In A Burning Room

[benjy-andthejets]

marcus-bulstrode​:

“If it makes you feel any better, my husbands known for staring off at times. Although he’ll usually lie and say he wasn’t. When I say it’s common I wasn’t lying,” Marcus said a little encouragingly stirring his coffee slightly. 

Raising his eyebrow slightly Marcus didn’t really believe the other. It seemed like an excuse that Levi might make if he was perfectly honest. Something about the future everything being better. However Marcus wasn’t really in the position to press. After all, the other didn’t owe him an answer. Instead he said softly, “ I know I’m a stranger, but it is alright to be not alright. Pretending to being usually doesn’t make it true and sometimes you just have to accept the bad emotion even if it’s not for polite society. Although I do understand I’m not a person you necessarily want to talk too.” 

Marcus really didn’t know why he tried to give advice as often as he did, but he couldn’t help it. He just hoped it wasn’t entirely out of line for the other. 

Benjy let out a halfhearted chuckle. almost as if to say thank you for the reassurance. “It does, a bit, thanks.” Quinn used to call him out on it quite often when they were younger, how they would be in the middle of a conversation and Benjy would check out often. He smiled a bit at the thought, redirecting his attention to the other man. 

Blinking at the other’s statement, it took Benjy a moment to process what he had just been told. It’s alright to be not alright. For so long he had preached those words to others, but never to himself. Perhaps... it was time to follow the advice. “Er, well, on the contrary... talking to a stranger sometimes is the best form of informal therapy,” he offered with a shrug, sipping his drink. Maybe talking about it would help ease his mind. He didn’t have to go into detail, persay. 

“It’s just... well... it might be silly to dread something that happened almost twenty years ago, but... the anniversary of something rather horrible is coming up, and well...” Benjy started to get that uncomfortable feeling again that he always did when opening up to others. This time, however, it wasn’t so extreme that he couldn’t tough it out. “I guess I’ve started to think on it again, especially considering the state of the wizarding world currently...”

[benjy-andthejets]

marcus-bulstrode‌:

“You’re quite alright I’m not that much of a prude,” Marcus said with mild amusement at the thought. He’d been accused of many things over the years but being a blushing individual wasn’t one of them. Then again he was fairly sure his reputation hadn’t preceded him in this specific instance.

“Sometimes people zone out, I wouldn’t think to deeply on it.” Marcus said lightly not wanting to embarrass the other too terribly. After all there wasn’t any harm and very little foul. 

With a sigh Marcus nodded slightly at the other and said, “ The world is a very confusing place, and it’s understandable to contemplate it. In anycase, I was more asking if you were alright. It seems a bit more than just the vague pressures of an outside world.”

While the other might not have been that much of a prude, Benjy still prided himself as being someone who was more polite than that. Of course, it wasn’t to say that he never cursed at all, as he wasn’t that innocent. But he at least attempted to refrain from using those phrases unless it really called for them. 

“Of course,” he shook his head to clear it a bit. It was normal for people to zone out, this was true. However, how normal was it for people to practically live their lives checked out like this? Benjy used to be much more present, more involved in the now and things goring on around him. However, the past few months have been so confusing, that it often felt as though he was continually in an out of body experience. Almost as if he were just watching himself go through the motions, but not really ground himself in any of them. 

“Oh, yes... I’ll be alright,” he chuckled awkwardly, taking a sip. But that hadn’t been the question, had it? Not if he was going to be alright, though Benjy had flipped it in his mind. “Outside and inside pressure, I suppose.” He gave a mere shrug despite knowing exactly why he was feeling like this. It had been approaching the anniversary of the day he had come home from school all those years ago, before Hogwarts, where his mother had been attacked by that mysterious wizard whom had broken into their home. He never talked about it with anyone other than Kingsley, though it seemed to be weighing on him now more than ever, considering the circumstances of the war. 

[benjy-andthejets]

People only spend time with you because they feel bad for you. Everyone thinks you're kind of pathetic.

“As if I don’t already know that...”

[benjy-andthejets]

staygoldengilderoy‌:

Gilderoy nodded slowly. His hand where Benjy touched it felt electrified. Nothing had felt like this in ages. Not since Regulus. Which he had to admit, did give him a bit of relief. For a while he’d been worried that maybe Regulus was it for him, that after he died Gilderoy’s ability to date someone with any degree of seriousness had died as well. 

