in love tonight

keaton mercer. 21. part time drummer, full time life saver with a vegemite addiction.

[hovseofcards]

5 Seconds of Summer - Japan Tour Diary (#5SOSPLAYTOKYO)

[kingxharris]

Harrison made a quick face, scrunching up his nose. “I’m saying kink jokes about my mother are gross. Also, I refuse to comment on your body. My boyfriend’s the jealous type, but no. Tutus aren’t usually a thing for guys, but if you really want one, I can make that happen.” Laughing slightly, he dug the ice cream out, ambitiously grabbing two spoons, before reaching out to pull Keaton to the fluffy side of the couch and settling them down. For a moment, he considered trying to physically comfort Keaton somehow, but ultimately just ducked under his arm and snuggled into his side, making himself comfy against Keaton’s shoulder. Hopefully just being a warm presence at his side would help because that was kind of all he could offer. “I’m not a saint, but I love you too.” he returned quietly, before pushing a spoon into the ice cream and promptly dabbing Keaton’s nose with it as he debated on what to say. “I can try and talk to him, if you want.” He offered first. “Or maybe you should ask Jer to. Puppy power.” Sticking the spoon back in the ice cream, he kept his gaze there. “I don’t know if Ryder and I are anything alike in terms of how we deal with things, but I get… I’ve been guilty of shutting Justin out like that too. I think… in a way - I’m not sure if it’s because you guys are guards or you’re both just naturally fixers, it makes it … when …” Harris faltered, exhaling out a little frustrated. Why were words so hard lately. “I don’t want to ever give Justin a problem he can’t fix. So I downplay things, I bottle them up, I try and deal with it because I don’t ever want to make him feel helpless, or at a loss, or stuck knowing there’s nothing he can do. It’s the biggest challenge in our relationship, honestly, trying to find the balance of being honest but not sinking us ‘cause he goes batshit when he feels he isn’t helping. And honestly, most of my shit can’t be helped by anyone. It’s possible Ryder’s doing the same thing. Trying to protect your relationship but making it worse on the surface? I didn’t say it was a smart thing to do. It’s just … does that make sense to you? It’s possible he wouldn’t want to add more to your plate if there was nothing you could do about it. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Quite the opposite, actually. But I can see how it’s …frustrating and how you feel like its a trust thing. Like he doesn’t trust you enough to share and that’s that’s the balance thing. I think.” Eyes prickling, he pushed his spoon into the ice cream again before leaving it there. “I wish I had some awesome words of advice or like a how-to guide on how Justin corners me to start talking but um, I don’t have any. I probably shouldn’t say this, but alcohol literally always works. You could always make him his favorite drink. Or like eight.”  

