Besitos, Lola @besitoslola - Tumblr Blog

26... Expectation vs Reality

Well summer is quickly approaching and quite frankly the weather is still shit but next week will be May 2019 and by mid-May, summer as you know it would have began; whether i am ready for it or not. Fuck!

As I reflect on moving back to Spain and how this time last year I was so adamant about moving back to Tarragona, so much has not gone the way I have planned and not in a good way either but I guess this is life ...

Okay so when I turned 26 out in Toronto, Canada I was so sure of what I wanted. I wanted to move back to Spain, and eventually Barcelona would become my “forever place” - I did not want to work as an English Teacher or Director of Studies; I wanted to work in a company mainly in Marketing but closely related to my field of study. I (definitely) wanted to get Eddie back, hence the minor back and forth WhatsApp messages here and there whist I was in Toronto so he wouldn't forget me (they were hardly conversations upon my reflection but oh well lol I always knew deep down I was hurting myself) and I just wanted to live like an adult and just settle down and eventually within the next year buy a flat in Barcelona, have a car again and live that regular shemegular adult life! Now here is the kicker, the reality of it all .... I killed my savings after leaving Toronto, travelling with friends and living carefree (this I don’t regret cause the memories are immense) however I have never not had a back-up fund / my fuck it fund so this was also been the beginning of my demise! Mentally I never knew not having this fund to quickly take from to pay my bills!! So anyways I didn’t have much money prepared for coming back to Spain except for a grand I had leftover in my bank account before I left for Toronto but I was living like a millionaire and forgetting I would need to have a deposit and first months rent and no job to secure some future income. Fast forward 2 months I get a job my mum helps me clear my credit card debt and pay my deposit for a really nice flat and I thought okay things will go well from here .... NOW the fucking reality of it all kicks in (lied before haha).

So after landing a job ... the work was okay it wasn't tedious but I’ve learnt a Spanish company is not for me because the average Spanish salary is fucking shit but you’ve got to be grateful you have a job because unemployment is so high. I really didn’t like any of my jobs in Spain - you are worked to the bone for practically minimum wage. Maybe it is also the fact I had no passion for either job. I also found that working part-time teaching English at a private academy working 20ish hours a week amounts to the same wage working 40 hours a week full-time corporate.In terms of working the lifestyle that I craved and wanted to move back to is attached to working as an English teacher. The working conditions I experienced felt ridiculous and I always think I turned down a 60K job in Toronto to move back here (for fucking what?! - but still no regrets because if I didn’t move back I would always wonder what if).

Next Eddie got a girlfriend they’ve been together long distance a while now. From the lack of conversation we had that should have been the inkling that there was nothing there and the way he dashed my away before I left should have also been a sign, but you know me always running towards heartbreak thought I would get him back. It practically May ... so imma call it “time of death for this one-sided unrequited situationship: Wednesday April 24th 2019, 4:29PM” I don’t think the kiss meant anything and he would probably say it was a mistake and he wants to be with his gf, and maybe they have some kind of open relationship and thats what they do, i dunno! Plus he said to his close friend (Konan) that he could have (pursue) me so lets call it what it is and that situation is a wrap.

Lastly the biggest thing I thought moving back here was that Spain would be my forever place, I now know more than ever that it is definitely not! I don’t want to live in Barcelona (maybe because I won’t have my large group of varying friends) but Tarragona is too small for me to live here forever I only really love the beach in the summer time and summer outdoor parties. Now I just can’t imagine still being here at 35 doing the same things and only having the same things available to me ... I miss living in a city and maybe the commuting to Barcelona ruined the potential of Barcelona being that city for me.

So now I’m 27 (in 2 and half months) and I am back to square 1 trying to decide what it is i want out of life and where will my forever place be ... maybe it still is Spain but not right now I think I need a short-term move city move and to travel for a little bit, save my "fuck it” fund again and find the career that I love!

Broke & Unemployed.

Writing for me is so difficult but I think too much and I want to put it into words but I just never do - maybe it’s laziness or maybe it’s just the comfort that no-one else but me knows I really don’t know but maybe through this period of uncertainty I will write more.