Benjy was so meticulously polite. It was sweet. how he didn’t seem to take anything for granted. He supposed that it couldn’t be blamed, given how quickly Gilderoy had vanished in the past. 

Having him this close made Gilderoy’s heart stutter hopefully. They’d just been kissing and they could kiss again at any moment. Now that he had the sense memory of Benjy’s lips again, he felt loath to lose it. 

“Are you planning on kissing me again?” He asked, smiling. “Perhaps while holding my hand?”

Benjy had to admit that though this was not at all how he had expected this day to go, he was thoroughly surprised. There had been so many variables to the situation that it felt impossible to predict how Gidleroy would react. And yet... here they were, sitting on Benjy’s couch after he had just given the other a book of quite literally all of his internal thoughts and feelings. More importantly, they were still there. 

Neither of them had fled the situation, or showed signs of discomfort. For Merlin’s sake, they had spent a short portion of the conversation analyzing their feelings, which had never been something either of them were good at. It was at this moment, when Gilderoy asked Benjy whether he planned on kissing him again that the older male had to forcefully turn off the Ravenclaw brain for a moment and stop overthinking. 

Sure, he could have given a verbal response, though knowing him and his habit of rambling on, Benjy decided against it. Instead, he laughed for a moment, enjoying seeing the smile on the other’s face for the first time in what felt like centuries.Turing Gilderoy’s hand over so that he could lace their fingers together, Benjy reached up with his other hand, cupping the man’s cheek and pulling him in for another kiss. 

[benjy-andthejets]

Rumour: Not over your ex-boyfriend.

[benjy-andthejets]

Trait: Listening

“I’ll take that. I’ve always considered myself a decent listener.”

[benjy-andthejets]

staygoldengilderoy‌:

Still feelings there. Gilderoy ruminated over that for a moment. If there were always still feelings, that put loads of little things in perspective. It was exactly why he usually just cut and run when he ended things. Feelings couldn’t linger and get problematic if he burned everything to the ground first. Though… Benjy had never been rude about it all the way some of his other exes had. He wasn’t moving away now, and he hadn’t pushed Gilderoy away even once. Not even when he’d been a right little shit and fully deserved it.

He nodded slowly. “Have there… always still be feelings?” He asked as he put Benjy’s emotions aside for the moment to try and parce his own. Just because Gil had kissed Benjy didn’t mean he could trust that action as proof of anything. After all, he kissed loads of people. It was practically his brand. 

Not many of them spent the night in his bed, though. None of them knew about the nightmares. Not even Regulus had, because of course when he’d had Regulus nothing had yet fallen to shit. But Regulus would’ve held him, too, the way Benjy had. Gil knew that. And Pandora would’ve comforted him the way Benjy had, he knew that too. If Benjy could care him the way he’d let his two favorite people, that meant something. That mattered.

“I don’t always know all of my boundaries until they’ve been stepped on.” He admitted ruefully. “But you’ve been very lovely with all of them so far.”

It was a rather slippery slope, for Benjy to admit to still having feelings for the other. On one hand, it could end beautifully, but on the other, it could ruin everything. If Gilderoy didn’t feel the same, Benjy could very well be setting himself up for further heartbreak. Then again, if he did feel similarly, and Benjy chose to repress the feelings he still harbored, he could be preventing both of them from having some form of happiness. In that moment Benjy had never wished more so that he could read minds, as it would be far easier than for the two of them to try and sleuth their way out of this conversation.

“I suppose so, yes... I mean, I hadn’t really come to realize it, until you kissed me, but I suspected it.” What other reason could have made him go to Gilderoy’s door that night and stay long enough for him to see the other have a full blown panic attack? Sure, he had painted it as just doing something kind for someone he cared about, but the level of caring had been misconstrued until now. 

As the both of them sat there, thoughts were swirling around Benjy’s mind as if they were being tossed in a blender, unable to think clearly. The kiss was nice, of course, even better now that Benjy was in his own body and the both of them were completely aware of exactly who they were kissing. However, just because they shared a kiss or two did not mean much other than that. He wasn’t sure what Gilderoy was thinking, or wanted to do, though he knew that he didn’t want to lose his connection to the other completely. If it meant repressing any possible romantic feelings, then Benjy was willing to do so. 