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

Letting out a totally inappropriate snort, Keaton clamped a hand over his mouth to stop himself from the uncontrollable giggles that threatened to bubble up. “Right. I’d hope so.” Finally under control, Keaton replied, only to scrunch his face up in a pout. “I’m taking your silence as confirmation that my arse is spectacular. And of bloody course  I want a tutu!! I will not feel like a legit ballerina until I have one.” Keaton nodded matter of factly and grinned as Harris pulled the ice cream out of the freezer. He followed easily as Harris pulled him to the couch, amusement written all over his features as he watched Harris struggle with the cuddle situation before he finally defaulted to being the little spoon. Adjusting his arm around the smaller boy, Keaton settled in, the familiar weight and warmth of someone against his side already helping his mood. “I disagree, but good.” Keaton countered, letting out a low, non-committal grumble when his nose was dabbed. With the conversation returning to what had brought them to the couch, Keaton dipped his spoon into the ice cream, snickering around it at Harrison’s puppy comment. “No. That’s alright. Thank you, though.” He tapped his spoon against the side of the ice cream container before dipping out another spoonful. Keaton listened to Harris as he let the ice cream melt on his tongue, resting his head on top of Harrison’s and squeezing his shoulders when he faltered. Sighing, Keaton stuck his spoon back into the ice cream and left it there. “I mean, in a way, yes - that makes sense. It’s just...the only other thing we ever kept from one another was the fact that we were basically totally in love with one another and...we didn’t even do that well. That and the Max bullshit, so...I don’t know. The whole guard thing has never been an issue. I’ve never really thought of myself as a fixer, but yeah. I guess I can be that.” Biting down on his lower lip, Keaton shook his head. “It’s just really hard to wrap my head around the fact that there are things he thinks he can’t tell me, whether it be because he thinks it’ll make it so hard on us that I’ll bail or just that he doesn’t trust me to handle it. Either way it’s kind of like he….thinks less of me in a way. And saying it out loud it’s totally fucking mad, but…” He groaned, hiding his face in Harrison’s hair. “Is it totally crazy to think that and still know he loves me?” His words were muffled, garbled and jumbled up just like everything in Keaton’s head. “Never had great balancing skills, but yeah. I see what you’re saying.” When Harris pushed his spoon into the ice cream and left it, Keaton used his free hand to move the container to the coffee table so he could wrap both arms around Harris. “S’okay that you don’t, mate. Didn’t expect them, honestly. It’s just nice to get this all out of my head.” Keaton couldn’t help but chuckle and give Harris a squeeze. “Probably not, but you get a pass today. I’ll keep that in mind when I talk to him.” For whatever reason, be it the recent events with Luna, or Ryder, or just everything that he’d had gotten really good at suppressing being basically thrown back in his face, Keaton felt a flare of emotion that made his throat tight and his eyes sting a little. “You know,” Pausing when his voice came out just a shade shakier than Keaton would have liked, he cleared his throat and started again. “You know, I don’t think the agency gives you guys enough credit. I mean, yeah, we’re trained, but...nothing prepares you for the emotional part of this job and I really don’t think we’d be able to do it without you. God knows I couldn’t if I’d been placed with anyone other than you and Ryder. Not sure that gets said enough, so...you know, thank you.”

[rebel-ryder]

It’s okay. It’s your job. There’s nothing you can do about it and I don’t … I’m glad you’re looking out for Harris, honestly. I just wish us all being in the same house wasn’t temporary. We all know its not gonna last forever and I…I don’t know. It bothers me, sometimes. Rationally, I know it’s not wrong. That it’s just as inevitable and ingrained as my sexuality is and we all know how fluid that is so I … I guess I more just hate that it’s … I just hate it. I don’t want to make things more complicated. Or harder on us. I… that’s exactly it though, kitten. I don’t know. I never dated anyone long enough for it to ever be an issue before. I’ve barely ever talked about it - and more importantly than that - I’ve only just allowed myself to put a toe in the pool. I don’t have the faintest clue of what will or won’t work for me and for us - but I wanted to tell you. And give you the option to cut your losses now or ask if you want to … want to try. With me. I think it’ll take a lot of trial and error to find ways that benefit me, us, and you, but I believe we could. If you wanted to. No. What? No. Of course not. Why would - Keaton, there’s not a moment that goes by regardless of my gender, that I’m not hopelessly head over heels ridiculously in love with you. Why would it? Everything that draws me to you is the same. The question is … will my fluctuations drive you batty, would being a guy in girl’s clothes turn you off, would having to take on different roles because of me ultimately lead to resentment, I don’t know. Would it weird you out to call me she instead of he, would it be confusing and wrong to use a different name on those days, I don’t - I just - I just want you to be my side. Hopefully as my boyfriend, but I’m willing to take best friend again if that’s what you need. I just don’t wanna do this without you. Uh. Vic knows. It just sort of … came out. We were talking about gender and things and I sort of hypothetically said something and it all unraveled from there. She’s um, she’s a big reason why I’m…why I’ve got the words to try and explain it now. She uh, said there’s been studies and that it’s - it’s not just me. I also asked Jer if um, hypothetically he’d be ok with guys wearing more traditionally feminine things. I… I don’t know how far I want or need to take this. If it’s enough that just you know and that it’s something we do for an hour or so locked in our bedroom or if it’s - ….something that’ll affect everyone here and if they’ll be okay with it and if it’s going to be a forever thing and if that’s okay with you and I … I’m really scared, Keaton. 

