Eternally Broken.

Benjamin Gotschlak. Forever 34. Pansexual. Nephilim. Antipode Preformer for Cirque.

[benjamin-gotschlak]

For some reason I cant control my wings and they are just out.. This is awkward.

[tinkersdream-deactivated2023110]

"D-don’t worry about it alright. I’ve got a few pictures around my caravan somewhere in my caravan of my aunt. It’s my fault it’s broken anyway." He sad moving to pull some food from the ice box."We’ve got left over ribs, or I can cook you’re favorite meal." The animator suggested.

[benjamin-gotschlak]

"I'm still.. I'm still sorry about it, love." He said softly, walking to lean over the breakfast bar. "Hmmm, well I could go for some alfredo pasta." He smiled.

[benjamin-gotschlak]

~At a karaoke bar~

[tinkersdream-deactivated2023110]

Smiling a bit he brought his hand up to run through the short locks of Ben’s hair. “And I’m going to make it up to, I feel awful about this whole thing. It was all my damn necklaces fault, and it’s broken now anyway.” He said looking back over at the steps of the caravan. Shaking his head he stepped inside and went to the kitchen. “Do you want something to eat?” 

[benjamin-gotschlak]

Benjamin looked down to the necklace, "I'm so sorry, love.. I wish there was something that I could do about it." He said softly, looking up at the man he loved with a soft frown. "Um, sure, thank you, love."

[angelboy-levi-blog]

"There is a human saying, there are many aquatic species in the large body of water." 

[benjamin-gotschlak]

"B-B-But... They're not him.."

[angelboy-levi-blog]

"How..h-how dare he! Why would he say that? Why would he say something that is not true." 

[benjamin-gotschlak]

"H-He... He said it was true.. I-.. I don't know what to do... He said he wasn't coming back.."

[tinkersdream-deactivated2023110]

Shaking his head he glanced over at the bathroom. “It’s not that bad..” He muttered scratching at the back of his head. A soft sigh escaped his lips before he ran his fingers lightly across his cheek. “You may say I don’t have to…but I want to.” 

[benjamin-gotschlak]

Benjamin laughed leaning in to kiss the soft pout forming on the other's lip as he thought of his hair products, "It's that bad, but it's okay because I love you anyway." He purred, touching his cheek, "Well, you're more than welcome to make it up to me but you dont have to."

[tinkersdream-deactivated2023110]

Pulling back from Ben he laughed a bit shaking his head. “I don’t have that many hair products..” He muttered pressing his forehead to Ben’s. Sighing he pecked the others lips quickly. “Benjamin, you have..no idea how terrible I feel. I didn’t mean anything that I said. There has to be something I can do to make it up to you.” 

[benjamin-gotschlak]

"Baby.. I think you're just accustomed to it. I have one and a brush. You have like three styling gels, several combs and brushes, mouse." He laughed softly, smiling as he kissed his forehead then his lips. "You don't need to make it up to me... Y-You were just upset.."

[eliana-gonzalez-blog]

Do you think you’re the only one that applies to? I’ve been here thirty years, I was younger than that when I joined. You are not the only person who’s had heartache, Ben. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty for wanting to go, I’m wanting you to see it’s a stupid idea because it won’t make anything better. You don’t want to lose people? You lose each of us when you walk out of here! [Takes a step back and sighs] You just need time to sleep on this, you’re not thinking rational right now.

[benjamin-gotschlak]

I don't know what I'm meant to tell you, Eliana. You cant compare anyone's pain to someone else's.. It's not like the thought of leaving hadn't crossed my mind before Felix.. He's not so much my reason to go as he had been my reason to stay.. I'd never intended to be here as long as I have.. I-.. Maybe I'll just sleep on it.. See if I still want to go tomorrow.. But, the only thing stopping me is me..

[angelboy-levi-blog]

"Is he hurt?"

[benjamin-gotschlak]

"He.. He said that I was a heaven reject a-and that he must have... Lost his mind when he thought he could love me.."

[tinkersdream-deactivated2023110]

Felix looked down at their joined hands, a slight frown across his lips. “Ben..just…” He didn’t know how to continue. With a seconds hesitation Felix had his arms around Ben. Pressing his body as close as he could to the man he loved. Soft sobs shook his body as they stood in the caravan. “I love you Benjamin Gotschlak. And I am so sorry…for what I said. You aren’t any of those things I said. You are an amazing angel, and I love that about you. I love seeing all your feathers scattered around the place, I love the little crinkles you get on the bridge of your nose when you laugh. I..I even love that fact that you snore like a mack truck, and that you’re a walking space heater.” 

[benjamin-gotschlak]

Benjamin felt his arms around him and he hesitated for a moment before wrapping his arms around him like he would never let go. He kissed the top of his head and held him close as he could. "I love you more than anything, Felix Pendragon.." He whispered to him, looking into his lovely eyes. He chuckled softly at his words, "Well, I love you. And I love all your toys, despite all their little eyes constantly watching me. I even love the fact that you came in with all your hair products and took up all my bathroom counter space." He said with a small cheeky grin.

[eliana-gonzalez-blog]

Benjamin. No. Absolutely not. I’m not accepting that. How do you know he’ll accept you back? People leave all the time and don’t return. [Paused a moment before huffing suddenly and straightening up] I just found out my parents died after I joined here. Gaston slipped up during the power swap and saw their ghosts. Did I leave? No. I’m here. It doesn’t get any better if you run, it’ll catch up to you and be ten times worse. Now if I can stay here after that, so can you.

[benjamin-gotschlak]

Don't try and make me feel guilty for wanting to go.. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry for what happened to your parents but that doesn't mean that I am going to stay here because of it.. I haven't been in a place this long for years.. And now I know why I don't stay places. I always grow attached and lose people.. I don't want to lose anyone else.. If I go now.. It will hurt less.

