ICARUS;

benny ? twenty, student, phoenix, but still like dust i rise.

[bennywilliams-blog1]

          benny, as always, was wrapped in a thick blanket of words. numerous books and papers were spread in front of her. she flipped the page and scrawled out a few notes, eyes scanning over line after line. it was enough to distract her from noticing that someone had joined her, completely oblivious to the world outside her own.

[bennywilliams-blog1]

faerienate:

The moment their lips met, Nate remembered what he couldn’t earlier, the last time they had kissed. It was only a couple of days ago, she had brought his costume to him and he had half-heartedly kissed her goodbye. He had been more irritated with her than anything else for forcing this costume at him, and he had decided even before he kissed her that he wouldn’t wear it. And now here he was, wearing the same costume, not because he was forced to but because he was hoping to please her a little if he could. He could sense the difference in their kisses before and now, something had changed between them, at least for him, everything was different. Benny didn’t let this kiss last long, pulling away from him far too soon. She didn’t completely step away though, which was a relief to him, he didn’t think he could deal with that. The warmth of her lips leaving his made him feel like he was losing a part of himself and he wanted nothing more than to get that feeling back again. Her words make him take a sharp breath. Again, she didn’t have to tell him what she meant. His thumb went up to brush her tears away, he remembered how much he had wanted to do that earlier but had stopped himself. But now he didn’t have to stop himself anymore, he didn’t want to. He was afraid of what could come of letting her in, with Benny he was scared of so many things, but maybe it was okay to keep his fears aside and let himself feel for once. “I know.” His words were barely a whisper and it terrified him to be telling her this. But he knew he didn’t want to see her hurt, and he didn’t want himself to be in pain and if such a simple thing as telling her the truth was going to save them, then why shouldn’t he. “I know, Benny, I – “ Another deep breath, another moment of weakness but looking into her questioning eyes made Nate more confident. A hand slid around her waist pulling her slightly closer to him, the other tracing her cheek in the pretence of tucking her hair behind her ear. “I didn’t realize this before, I really don’t know when I started to love you. But what I know now is that I do. I love you, Benny, and I want to be with you. I want to do things differently and  maybe then I won’t end up hurting you like I have hurt you now.”

          benny hadn’t realized how much she missed him these days. while nate had been a distant guy when they first started dating, if you could even call it that, it had been feeling more like a one sided crush lately. as if she was being lead on. she could kiss him, sometimes, and hold him, sometimes, but she didn’t feel loved. it was only then, in that moment, when his hands were holding her face as if she would break under any more pressure and when his lips were against hers and for the first time in hours she forgot what the word anxiety meant and when she came home and finally he was there to greet her. that is when she finally felt loved. it was if the world began and ended just with the name he said so softly, so shakily, as if it were too fragile against his teeth. she couldn’t remember a time when he had seemed to care so much for her, to truly mind what it was that bothered her, if he was the reason. i know. she let him pull her closer, grateful to finally be in his arms once more. benny couldn’t remember when she had started crying, but a tear ran down her cheek and she pressed against his hand, as if she could get any closer to him, unsure of what was to come. knowing him, a part of her was confident he would tell her he couldn’t do this anymore. he couldn’t masquerade as someone who loved this poor broken fire of a girl. her head fell. i love you. the world stopped. she looked up suddenly, eyes wide and flushed with tears and before she knew it she was smiling and crying at the same time because fuck she almost lost him there. benny, a sob combined with a laugh escaping, pressed her hand against his jaw, fingers in his hair, and pressed her lips against his. she grinned, their teeth hitting awkwardly, but she didn’t care. “i love you too.”

