves it, you do too.”
You nodded and walked away to another rack and idly went through the hangers.
“I mean it. You’ve been single for long enough don’t you think?”
“I have a lot going on Villie. I don’t need another thing to worry about.”
“I understand what you mean but sometimes if it’s the right thing it doesn’t become a worry but something to bring you happiness, and peace.”
You sighed the words at the tip of your tongue but with no way to come out. This wasn’t something you could blurt out and be done with. You knew Villie, she would want to dissect everything on top of wanting a play-by-play of your dick down. This conversation couldn’t be had in the middle of a lingerie store.
“When do we meet the creative director of the station?”
“Boo! Always changing the subject. Fine, whatever. Next week is the meeting. Their name is Sadie Walters and she sent over some ideas for her vision along with some papers to understand your vision. So you got some homework.”
“Okay. I’m excited to get this off the ground and get back to traveling.”
“Workaholic. One day you will regret working so much and pushing your personal life to the side.”
You turned your back and quietly scoffed. If she only knew how little time you would have for a personal life in the next few years she’d take that back. For the next several hours you dipped in and out of almost every store adding bags and bags of clothes, shoes, makeup, and body products until you both were exhausted. After you had dinner at a nearby steakhouse where again you ate nearly everything in sight. When you both split at the end of the night you attempted to get the words out but still you couldn’t. You weren’t quite ready, and you worried you would be really showing before you were ever ready.
~~~~~~
-2 Weeks Later-
Pop!
The champagne bottle top flew across the room colliding into the wall, making everyone cheer and clap. After so many weeks of work with finishing up your catalog, the vacation wear line, and getting the behind-the-scenes stuff of your travel show down everything was signed, sealed, and done. Tomorrow was the release of your catalog and vacation wear line, and you were absolutely freaking out.
“Oh my god. Thank you everyone!”
You went around your office and hugged each and every one of the people who helped you get here. You wrapped your arms around Zavier and squeezed.
“Thank you Z, you made this catalog incredible. I cannot thank you enough!”
“Congratulations. You’re more than welcome.”
Next, you moved on to Sabrina and Chloe, the interns who’d been hired to maintain some of the back-end things. “Thank you beautiful souls.”
“You’re welcome!”
When you moved to Villie she rocked you side to side. That was when the waterworks started.
“Oh Villie, thank you, thank you!”
“Shut up. I don’t need thank yous. I am so happy for you. It’ll be no time now before you are bigger than Anthony Zimmerman.”
“Girl, we are not alike. He travels to eat everything; I travel to party.”
Everyone laughed at that. When Villie handed you a glass of champagne you froze.
“We have to drink to you and all that you’ve accomplished and to this amazing team of ours,” Villie said holding her glass up.
Everyone followed her and tapped their glasses together. You brought the glass to your lips, but you didn’t take a sip as they all did.
“Thank you guys so much for all your hard work and dedication to these projects. It means the world to me.”
You hoped they understood how much they meant to you though you couldn’t fully express it because if you did, you knew you would cry uncontrollably which would be weird. You were having a hard time keeping your emotions under control over the last two weeks as your pregnancy progressed. You saw a dandelion blow away from a hard gust of wind earlier and that made you cry for the poor dandelion that would never be seen again. With that, you knew your emotional state was highly unbalanced.
When the bottle of champagne disappeared, everyone started to file out to get on with their own days leaving you and Villie. You scrolled through the virtual catalog in complete awe. You couldn’t believe that after so many months it was over and would be out for the world to see. The pride you felt was indescribable. You’d accomplished this without using anyone's clout, or influence to elevate it. You didn’t have any major help, most of it was compiled by you using your skills and talents. It wasn’t until near the end had you brought on more expertise. This was your baby.
“I can’t believe this is done, V.”
She doesn’t reply. When you felt her approach, she pulled up a chair beside you then sighed. “I can’t believe you haven’t told me what’s been going on with you since you were released from the hospital.”
You paused and fought the rapid beating of your heart because you knew she would hear it in the quiet office. “Uh--.”
“I’ll give you a few moments to come up with what you are going to say to come clean with me but the words out of your mouth better be the truth. I’ve let you go for all this time but right now I’m getting offended and hurt that you don’t feel like you can talk to me.”
You spun to her and grabbed her hands. “No, no. Villie, that’s not it I swear!”
“No? Then what else could it be, Y/N?”
You sighed then found your words. Gripping her hands tighter you looked at her. “Okay look. I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how and honestly I didn’t know until a few weeks ago and since then I have been a mess trying to wrap my head around it and future my shit out. It’s a lot happening.”
“Are you sick? Please don’t tell me you have cancer.”
“What? No! I don’t. I’m not sick.”
Villie let out a relieved huff of breath then took a steadying one. “Then what? What is going on?”
“I’m—I’m—pregnant.”
Villie just stared at you with a blank expression. She didn’t move, she didn’t even look as if she were breathing. Leaning forward you studied her closer trying to gauge just what she was thinking. Biting your bottom lip you prepared yourself to repeat the words but just as you opened your mouth to, Villie sprang to her feet.
“What! P—pr—pregnant?”
She walked to the far side of the office. “I know you fucking lying.”
“Uh--.”
“No. It’s a lie. There is no way. How did you get pregnant? When?”
You understood her reaction. You hadn’t told her about your night with Lewis because you didn’t want to be one of those girls who bragged about spending the night with a celebrity and you honestly were kind of embarrassed by everything that happened that night. You’d turned into a completely different person and when the sun rose, and you’d found your limbs entangled with his and your very naked bodies still connected under the massive palm tree that was tucked out of sight you’d felt stupid and easy so you ran as fast as you could without looking back. As far as she knew you’d been in a sex drought for 2 years.