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

I know, I know. And I love Harris, I do, but...I’m still sorry. I wish this didn’t have to be temporary. It bothers me too, you know that? I don’t like it anymore than you do. You’re home, Ry. Being away from you is never what I want. Nothing will ever change that. Oh. Oh. Baby, no. Don’t. Never hate anything about yourself, please. I mean, easier said than done, I know, but...God, I hate that you’ve ever felt that way. No one said this was going to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. That’s what makes it worth it, right? Getting through the hard shit and coming out on the other side stronger for it? Okay, yeah. I - That makes sense. And, I mean, you don’t have to dive in all at once, right? It’s okay to kind of wade into this slowly? Baby steps and all that. Wait. Whoa. What? Cut my losses? I know this is a huge thing and by no means an easy thing for you to say, but complicated and messy or not, I love you. I have loved you for far too long to “cut my losses” and just run away. I want to do this with you. Just like we’ve done everything else since you and I met. I don’t promise to do it perfectly or to always understand everything, but I want to at least try. Oh. Well. Okay then. That...I’ll take that, yeah. I’m kind of head over heels for you too, just, y’know, to clarify if I hadn’t already. Hey, we can figure that all out, okay? I’ve never done this either, love. Never even really thought about it, so...we’ll never know until we try, yeah? You’re not gonna do this without me. I would never let you do this alone. Just, tell me what you need and want and I will do my best to not be a royal prick about it, yeah? And don’t bottle it in if I say or do something wrong or the makes you feel unsafe, a’right? I want this to be as easy for you as it can be. Worry about you first and worry about me second, got it? Okay, yeah. She’s your new guard, so...yeah. Makes sense. I’m so, so glad she’s been there for you. Remind me to lay off her a bit, will you? I think I may owe her now. Think I could get in on some of that research? Awh. He’s a good lad. You don’t have to. Not right away. I never want you to have to hide any part of you, but I get it. And if you do decide to tell everyone I will personally pummel anyone who says anything remotely negative towards you. Old guard habits die hard. Whatever you want and need is okay with me. We’ll figure it out. Oh, Ry.  Can I - Is it okay if I hug you now? Because I feel a cuddle coming on. And it’s okay to be scared. But I’m here and I’m not going anywhere in the near future, so just...It’ll be okay.

[vava-victoria]

No, but there’s still other evidence all pointing to you being a complete moron.  The fact that you called your brain ‘good old noodle’ … exhibit A.  Ah.  I’d say he and Sinclair are right about on par.  Well, it’s not as if we’ve got anything better to do at the moment.  Eh.  They need work.

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

Hey! Okay, well...that’s probably true, yes. But, okay in my defense, I am not the first person to call my brain a noodle. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Leave Jer out of this. He’s a precious baby angel child. We do not say those things about him. AHA! Great success. Oi! Better than that rubbish you’re throwing out there.

[captain-jerxbear-blog]

Oh um - oh gosh.  I’m sure that you’re um - that you’re a lot better than me.  But that still um - that sounds fun!  It’s um - probably good um - exercise and everything um - too.  I um - I uh - I - oh - jeepers.  Married?  I - um - jeepers.  I don’t know if she’d um - want to actually - um - marry me.  I um - I adore you too.  It is um - is it - warm in here?  Well - yeah, I think she um - she definitely can be.  

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

I wouldn’t bet on it, mate. My strengths lie more with tossing weights around. I’m hopeless otherwise, honestly. Good! Most definitely. Great cardio and strength training. I was threatened with muscles I didn’t know I had hurting after, so it’s gotta be a good work out. Heheh. Sorry, sorry. Didn’t mean to make you go all tomato red, but she’s mad for ya mate. No doubt in my mind she’d say yes. You’re the cutest. My lord. And that’s why you love her, yeah?

[captain-jerxbear-blog]

It’s um - I um - sorry.  You’d um - you wouldn’t mind if I um - if I joined you?  That’s um - that’s kind of what Harrison keeps um - saying.  If I um - dance that maybe it’ll help me with um - balance and um - stuff.  It’d be nice to not um - randomly um - fall over.  That’s um - that’s true!  I um - I really trust you.  No, she um - she probably um - wouldn’t.  But I also don’t think that she’d um - she’d blame you at um - at all.