:”Understandable,” Benjy agreed, having often felt the same about certain things. He was comfortable enough to stop most things before they crossed a line, but there were times indeed that he hadn’t even recognized that he had a line until someone else had crossed it. It was sweet to hear that Gilderoy hadn’t thought Benjy overstepped anything. The reassurance gave him a form of comfort he hadn’t realized he sought. “I hope it wouldn’t be over stepping anything to ask if you would stay a bit longer...” he replied, softly, placing his hand over one of Gil’s as he tentatively leaned a bit closer. 

[benjy-andthejets]

marcus-bulstrode‌:

Marcus sighed at the other and said again pointing to the pitcher that the other was pouring milk into his coffee, “You’re spilling.”  Normally he would be more concerned that the stranger had just zoned out like that but he’d seen Levi do something similar when they first got Millie and he was too tired to pay attention. Without a thought Marcus swished his wand and muttered a  cleaning spell. After all, it wasn’t hard to do, and the other was probably already having a rough day.  

“Something on your mind, then?” Marcus said putting a lid on his own coffee. He really wasn’t sure if he could help, but hell the other seemed pretty rough.

It still took a second for Benjy to process what the other said, looking down and realizing in shock. “Oh! Bloody hell... sorry, didn’t mean to curse...” He was thankful for the other’s help in cleaning it up, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “Thanks... don’t know what I was thinking.” He fixed his coffee the way he had meant to in the first place, taking a much needed sip. 

“Mm... you could say that...” There was a lot on his mind lately, a balance of good and bad. “It’s nothing, really...” he waved it off at first, before giving it a second thought. “Just with all of the things in the news recently, and what not...” Benjy wasn’t a foreigner, but sometimes he felt like one. The war was getting more serious, now, and his position as a half blood wasn’t the best to be in.

[benjy-andthejets]

It wasn’t that Benjy was trying to zone out as the other was talking. He had a bad habit lately of becoming distracted at the most inconvenient times. Sooner or later, Benjy had to admit that the conversation got to a point where he was so disconnected he hadn’t even retained anything that was being said to him. “Sorry... run that by me again?”

[benjy-andthejets]

staygoldengilderoy‌:

He felt a little bit like he’d somehow managed to turn off his own brain and revert back to someone he’d not consciously related with since before Regulus died. It felt like he could trust someone again. Last time he’d trusted someone to this degree they’d been murdered in alley. Could he do this again, would it end differently? Regulus had been shining, glittering, wonderful. He outshone everyone in the room without trying. Benjy was steady, gorgeous, kind. He didn’t need to outshine anyone because Gil would always tell when he entered a room.

“Well, that’s very kind of you.” Gilderoy said faintly, not moving away. He still had Benjy’s notebook sitting his lap and his own heart beat furiously in his chest. Even though Gil had pushed them both off this cliff, he wasn’t really sure what to do with the free-fall. “It was definitely appreciated.”

How did he keep himself from not getting destroyed by this, the same way he’d been after losing Regulus. Gil wasn’t certain that could survive a loss like that again. He’d barely made it out of the first one intact. 

“What do we do now?” He asked. “I’m… I’m open to suggestions.”

All of this... it felt like a dream. A dream that felt too good to be true, and for that reason Benjy was praying he didn’t wake up soon to find himself alone in an empty flat. Even had it not been a dream, he was almost positive that there was a chance Gil could run away at any moment. He might have even expected it, which had been why he was so apprehensive in the first place to confess that he still had some sort of feelings for the other. 

Yet here they were, speaking quite formally and intellectually like two Ravenclaw boys would about poetry and a kiss. Talking, but more importantly, not running away. There was still little distance between them after pulling from the kiss, which made the situation all the more intimate and nerve wracking at the same time. “That’s a relief,” Benjy responded, a nervous chuckle leaving his lips. 