“Y/N!”
“Calm down. I should be the one freaking out. I’m the pregnant one.”
Villie’s eyes widened.
“I’m not lying. I am pregnant. I found out at the hospital after the accident and that’s what’s been going on for the last few weeks. I was trying to wrap my head around it all and figure out what I wanted to do about it. Because of everything that I have going on I didn’t think I could continue this, so it’s been a stressful few weeks,” you rushed out.
Ville was still standing across the room and now looking at you like you had two heads. “You’re not fucking with me?”
“I’m not fucking with you. I promise.”
Instantly Villie crossed the room to you taking you into her arms and hugging the life out of you. “Oh, honey.”
With your best friend comforting you, your tears began flowing. When she heard your sniffles she pulled back and pouted. “You’re really pregnant?”
Nodding, you sniffled some more. Villie’s tear-filled eyes overflowed and the two of you hugged again and ugly cried together. Relief filled you as you relished the comfort of the one person who's had your back for over a decade. You weren’t alone with this anymore. You knew without a doubt that Villie would have your back the entire way.
When the two of you sat back down, you both wiped your tears and snot and laughed at each other for being so emotional about it.
“Oh my god, Y/N.”
“I know.”
“Oh my god,” Villie repeated.
“I know, I know. It’s huge.”
“Huge? This is—colossal. You’re pregnant.”
You nodded, “I am.”
“You’re pregnant with a baby, like a real baby.”
“Ha, try two babies. Two real babies.”
Villie shot to her feet again.
“Shut the fuck up!”
“Girl I nearly passed out when I found out.”
Villie screeched then and practically tackled you with another hug. “Twins! Aah, Y/N, how precious is that?!”
You snorted. Of course she would be the one to die over the cuteness of it all. Villie dropped back into the seat, then reached for your belly. When she realized it was not flat her eyes became the size of the moon.
“Holy fucking shit, Y/N. This feels so real.”
“Oh it’s real. It’s so real I have had to sideline 3 of my favorite pairs of jeans already and I’m not even halfway there yet.”
“So you’re keeping them, right? You better be keeping them.”
“I’m keeping them. I couldn’t do the procedure. It didn’t feel right in my heart.”
Villie nodded. “I get that. It’s different to hold my hand through mine than be the one in the stirrups getting your own. It’s a decision every woman has to make for herself.”
A few moments of silence stretched as both of you thought back to when Villie ended up pregnant barely one year into law school. Her then asshole boyfriend freaked and went as far as to transfer schools just to get away from the whole thing. After hours of tears, weeks of lamenting, and one in-depth heart to heart she decided it was best to terminate. So, you held her hand through the whole thing and per her request, the two of you never spoke of it again.
Squeezing her hand for comfort, you continued, “It was simply too late for me to have a clear conscious about it. Then I got a sign showing me what to do and—yeah, here we are.”
Villie squeezed your hand again. “Well, I am happy for you honey. You are going to be an amazing mom.”
You groaned. “Mom. V, this is insane. The show, the catalog, the line, all the traveling I’m going to be doing, the chaos of filming. I can’t do this, right?”
“Of course you can do this. You’re not going to be alone doing it either. I will be here. I will be with you for every single thing, ultrasounds, Lamaze, nursery planning, hospital bag packing, birth, and every day after. You’re not alone and you can do this,” she assured in her attorney voice.
Slowly you nodded as her words sank in filling you with confidence. Suddenly Villie gasped.
“Hold up. When did this happen? Who!?”
You let her hand go, stood, and grabbed your stuff.
“Let’s go to my place.”
Villie looked cautiously at you. “Oh god, is it Zavier?”
“What! Hell no.”
“What do you mean hell no? Zavier is fine as hell. You have seen his abs right and his tight ass?”
“Oh my god V, stop sexualizing Z.”
“I’m not. I’m just asking if you have seen his abs and his ass.”
“Yes, I have seen them and yes they are great.”
“Not to mention he is crushing so hard on you, has been for like a year now.”
“Shut up, he hasn’t.”
Villie rolled her eyes as she walked out the door first. “Oblivious fool. Can’t stand you bitches who don’t notice when you have men wrapped around your finger. until it's too late”
You snorted, “Who you calling a fool?”
The bickering continued as you made your way to your cars. When you separated to drive there separately, you made a quick stop at the Cuban spot near your house and once again picked up enough food for an army. When you got home Villie was already waiting for you. She helped you line out the food on the coffee table and get drinks ready, then you dug in. Halfway through eating Villie turned to you to press further.
“I know you’ve been stalling. Spill it already. Is he some struggling cartel clown who thinks he's next in line but is still the errand boy?”
“God no.”
“One of these struggling Miami rappers who swear they got bars but really don't understand the meaning of the word?”
You chuckled. “No.”
“Oh, a struggling underwear model who--.”
“Why do they all have to be struggling?”
“Because you’re stalling which means you’re either embarrassed of him or you regret letting him hit and most likely it’s because you’re ashamed of who he is.”
“I’m not—embarrassed or ashamed of him per se.”
“Okay if not who, then tell me when. When did this happen?”
“Mauritius.”
Her eyes widened again.
“Holy shit, did you Stella Got Her Groove Back on some hot barely legal island bway and brought back your very own Mauritian souvenirs.”
You busted out laughing sending food out of your mouth and onto the floor beside you.