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

Bloody hell, mate! It’d be an honor! Would love nothing more, honestly. He’s a smart lad, that one. And a damn good dancer. I, on the other hand, would probably make you look like a pro. Aye, it would. And you could whip out some sick moves when you and little lady get married. Hehe. Awwwh! Jer, you’re kind of the puppiest pup of them all and I adore you. You’re too good for this world. I don’t know. She seems like a protective little thing. I wouldn’t count her out in a fight.

[kingxharris]

Gross. No. You can just wear like sweats if you want. Something you can move in in every direction but won’t trip over. If you like it and want to do more of it, we can talk tights and what’s essential for male ballerinas. Um, yes. Preferably, but we could do it after noon if you need. You’ll have a good time, don’t stress. Oh, no. Well, that’s good? Oh. Shit. You want me to tell you that being in love with someone often feels like being punched in the chest? I’m not sure if it’s normal, but it often feels like that for me and Jay. C’mon. Imma get you some ice cream and we’re gonna head to the couch and we’ll figure this out. I’m still sober so I’m fine. Nothing to worry about. Let’s focus on helping you. What’s going on? 

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

Gross?! Are you saying this butt would not look totally fabulous in tights? ‘Cause it would, mate. But alright. Sweats it is. Please tell me a tutu will be involved at some point. No, no. Before noon is fine. It’s like guard training all over again. Kind of nostalgic for it, if I’m being honest. Yeah. Hah. Sounds a little mad, doesn’t it? Nice to know I’m not alone, though. You’re a bit of a saint, you know that? And I kinda love you a lot. But good! I’m happy to hear it, love. I just - I mean, I don’t really know? He won’t talk to me, at least not about anything real. And he sure as hell won’t let me touch him. There’s something going on with him but he won’t talk to me about it. At first I thought maybe it was just left over Max stuff, but....I don’t think so anymore. It hurts and I’m frustrated and...I don’t want to be, you know? I don’t know what to do.

[rebel-ryder]

Since you left me to become someone else’s guard, honestly. I keep waiting for you to be sent away again. I’m always afraid of losing you. Especially with all the crazy shit that follows us around lately. But that’s not … everyone has limits, kitten. Even you. I hope not. I really really hope not. No. It’s not - I. I know you don’t scare easy and that for most things, I’d believe beyond a shadow of a doubt you’d never leave me. But this? This is … I’m not certain about this. Let me just…let me just spit it out. And we can see where we are after that, okay? You know I play with gender things. It’s not…it’s not really a social statement like I said it was. I think I’m genderfluid. No. I know I’m genderfluid, I’m just not … I’m having a hard time accepting that. I didn’t know there was a word for it until a couple of weeks ago. It started when I was little and I was unable to classify myself properly. I didn’t understand why they were telling me I was a little boy when I was clearly a little girl. And then some days I was a little boy and that made total sense. I switch. I used to um, when I said I was hit by a muse and needed to go to my home studio? It was like really bad girl days where I couldn’t take being in my own skin anymore and I had … things at home that I’d try and soothe myself with. Clothes and make up and that. I felt better if I was appearing as the gender I felt I was at the time. I haven’t gotten those breaks here. So I’ve gotten more and more uncomfortable and that’s why I’ve been - it just feels wrong sometimes. For you to look at me and touch me the way you do and I know what you’re seeing and it doesn’t match how I’m feeling and it’s just - it’s insane. I know. I’m so sorry. I tried to ignore it and I can’t. I’m sorry. 

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

Oh, Ry. I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.  I wish I could - I don’t know. I wish I could do something to make this all easier. Hey, no. I can deal with whatever. I’m not a stranger to my world being flipped upside down, you know. I don’t, but you’re scaring me right now. Like a shit ton. Okay, okay. Just take your time, alright? I’ll listen for as long as you need to talk. G - genderfluid? Okay. Okay, yeah. I mean, it makes sense, I guess. I just...Ry, you don’t need to be sorry about it. If that’s who you are and how you feel that’s...I can’t and absolutely will not tell you that’s wrong. I don’t - I mean you’ll have to explain to me how it all works and what makes you comfortable because I don’t - I just...I’m at a bit of a loss, you know? Does it - does it change the way you feel about me? Like, when you have those girl days? Sorry. I don’t want to make this about me. I don’t even know what to ask, really. Just...how does this change things, I guess? And what do you need from me? Does anyone else know?