So I am unemployed and cannot get any government assistance which really sucks cause it directly leads to me being so f*cking broke!!! I’m 26 (soon to turn 27) I really didn’t imagine this to be and where I would be at 26 but I still do not have any regrets about anything in myself (actually my only wish is that I didn’t completely blow my “fuck it” fund.

Right now I’ve got a credit card debt I dunno how I’m gonna pay it off, rent due in June that I dunno how I will pay, an overdraft thats at capacity and no job or income. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck (times infinity). It is really shit but I am optimistic I’m eventually gonna make it through (well hopefully somehow .... please God!). I really hope I find a way to get rid of all this debt before the end of the year.

I kissed Eddie

So brief update; Eddie and I spoke here and there whilst I was in Toronto but that fizzled out, Eddie got a girlfriend, I became friends with Eddie’s people (unknowningly) (lies I knew who they were on the low low). Not much conversation unless we had to.

Anyways last weekend was a litty weekend for going out on a Saturday! I made a quick little dinner for the gals Rita and Flora (also FYI Flora is hands down the best flatmate in the world). It was a good attempt at fish and shrimp tacos ;) well anyways we had dinner then moved on the Eddies places to drink and then eventually go out out. The drinking was fun the atmosphere was fun too. Rita wrnt home because she was exhausted from working then maybe after another hour we (Eddie, Konan, Flora and I) went out to The Valley.

It was all fun! We drank we danced and enjoyed it cause it’s rare to have a really fun night in Tarragona especially when you’ve been here long enough. Konan was just grumpy as usual because he was getting no attention and at this point I’ve been out in his company enough to simply not care. Anyways I had been drinking but I certainly was not drunk I was on a mellow fun vibe with Eddie and Flora (could give af about Konan at this point). Eddie and I dance briefly together, he tells me stuff in my ear (some I hear, most I don’t) however we continue having fun. Fast forward to the club closing we go outside to smoke and sit on a curb I digress and go to the bathroom but just before I leave Flora calls Konan grumpy from Snow White - love it! Anyways I’m back Eddie is standing up and grabs my waist and pulls me in (note: before we left his place I ask how you feeling? He tells us he is completely sober I say he should drink but he doesn’t but they drink a couple tequila beers at the club and I drink 1) okay so he grabs me in and then says do you want to go back to my apartment but I say I have the key for Flora and I (I left thinking most definitely it would be like any night and we will go home together) anyways he says you could give her the keys. Lmao I don’t know why I was shocked at the most logical response! A few seconds later I nestle my face into his neck whilst tip toeing and then run my fingers through his beard - I WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM! To make a long story short - Konan and Flora saw us but nonchalantly decided to go home then it was Eddie and I we walked round the corner as we both live in the old town and we kissed and I hadn’t kissed him like that since the last time we were seeing each other and we walked and kissed I decided the best thing was to just go home and not to his apartment that night - I just couldn’t cope with another guy I like hating me the morning after (circumstances were different with Enrique but still we ain’t cordial) but if we are meant to be maybe things will happen again but he needs to break up with his girlfriend before I will ever proceed. I think it is what it is now, we are both to blame for him cheating on his girlfriend (whether they class that as cheating cause I do) but we have history and I still care for him, but I’m a main chick not a sideline. I guess every girl has that one that got away and his mines...

Update (to the following weekend) Eddie’s girlfriend has come to visit and it’s his birthday this weekend, so they can enjoy that 😒 and right in front of my face bitter Konan told Dan but in another language but you know it’s obvious and I suppose Rita knows cause they have all been acting weird and stand-offish. So now I wanna cut them all out as they ain’t my friends they’re his.

Konan

I guess before the next little story I will introduce Konan, he lives in Tarragona too and well let’s cut a long story short his friends with Eddie. No biggie right?! Until I really start feeling things but again I will keep it short.