“Wait, wait, wait. Barely legal isn’t my thing and since when have I been out of commission long enough to Stella Got Her Groove Back on anyone?!”
“It’s been 2 years, Y/N. You’re honeytrap was growing cobwebs.”
You laughed loudly again loving the feeling. It had been too long since you’d laughed like this.
“First of all. Fuck you!”
Villie laughed along with you.
“No, it’s who fucked you?”
You hugged her and rocked from side to side.
“Oh I love you Villie.”
“Love you too honey. That doesn’t mean I am letting this go. Tell me already.”
“Fine. Lewis Hamilton.”
Villie gave you a “yeah right” look then busted out laughing. She laughed so long that it gave you more time to keep eating. Slowly she realized you weren’t laughing with her and slowly she stopped.
“I didn’t mean lie to my face.”
“Who’s lying?”
Villie stared at you for a few moments then you watched every cell in her body light up until her face was bright and her eyes wide. That’s when it happened. She screamed. You nodded your head because it was either this reaction you’d expected or the complete disbelief. You’d gotten them both.
“No fucking way!”
“Oh yes fucking way.”
“You had sex with Lewis Hamilton in Mauritius? Oh ho ho, details. I need every single piece of information starting with who said the first word to whom, moving on to are his hands as big as they seem, then what he smells like, then can he kiss, then not skipping any minuscule detail like boxers or briefs, circumcised or not and finally how big and can he lay pipe.”
She screeched again, grabbed her bottle of beer, turned to you then cleared her throat. “Okay, begin.”
She was an absolute trip. You spent the few hours going over every detail of that night that you dared to with Villie. You even let her know how free you’d been with yourself and all the things you’d let him do to you, all the ways you’d let him have you and claim your body. With every piece of info, Villie looked like she was near an aneurysm. When you told her how you’d let him into your back door she lost her shit. She screamed so loud you were sure your neighbors would call the police thinking foul play was afoot.
By the time you finished, Villie was laid out on her back with a dazed look on her face staring at the ceiling as if she had been the one who’d gone through probably the best night of fucking ever recorded by man or woman. You gave her a few minutes to recover and let it all sink in and used the time to finish off the food.
“Oh my god, Y/N.”
Villie sat up panting, her hair a mess.
“Are you good?”
“Am I? Are you? All of that went down?”
“All of that went down. I got back to my hotel room and didn’t recognize myself in the mirror.”
“You a freak, freak, freak!”
Both of you laughed some more.
“I can’t believe you.”
“I know. Mauritian rum is no fucking joke.”
“No. I can’t believe you left him there naked in the sand. Why!?”
“What? Why? You’re joking. I couldn’t stay.”
“Why?”
“Because it was over, it was one night and—I—I,” you sighed. “I was embarrassed. I felt like a fool.”
“You were embarrassed to have slept with Lewis Hamilton?”
“Partly. You’ve heard the rumors about him, heard the stories of him having a harem and contractual relationships that center around sex and extravagance, and here I went and fell for him.”
“Wait, fell for him, fell for him?”
You sighed and thought back to your conversation and the vibe between you.
“I don’t know. I’d had a lot to drink that night and was on a high after that folk dance with the island’s natives and there was something when our eyes met through the flames of the fire. There was something that made me fall enough to let all that go down.”
“Do you like him?”
“I don’t know him. I don’t know I felt like I became this whole other person that I have never been before but it didn’t feel like a mask or me pretending and it makes me wonder why did it come out with him and not anyone else?”
Villie nodded. “So instead of finding out why by staying till he woke up, you ran away and brought back 2 souvenirs with his DNA that you now have to find a way to tell him about.”
“Tell him? Why would I tell him?”
Villie looked at you with incredulity. “You’re joking.” She stared at you longer then scoffed when she realized you weren’t. “No, Y/N, you have to tell him. Don’t you think he deserves to know he will have 2 children running around with his DNA?”
“---No.”
“Y/N--.”
“Okay wait. I can see how you would say yes and well—maybe—yes. Fuck. How do I tell him this Villie? Do I just DM him on Insta and be like hey remember me? He probably won’t if the stories are true he’s had nights like this plenty of times. What do I say?”
“Who cares about the stories, the rumors, and any of that other noise. Right now you are pregnant and you’ve decided to keep the babies—his babies. You have to tell him and let him figure out if he remembers you, and decide what he plans on doing. Whatever he decides won’t affect you. If he decides to man up great then you figure it out. If he decides to deny, deny, deny then fine, move on.”
You heard her words. They made plenty of sense, but you were still apprehensive. You didn’t want to be perceived as that girl. The one who showed up with a pregnancy from one night or a situationship where terms were clear.
“This is messy, Villie.”
“It is but what isn't messy these days? Oh my god, Miles.”
You looked at her as she finally thought about her connection to all of this.
“He’s his bestie right, and now your boo thang.”
Villie smiled at those words then scoffed. “The world is so fucking small.”
“Tell me about it,” you replied.
The two of you sat quietly for a few moments both in your own heads about your situation.
“Well, you have an in to talk to him when you’re ready to tell him about the pregnancy.”
“What in? Miles?”
“Yeah. We’ll tell him and ask if he can get you a face-to-face.”
“Face to face? Villie.”
“Is this the kind of news you really want to send over socials, text messages, or word of mouth?”
You hated when she was right.
“Also from a legal standpoint, if you kept this from him now and he somehow found out years down the line, he could file a lawsuit against you and seek damages.”
“From little ol' me?”
“If he was feeling really butt hurt, that’s the minimum of what he could do legally,” Villie confirmed.
