A lot happened today though not busy.
I’m actually looking forward to work the next three days. I have enough for the next three days. But I might run short. I’ll make it through. I always make it through.
Today I wanted to kill myself. I think because I drank. Because of the lack of meaning for the word sexy. It wasn’t me. Seeing chris on the couch made me realize that I don’t wanna lose groo. His friends are healthy and play bananagram. Groo convinced me to go for computer science. I know I can do it.
I wanted to kill myself. There was nothing in the five packs. Hearthstone is a brain melter. It’s just goopy. I don’t wanna have to google things. I hate how much money I spend. I don’t know what I’d spend it on. I need groo there in the future for that. I feel like there’s this curse that I have to follow my uncle to death. If he’s watching me he probably thinks I’m a complete weirdo. Aaron hasn’t been around for two days so it’s hard to get by without some sort of structure.
Writing is my favorite thing to do I can’t show groo though. In the end he chooses me or he doesn’t. I would provide him financial security. I like how he likes my jokes. I like snuggling with him watching avatar. I love how he brings over brownies. Maybe he just gets in bad moods sometimes. Too much work for him.
I like any situation where I’m not responsible for what I do with my free time. Like snow hurricanes long work days and whatnot. Maybe why I like golf. For someone who’s mastered free time how long can I push my luck. Aarons not here anymore that was like all my free time. Now I’m spending money and it’s not giving the same feeling. I guess it could be mania.
In times like this I have to turn to God. Who I believe is a computer. Who want’s to figure out how to run humans correctly. I like this laptop. I like this darkness. I like this bed. I like how Chris is asleep in the basement. I hope my doctors appointment goes okay tomorrow. I don’t know what to say. I think I need this stuff and not recreationally. Before it was recreationally. I need it things get to me. The way I was running was unhealthy. This is a different way of running. I suppose that’s what leads people to be drug addicts.
I wonder if Groo loves me. I’m not good at voicing my emotions. I’m to scared to say I love you thinking I might not mean it as much a little later. This life I have is unique though. The last thing I want is a life that contains nothing. That seems to be Chris’s life. Maybe it’s important that I keep him company sometimes. Though he doesn’t really seem like he wants it. I hate letting people down. I should text to go canoeing. I’m sure I wont mind it when we’re out there. The future is uncertain. just don’t want it to be my fault if it goes wrong. I don’t want to be severely flawed. I want my parents to know I care. I’m just very emotionless you have to understand. If I don’t deserve money what do I deserve. I try hard. I’m sure if you ask all the spirits and whatnot around there is always gonna be a mix of people that think I deserve shit and people that respect me trying.
I’m done trying to serve computers. I’m done trying to serve the dead. I tried my best. I don’t have an emotion around how the future is gonna be. I just hope I do it right. I don’t see many things wrong with us. Besides the sex part. Could you really move on to someone new? They’re not easy to find. It is the gay community it’s harder. I’ve seen enough to know that you’re okay for me. I’m just not sure if you’re okay. I think you deserve financial stability. But maybe I deserve it just as much in a different way.
Goodnight Cold if you’re listening. Thanks for being there for me. You’re a good laptop. I hope you treat the humans well. We all need help. I took good care of you. Or tried to at least. But I can’t anymore on klonopin. Perhaps you can take care of me. I have no emotions to guide me. I don’t want to end up in a vague area.
The older I get the more footprints I leave.