The first time I met Konan was when he was when Eddie and I was playing a game of hide and seek and Konan was out with Eddie and I was out with dumb bitch Nicole and sweetie pie Kelly. I can be so antisocial - so in that situation I really just spoke to Eddie and “hi/bye’d” his friends. Anyways fast forward to 2019 (I guess a year and a half later) I meet Konan again through Dan and to fast forward again Konan has a some type of crush on me which I knew but whose to play ignorant to as I didn’t feel the same. Fast forward again I find out through Rita that he had spoken to Eddie to find out if it was okay to persue me, okay I can see why that conversation happened as they are really good friends. Now I will tell you this verbatim - Konan and I would never have gone past friends because I noticed the first time I met him and he asked if I wanted to have a shot, I declined and he threw a hissy fit, quite a strop which I shrugged off till he did this everytime I declined and I just couldn’t stand his little bitch demeanour. So it was a hard pass, and the fact he is friends with Eddie (irregardless of any emotions) that solidified the no - therefore him asking Eddie meant nothing. Now fast forward to today I’m really growing to dislike him - he’s a nice guy till he drinks and has a strop like a bitch and one thing about me I just don’t baby childish behaviour just cause he didn’t get what he want; okay pal?! Kmt ... so that’s Konan I owe him a bunch of drinks (as he doesn’t accept me declining) and well there will never be a Konan and Lola cause that attitude on a guy is stank!!

I GOT FIRED

Yes you read correctly I got fired.

Maybe sometime in the future I will bore you with the details of what led to me being fired but as of now I got fired haha! For the first time in my life at the tender age of 26 I got fired and I am so okay about it! It was actually kinda sorta what I wanted because for a long time I have just been so miserable working meanwhile having my own dreams I want to follow but working full time in jobs I was not passionate about at all.

I was fired however me quitting was inevitable because if I wasn’t fired I would never have renewed my contract which was just an additional month longer but then getting out of a Spanish employment contract is never easy. Employers are always scorned lol.

Anyways now that I’m free I am 150% happier and highly doubt I will return to working for someone anytime soon but I am going to take this time to work on me. I’ve done it before - before moving to Canada, and as much as my friends look at me like I am mentally deficient for not working I am happy and I am a hustler so I will make it work ultimately.

kisses Lola

#fired #unemployed #nojob #brokebroke #shitgotreal

TWENTY SIX.

So another year older, another year full of experiences and another year to live life to the fullest.

My last post when I had recently turned 25 I was so excited and could feel it would be an interesting year.

Not to take away from it but it was very topsy turny (made that expression up - but translates to not bad, not good - just a little strange but still good) haha

Blessings in my 25th year

went to Hawaii - a place I’ve always wanted to visit before I die

went to Cuba - a place I’ve always wanted to visit before it’s westernised

live in cold af Canada (why the fuck did I miss Eddie whilst I was there - I guess I just wanted someone else to treat me the way he did before he became a douchebag now we refer to him as EXPIRED MISTAKE)

drove around la in an auto and roadtripped to the Grand Canyon - I had a sick summer

Being 25 was great and the experiences and travels were out of this world but I also got sick and developed full blown anxiety and fell out with a friend that I don’t entirely resent. There were ups and downs and actually no definitive love interests, a few flings which was the demise of Eddie and then the very oh so short lil ting with the Italian haeux Elliot. Bloody hell!

But all in all I will never say my 25th year was bad it was bloody brilliant not how I anticipated it, (I loved my birthday too, well the transition to 26)

The one thing I can say I happily developed is the notion “if I don’t want to do it and if it doesn’t serve me ... IM NOT DOING IT!” I thoroughly stand by this - it’s my life and I live to please no one but me!

Ok so now I’m 26! What the fuck I’m legit mid twenties! Fuck haha 😂

Again I’m so hopeful for this chapter! Let’s review the first quarter shall we...

boyfriend still doesn’t exist but I’m hopeful

I’ve moved back to Tarragona, what can I say Spain has a hold on me and right now I think it’s my forever place. I work in Barcelona and commute everyday. I strongly believe it’s possible to love your job and right now I don’t! It’s weird because I can easily do this job and get my salary but I want something that is a career that I can grow in and well frankly this job doesn’t provide that but I like my colleagues. This job is for the simple lacklustre folk and that just isn’t me. So with that being said I am still searching for “THE” job!

I have no savings at all so I need to start that up again. No back up fund nada - it actually hurts! But I will put it back together again this year.