[bennywilliams-blog1]

faerienate:

Nate narrowed his eyes, noticing her eyeing his costume up and down and smirking. “Yes, I know I look ridiculous, no need to laugh about it.” he said, his expression softening even as he spoke. “But I decided that you’re worth this, and much more.” He looked away just as the words left his lips, taking his time to let Atlas back down on the floor. Her question sounded simple but he wasn’t blind to the meaning it held, he could easily see that what she said wasn’t what she meant. His eyes were on hers again and he took a step closer to her, having to hold his hands to his sides so as to stop himself from sliding them around her and pulling her close to him. “Atlas hasn’t kicked me out yet, though. So I am hoping maybe she does want to see me?” he said softly, sighing at her question. He didn’t really see the point of stalling, he was here for a reason. But it was like his reflex to simply avoid such situations and conversations. It wasn’t easy for him to do exactly the opposite of what he usually did, which was to admit his feelings instead of running away from them “I am here because - because I - “ He couldn’t bring himself to tell her what he was her to say. He took a deep breath and tried to speak again but he didn’t manage any words, simply felt like he was choking. When words failed Nate, he let go of his physical restraint and cupped her face in his hands, leaning forward and pressing his lips to hers.

          benny smiled softly at what seemed like a casual exchange, trying to decide whether it would be less painful to not be having this conversation at all. it felt too normal, as if both of them were ignoring what had happened. her heartbeat hammered in her ears. you’re worth this. the words turned over in her mind and she almost felt like crying. “no, i guess she hasn’t,” the phoenix said, swallowing. she wasn’t sure why, exactly, but just that she hadn’t. there was something about the confrontation that felt different; like there was more to it like nate just trying to get back in her good graces. this one felt like a sincere apology. he wasn’t running this time. her stomach turned as he stepped closer. his hesitance sparked a small twinge of doubt in her stomach. maybe this was just another — albeit extravagant — attempt to stop her from being angry. did he love her, or merely the idea of her? did he even love her in any facet? “nate, i —” she started, only to be stopped by hands against her face, too familiar and sending something like hope braiding itself down her spine. it was then that his lips pressed against hers and a mildly terrifying sense of homecoming spread through her body. it took her a moment, a moment that summoned a few tears to her eyes. she was tempted to stay there, in this embrace, with her fists clutching the material of this dumb shirt for dear life, but something lingered. “nate,” she said quietly, pulling away for a moment, searching his face, moving her hand to press softly against his cheek. “i meant it. what i said.”

[bennywilliams-blog1]

faerienate:

Nate honestly had never appreciated how beautiful Benny was before this minute.  It was as though he was seeing her in a completely new light. She looked dead tired, her hair was messy, eyes puffy and she wore a really ugly t-shirt but even with that, Nate found her to be the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. Seeing her made him feel like he was breathing again. The last couple of hours after he had left her alone at the party had made him feel like he was drowning and now, finally, he could breathe. But just seeing her wasn’t enough for him, he yearned to close the gap between them, kiss her, tell her that he was sorry and make everything right again. He smiled slightly when she asked what he wanted, quite relieved that she hadn’t just shut the door on him. “You know what I want. I left the party of the year, went home and dressed up as this - this - Sam, was it?, drove here at a million miles an hour at two in the morning to see Atlas of course.” he said solemnly. At the mention of the name, Atlas left her and came to Nate and he knelt down and picked the cat up in his hands. “Would you hold this for me, maybe?” he asked a smile playing on his lips as he extended a hand and gave her the flowers which she was yet to take from him, balancing her cat carefully in his other hand. 

          benny shifted under his gaze. she couldn’t remember him looking at her that way before, and it was truly disconcerting. the way he stared at her made her feel warm and safe and precious, but not long ago his words had betrayed this. the phoenix had to keep herself from running at him, wrapping her arms around him and refusing to let go. she crossed her arms and tried to breathe steadily, though it came out shaky. she studied him, the costume he was wearing. it looked truly ridiculous on him. he was like an overgrown boy scout with a raccoon hat on. a smile threatened to burst across her face, accompanied by a laugh, but she kept it to an amused smirk-like expression. then she was hit again by the circumstance and her face softened. “what if atlas doesn’t want to see you?” she asked softly, broken, taking the flowers from his hand. she, of course, was referring to herself, though she definitely did want to see him. she wanted to be with him all the time, but she couldn’t tell him that. benny tried not to smile again at the image before her; nate dressed up as an overgrown runaway boy scout with a raccoon hat holding atlas and petting her softly. “really, nate,” she said after a moment. “why are you here?”

[wordsnquotes]

She wasn’t bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time.

Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower (via odaro)

[bennywilliams-blog1]

faerienate:

The last few hours had been a whirlwind of emotions for Nate, his mind completely occupied with thoughts which he couldn’t escape from despite him desperately wanting to. Needless to say he tried to distract himself as best as he could but he was unable to get Benny’s face out of his head. Hours passed this way and it was then that he decided that he didn’t have a choice, she was whom he needed and she was right there, all he had to do was go and get her, then this whole nightmare would be over. He had cringed when he dressed in the costume she had picked out and looked at himself in the mirror in his room, he looked stupid to say the least but for once, he didn’t care. Driving to her house as fast as possible, Nate got out of his car, it was long past midnight when he finally got there. He knocked the door waiting patiently for her to open and for the first time ever, he was scared that she wouldn’t want him there. He didn’t think about what he would do if she kicked him out and he hoped that it wouldn’t go that way. He smiled hesitantly when the door finally opened. “I know I am late for the party but Happy Halloween.” he said producing a flower bouquet out of thin air. 

@bennywilliams

          “...and most of all, i’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way i feel when i’m with you,” benny said in unison with baby, muffled by the pretzels she’d shoved in her mouth. the crumbs dropped down the sweatshirt of nate’s she’d stolen, the one that practically swallowed her whole. her cheeks were stained with tears, wet eyes reflecting dirty dancing, a movie she watched whenever someone particularly upset her. especially nate. the whole night had been a mess. benny wanted desperately for him to show up, making some big romantic gesture, maybe boombox careless whisper outside her window, but even then she wasn’t sure what she would do. just as she was contemplating this, taking a swig of vodka, a knock came at the door. she nearly choked on the drink, wiping it off her chin and leaping from her couch, rubbing her fingers beneath her eyes to wipe away any excess tears and brushing the pretzel crumbs from her sweatshirt. she paused the movie, gave atlas a quick pat, and shuffled her way over to the door, nearly falling over at the sight of nate through the peephole, all fish-eyed and costumed. realizing what she was wearing, she quickly discarded the sweatshirt to the side and straightened out the big t-shirt, opening the door hesitantly. she stared at him for a moment; stared at the flowers in his hand, forgot to listen to what he was saying. “what do you want?” she asked before her brain could even process the situation, sounding congested and tired. benny rubbed her eye with the palm of her hand and sniffled as atlas nudged her calf, weaving between her legs softly.

[bennywilliams-blog1]

faerienate:

Nate couldn’t turn away, not when she was looking at her the way she did. There was no hate or anger in her eyes, only hurt and pain. And he absolutely hated that he was the reason behind that. She merely uttered a word or two but even with that, Nate could sense how different and distant she sounded even though she stood there right before him. All he had to do was take a couple of steps forward and press his lips to hers. The pain she felt, the pain he felt, everything could be erased so easily. It was that simple. Before he knew what he was doing his legs had carried him forward and suddenly there was very little space between them. His hand went up her cup her cheek and he brushed a tear away with his thumb. He took a ragged breath as he glanced down as her lips, trying to remember the last time he had kissed her but he couldn’t. It didn’t really matter though because he knew if he kissed her right now it would be different, it would mean something completely different. His thumb traced her lower lip for barely a second before he dropped his hand to his side and turned invisible. It was a reflex, turning invisible to avoid his problems and it felt absolutely stupid to be doing this now. But this wasn’t just an escape, he was sure his feelings showed plainly on his face and he didn’t want her to see that, nor did he want her to watch him walk away from her. He wasn’t sure what he really wanted but he was sure that he simply couldn’t walk away  if her eyes stared into his with such intensity. He took a few steps back, his eyes still fixed on her but felt somewhat relieved that hers weren’t focused on him anymore. 

          had she cared, benny could’ve watched a cup fall from someone’s hands in slow motion, the fluttering skirt of a dress as it turned, the youngest velazquez’s slow descent to the floor. but all she could see were the parts of his face that began erasing themselves before her eyes. all she could feel was the faded breath of a hand she hadn’t had to power to reach up and hold in place. benny watched, helpless and stony and numb as the man began to burn away from the world. she could still feel the thumb that pushed a tear from her face, that ghosted its way across her lower lip, the echoes of hope turning into sobs that pushed against the back of her teeth. she was frozen. there was nothing. the party might as well have come to a complete stop. the image of him, halfway in front of her, burned into her memory. and then, in an instant, he was gone. in the last moment of muffled, still, underwater feelings, came a whispered, “i love you.” she could hear again, the pounding music that was suddenly giving her a headache, the laughter and movement around her bursting back to life as she muted a sob. she covered her mouth, trying not to let herself make a sound, keep her knees from buckling and making her topple to the floor.

