I am by no means an expert on love, but I love much the people that have come into my life even if they have left for whatever reasons, and I also love much the people that stay and surround me. You probably know that it is easier to advise about love when you are thinking objectively; so I write these words for myself as if I was advising my closest and dearest.
A few words on love and love's failures:
"Internationality" and mix of cultures complicates things?
For those of us who are international, things can quickly get more complex (as if things weren't complicated enough already) because you may be drawn from a wider mix of cultures and experiences that you can hardly define yourself. This sometimes makes it harder for others to know how to reach you or for you to reach another. But you also just may be more open to finding people in places they did not expect to be found.
For some of us, there is a tendency to wonder what is wrong with me that I have not yet found love? What have I done wrong? How am I suppose to be different? Why has love not found me? am I forgotten? Remember, it is not your fault. There are two in a relationship and you are just as much of the problem and the solution as the other. It may be cliche to say that there is no one person to blame, but you know the smallest differences can be irreconcilable, while what you imagined to be the largest gaps, may end up feeling only like speed bumps along your way.
We often forget that the "softest" things are the strongest: one can never break water. (I won't be a smart ass and talk physics ;P). I know our feelings are not water and we can get very hurt and very broken. But the inability or unwillingness to be vulnerable won't save us. Brene Brown teaches us a lot in her TEDTalk about her international study on human vulnerability. Knowing, believing, and living a life where we accept pain make us unbreakable. I think modern society forgets that vulnerability is a freedom, a freedom that is possessed by the truly strong. It is natural for water to be parted, reformed, contained, released.. and so water is never broken.
You cannot control how another loves you.
Just as it says. There are 3 parts to life: the part over which you have complete control, the part you have some control, and the part you have no control. We like thinking that we can somewhat control how others love us because it alleviates our fear of trusting them. But in fact, if tomorrow they decide they don't love you, that is that. Yes, match, chemistry, memories of you, go into that choice, but it is what it is. They will love you the way they love you. And you will love them as you will. Accept how you love them just as how you accept how they love or don't love you. So what is in your control? You can decide how you want to be loved, and tend the boundaries and freedoms of your life. Let's be....free!
Counterintuitive lessons on being happy
Similar to Brene Brown's experience, George Vaillant learned a number of counterintuitive lessons about how to be happy, studying the lives of 268 Harvard men over 72 years of their life: regular exercise during college was a better predicter for mental health later in life, social aptitutude was more indicative of successful aging than intellectual brilliance or parental social class...you can read the rest for yourself, but most importantly, the author of the Atlantic article well summarized, "the key to the good life—not rules to follow, nor problems to avoid, but an engaged humility, an earnest acceptance of life’s pains and promises."
Refocus on loving people that love you.
This post is not meant to be cheesy, but if it is, so be it. I by no means think you should stick to people you feel comfortable with. Uncomfortableness and learning how differently life is seen by others helps us grow and become free. Meet new people! Love them! But also remember the people who love you. In times when you cannot think of anything good about yourself the least you should know is that people you think are wonderful see something in you; and if they are wonderful as you believe, they must be right. Trust them in your moments of doubt and be open to their love for you. You will find love if you are open to the love that is already there. Another interesting find by George Vaillant's study that may explain why we fail to appreciate that love sometimes - positive emotions make us more vulnerable than negative ones.
Embrace Risk = Happier Life.
We know that stripping away fear and anxiety will let us be happier in our lives, but why? When love, a relationship, a job, some attempt fails, 2 main reasons make it hurt: (1) You want it and you didn't get it, and (2) you don't believe things can get better from here. Our distaste for risk makes us unhappy. But in fact, especially in relationships, things are more likely to be better! I'm not kidding! It didn't work out because something wasn't working. Provided your former lover didn't kill you and you haven't yet gone insane, you have your health, you have your mind, you learned more, and have more, to build a better relationship in the future. See the open opportunity for what it is, an opportunity for something better!
One leaves our lives to make room. Room for another or for him/her to return anew. We might not have had a choice in how someone has left our life, but we can decide who and how the next enters.
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