[luna-eclipsex]

Dont.  Call me a fucking junkie.  Oh yeah, right.  That’s good, it’s all my fault, blame it on me.  He was doing it to protect you too, you dickwad.  Max told him that he’d make sure you would get fired if he went to anyone, so he was trying to protect your stupid, can’t-see-what’s-in-front-of-his-own-face ass too.  How the fuck do you think just asking was going to do anything?  You know we couldn’t have said anything.  I can’t believe that no one noticed.  I can’t believe that no one actually bothered enough to look into it a little bit more.  He wasn’t fucking subtle!  He’s not out there fucking with some other kid, although that’s no thanks to you.  Yeah well whoopie for fucking you - if you really cared about him that much then you have really shit ways of showing it.  You know what?  You have absolutely no idea what went on.  You can sit here all high and mighty, and fucking judgey, but that doesn’t absolve you of any guilt, and that doesn’t make you any better than me.  You should feel guilty.  Fuck you.

Seriously, fuck you.

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

Just callin’ ‘em like I see ‘em, love. Oh, please. You think I don’t know that?! You really think I’m that stupid?! What else was I supposed to do without solid proof?! He never did anything in front of me and you two weren’t talking! Should I have just gone to agency headquarters and threatened the agency head’s son of fucking with you? Get my ass fired anyway? Sure. Yeah. Brilliant idea. Fuck you, Luna! I did everything I knew how to do!! I never said it would and don’t expect anything to make this guilt go away, but thanks for your two fucking cents. And you know wha-

Fucking seriously? Fuck you too. Do not fucking talk to me again. I’m done. So, so very fucking done.

[vava-victoria]

And maybe if you picked up a book every once and a while, you’d have a bit of information stored away too.  Which jittery kid, there’s more than one under this roof.  No, I’m actually not surprised at all.  You seem to make up a language all of your own.  But alright, I’ve got time to kill.  Lets see your best dance moves, then.

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

Excuse you. I have plenty of information stored in the good old noodle. Just because I can’t speak seventeen different languages doesn’t mean I’m a total idiot. Just a mild idiot. Nate. The jitteriest of the jittery. I am going to take that as a compliment, thank you! Oi! You can’t go making fun of me then want to see my sick moves! But alright. Here goes.

[kingxharris]

Sure. Mmmhmmm. Ballet mistresses are not to be fucked with. You’ll see. Ha. Wait until she had a bun and a stick. Awesome. Um. Whenever you wake up and are ready is fine. We’ll probably be there. She’s an early riser. And I’m well, me. I do not agree to these terms. Watching people do ballet for the first time is hysterical. You’ll see. You’ll laugh too, I promise. You can to that, but you’ll lose. Also hi. I’d really like a hug now, s’il vous plaît. How are you doing? How’s Ryder? and Kalen? And um, everyone, I guess. 

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

Ha! Noted. This would be the perfect time for a kink joke if not for the fact that it’s your mother. But, I promise to come shaking in my....wait. What does one wear to a ballet lesson? Will I need tights? Because I definitely don’t have tights. Alright. So set my alarm for before noon. Got it. Heeeeeeey! Ugh. Fine. If I don’t you owe me ice cream and cuddles. Probably, but it’ll be fun. Hello, love. Of course, of course. C’mere. I’m a mess, honestly. As far as I know everyone’s okay. Coping. Ryder...that’s another story and I’m really not sure what to say about it other than I’m confused and kinda feel like someone punched a hole in my chest. Lie and tell me that’s normal, please? How’re you, though? Anything I can do?

[luna-eclipsex]

Hey, yeah it is.  You know what else would have been really fucking ace?  If you learned how to be a good enough person, and good enough at your job to notice that your boyfriend was literally getting abused and terrorized by someone from your agency right under your nose.