[bennywilliams-blog1]

faerienate:

At this point Nate was literally hoping for her to yell at him and leave but there was no such luck. What happened was the worst possible outcome he could ever have expected to happen. It wasn’t even the fact that she had started to cry right in front of him, it was that he felt the urgent need to comfort her, to take her in his arms, kiss her tears away and tell her that everything was going to be fine. And he didn’t want that. He didn’t want himself to feel this way about Benny or anyone else for that matter. Love had destroyed him once and he didn’t want to give it an opportunity to destroy him again. “Yeah, so.” he croaked, his hands balled into fists to stop himself from doing the one thing he yearned to do this instant which was to wrap his arms around her and let her have what she wanted, whatever she wanted. “So I am just going to go, I have other plans.. with other people.” 

          she could feel her heart beating everywhere. and though she felt that blood was coursing through her veins, a distinct, almost unfamiliar feeling of coldness ran through her body. she couldn’t remember feeling like this. heat, warmth, had become her life. and suddenly it was as if someone had thrown ice cold water over her head. the once near flaming fingers felt icy and dead, like they weren’t her hands anymore. it was then that she realized there were tears streaming down her face, barely registering that she was bumping into people behind her. they jostled her slightly, unaware, though it seemed benny didn’t notice at all. she had been staring at him for a few silent moments, tears forming small pools in her collarbones. “yeah,” she said, not breaking eye contact. “of course.” her words weren’t malicious, but almost eerily understanding.

[bennywilliams-blog1]

faerienate:

Nate was almost certain she was going to lose it, the whirlwind of expressions which showed plainly on her face sort of scared him but when she opened her mouth to speak it sounded as though she had completely given up. As she pulled away from him and started to step back, Nate let his hand drop to his side but he felt a lump on his throat seeing how upset he had made him. He wanted to pretend that this was just about that dumb costume but he knew that it was a lot more than that. And he didn’t want that, he didn’t want to feel anything real for anyone. “Come on, Benny.” he said, attempting to sound like his usual self but failing miserably. Despite himself, his voice sounded low and strained. “We didn’t exactly say that we were exclusive or anything, right? We weren’t - there wasn’t - ” He shrugged and left that hanging, hoping she got his point even though he wasn’t sure if that was what he wanted. 

          his voice was strange and unfamiliar, and benny tried desperately not to throw herself into his arms. not to let him wrap around her, make him feel as if he could keep something - someone - safe. make him better. love him. she steeled herself, pressing her fingernails into her palms, and breathed. she felt better even as a few tears started to drop from her eyes. benny couldn’t be sure, really, what she was crying about. it sure as hell wasn’t the costume, or even necessarily the way he was saying things, but just the idea of not being around him. being around this stupid idiot that maybe she - she didn’t know what - that maybe she could fix somehow, though he didn’t really need fixing. she was so busy with these racing thoughts that the idea he’d been seeing other people barely sweeped her mind. “yeah, no, definitely,” she said, her voice hidden and smothered by tears.

[bennywilliams-blog1]

connorreborn:

Connor smiled when he saw Benny talking to Sophia and little girl replying with ‘I am Pascal the chama-le-leon’. Having had not found their conversation at the roof to be even remotely rude on his side, Connor simply spoke as though nothing was the matter. “Hi Penny. What are you wearing?”

         “that is the best chameleon costume i’ve ever seen,” she said with a bright smile, waiting patiently as she dug around for a candy. the phoenix looked up momentarily. “benny,” she said softly. “i’m, uh, i’m suzy bishop from moonrise kingdom.”

