Ben Carson on LSD

This began as a satire blog about absurd things Ben Carson says. Now it's a dumping ground for dumb shit that won't leave my brain.

[bencarsononlsd]

last night i had a dream where someone had installed a new showerhead in the long side of my shower and left the pipe from the old one, but i did not notice until i turned the water on and got soaked

[bencarsononlsd]

You should be careful what you write in a childrens book, because children have weird minds and will twist all kinds of strange morals out of the tiniest detail you put in the story.

Like, when I was like 8 I read this book about a kid who has this model castle in the attic of his aunt's house or something and the little lead figures of knights come to life and shrink him down so that he can stop an evil wizard or something and I don't remember very much about it other than the ending where after he comes back to the real world and only his aunt believes him so she takes the little lead figure of the evil wizard with her on a boat trip and yeets it into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and there's supposed to be a lesson about kindness or respecting others or something else that's important to teach children, but the moral that I took away from it was that if you throw your problems into the middle of the ocean no one will ever find them.

[bencarsononlsd]

Be your own collander

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Tonight I ate tempura and now my mind reading powers have increased by 10 fold. I can now see into Peru!!!

[bencarsononlsd]

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Bort

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"Brb, going to get some snorkels from Sam's Club"

-Ghandi

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Eggs are chicken seeds

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FROM TOE TO TIP, I AM NOT BART

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Llamas are just really big goats. Don't believe Big Animal Husbandry. I see through their lies with my magic toast.

[bencarsononlsd]

They want to rub peanut butter all over the economy. That is absurd and I will not do that.

[bencarsononlsd]

HErE COME THE SCREW-DRIVER-PEOPLE

I WARNED YOU ALL, BUT THE APOCALYPSE IS NOW UNDERWAYY!!

[bencarsononlsd]

Beyblades: I have got to catch them all.

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Tacos are the new space dogs. Fear them.

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The rare Australian Toast Warbler was a small bird in the swallow family that went extinct in 1972.

The species was discovered in the early 1930′s, when zoologist Harold Flint first encountered a nest while on an expedition to the outback. Named for its distinctive dark brown coloring and the unusual rough texture of its feathers, which Flint described as “uncannily like cooked toast”, the Australian Toast Warbler is thought to have been in a decline by the time it was discovered. Over the next 40 years, only a handful of members of the species were discovered in the surrounding area, the last of which died in captivity in 1972, the last known of its kind.

The Australian Toast Warbler remains an interesting subject that is hotly debated amongst modern ornithologists, as little is known about the species due to the small numbers of specimens and the short period of time in which it was known to exist.

[bencarsononlsd]

In 1924, old-timey prospectors uncovered a secret tiny civilization within Oshack Hill in southern California. Fearful of the new invading tiny overlords, the US Military used the site to test their new flamethrowers.

[bencarsononlsd]

I have a plan. No one else's plan means is smart because they don't have dolphins.