“Well, erm— I don’t know...” They were going to have to talk about it at some point, might as well be now. Benjy hoped that Kingsley could at least be proud of him for getting it off of his chest, even if he didn’t quite agree with Benjy’s taste. Quite frankly, he was amazed that Gilderoy was still sitting on his couch, and hadn’t disappeared again. “I suppose at the very least I just wanted to confess, because, well... there are still feelings there... Though at the same time I didn’t want to overstep any boundaries...”

[benjy-andthejets]

I am not the only traveler Who has not repaid his debt I've been searching for a trail to follow again Take me back to the night we met

And then I can tell myself What the hell I'm supposed to do And then I can tell myself Not to ride along with you

I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Oh, take me back to the night we met

When the night was full of terrors And your eyes were filled with tears When you had not touched me yet Oh, take me back to the night we met

@staygoldengilderoy

[benjy-andthejets]

staygoldengilderoy‌:

Gilderoy blinked as his mind worked through the wealth of information just handed to him. He’d known the Order had been there (after the fact, but whatever) and he’d kissed so many different people. Any one of them could have been Benjy. With a tinge of surprise, Gil realized he felt a bit of loss at the realization he’d likely not know unless Benjy specifically told him who he’d gone as. After all this time, he felt like he ought to just know.

He didn’t really need to know why Benjy wouldn’t have wanted him to find out. After all, Gil’d been the one to ditch everything and run at the first sign of something real all those years ago. Gil had been the one to hide himself away in the bathroom for hours when a situation had gotten too close to home. Gil hid every step of the way towards this new thing they kept dancing and circling around, and he could hardly blame Benjy for wanting to be the one to run first for once.

He knew from his own experience that the longer the silence stretched the more likely one of them was to bolt, and the more likely it would be him. Already he could feel his body priming for it: muscles tensing, shifting in his seat.

But if he ran away this time he’d never ever stop running, not ever. Gil wasn’t sure that he wanted that.

“You felt bad that I kissed you when I didn’t know it was you?” Gil repeated. “That feels logical.” How very Ravenclaw of both of them.

Benjy had shown him his notebook, Benjy had asked him, Benjy held him while he cried, Benjy slept beside him through nightmares, Benjy was right there.

Gilderoy closed the gap between them and covered Benjy’s lips with his own.

It was soft, and gentle, and real.

“There.” He said when he pulled away. “I’ve kissed you knowing exactly who you are.”

Benjy stared at the other, trying to see if he could guess what he was thinking. The man looked confused, that was for sure, but other than that, Benjy hadn’t a clue.It felt almost as if he had just delivered world changing news, or something so bizarre that it was hardly believable. Then again, that was probably what this felt like. Waiting for a reaction from the other however was probably the most nerve wracking part of this experience. 

For a moment he wondered if he should say something else; break the silence that was growing after the confession. It was as if you could feel the intensity warm and thick in the surrounding air, almost as if it were suffocating. Benjy felt himself holding his breath for however long had passed before Gilderoy said anything else. At the very least, at least Gilderoy could understand where he was coming from. He hadn’t intended any trickery that night, and would have avoided kissing him if possible. Not because he hadn’t wanted to, but for the very reason he mentioned, that he would rather do it as himself. 

“I’m glad you think so,” he replied, trying to hide the nervousness in his voice as he swallowed the lump in his throat. Before Benjy could say anything else, Gilderoy was suddenly closer—much closer— and their lips were touching. 

For a moment, Benjy was disconnected, shocked at the gesture. However, he relaxed into the kiss quickly, accepting it willingly. Everything suddenly felt like a dream sequence. As they pulled away, Benjy’s eyes could only look down, still in awe that Gilderoy had actually kissed him. His hand involuntarily reached up, fingers lightly touching his own lips after the kiss, as if to feel the imprint made by Gil’s. Now it was Benjy’s turn to be flabbergasted. 

“Huh... I.. suppose you’re right...” Snapping out of it, Benjy finally brought his eyes up to meet the others, slowly leaning closer to return the kiss, cupping Gilderoy’s cheek in his hand. This kiss was perhaps a second or so longer than the first before pulling away. “I thought I should perhaps return the gesture...”

[benjy-andthejets]

☘ How to be an angel

“Erm, well, I’m not really sure if that’s possible, logistically. At least, not physically. Oh... did you mean in the sweet way? Right, well, in that case... I guess, just be kind to people? It’s gotten me far enough.”