You sighed then dropped back onto the floor. Your hands instantly went to your stomach and you felt your slight bump. This shit was messy and had the potential to get even messier. Villie was right though, you did have to tell him, it was the right thing to do.
Looking at it from a different angle, it was better to say "Hi remember me, oops I’m pregnant" than not and wonder what if.
You closed your eyes and groaned. Your life had turned upside down in the span of a few months and once again it was all because of the things you’d done in the dark.
So I NEVER do this and I am honestly quite ashamed I have to. I hate that I have to. I have prayed on it and still nothing has gotten better. So I am trying this route and I truly apologize for it. One thing I am learning is that even when we are naturally humble there are times we must humble ourselves even more.
I've run into some major financial difficulties the last few weeks that look like they will continue for another few weeks. I have a critical bill to pay that is currently backed up in the 500.00 area. However I am in no way asking for that.
If anyone has any ability to spare any money to send ne through cashapp so I can at least pay off some of the threatening amount to restore service.
My goal is 290.00.
I appreciate any and all of you who read this and are able to help. You really have no idea how grateful to you I am.🙏🏽 If you are not able to help please share this.
Lewis didn't realise how much you were helping him carry the weight of the world until he lost you and the home you provided for his heart.
Warnings: Angst & Fluff
Word Count: 6.3K
Note: I got the inspiration for this from the song Charlene-Anthony Hamilton while driving home one day. I hope you like it.
The day you met him, the stars aligned. He was in London and he’d gone out in a hoodie and dark sunglasses just after sunset to buy ingredients to make soup. He’d got the idea that he should try to cook it himself but of course, he’d never tried before so he didn’t have the ingredients. When he got to the shop he saw you in the vegetable section singing the grocery music to yourself and trying to hold back from full out dancing along. He immediately thought you were attractive and the way you seemed so into your own world intrigued him. He watched you reach out to grab something and drop the item next to it off the shelf so he rushed in to help you restack it.
“Thanks,” you immediately thanked him, not seeming very embarrassed.
“You’re welcome,” Lewis said to you. He thought you’d say more but you refocused on your task, taking a few steps along the aisle and didn’t give him a second look. “What are you shopping for?” Lewis followed and asked. Your face immediately twisted in response.
“Uh…tomatoes…,” you said, flickering your eyes between him and the tomatoes now in front of you. You obviously thought it was strange that a random man in a hoodie and sunglasses indoors was trying to strike up a conversation with you. Your first instinct was he was trying to scam you so you put your guard up. Lewis thought your reaction was odd because he was used to people adoring him but he quickly remembered how strange he must have looked so he snatched off his sunglasses and shoved them into his hoodie pocket. You didn’t recognise him but you didn’t need to know he was Lewis Hamilton to realise he was beautiful. Your face softened on seeing his dark but sparking eyes and he noticed.
In your head, he could have still been a scammer but in the odd chance he wasn’t at least he was handsome.
“Do you know which ones are best?” he asked, flickering his eyes over you, slight enough to not seem like a threat but obvious enough for you to notice his interest.
“I can’t really say I’m a tomato expert,” you smiled, dropping the tension in your shoulders and relaxing your demeanour in a subtle show of interest. He chuckled at your words despite them not being funny and took a small step closer to you. He reached for a tomato and held it up, looking between it and you.
“I’d trust your opinion anyway,” he looked directly at you with a little smirk, making your knees buckle a bit. You reached up and took the tomato from his hand and put it back in the pile, replacing it for a larger one in your hand.
“This one is better,” you showed him, “It’s bigger,” you added.
“Does that make it better?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.
“It makes it better for two,” you cheekily slipped in. He chuckled at that and smiled showing his perfect teeth. After a short conversation at the vegetable section, he introduced himself and offered to shop with you. At the end of the store trip, he had invited you over to his to order in soup. He gave up on the idea of cooking because he didn’t want to seem anything but flawless to you at the time.
It was rash to invite you over so soon and he was worried it’d give you the wrong impression of his intentions but he knew you were special from just the hour you’d spent together and he wanted to make the most of his opportunity. Unfortunately, you declined to come over that night but you did give him your number and from there your relationship rapidly blossomed.
It didn’t take long for you to realise the man you met was more than just a man. It was definitely a shock to you, the level of celebrity he was. You didn’t recognise him immediately but a quick google search the night you met him to make sure he was not in fact a serial killer or scammer revealed who he was. However, the reality of just how famous and more so, busy, Lewis was didn’t sink in until you were dating.
His travels seemed endless and his schedule seemed more hectic than any planner could organise but your relationship did thrive despite that. At first it was incredible. You felt like you’d met your soulmate - you couldn’t believe how perfect Lewis was for you. It was safe to say he was the man of your dreams. The most dreamy part about it was that Lewis felt the same about you. It was not easy but you two were in deep love. The nights alone didn’t feel lonely because you knew as soon as he was able he’d call or text or come visit you. The holidays you spent together you’d sit out on the beach and talk about your future : how many kids you wanted, where you’d settle down when he retired, if you’d be okay with living in a huge house with all of his family. You weren’t but he liked to idea of it so sometimes you played along. You plotted out every possibly blissful scenario.
It wasn’t all bliss though, you’d been there when things got hard too - when he was at his lowest. You’d never seen him like that. He was usually the one between the two of you to lift you out of a slum but this time - that year, after that season. He was the one who needed you. You did everything you could to help him, to motivate him and to get him to return to the man you knew him to be. He started to return to himself, at least he’d returned enough to face the world once more but you didn’t get back the man you knew. He hyper focused on racing and he focused away from you. He never told you he was prioritising his career over you but you didn’t need to be told - it was obvious. The nights alone became lonely because you no longer felt the assurance that he’d be reached out as soon as he could.
