bermonolog

[bermonolog]

besar tapi kosong.

[bermonolog]

seperti ada yang mengganjal, tanpa bisa kujelaskan itu apa. tidak ada yang salah, namun ada sesuatu yang rasanya tidak tepat. entah ini hanya suara-suara bising dalam kepala, atau sesuatu yang mengetuk-ngetuk dari dalam dada.

kuhitung-hitung lagi dengan cermat. tidak kurang−hanya saja terasa belum genap.

[bermonolog]

v: nama kepala sekolah dulu siapa sih? b: kepala sekolah mana? sma? v: bukan. kepala sekolah Hogwarts.

[bermonolog]

I'd be anywhere with you.

[bermonolog]

you deserve everything you want and more.

[bermonolog]

me: i just got my period. no wonder I've been craving for chocolate lately. s: but you always eat chocolate, period or not.

[bermonolog]

things are waaaay funnier when you're not supposed to laugh.

[bermonolog]

"just save yourself first."

–me, to my friends.

[bermonolog]

"what? are you still thinking what to write? that's long enough you can write a book."

–s, after seeing me staring at my note on the phone with thumbs hovering the keyboard

[bermonolog]

"what did you learn at school?"

"nothing."

[bermonolog]

"do you know it?"

"i know."

"what is that?"

"you know i know what it is."

"we know about the same thing, right?"

[bermonolog]

jules: feel like i'm crazy already.

me: no, jules. it's just your mind telling you the worst possibilities.

[bermonolog]

zu: it's not love if it doesn't hurt.

me: geez, it's too early for this kind of conversation.

[bermonolog]

"paling setengah jam juga sampe. apalagi kalau bawa motornya kayak kamu."

–d, udah sering diboncengin kemana-mana.

[bermonolog]

a new beginning

spring means a new beginning. i really wish this is also the beginning for me.

i kept telling myself to be strong, that it was my choice so i needed to face it. but still, i couldn't help but felt disappointed and hopeless. i spent my time laughing with friends, doing all jobs, scrubbing every single inch of my bathroom, rearrange my wardrobe every other weeks, talking to my boyfriend every morning, had a long chit chat with my sister every few days, but at the end of day, i just want to roll myself into a ball then cry.

spring means a new beginning. for now, i just want to feel better. i'm tired of being tired.

[bermonolog]

nila setitik, rusak susu sebelanga

kemarau setahun, dihapus hujan sehari saja

—penyesalanku: tidak terhingga.

penyesalan adalah temanku saat ini, seperti kecewa adalah sahabatmu. berusaha membuatmu tak sedih lagi, yang terjadi justru sebaliknya. matamu basah, lidahku kelu; tak bisa mengatakan apa pun yang bisa jadi penawar lukamu.

kudengar waktu adalah obat segala luka. semoga yang maha, memberimu cukup. saat malam memelukmu, semoga dia meredamkan kecewamu. saat langit kembali terang, semoga sakitmu sedikit berkurang. tanganku terlalu jauh untuk merengkuhmu. lewat tangan yang tengadah, kuharap ia menukar air matamu dengan tawa yang lebih dari itu.

[bermonolog]

"i think people would have an easier way to see you, if you were a little more open."

- someone to me, a few years ago