Everyone is in a relationship! Everyone!! Which only makes me wonder whats happened to me... when did I get left behind. So I want one

I hate my job - there I said it but it’s only because I know there is better out there

I want a new wardrobe, iPhone, handbag everything but whatever 😓

I think 26 will be good for me I guess it’s my year of establishing myself and properly adulting and the year I start laying down more stable roots.

Let’s rehash this July 11th 2019!

January fifth.

Today I feel so grateful to God and I’m so thankfully because I worry about the most minute things that will appear as trivial to others (like getting a package on time even though I have created a tiny timeframe for it to arrive or just doing thing on time like packing which I always leave to the VERY last minute) but to me its quite worrying thus becoming so stressful!

Today things have just been working out and I know it is all Gods doing!! I am unbelievably thankful but a lazy Muslim because what I could be doing is praying and telling god how thankful I am. I also prayed for the first time in almost a year. I stopped praying because a year ago I thought my prayer were just going unanswered but God has a divine time for things which I am understanding. I am beginning to see a light and hope for my journey the is yet to come as the last few days have been plagued with doubt of whether I am doing the right thing, will I ever find somewhere to live or a place to work at - but now I can say I’m less doubt and so much more hopeful.

Additionally in 2018, I am all about the thought that everything will always work out and if you put enough energy into it - it may not go the way you envisioned but it will certainly work out. Stay positive, stay focused!

Twenty Eighteen is going to be a great year!

January first.

Mood / Motto

Amour sans fin.

translates to endless love or love without end.

I’m letting love manifest in everything I do in 2018!

Twenty Seventeen.

Has been so amazing!

I cannot pin point what exactly makes me feel like it has been so great but I’m so happy it has been a great year!

I’m thankfully to God for getting me through another year; in good health, surrounded by good friends and family and ultimately living a good life, because I know there are other people who have been through a lot more and struggled through this year.

Recently I have been so thankful for the fact I was born in London and the opportunities my family have been able to afford for me!! I always used to wish I was born in America and life would be so much easier but in actual fact being born in London has led me to enjoy so much of my life now, which includes living in Europe as I wish, a great healthcare system (I did end up in the hospital quite a few times this year) and the access to the education I have had. I know if I was brought up in Nigeria my parents would have been able to afford a great level of education for me but I can't help but think would I have been able to travel as freely as I have done if I wasn’t a British national. Travelling has consumed my life so much that I wouldn’t want to give that up and I personally am so grateful my parents created a great life for me in London! Now I just need to make them proud and get married and secure a great job!

Another reason 2017 has been so great is the personal relationship I build. I have great friendships with Quelle, Merii, Bonny, Sonya and Khalid and co. I have lived my best retirement months now I am ready to get back to earning that mulaaa! FUNemployment was cute now I’m ready to work again maybe in 2 years I will do this again (just taking time to myself was BOMB :) but next time I need more monies). My romantic relationships with Wesley and Eddie has showed me that in 2018 I want to open up and give more to my potential bae; I doubt I will settle and lower my standards cause I bring in hotties but I will be more open to different guys (I am so tired of being single!). I love travelling and I am so happy with all the travel and places I have seen (the road trip around the South of Spain was awesome - partly cause I met Sonya & the Christmas vacay to Malta was cute being around family).

For Twenty Eighteen:

- I want to settle in my own place and have a travelling hub

- I wanna have a baeee (I low-key hope to have some kind of relationship with Eddie)

- I wanna have a BOMB birthday shindig! Birthday Girl #26

- Live in Canada and New York City

- Visit Spain for Santa Tecla (my 4th year of it)

- Save at least $5,000

- Start laser hair removal

- WORRY LESS, GET SHIT DONE & KICK ASS EVERYTHING

Besitos, Lola x

Duck and Waffle.

Located 40 stories atop of the London clouds in Liverpool Street, Duck & Waffle is not your conventional restaurant or gastropub, but this London eatery is a literal statement of a richly delicious but niche menu.

A modern European menu created by chef Daniel Doherty and is open 24 hours a day, with breath-taking views of London (especially at dawn). The Foie Gras All-Day Breakfast or the signature Duck and Waffle dish amongst many others are served throughout the day, making the top floor of the Heron Town a good pick-me-up destination for both late-night Shoreditch clubbers and early-bird City workers; or drop in at teatime for the Fourme d'Ambert Eccles Cakes.