[benjy-andthejets]

staygoldengilderoy‌:

It took a moment for Gilderoy to puzzle through the words Benjy gave him in piecemeal. The anxiety in his gut over the potential of slighting his friend, or of doing something to hurt him without even knowing it, set in hard and fast. Polyjuice. That means Benjy could have been anyone at all. Gil had seen so many people and they’d rather run together.

Most of the people at the party he’d run into ended up kissed or flirted into blushing messes. Had Benjy been one of them? Maybe that’s what had scared him off. Generally getting flirted with an ex isn’t something people looked forward to, and Gilderoy was shameless. Had he been truly horrible? But Benjy had given him these poems. This reminder of the ways they were the same, of how they both kept secrets of themselves. 

“What was it that I did, that scared you?” Gilderoy asked, careful. “I didn’t… I know that I tend to be a little, umm, over the top, in parties. Was it… I mean, you invited me here. You gave me…” he stroked the notebook. “Why were you scared?”

Benjy hated this. He was already sweating and he hadn’t even gotten out what he wanted to say. What did he want to say, even? There was no easy way to tell someone you still had feelings for them without blurting out that exact phrase. Perhaps it would be easier to just... explain that he was in the Order. That would be a good start, at least. “Hm? Wh— Oh, no, no, I wasn’t scared... Well, not of you. I mean...” He was scared of blowing his cover, but he wasn’t scared of Gilderoy or by anything he had done. “I was scared that I was going to give myself away. Or, worried, at least. See... I was there on a um, well, an Order mission...”

He would have to trust that Gilderoy wouldn’t ask more questions than that, as Benjy didn’t want to reveal anything that could get anyone in trouble. He didn’t think that Gil would ever put him in that position, but in times of war you had to be extra cautious. “You were fine, I promise, it wasn’t you. I um... well...” Rubbing the back of his neck rather nervously, Benjy took a breath. “You kissed me, and I guess I just... sort of felt guilty, about it, because you didn’t know that it was me?” 

At this point, Benjy wasn’t even sure if that made any sense, but nevertheless, that’s what he was going with. “And I left shortly after, because the polyjuice was starting to wear off... and erm... Well, I didn’t want you to find out.” He hadn’t wanted to jeopardize his mission, but also he didn’t want to scare Gilderoy that night either. “But that’s not why I showed you my notebook. I wanted to, anyway,” He hadn’t chosen to do so out of guilt, and didn’t want it to come across that way. But, he figured, while Gilderoy was already over, he might as well get his confessions out into the open. 

[benjy-andthejets]

valerijanovak‌:

Benjy understood better than most people.  It wasn’t that she was defined by her past experiences so much anymore.  Every part of where she was today was shaped by what she had gone through when she was a child, but she was done allowing it to define her – and if she were going to keep to that she needed to stay away from Bulgaria.  The second she stepped back into her hometown all this strength would crumple and she’d be a scared little girl all over again.  But she just nodded – he understood, they didn’t need to get too deep into it.

“My parents –” she paused, trying to gather the words she wanted to use.  “my parents are.  They aren’t great.  They aren’t bad people, but I also don’t feel as tied to them as like… my brother, I guess.  But I am not opposed to going to see them.  I suppose I miss them?  It’s just not something I think too much about.”  She shrugged.  “I need to talk to Vanja.  I think if he comes I would be okay with going – but I don’t know.  It’s not that I don’t want too – I really can’t describe where my mind is right now.  I just – I don’t know.”

Despite the fact that Benjy was an only child, he had his two cousins that he grew up with that sort of acted as siblings. He knew that family situations could be complicated, but also that sometimes siblings had a better bond than child and parent. It was understandable, then, that Valerija would cling to her brother more than their parents. “Sure, I get that,” he nodded. Not once had Benjy assumed that Valerija’s parents weren’t lovely people, but even parents made mistakes sometimes, and didn’t always know the best way to interact with their kids.