The conversations between you two felt like a drag and it always felt like he was elsewhere. Nothing seemed to fix the loneliness you felt - no matter how many times you tried to talk to Lewis about it, no matter how many times you tried to rejuvenate your relationship with spontaneous visits or adventurous nights. The spark was gone - even the sparkle in his eyes when he looked at you which was there from the day you met in the grocery store was gone. You couldn’t heal the loneliness you felt with him so you had to let go. It was better to be alone and at peace than with him and lonely.
Time somewhat healed but that was mostly because you accepted you would never be the same post your life with Lewis as your life before. You had loved with your whole heart and that love was gone. You moved on but you knew part of yourself would always be in that sphere of love. You’d be lying if you didn’t say a small part of you hoped that love would return one day but the majority of you was firm in moving on. Sometimes, that small part that hoped made you check in on him from a distance. Today was one of those days. You pulled up his pre and post race interviews expecting to see a positive Lewis looking back at you through the screen but he wasn’t there. Sure, Lewis was there but there was something off about him. He smiled, he made a little joke here and there with the interviewers but even through the screen you could tell something was off about him. You could see it in his eyes the way you always could when you were together. There was no sparkle, no excitement, no hopefulness. His onyx eyes held the truth of his tired soul.
You were tempted to call him when you noticed. The automatic instinct you’d build after years of being his shoulder to lean on was trying to take over. You held your phone in your hand more than a few times with his number you had memorised dialled in but you never called. In the end you told yourself you were not his rock anymore and he was not yours.
Lewis didn’t have many moments alone with the busy nature of his lifestyle and to the outside world it may seem as if he liked it that way. He knew people thought that he was a social butterfly who thrived off the energy of others. In a sense he was, he did enjoy it but sometimes he wished for quiet. However, the quiet he yearned for was a peaceful quiet - not the type of quiet where the entire world felt like it was coming down on his shoulders the second he was left alone with his thoughts.
These days, whenever he was alone he felt lonely and heavy. Right now, with his head thrown back rested on the couch of his driver’s room he felt like an elephant was on his chest. He’d just come from countless post race interviews that he had to slap on a charming smile for and now he felt drained. The race went better than others but still not what he wanted. His goals for himself exceeded what anyone of his supporters or naysayers could project. He thrived for above and beyond and he wasn’t there yet and right now it felt like he didn’t know how to get there.
He knew he needed support, and he had it but he didn’t have the support he really needed. Sure, he had family, he had friends, he had a team and he had millions of fans but he didn’t have you. At least not anymore.
At the time of when your relationship dissolved, he barely realised it was happening. He hyper focused on himself and the loss of you was a consequence of that mindset. When you showed up at his home with fiery anger in your eyes he was surprised but as the words spilled from your angry mouth his surprise turned to guilt. Your accusations were right, he was distant. He didn’t necessarily want to let go but when you told him you were done, he didn’t have the fight in him to stop you. He’d actually convinced himself that maybe he would return to his former self if he had less distractions including your relationship but he quickly came to regret that decision. Times like this he knew that was the wrong choice.
The frequency in times with which he thought about you was increasing and right now with the world’s weight on his shoulders all he could think about was that your arms around him would be the only thing that could take the weight off. He sighed and lifted his head off the back of the couch and picked up his phone. He dialled your number from memory and clicked call, he didn’t think about it long enough to muster regret.
“Lewis,” you answered the phone on recognising his unsaved number, “Lewis why are you calling me?” you immediately asked him. Lewis didn’t respond right away. He didn’t think this far into his choice of calling. He hadn’t heard your voice in a long time and the sound of it shot him into shock. “Lewis?” you asked again. His lack of response made you wonder if it was really his number. You check the phone screen again to be sure but you were. You had that number drilled into your brain as well as you knew your own name.
“Hey…,” was all he could get out of his dry lungs. You sat there with your phone to your ear sat at your home desk with your eyebrows knit in confusion waiting for him to continue.
“Is something wrong Lewis?” you gingerly asked him. You didn’t know why he called and you were shocked to say the least that he did. The unexpected nature of his call made you worry something was very wrong or he was in trouble. He again didn’t speak right away but you could hear him gulp on the other side of the call.
“A lot is wrong y/n…I…,” he confessed but then lost his words. You waited, staying quiet on the other end for half a minute before he began to speak again, “I…I’m sorry,” he chose to apologise.
“Sorry for what Lewis?” you immediately asked him, getting up from your chair and beginning to pace in the room.
“For…for letting you go,” he more quietly continued, “I was wrong,” he added barely above a whisper. You took longer to respond to his unexpected apology for your separation. You stopped pacing and thought about what he said for a moment and what could have brought this attitude on after so long of not even speaking.
“What is going on Lewis? Where is this coming from?” you asked him. Honestly, his apology pulled on the latch of the locked box where your love for him was in your heart but you could not get past the unexpected and abrupt nature of this confession from your mind.
“Things are…things are hard and I…I realised that I can’t get through it without you,” he eventually explained.
“The last time I helped you through a hard time you realised you didn’t love me anymore Lewis,” you bluntly told him - the sting of your break up bubbling to the surface. He sighed at that reminder. He leaned his head back on the couch once more and shook his head. He knew he damaged his relationship with you and he should have known your memory would not be short.