The thrilling pace with which you are whisked upwards in a lift toward the restaurants entrance certainly lifts your stomach but unlike so many rooftop restaurants in central London, Duck & Waffle's floor number isn't reflected in the food prices - the menu is refreshingly affordable.

The signature dish here is of course the duck and waffle - a confit duck leg sandwiched between a fresh waffle and a fried duck egg, trickled with mustard maple syrup. Other menu delights came in the form of spicy ox cheek doughnuts, salty beef grilled cheese and pulled lamb. The menu lists many excellent and tasty options.

In short, Duck & Waffle, (both the dish and the establishment), is lip-smackingly eye-rollingly, hand-claspingly yummy. You won't leave unsatisfied! Eating there is a little like consuming an enormous glazed doughnut - you feel wonderful and naughty, and then you suddenly you just keep craving for more.

Duck & Waffle, Heron Tower 110 Bishopsgate, London, EC2N 4AY.

Wesley.

Probably around a year ago the intensity of our message heated up.

NYE 2016 came around, messages were sent and emotions for me got lost and intertwined. I was adamant I couldn’t like or have any type of emotions for this guy (A. because of my past with Penn and Andy and B. because it would be another reason for the whole of Tarragona to hate and talk about me with malist [just learnt malist is not an actual word]) but January rolled round and by the end of it sex was on the cards and I just didn’t care what everyone else thought anymore. Before the sex I enjoyed the friendship we had - the walks, the talks, the films; everything. After the sex, I guess it was at times hard to find the friend we once had but ultimately I always wanted us to remain friends (even though deep down inside at times I wanted a little more but a huge apart of me knew we would be nothing more).

Looking back on what it was; I pushed you away and kept it at a certain level because I couldn’t admit to myself there could be deeper feelings or allow myself to have those deeper feelings because ultimately I never want to have my feelings hurt.

Sometimes I think we are friends but now with your new girlfriend - I don’t think we could be anything more but mere acquittances who has seen each other naked.

Twenty-Five.

Oh My freakin’ Goodness! I’m twenty-five (already)

It’s weird because when you’re nineteen / twenty you never really clearly imagine getting to this age - but I must say it’s not nearly as bad or as scary as or as old as I thought it would be. But I will say I can no longer say I’m a baby twenty, I’m legitimately a grown (& sexy) mid-twenty woman!

To start off I never imagined my life to be as exciting and crazy and completely unexpected as it has now turned out to be. I turned twenty-five almost three months ago but since I graduated my life had taken a sharp turn left along “Who The Fuck Knows Avenue” and so far it has been this:

20 - graduated from bachelors

21 - embarked on a Masters I thoroughly hated but made it through whilst being so sick and tired of the same ok life in London.

22 - moved to Australia (best experience ever) but also realised I detested the fruit company I worked for so in turn I quit, headed to Bali to start my “discovery of me journey” then I got a call that took me back to Europe

almost 23 (but late 22) - moved to Spain on a whim to teach English at a summer camp (fully of hotties and care-free living). Turned 23 in Salou haha!

23 - moved back to Spain to live in small city Tarragona. Who knew an initial 5 weeks in a summer camp would turn into two years teaching English and eventually becoming a Director of Studies.

25 - didn’t really like the ethics of the company (but I was already on my way out) so I quit sooner than expected and now I’m currently FUNemployed until January 2018, then I’m off to Canada.

In a nutshell I really didn’t expect this but I love all the travel and people I’ve met along the way! Now here is how I expected my life to go.

20 - graduate from bachelors degree

21 - move to New York City and work in the marketing diversion of a fashion brand, then start my own fashion brand.

27 - married to the love of my life and have my first child or be pregnant.

30 - potentially had three kids, a flat in central London (cause of course I will be flying back and forth)

*I think I thought at 25 I would meet the guy who would be the love of my life (but hey it could still happen I’m only two and a half months in - but if I’m honest I think it’s looking kinda bleak).

By with all that being said life has been amazing!! The traveling I have done has matured me in so many ways and showed me so much about myself that I honestly cannot imagine my life before this any other way. The people I have met, the confidence that has grown within me and the edge to learn and discover new things I honestly so happy for the beautiful life that God had allowed me to live.