[tinkersdream-deactivated2023110]

Finally standing up Felix looked Ben in the eye. “I..I don’t know how you can still love me after what I said to you.” Sniffing slightly he reached a hand out to wipe away his tears. “Yo-you are to good for me. I..I..don’t deserve to be with you.” He choked out. “And you deserve to be with someone who isn’t going to do this sort of thing to you..” Dropping his hand he looked back into their caravan. “I..I can understand that you don’t trust me….and you probably don’t want to be around me either..” He whispered. “Just, let me get my things…and I’ll be out of your hair. I promise.” For a moment he just looked at him, at the man he loved. At the man he would die for, and he finally saw how much he had broken him. Reaching out with both hands he clasped his lovers face, pressing their lips together gently. “I am so…so sorry I hurt you Benjamin.” 

[benjamin-gotschlak]

Benjamin didn't know how to talk. What to say. All he knew was that his heart hurt, but he didn't know why it hurt more. Was it because what he said or because of how sad he was right now.. Because the look on his face was breaking his heart. He felt the other wipe his tears gently and that only caused more to fall. "I-.." He was cut off by the pair of lips that he loved so much, that he never wanted to stop kissing. He looking into his eyes, "I-I don't want you to leave. I don't want you out of my hair F-Felix." He whispered, grabbing one of his hands to pull him closer. "What you said.. It hurt.. It hurt so much, but it doesn't hurt as much as the idea of losing you forever."

[tinkersdream-deactivated2023110]

"I-I don’t know Ben..I feel awful." Felix said before dropping the pieces to the ground. "Benjamin I honestly don’t know where that came from…." He muttered, his eyes staying on the ground. "Y-you mean the world to me Ben. And I just fucked everything up. Because I’m a prick." Leaning forward Felix pressed his head to the ground in-front of Ben. His heart lurched into his throat before he rocked back onto his feet. "B-Benjamin..you’ve got to believe me. I..I-I’ll admit that maybe…that had crossed my mind. But it was only once! When you had been so upset, and talking about all these things people had called you." Felix was just digging himself a hole at this point. "I’ve never regretted anything in my life as much as I regret what I said to you. Breaking you’re heart the way I did…I…Ben I’m so sorry."

[benjamin-gotschlak]

Benjamin didn't know what to say because he was still hurting so much. He didn't know what to think.. His lover had just said such.. Such terrible things to him. It hurt, it hurt more than anything to hear it because it wasn't those kinds of insults that are like you're an idiot, you're dumb,things like that. It was things that hit him deep and he just.. He didn't know what to do. "F-Felix... I-I don't know what to say to you.. I hurt.. Okay I hurt so much because I can't believe you.. You of all people would say that to me.." He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands, "I-I do still love you.. There's no question about that." He whispered, "But.... But I think my trust in you m-might have faltered.." 

[tinkersdream-deactivated2023110]

Felix looked up as the door opened. Thankful that he would at-least here him out. Swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat, stopping the words from coming out. Felix simply opened up his hand to show Ben the now crushed glass charm. The force with which he had been holding the object caused it to break into tiny pieces. Daring to cast his eyes up to the angel, he took in a shakey breath. Staying on his knees, Felix started to speak. “I’m sorry….I-I didn’t mean…anything that I said..I…I don’t..think you’re a reject..I..” Felix started to choke and stumble on all his words. 

[benjamin-gotschlak]

Benjamin looked down at the other's hand slowly as he made a motion at opening it, the small glass figure in his hands attatched to a gold change. "Y-You'd misplaced it.. A-And now it's broken.." He whispered. This was all because of that damned necklace and now it was broken and his heart still hurt. It didn't help because it still hurt what he'd said. It will always hurt him. "W-Why would you say that.. W-Why would that even go to your mind if you didn't at least think it.. It had to have went through your mind to say it..." He whimpered wiping still fallen tears.

[eliana-gonzalez-blog]

Of course I am, I’m Eliana. [Nods though her expression didn’t change] You’re going to stay. That’s what you’re going to do. If you leave, I’m going to jeopardize your safety by hunting you down. [Steps back and motions to him] Este es el drama de la escuela secundaria. High school drama. The girl that gets her heart broken and doesn’t go to class for a week. [Frowns, reaching out and wiping away his tears again] Maybe they can’t physically hurt you, but emotionally they can. You need a hot bath and some sleep.

[benjamin-gotschlak]

I.. Eliana.. I dont know if I want to be here anymore.. Or I just need a little time, maybe I'll take a little vacation from here.. Tell the ringmaster I need a break.. Not come back for a while... It'll be good? I don't take loss well, there is a reason that I don't like staying places long! If I do it only hurts me... 

[eliana-gonzalez-blog]

Benjamin Gotschlak. [Spoke sternly, cupping his face in her hands and forcing his eyes to stay on hers] You will not leave this Cirque, do you hear me? A break up is not going to jeopardize your safety, asi Dios me ayude. If it bothers him that you’re here, then that’s his problem, not yours. Familia. That’s what we are here. Not every family is perfect. I have problems with what I am, and I’m not running away from it. Now you listen to me. [Paused, breathing in deeply and then speaking again] You will not be leaving the Cirque, and neither will he, or I will hunt either of you down and drag you back here by your ear lobe. ¿Esta claro?

[benjamin-gotschlak]

Nothing is jeapordizing my safety.. It's not like I'm unsafe out there. They can't hurt me, no one can I'm immortal, out there and with the cirque all the same.. I do love you guys and I'd miss you but I.. I don't know what I'm going to do.. You're very intimidating when you speak spanish...