“I didn’t stop loving you y/n,” he clarified the truth of his heart with his eyes still shut from the heaviness he felt. You pulled the phone from your ears at that statement and took a deep inhaled and exhaled breath before putting the phone back to ear.
“I can’t do this Lewis, not now and not like this,” you told him before he said more things you couldn't hear. “I should go,” you tried to get off the phone with him and save yourself the heartache.
“Y/n wait, please don’t,” he pleaded. You would have ignored his plea but the slight crack in his voice with his pleading words stopped you. You sighed and sank down in your chair with your phone in hand. “I know you must hate me and I accept the blame for that but…I need you y/n,” his voice more audibly cracked as he continued.
“We’re a world apart Lewis,” you gently told him, referring to more than physical distance. You should have been firm with your tone but you couldn’t muster no matter how much you tried. You felt sympathy and it projected in your gentle tone of speech toward him.
“I’ll come home,” he quickly spouted in response, not having given it much thought himself. He didn’t consider his schedule, nor what your response would be.
“Home? Lewis your home is being on the road,” you told him, a touch of attitude seeping through as you remembered how his nomadic lifestyle annoyed you at times when you were together.
“No you are my home,” he snapped back even quicker than his first response, this time definitely not giving thought to the heaviness of his statement. His rapid response was met by loud silence from you. You pulled the phone from your ear and put it on your desk after he said that. It triggered you into a spiral of memories.
“Have you ever thought about where you want to live when you’re done with racing? Like where you want to call home?” you asked him one holiday evening with your head rested on his chest under the warm sun.
“Once I’m with you I’m okay,” he rubbed your thigh that laid across him with his reply.
“I mean for real Lewis, where do you want to call home?” you pushed him for an answer. He took a few seconds to actually think of an answer after your rephrased question.
“You are home for me y/n, anywhere with you I’m happy,” he said with sincerity but you rolled your eyes at his romantic response thinking he was avoiding an actual answer.
“Seriously? All the places you’ve been and you can’t even pick a top 3?” you asked him, lifting your head off his chest to look down at his face. He looked back into your eyes and smiled when he said your pinched eyebrows. He reached his hand that was on your thigh to press the sinch of your knitted brows away and pecked your lips before lying back flat.
“I have been to many places that's why I know you’re number 1 - once I’m with you I’m home,” he reiterated. You looked down at him with narrow eyes for a second, displeased with his less than concrete answer and laid your head back on his chest.
“Well since you’re going to be like that I guess I will just have to choose,” you continued to be stubborn and snuggled back into his side. He chuckled and kissed your head in response.
“Whatever you want sweetie, I’ll be happy to make wherever you are home,” he insisted on his point. You kept your face buried in his chest at that because if you were honest the comment gave you butterflies. You had dreamt up your future with Lewis in a plethora of locations but like him you knew it didn’t matter where you were, once you were together.
“Y/n…y/n are you still there,” you heard the faint sound of his voice coming from your phone on the desk in front of you.
“Lewis…Lewis I can’t,” you picked up the phone and cautioned him.
“Please, I can be there by morning,” he insisted. You closed your eyes and took deep breaths to level your thoughts and racing heart.
“Lewis…this is not a good idea,” you told him in a paced tone despite feeling your heartbeat in your ears. Lewis knew it was not a good idea but the only thing on his mind was he needed you. You started to repeat that you thought him coming was a bad idea and that the two of you should not see eachother but he was steadfast in his idea.
“Just one day y/n, tomorrow - I’ll see you then,” he insisted. You were about to continue your disagreement but someone knocked on Lewis’ door and asked for him so he sped off the phone leaving your conversation without a mutually agreed decision.
“Fuck,” you cursed, putting your phone down and dropping your head into your hands. You had not spoken to Lewis for a long time, long enough you started to believe you’d never speak to him again but time wouldn’t erase your knowledge of the man and if there was one thing you knew about Lewis - when he said he was going to do something he did it. You knew he’d find a way to show up to your home tomorrow and there was no way you could stop him.
That night you could barely sleep. You stirred with anxiety over the inevitable morning to come. You laid in the darkness of your room with the only light being that of your phone as you googled every flight from Lewis’ current location to where you were. You thought about asking him when he was coming but you didn’t want to seem like you were awaiting his arrival. You were - but you didn’t want it to seem to him like this was a welcome visit in your eyes.
The morning came and you anxiously moved around your home, arranging and rearranging things to ease your anxiety. You were so skittish when you heard knocking at your door you yelped. You took a deep breath before going to the door and checked your reflection in the mirror before answering the door to who you knew was on the other side.
Neither of you said anything when you opened the door, you both looked at eachother unsure how to break the palpable tension.
“Can I come in?” he eventually asked in a meek, tentative tone. You thought for a second if you should say no, if you should send him packing despite letting him come all the way here but you didn’t. The weakness you held for him kept you quiet.
“Yeah,” you agreed and stepped aside for him to walk in. He’d been here many times before. You had memories for every inch of the place with Lewis but he walked in like a stranger. He still had his luggage on him, he parked his 2 suitcases against the wall and stood stiffly, wiping his palms on his pants.
“Do you want some water or something?” you offered, not sure what else to say. He nodded in agreement to your suggestion, also unsure what to say or how to say what he wanted to say.
