Roommates | 4. swipe right
Pairing: pornstar!joel x f!reader
Chapter Summary: Maria convinces you to join a dating app, where you match with someone very familiar and hit it off. But as time goes on, Joel finds it more and more difficult to stifle his feelings.
Chapter Warnings: language, mention of drugs, jealousy, possessiveness, mutual pining, slow burn, cigarette and alcohol use, flirting, sexual tension, smut (18+ MDNI - reader x OC), infidelity đ
WC: 11K
Series Masterlist
"I can't believe you're talking me into this," you said to Maria, holding out your wine glass so she could top you off. It was a quiet Thursday night. Joel was at work and Tommy picked up an extra shift at the bar so the evening turned into an unofficial girl's night. You ordered pizza and opened a bottle of red wine and as the night wore on, the conversation inevitably turned to the most irritating topic you could think of: your love life.
"Oh, come on. Charlie was like, what? Two months ago?" Maria pointed out, setting down the bottle of wine on the coffee table. She walked over to the window and with a grunt, lifted it up to allow the cool night air into the living room.
"I'm perfectly happy the way things are," you said stubbornly, eyeing up your phone as it downloaded the dating app against your better judgement, the little black and white icon blinking on your home screen. You could always delete it tomorrow.
"Yeah, I bet you are," Maria teased, flopping back onto the couch. You arched an eyebrow at her.
"What does that mean?"
She rolled her eyes and took a sip of wine. "You know what I'm about to say."
"And you know what I'll say right back," you countered, looking down at your phone.
Maria watched you for a minute before putting her glass down and leaning forward. "Why can't you just try to make it work with Joel?"
"Maria," you groaned, "you know why. We've been through this."
"Can't you just look past it or whatever? It's so obvious you two are perfect for each other."
"If Tommy were fucking other girls for a living, would you just look past it?" you asked with an edge to your voice, and she immediately backed down.
"You're right, I know," she said, waving her hands in the air. You raked your fingers through your hair and settled back into the couch, trying to let it go, but after a brief silence, Maria couldn't help but try one more time.
"He's not gonna do this job forever," she said, and you sighed.
"You don't know that."
"I don't think it makes him as happy as it used to," she said, examining her chipped nail polish. Your eyes flicked up to hers with interest.
"Why do you say that?"
She grinned and crossed her legs, knowing that comment would pull you in. "Something Tommy said to me a while ago. Their mom doesn't think he's happy, that he wants to settle down but he's having a hard time finding someone because, well... you know."
"Yeah, right," you scoffed, "he's just hitting his stride and making all that money now from that series or whatever. He's not quitting any time soon."
The movie Joel had filmed that earned him a certain level of fame over the summer was offered up as a series, which he excitedly accepted.
You still refused to look it up.
"If he did quit, would it make a difference?" Maria asked boldly, knowing full well she was pushing it. You sighed and rubbed your eyes.
"I don't even know. There's no point in discussing it anymore. We're just friends. Now can you please show me how to set up this stupid fucking thing?" you asked, holding out your phone. She grinned and snatched it from your hand, typing in your basic information before settling in for the good stuff.
"Okay, I already know what photos we can use. The one you and me took on the beach-" you balked and she quickly shook her head, "I'll crop it so it's not showing your whole body. And then those pics from that concert last summer where you had that killer eye makeup with that red top, do you remember?"
You nodded and stretched your legs out, deciding to let Maria have her fun. If you didn't like how it turned out, you reminded yourself once again you could just delete it in the morning.
The bottle was empty and you were going back and forth with Maria about your ideal first date and dream vacation when Joel shuffled through the door.
"Girls," he said with a tired nod before heading into the kitchen to grab a beer. Maria quieted down and curled her finger at you, making you lean in.
"Just watch how jealous he gets when he finds out what we're doing," she whispered. You shook your head and tried to grab the phone out of her hands but it was too late: Joel had walked back into the living room and collapsed into an armchair with a sigh.
"Tough day at the office?" Maria teased him like she usually did. Joel just grunted, not a hint of a smile to be found. You and Maria exchanged glances before you asked, "everything okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," he said, taking a long swig of beer, "just wasn't a good day, is all."
