demisexuality can be so hard to explain because itโs misconstrued as you just wanting to trust the other person before you have sex with them. and I get why the misconception happens. But demisexuality differs in that there isnโt sexual attraction at all before that bond forms.
I think what people have difficulty with is the idea that there are people out there who arenโt experiencing sexual attraction at all until a certain point, if ever, because weโre taught that sex, libido, and sexual attraction are all the same, both in and out of queer spaces.
And when youโre learning about asexuality and demisexuality, you may learn that people have romantic and aesthetic attraction separately from sexual attraction, and that sexual and romantic attraction arenโt necessarily intertwined, and that may challenge your worldview on sex.
But โI trust you enough to have sex with youโ isnโt the same as โIโm not sexually attracted to anyone but you, and the reason Iโm sexually attracted to you now after weโve established this close bond is literally because of the bond of trust weโve been able to formโ.
Itโs easy to see how those can get conflated. On the surface, if youโre unfamiliar with asexuality, they may sound the same. But itโs important to acknowledge the difference between โno sex until I trust youโ and โno sexual attraction unless I trust you and maybe not even thenโ.
Demisexuality is housed under the asexuality spectrum. Itโs part of the gray area between being allosexual and asexual. Itโs part of why the definition for asexuality includes โlittle to no sexual attractionโ. Itโs a mostly asexual experience with an asterisk.
While being demisexual may have impacts on a persons sexual activity, even demisexuals have a varied relationship to the act of participating in sex. Libido and sexual attraction are not always intertwined either, which can make telling the difference tricky.
I think of sexual attraction as libido that has a compass. Since I rarely ever experience sexual attraction, but do have libido, itโs noticeable for me when that libido actually has a direction to go, rather than being a floating, nebulous, independent thing.
Remember, not everyone is demisexual. Thereโs a difference between waiting to have sex and not having sexual attraction at all until a certain point. This also inherently ties demisexuality to romantic attraction and relationships, and not all demisexuals are alloromantic.
But if you read what demisexuality is and think โeveryone is like thatโ or โthatโs just being a womanโ, you either 1) are demisexual 2) donโt understand what it is or 3) both. And itโs okay to not know. Just as long as youโre willing to try to learn.
romaincrisis
theartofmadeline
2087
vaporwave
