ojovivo
The Stonewall Inn
Keni
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Not today Justin
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Game Changer & Make Some Noise
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@better-in-the-rearview
no but the way augustine is just like "do you remember" and "remember when i pulled up.." and "i remember thinking i had you" and how she is telling james that she remembers it all and is continuously asking him if he remembers it too, if he hasnt forgotten about her, and how that is exactly what ends up happening. the girl who remembers everything gets forgotten in the end.
-Anaïs Nin, 1939
-Sam Jumex, 2023
god gives his hardest battles (making career choices in current economic and political climate) to his weakest soliders (20-sth year olds who wanna spend the whole day browsing pinterest instead)
you know what makes my stomach drop? how august says “wanting was enough” but then immediately corrects herself to say “for me, it was enough” because it wasn’t enough for james versus how betty speaks for both herself and james when she says “to kiss in cars and downton bars was all we needed”
you know what makes my stomach drop? how august says “wanting was enough” but then immediately corrects herself to say “for me, it was enough” because it wasn’t enough for james versus how betty speaks for both herself and james when she says “to kiss in cars and downton bars was all we needed”
😭😭😭 real
oh and also. we could leave the christmas lights up until january. i attend christmas parties from outside. and at every table i’ll save you a seat. i look in peoples windows in case you’re at their table. can i go where you go? northbound i got carried away as you boarded your train south. we could let our friends crash in the living room, this is our place we make the call. i look in peoples windows transfixed by rose golden glows they have their friends over to drink nice wine. can we always be this close forever and ever? does it feel alright not to know me?
pioneering something called "gritted teeth optimism" where everything is gonna turn out okay even if i have to bite and claw and gnash my way through it
Andrea Gibson, Birthday
dublin n1 by me :’))
i hate the "meta glasses" with their invisible cameras i hate when people record strangers just-living-their-lives i hate the culture of "it's not illegal so it's fine". people deserve to walk around the city without some nameless freak recording their faces and putting them up on the internet. like dude you don't show your own face how's that for irony huh.
i hate those "testing strangers to see if they're friendly and kind! kindness wins! kindness pays!" clickbait recordings where overwhelmingly it is young, attractive people (largely women) who are being scouted for views and free advertising . they're making you model for them and they reap the benefits. they profit now off of testing you while you fucking exist. i do not want to be fucking tested. i hate the commodification of "kindness" like dude just give random people the money, not because they fucking smiled for it. none of the people recording has any idea about the origin of the term "emotional labor" and none of us could get them to even think about it. i did not apply for this job! and you know what! i actually super am a nice person! i still don't want to be fucking recorded!
& it's so normalized that the comments are always so fucking ignorant like wow the brunette is so evil so mean so twisted just because she didn't smile at a random guy in an intersection. god forbid any person is in hiding due to an abusive situation. no, we need to see if they'll say good morning to a stranger approaching them. i am trying to walk towards my job i am not "unkind" just because i didn't notice your fucked up "social experiment". you fucking weirdo. stop doing this.
the other day we were talking about balance beams because you said that your family had one of those cool winch ones that wrap around trees to make a high wire. even though i was pretty good i had to quit gymnastics at 12 because we couldn't afford dance and gymnastics but. i had something-other.
and i got excited because i think it's a funny story. i didn't have a door for about 4 years. 13-17, or there about. i only got it back because i replaced it myself.
i think my dad took it off the hinges just because his very-macho friend david had said - i do this to punish my kids. and then about a week later it was down on the ground and then eventually rotting in a shed. i used to visit it on occasion and tilt it between two boxes so i could try to walk across the side of it. i have a scar on my foot from attempting the act of balance-beam fancy dancing. it's shaped like a crescent moon. a hinge sliced into my skin when the whole thing slipped out from underneath me.
and you looked at me and you said - what the fuck?
and i said, do you want to see? because i thought the thing you were replying to was the injury. i was already undoing my shoelaces.
you're supposed to have a door, you said slowly. you were a teenager. you - i've seen your house. you lived at the end of the hall.
i didn't understand the problem. so? i wriggled out of my shoe and then my sock.
so, you said it gently, which made me slow down. you said it in the way people tell me that i experienced something bad and i have no idea that it was supposed to be something-else instead. anyone coming down the stairs or in the hallway could see directly into your room. you were in a fishbowl for four years, am i understanding that correctly?
i stared at you, and then said the other things: well, it wasn't so bad. i just wore a towel and tucked myself into a corner to change. i could always just change in the bathroom. privacy didn't really exist for any of us. i wasn't allowed to decorate so it wasn't really my room anyway. i didn't have a lot of things growing up; so it's not like i minded having a semi-public space. my siblings left me alone if i needed them to. what's the big deal anyway.
this is accidentally what emotional vampires incorrectly label as a "trauma dump". this is accidentally how you learn that my house was actually unsafe. i don't even consider this a problem, because everything else was so much worse, in a way. i didn't know it was supposed to be different. at the time, i didn't know what privacy was. i just lied about most stuff and got good at hiding in public. i haven't ever lied about this because i didn't know it was supposed to be different. i am 31.
you looked pale and ready to throw up. you had a right to a door for your room. you were a kid. someone should have helped you.
i was busy examining the sole of my foot. the scar really does look like the moon.
oh and that gap in my resume is when i was digging my own grave
the dirt under my nails is - yeah. it won't wash out. although that's actually from when i dug myself out again. i suppose success and defeat can look the same in a mirror.
wanting to talk to people is so fucking embarrassing. literally hi it's me again I wanted to have a conversation with you because I think you're fun to talk to. oh god you can just fucking kill me if you want sorry
i think love is stored in nighttime conversations and “did you eat yet” and books left outside your door and “i waited to watch this with you” and splitting something in half to share and “im proud of you” and folded towels and “you can pick” and heads on shoulders and “you’re right, that was shitty. im sorry” and knocks on doors and “DINNER!” and stupid jokes and “hey i got this for you” and coffee made just right and… there are so many ways people say i love you silently every day over and over again if you only listen
no but the way augustine is just like "do you remember" and "remember when i pulled up.." and "i remember thinking i had you" and how she is telling james that she remembers it all and is continuously asking him if he remembers it too, if he hasnt forgotten about her, and how that is exactly what ends up happening. the girl who remembers everything gets forgotten in the end.
You're dead serious. I'm alive silly. We're not the same