You frowned and glanced at Maria again. Joel hardly ever complained about work.
"Are you-" Maria began hesitantly, then Joel quickly cut her off.
"My costar's a fuckin' problem," he began, taking you both by surprise. "She's high outta her goddamn mind every time she's on set and it's fuckin' everythin' up. I can't-" he paused and looked up at you both, realizing for the first time that he never really shared work stories with either of you, so he cleared his throat. "Nevermind. What're you two doin'?"
He jutted his chin towards your phone in Maria's hand and you both stumbled over your words.
"Oh, nothing, she's just-"
"I'm just showing her how-"
"Is that Hinge?" he asked with a frown, clearly recognizing the logo on the screen.
"Yeah, Maria just thought it would be fun," you said, and suddenly it felt like all the fun was sucked out of the room. Joel scratched his chin and he slowly nodded, his eyes still locked on your phone.
"Good," he finally said, taking another long sip from his beer. "Happy for you," he added, looking at you now, but you could tell he was anything but happy. Your muscles tensed up when he pinned you with a stony glare, one you weren't sure you had ever seen on him before. "Maybe you can find another asshole to waste your time on."
"Joel!" Maria gasped angrily, furrowing her brows.
"What the fuck is your problem?" you snapped, clenching your fists and staring daggers at him from across the room. He just shrugged and stood up, heading towards the stairs.
"I don't got a problem. You're the one who attracts these losers and then y'wonder why you're cryin' your eyes out when it don't work."
Your nostrils flared and you could feel the anger boiling up, tightening like a vice around your throat. "Oh yeah? Losers like you?"
The way the entire room fell silent, you could hear a pin drop. He was pissed. Joel's face was glowing red and you noticed a muscle in his jaw twitch as he continued to stare you down. You held out your hand for your phone and, once Maria took a moment to recover, handed it to you. Pushing yourself off the couch, you brushed past him, lightly knocking into his shoulder as you went and announced you were going to bed.
You could hear Joel and Maria's tense, hushed voices in the living room below once you changed into your pajamas and tucked yourself into bed. It was maybe half an hour later when you heard Joel's heavy footsteps walking up the stairs, the familiar squeak of hinges informing you he closed his door.
It must have been closer to two in the morning when you awoke to a light tapping on your door. Groggily, you sat up and rubbed your eyes before flicking on your light and sliding your legs out from between your sheets. You cracked open the door and when you found Joel waiting on the other side with a guilty look on his face, you scowled.
"I'm sorry," he whispered sincerely. Then he glanced over his shoulder and just as quietly asked if he could come in. You rolled your eyes and shoved open the door before padding back to your bed and pulling your covers over your legs.
He sat on the edge of your mattress and sighed, looking down at his hands shamefully as he tried to come up with the right words to make amends.
"I shouldn't've said that. I'm an asshole," he began, still avoiding your gaze. "I had a bad day and I took it out on you. Wasn't right, and I'm sorry."
You sighed. "I'm sorry, too," you mumbled, picking at the edge of your quilt. You knew it wasn't worth the fight. In all the time you'd known him, Joel had never said anything like that to you before, so you chose to give him a pass. "I know we don't talk about your job a lot but... do you want to talk about it?"
"No," he responded quickly, then added, "but thanks."
Relief washed over you when he declined your offer. As much as you wanted to be supportive, it was always a difficult topic for you to talk about.
He stared down at his hands fidgeting in his lap. "So... datin' apps?"
"I guess," you yawned, "it's probably a terrible idea."
"You shouldn't need apps to find someone," he said softly.
You laughed. "I don't know. As you pointed out, I don't have a great track record on my own."
Joel cringed and looked up at you. "I'm sorry," he said again, but you just shook your head.
"It's fine. Just giving you a hard time."
He smiled and looked over at your phone idly charging on your nightstand.
"Find anyone good?"
You followed his gaze to your phone and shook your head. "I didn't look yet, we were just setting up my profile when you came home."