[bennywilliams-blog1]

faerienate:

It was no surprise that she wasn’t getting the impression of a sincere apology because Nate wasn’t really trying. He was wondering what exactly to do to make her stop her little drama but as she continued to speak he felt himself start to feel slightly guilty. Nate hadn’t expected the conversation to take the turn it did. And in all honesty, for once, he wasn’t sure what to say. Her eyes held emotion so intense that he had to look away from her. “i - uh. I just didn’t think you’d mind.” he mumbled, his grip of her waist slacking. “I mean - I thought you knew that I wasn’t the type to keep promises or.. anything.” 

          something in benny twisted when he looked away from her. there was a subtle guilt in his eyes, something she wasn’t accustomed to seeing. she felt the overwhelming urge to pull him a bit closer, take his hand in hers and press soft kisses against his eyelids, but a louder, brighter flame burned within her. it was white hot, filled with so much anger that the anger became sadness and so much sadness that the sadness became resignation. the phoenix searched his face for something, anything, about ready to cry and scream and burn when an overwhelming feeling of acceptance washed over her. “right, yeah,” she said, voice cracking as she willed tears to stay behind her eyes. “yeah,” she pulled away from him, swallowing hard and walking backwards. “yeah.”

[bennywilliams-blog1]

( — CONNOR )

It was his  daughter’s first Trick or Treat and when the four year old seemed finally satisfied with both their costumes (Pascal and Flynn) they went out together with a basket in her hand, much to her excitement. ‘Trick or Treat’ Sophia shouted happily as the door they had knocked on opened up. 

          “happy halloween!” benny greeted excitedly, a grin taking over her face. “and what might you be, kiddo?” she asked, crouching down and holding up a bowl of candy. she looked up, catching a glimpse of the man that had been so cold to her on the roof. her smile faltered. “uh hi.”

[bennywilliams-blog1]

( — NATE )

“What if I do mean it?” he asked as he walked alongside her, wrapping an arm around her waist. He was about to say that he was more likely to  throw himself off a bridge than to wear that costume but he bit his lip to stop himself, it was so obviously going to make her more mad. But her freaking out was making him slightly annoyed. “I don’t know, Benny. How about you maybe stop overreacting?”

          “really? cause i’m not getting that,” she said, feigning surprise. “it’s not about the costume,” benny said, exasperated, vaguely annoyed by the arm wrapped around her waist. “it’s like — “ a pause. a sigh. “i’m supposed to be worth it. right? i know you — you hate costumes and stuff but i’m supposed to be worth that.” she searched his face. “and if i’m not, that’s fine, but you need to tell me. i need to hear that. just say it,” she demanded. ”i can take it,” the phoenix said, as if she really could.

[faerienate-blog]

“What the - “ Nate looked  incredulously at her reaction, it was obvious that she was seriously upset. “Come on, Benny.” he said rolling his eyes as she turned and started to walk away. He almost considered staying back but knew that’d only make everything worse. He raced after her, catching up with her easily. “Would saying sorry help anything?” he asked in a mildly apologetic tone, as he grabbed her hand to stop her from walking away. 

[bennywilliams-blog1]

          she wasn’t sure why nate’s costume ( or lack thereof ) had made her so upset, but she stormed off anyway. “not if you obviously don’t mean it,” she said, yanking her hand away from his. “it’s not like i asked you to throw yourself off a bridge, nate. just this one little thing. for me. and you act like i’m saying something ridiculous! what is it? what do i have to do?” benny asked, suppressing tears as her voice threatened to crack. 

[faerienate-blog]

Nate smirked. “The costume you got me was beyond absurd. Don’t tell me you actually expected me to wear that. Please.” 

[bennywilliams-blog1]

          she wanted to scream at the tears that welled up behind her eyes. “beyond — ? you know what, fuck you, i don’t know why i even try,” benny said, turning on her heel and starting to walk away.

[faerienate-blog]

Nate relaxed at her touch, turning to her and nodding. “Are you sure?” he asked, sounding concerned before he took a deep breath and started to drive again. “I mean I don’t want you to burn down my car - it’s insured and all but I kind of like this one.” 

[bennywilliams-blog1]

          “yeah,” she said trying to smile reassuringly. “oh, that’s what you’re worried about?” she joked, hoping to lighten the mood. she hated fighting, but sometimes nate got on her nerves.

[faerienate-blog]

“Aw, look at you wearing all pink and all.” he said laughing. “You look kind of ridiculous but also cute.” 

[bennywilliams-blog1]

          benny couldn’t figure out whether to laugh or to cry. “are you serious right now, nate? are you fucking with me?”