“It’s not a crime to miss your parents, Valerija,” Benjy teased. “But I understand your apprehension. You should talk to your brother if you think that’s best. Maybe don’t think about it too much then, until you have to?” he suggested. Bnejy wasn’t quite sure how to go about advising her, so rather than try to make it a bigger deal, he chose to validate her concerns instead. “Would you like a distraction, instead? Take your mind off of it for a bit?”

[msdaisymacnair]

Book Club

[benjy-andthejets]

msdaisymcnair‌:

Daisy hadn’t realized how refreshing it would be to have closer friends now that she was finally feeling settled here in the UK. It was starting to feel like she had different people for different interests and occasions, and she no longer felt like an outsider trying to squeeze her way in. She was in. She’d been accepted by people who hadn’t realized they were giving her a gift, and she appreciated that greatly. 

“Always indeed,” she agreed. Daisy smiled and then realized she probably shouldn’t keep Benjy too long when he’d been here for other purposes. “Speaking of kindness, I don’t want to be rude and keep you if you had somewhere you were supposed to be. Are you all right to hang out and chat a bit longer? I promise I’m good either way.” She probably should get back to errands, but that could wait. Daisy wasn’t on any kind of timeline for her afternoon. It wasn’t like Walden was expecting her at a particular time.

When Daisy asked if he was alright to stay for a bit, Benjy had to look at his watch. Often times when he got carried away he forgot to keep an eye on the time, and would ramble on for hours. His brows furrowed slightly at the realization that he really should be getting on with the rest of his day, though he did enjoy talking to Daisy. “Actually, I really should be going, but I would love to pick up on this conversation. Another time, perhaps?” he offered, hoping that she would be alright to agree to that.

“You could always stop by for a cuppa. Just send me an owl whenever,” he offered, with a polite smile, as he began to pack up his things. It was a different feeling, to talk with Daisy. Somehow, Benjy felt like he didn’t need to worry whether he was giving too much of his own self away. Talking with her was just... easy. Simply put, anyway. “Til next time,” he smiled, holding out his hand to shake hers as a bit of a formal farewell. Whenever next time was, Benjy made sure to make note that he would need to have read up on their book reccomendations.

{ end }

[benjy-andthejets]

staygoldengilderoy‌:

“I do.” Gilderoy said, still running his fingers over the spine of the notebook. There were truths hidden inside the words, truths that Benjy had handed over so willingly. It struck Gil how little he knew of his friend– were they friends? they weren’t enemies at least– and how much may lay itself out on these pages. The fact that he’d been gifted the notebook so casually made him want to cherish this moment.

At the mention of the Yule Ball, Gilderoy looked up. He didn’t remember seeing Benjy there. Then again he and Mafalda had definitely been focused on getting a kiss from Marcus Bulstrode. Perhaps Benjy had been there and somehow Gilderoy hadn’t noticed. Though he was fairly certain that he’d remember seeing Benjy gorgeous and dressed up. 

“I didn’t know you were there.” He said as leaned a bit closer. Surely if Benjy had been there, he would’ve seen Gilderoy.  After all, he had made sure to be unforgettable in every single way. “You should’ve come and said hello! I was quite the scene. Still have that outfit somewhere if you were want to see it.”

It was apparent on Gilderoy’s face that he was surprised at Benjy’s confession to being at the Yule Ball. It was a precarious situation, as he didn’t want to give too much away as to why exactly he was there, and why he wasn’t himself, more importantly. He had been there on a mission for the Order, but he couldn’t exactly tell Gil that. It wasn’t as though he didn’t trust the man. If that were the case he sure as hell wouldn’t have allowed the man to read his poetry. But, at the same time, Benjy really didn’t want the Order breathing down his neck about exposing them. 

“Oh, well... I um.. I was there,” he nodded, feeling a bit anxious. “It’s okay, really, I did see it. It looked quite lovely,” Benjy assured him, not wanting to put him through the trouble of digging it out. “But that’s what I wanted to talk about. Technically, er... I did come by to say hello... Only, it... wasn’t exactly me,” he confessed. 

Benjy paused, waiting to see if Gilderoy would pick up on it himself before adding more. He hadn’t expected him to, really, but the pause in explanation would give him a moment to attempt to come up with an explanation. “I left before you could have figured it out, because... well... I was scared, I suppose.” For what reason, he left out, though there were multiple. “It was the polyjuice.”