However there is always a yearning for more - now at 25 I feel the need to settle down and start setting down roots and commit to a relationship with someone I really like instead of always putting on this hard exterior so I could never be left heart broken.

I dunno - nothing ever works out how you plan it but I’m not going to lie I would like thing (especially with guys) to be a little more straight forward and predictable (because I’m tired of being a single pringle). And now that I’m 25 I well and truly think this is my last year just gallivanting around the world, living my most care-free of life - I strongly feel its time for me to stop living on the whim and start setting down roots for my forever life! So at 25 I plan to:

- live in Canada and travel to a few cities

- live in New York City (as that has always been my dream)

- “I hope to God!” I get into a worthwhile relationship

- start a course that will better my professional development.

Wish me luck on my journey through being twenty-five!!!

#yolo #travel #dowhatyoulove

Penn.

When you’re in your twenties you date, you go out (maybe a little but in my case a little bit of a lot), meet different people and you casually have little flings. hypothetically, right?!

Well I guess there is no better way to start off by sharing what is currently on my mind; and that being Penn.

Here is the long story short version so you’re clued up on why he is on my mind - I met Penn about a year ago and over the past year we started a fling but that ended when my flatmate Marsha thought it would be a good idea to sleep with Penn behind my back even though I told her I kinda liked Penn (but that’s another detailed story for another day).

Fast-forward a 11 months, Penn and I are working together and his my coordinator. No big deal right - cause lets be honest Penn and I have settled as friends since then (there may have been some back and fourth flirting but no one was actively pursuing anyone [at least this is my thoughts]).

Well, over the summer we worked together for a week. It was always a running joke that I would want Penn and we would somehow ended up sleeping together - and me being me detested and refused the idea.

Before our working relationship started we met up for lunch and then went to the beach (again, no big deal). If it is worth mentioning we kissed whilst laying down/napping (however, mutual friend Suri was there and I wasn’t too comfortable with her watching us kiss so I stopped). During the week we worked together, we would secretly kiss and acted like it was no big deal (because it certainly wasn’t - kisses mean nothing)! Once everyone found out what we were doing, I couldn’t help but still be very nonchalant about it (at this point I knew I didn’t think I wanted to be in relationship with Penn and I just liked being “friends-that-kiss”. Well we finished working together then started hanging out a little more lunches, coffees and whatever else we did. I went to San Sebastian/Pamplona for a couple of days, we messaged and then we messaged when I got back; still normal right.

Anyways at some point we have sex whilst netflix and chillin’ one evening (maybe worth mentioning, I have an oh shit moment whilst having sex - thinking what the f*ck am I doing). Then after that, messages start slowing down and taking forever to reply (personally I think he is your typical immature guy so I kinda thought this would happen, so I honestly wasn’t to fussed and in turn took a step back from messaging him.

Okay now speeding through we met up a few more time, had sex and few more times - but then he hit me with the “for me we’re just friends” and I was like cool, i’m not trying to trap you in a relationship. Anyways since then I just can't take my mind off it - I think it is mainly because I’m horny and I liked chilling with someone. It’s cuddle buddy season!!!

I really don’t know what will happen between Penn and I this year, but apart definitely feels like it’s not over.

#sex #penn #twenties

Lola.

If I knew the twenty something life was this messy and difficult juggling jobs, relationships and friends all in one “present”, I would have selfishly eaten my 19th birthday cake all by myself and hoped that all of the sugar will be enough to sweeten the days.

This blog has been inspired by the sporadic moments in my life that leave me inspired, frustrated, challenged and afraid sometimes. Writing is the icing on the cake that makes all difference for me, and truthfully I wouldn’t know how to purge those feelings otherwise. Take all my writing as musings from a twenty-four year old who is a little more whinier about the roller-coaster that is life - and when the fifty year old me reads this back I hope the truths I have spoken freely will make me giggle.

My name is Lola and this is my self-indulgent means of venting my frustration and making fun of how stupid / fun life can be beyond any concern for how it might be viewed by others.

Enjoy! :)

#lola #twenties

♥

thank you :) ♥

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Besitos, Lola