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

Don’t. You. Fucking. Dare. You know good and goddamn well what he went through and that he couldn't fucking tell me. That he wouldn’t fucking tell me all be cause he was trying to protect your sorry junkie ass. I asked what was going on, okay?! It makes me sick to my stomach every single fucking day knowing that he’s out there, fucking with some other kid that doesn’t need that in their life. So fuck you. I love Ryder more than I ever thought I could love another person and I’ve been with him through some serious shit, so don’t act like you know what finding out about that shit did to me - what kind of guilt I’m living with. For someone who couldn’t be bothered to stay sober enough for her friend, you sure are passing a lot of fucking judgement. Might want to think about doing that twice, yeah?

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

lmfaorebel-ryder:

I know. I know. No - it’s not - fuck, Keaton. I love you too. So much. That’s why I’ve … I’m so so scared. So scared that I’m going to lose you. That maybe what I’ve got going on is going to be too much and I keep trying to just get over it and I can’t and I don’t- if you’re not okay with it….we’re still going to be living in the same house and I don’t know if I can handle that and I’m - I don’t know what to do. Losing you because of distance almost seems preferable. 

Hey, hey! Whoa. Since when was losing me something we were afraid of?! Ryder, I didn’t run when were kids and I’m not going to run now. My love is not conditional, you know that right? I don’t - I mean, I obviously haven’t got a damn clue as to what you’re going through, but no matter what it is I’m not going to throw away years of friendship and feelings away that quickly. Do you really think so little of me? That I’d bolt just ‘cause things got hard or messy? Babe, we’ve been living nothing but hard and messy for a while now and you’re one of the only things that keeps me grounded. Don’t - No. You can’t say shit like that, Ry! Please don’t think like that. Please? 

[vava-victoria]

I’m sure there are plenty of drummers out there without timing and rhythm.  Drummers who have failed to realize that they can’t hold a beat.  Surely your lack of ability to dance must showcase that.  Did you really just utter the phrase boogie room?  With a completely straight face?

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

I think your brain is too full of information for you your own good. Yikes. How have you and the jittery kid not bonded yet? Honestly. Whatever. Anyway, no I can’t dance, but clearly that doesn't stop me, so moot point. Of course I did. Are you really surprised? This is me we’re talking about. You should know better by now.

[captain-jerxbear-blog]

I’m um - I um - I - well, thank you.  No!  You’re a um - a really good um - dancer.  You should get Harrison to um - show you some um - moves though.  He’s um - he’s really good.  I wish I could dance - different kinds of dances like um - like waltz maybe.  It’s so um - elegant.  But I’m so - so clumsy.

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

So welcome, love. Now that, my dearest Jer, is a boldfaced lie, but I like it. Thank you for the flattery, it will in fact get you everywhere. I’m working on that, actually. You should join us! Clumsy or not, maybe it’ll help a bit? Work on that balance. At least you’ll be able to say you tried, yeah? And if all else fails, I’m trained to save your life. I have a feeling that girl of yours won’t be too pleased with me if I let something happen to you, yeah? So you know I definitely won’t letcha get hurt.

[kingxharris]

Hahahaha. Maybe one day. I’m not sure riot’s the not right word. She’s quite scary when she wants to be. I can almost guarantee you will be sore in places you didn’t even know you had muscles, but it’d be awesome in terms of endurance and flexibility for you. So yeah, any time you want to. We sorta took over a corner of the training room. Possibly. I don’t think it’d make it worse. So is this you starting one? 

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

Definitely one day, please and thank you. Scary? Really? Not that I don’t believe you she’s just....so cute. And I mean that in the least creepy way possible. Promise. But I’m in. What time should I be up and ready to go for this? You’re so not allowed to make fun of me either. My idea exactly. Absolutely it is. One day I may even challenge you to a friendly dance battle, pup.

[rebel-ryder]

Keaton. We - of course I would. You are my boyfriend. I- what? I’m sorry if you don’t feel like it anymore. I’ve been a little… I’m sorry.  

[bigbrokeaton-blog]

I just...I’m sorry. Fuck. What is it, then? You’ve been what? Because I don’t know how to do this if we don’t talk to each other, babe. If you need a little room to breathe, I get it, but you can tell me that. It won’t hurt my feelings. Pinky promise. I love you, but when you just stop talking to me like that...that’s what hurts. Just...I don’t know. I just don’t know.