He followed you toward the kitchen and stood watching you cautiously as you got the water for him. When you gave it to him, you watched him drink the water for a moment before shaking your head and moving toward your couch. You sat, curling your legs under you and watched Lewis still standing in the kitchen with the water in hand. He looked across at you now sat with an expressionless appearance on and took another swig of water - pretending it was actual liquid courage - before walking over to you. You watched him take a seat on the opposite side of the couch with steady eyes. He didn’t look at you, he sat with his feet on the floor and his hands in his lap. He fidgeted and fidgeted moving between wiping his hands on his trousers to picking at his nails to bouncing his knee.
“Why are you back, Lewis?” you asked him, breaking the deadlock first. He turned his head to you and sighed shortly before turning his body toward you on the couch.
“I am struggling without you,” he boldly opened with. He spent the entire trip here going over what he was going to say - how he was going to ease into the topic but now that he was here his emotions took the lead.
“Struggling with what Lewis?” you asked, trying to maintain a professional tone despite the deeply personal nature of the conversation threatening to unfold. You had to do something to brace yourself from resurging the hurt you felt when he let you walk away without a fight in the past.
“Everything,” he started and moved closer to you. You leaned back but you had nowhere to go as your back was pressed against the arm of the couch. “Everything is off without you,” he insisted.
“It wasn’t off when you decided we should no longer be together,” you reminded him. He visibly winced at the reminder. You brought up the struggles of your then relationship but he was the one who in frustration put the nail in the coffin and said something to that affect.
“It was…I was just too caught up to realise what was right and what was wrong,” he said, leaning over to touch you but you leaned back.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you Lewis, enough time to realise what was right from wrong,” you continued in your defence, “a little too late here,” you grumbled and got off from the couch.
“I know, but…it’s hard to explain okay but I can’t do it without you,” he continued on the idea he initially presented.
“You need to explain it Lewis or you’re wasting my time,” you pushed him for more. He couldn’t show up to your home a year plus later with vague explanations of his emotions, “What can’t you do?” you asked him, the aggressive tone building in your voice.
“Everything y/n…keeping positive about races, pushing myself, believing…even breathing sometimes,” he started strong but faltered to speak under his breath by the end, “It feels like I’m being crushed and can’t get out,” he looked up to you with sad brown orbs. You looked at him, into his truthful heavy eyes and felt the animosity wash away. You sighed with sympathy and sat down next to him.
“How long have you felt like this?” you asked him, resting a hand on his thigh.
“A while but it’s becoming a lot,” he admitted, keeping his eyes on his lap. Lewis usually kept his negative thoughts to him, so you were not surprised but his meek body language and tone right now. He was not one to share his true emotions.
“I hate that you feel like that but how can I help you Lewis?” you asked him.
“I don’t know, all I know is you’re the only person other than dad I know I can really trust to be in my corner and I don’t know where else to turn,” he looked up to you with a heaviness in his eyes. You sighed and sat next to him, putting your hand on his thigh. “I only have regret about leaving you, I can’t do this anymore without you,” he put his hand over yours on his thigh. You looked back into his honest eyes before feeling forced to look away by the avalanche of emotions that hit you.
“I don’t know if I can be there for you to lean on only for you to walk away from me, Lewis,” you finally said after taking a pause to put words to the mixture of emotions you were feeling. Part of you wanted to jump into his arms, into the arms of the only man you truly ever loved, but the other part of you feared for your partially rebuilt strength. You didn’t know if you'd survive being without him again but you had him once more.
He didn’t reply right away this time. He gripped your hand in his larger one, giving it a squeeze and sat with you in silence for a bit. A couple minutes of contemplative silence fell before he took an audible breath and turned to you. He took both your hands in his this time and forced you to look back into his eyes. “I wish I could give you more than my promise right now y/n, but I can’t do the hard days without you or even the happy days without you. You’re the part of my life that’s missing…you were then and you are now, the home my heart needs,” he clearly professed, locking you in the spell of his brown eyes. “I’ve thought about it alot and I can’t do life without you anymore, please let me come home,” he continued as your eyes filled with uncontrollable tears. You snatched a hand out of his to pat your eyes before the tears spilled over and stood up from the couch to get some desperately needed air. You walked away from him, pressing one hand against your tear duct while walking toward your balcony.
“Baby…,” you heard him say behind you but you didn’t look back. You kept walking until you were outside in the open chilled air. You took a deep breath as you gripped onto the railing with both hands for support but it didn’t feel like the air was going past the bubble in your throat.
There were many nights you dreamed of the day Lewis would come back but now that it was here you were not ready. You closed your eyes when you felt him come to stand behind you. He put his hands on either of yours for a moment before pulling them off the railing gently and wrapping them around your body with his as cover. He held you tight against his chest, wrapped against his warmth in what admittedly still felt like comfort to your body. However, your mind was still rattling with the reality of what was happening.
“Lewis…,” you whispered his name and leaned your heavy head against his chest.
“Hmm,” he cooed, kissing your head softly with his strong arms holding you to him. You took a deep breath, trying to work up the strength to speak but on inhaling his familiar comforting scent it took you a second more to gather your strength. Once you did you turned to face him in his arms, taking a step back and forcing some space between your bodies.
“I can’t do this again just because you can’t trust other people,” you put your hands on his chest, keeping your eyes there as, “I can’t do this just for you, if you’re going to come back you need to come back for me, not for you,” you worked up the nerve to looking him in the face and voice your feelings. He opened his mouth quickly to reply but you stopped him before he got much out. “I need you to really think about it before you make a promise Lewis,” you firmly told him and slipped out of his trap and walked back into your place. Lewis stood there, looking out beyond your balcony in surprised shock. He didn't exactly think you’d fall into his arms but he also didn’t plan for you not to want him back the way he wanted you back. The wishful part of him hoped when you saw each other the planets would align and it would be like no time passed.
When Lewis walked back into your home he found you studiously at work in the kitchen with your eyebrows knit as you pulled ingredients out of the fridge. He didn’t say anything, he just stood a distance away and watched you for a few minutes move around, gather and start to chop ingredients.
“What are you making?” he eventually tentatively asked, stepping closer toward the kitchen.
“Soup,” you quickly answered, keeping your head down on your task. Lewis’ brows knitted this time before his face softened into a smile at the realisation of what exactly you were making. His soup. A phase in your relationship he was so obsessed with the same soup he invited you over to have the first day you met but he couldn’t get his hands on it anymore. You thought it was a bit silly how attached he was but you wanted to make him happy so you spent a day trying different ways to make it until it was just right. After that he’d only ask for you to make it, he no longer cared for store bought when he had you.
In this instance he didn’t bring it up that he noticed, he may not have been around for a while but he could tell you were not in a mood to talk. He just nodded and took a seat at the kitchen counter, silently watching you for any moment you needed his help but didn’t want to ask. The time came: when you needed a pot that was a touch out of reach or you wanted something from the fridge without leaving the stove. You didn’t speak much but Lewis didn’t mind. He knew he’d have to be patient with you and you having enough patience not to make him leave your home was a win enough for him. Sometimes it was like that, that you were not in the best of moods but you still showed love in small ways.
When you were done, the two of you sat at your dining table in silence. Lewis glanced at you several times, waiting for an opening to speak but you didn’t seem keen on conversation.
“Thanks for making this,” he eventually said after much internal battle on what to say and when to speak.
“You’re welcome,” you apathetically replied, keeping your eyes on the bowl in front of you. Lewis chewed his lip, playing with the soup with his spoon in the bowl trying to think of what else he could say at this time. He wasted so much time in his own head, you were finished eating before him and about to get up from the table. He was forced to watch you move about the house as if he wasn’t there. You went from the kitchen, to your couch, where you sat on your phone for a while before getting up and going toward your room now that evening was setting in. He waited a while, waiting to see if you’d come back out but his patience wore thin when you didn’t so he got up from his spot on the previously most distant couch from you to your bedroom door.
He knocked but you didn’t respond. He then called your name but you didn’t say anything right away. He thought about just opening the door himself but before he could you opened it.
“Yes Lewis,” you said to him, looking up at him with a towel wrapped around your body.
“Oh,” Lewis breathed, realising why you were gone for so long. He wished he was a better man but he couldn’t keep his eyes from looking you over with a few drops of water still stuck to your bare shoulders and your wet hair wrapped in a towel turbin.
“Do you need something?” you asked him.
“I…I was just wondering if you were okay,” he tried to cover up how awkward he felt. You frowned your brows and turned to walk away, leaving the door open behind you.
“You can come in if you want,” you told him as you walked back into your adjoining bathroom. Lewis hesitated at your door but he eventually stepped in.
He’d been in this room before of course, it was similar to the last time he was here but it was missing the memories of him. You used to have photos of the two of you on your dresser. You told him you needed them there for when he wasn’t around - he thought it was cute then so now the absence of them was blatantly obvious to him. He sighed and moved his attention elsewhere rather than lamenting on the evidence of you erasing him from your life. He looked up to where you stood in the bathroom, looking into your reflection as you raked product through your hair. He watched you for a bit before working up the courage to go toward you.
“Do you need help?” he lightly asked you, leaning on the door frame of the bathroom. You looked across at him and shrugged before telling him sure. He silently came over and stood behind you. He focused on the task he’d had in times when you were together and gently finger combed product through your hair with you.
You looked at the picture the mirror was reflecting of Lewis focused on doing your hair after you’d let go of a front section of your hair and involuntarily sighed. You’d be lying if him being here didn’t make your house feel more like home than it had in a long time but you didn’t want your heart to get ahead of your head.
“Is it okay if I stay here tonight?” Lewis asked when you were done with your hair. You looked back at him through the mirror and nodded.
“Yeah, that’s okay,” you told him. You weren’t sure if that was a heart or head decision but it felt right. Lewis left you to get dressed and you continued to silently dance around each other as he got ready for a night in together. You suggested a movie and this time he joined you on the same couch and the two of you watched the movie together. You didn’t talk much but the silence felt more comfortable as the time went on.
When it was time for bed, Lewis offered to sleep on the couch but you obviously said he could sleep in your bed. You could tell he was hopeful you would say so because he didn’t even pretend to refuse your offer. He jumped at the chance.
It was natural for you to find yourself in his arms once in bed with him. His hold felt right - like home. You wouldn’t tell Lewis but when he was gone you did try to date, you thought a more stable man, one who could be with you every night was what you needed but no man could replace the feeling of protection and comfort being in Lewis’ arms gave you - even if it was a rarity.
“I know you want me to think about it but I meant what I said, I can’t live without you y/n...whatever it takes to rebuild the trust we had I’m ready to put in the work,” Lewis said to you as you were wrapped up in his big arms. You nodded against his chest and snuggled tighter into him.
“We can talk about it tomorrow,” you told him against his chest. He nodded and kissed your covered hair.
“Tomorrow,” he happily agreed. At his highest hopes he thought coming here would end in you and him back together right away but having you back in his arms at least was a big enough win for the time being. For you, his return was unexpected and a lot for you to process, so you decided it would be better to table the redefinition of your relationship for another day. For now, you were happy going to sleep dreaming next to the man who all your dreams consisted of in your home that really only felt like home with his aura around once more.
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