"You gotta be careful with those things," he warned, eyes drifting back to you. "Lots of guys just use those apps to hook up with girls, y'know."
You weren't sure why, but it made you laugh. Maybe because he sounded so serious, like he was actually trying to shield you from the douchebags of the world by telling you something you already knew.
"And what makes you think I'm not looking for the same thing?" you joked, but your smile faltered when you saw his gaze darken.
"Oh, I know that ain't what you're lookin' for."
You knew it was a bad idea to engage with him further, but still, you arched an eyebrow and crossed your arms. "Yeah? How's that?"
"'Cause if you were, you and I both know you'd be in my bed right now."
He smirked when he saw the shock pass over your face. "I just mean, it's why we didn't work out, right? If you weren't lookin' for somethin' serious then you wouldn't've cared 'bout my job."
You blinked slowly, then swallowed, trying to calm your racing heart. "Right," you finally squeaked. He looked so smug, sitting there just a foot away, watching you squirm. And maybe it was the wine from earlier or maybe you were still a little annoyed with him because you leaned forward a fraction and cocked your head to the side. "But that was a long time ago. Things change."
Now you got to smile triumphantly while he struggled with what to say. Your eyes sparkled, watching as his breath stuttered and the blush creeped up his neck. It must have been at that point when he figured out the game you were playing because he leaned forward, hand sinking into the mattress next to your hip so he could invade your personal space, but you refused to back down. You forced your breath to remain even as you stared at one another, each waiting for the other to crack.
"Did things change?" he asked lowly, his eyes roaming over your face.
You grinned and bit your lower lip. "What if they did?"
He leaned in more and took a deep breath. He was so close you could feel him breathing against your neck and you had to suppress the urge to shudder.
"Then I'd remind you that my door's always open," he murmured in your ear, and that time you couldn't stop your eyelids from fluttering. He noticed and tilted his head so his nose was dangerously close to brushing against yours. When your lips parted, so did his, and you watched as his eyes slid shut, eagerly waiting for you to close the distance and kiss him.
With your mouth hovering over his, you whispered his name.
"Yeah, baby?" he whispered back.
"I think you should go to bed."
When his eyes snapped open, you had already leaned back against your headboard with a victorious smirk on your face. He slowly grinned and dropped his chin to his chest with a groan. "You win," he conceded, and you giggled as he forced himself to stand, walking stiffly towards your door.
"My offer still stands," he said over his shoulder.
"Oh, thank you so much. I'll be sure to keep that in mind," you replied sarcastically, then flicked your light off and slid underneath your sheets.
It was a huge mistake to drink that much wine on a Thursday night but an even bigger mistake to not get enough sleep due to Joel's middle of the night apology. You stared blearily at your computer screen, the words jumbling together. You blinked rapidly, trying to clear your vision and focus, but it was a lost cause. You were completely useless and it was almost lunchtime. The best you could do was pray nobody noticed you were having an unproductive day and start over again fresh next week.
Picking up your desk phone, you dialed Maria's extension and tapped your fingers on your desk, waiting for her to pick up.
"What's up?"
"You wanna go get lunch today?"
"Absolutely. It's too nice outside to be stuck in here. When?"
You agreed on a time and hung up. With renewed vigor, you began pulling up websites for restaurants nearby, scanning menus and sending them to Maria for her input. You both decided on a small spot around the corner that didn't have much seating but was well known in the area for having the very best sandwiches and salads. By being strategic with your timing, you were able to secure a bench a few doors down on the sidewalk while Maria went inside to order your food.
She met you on the bench and handed you your sandwich and drink, wasting no time in asking you about the dating app.
"I haven't even looked at it since last night," you admitted, taking a bite out of your turkey club with a groan.
"Don't tell me Joel's stupid shit made you change your mind."
"No, not at all," you said immediately. "I'm still gonna give it a try, I just haven't felt like answering the rest of those dumb questions."
"Well, let's do them now," she urged. You rolled your eyes but pulled out your phone and opened the app, scrolling until you found where you left off.
"Okay. The question is, what are five things you can't live without?"
Maria took a bite of her sandwich and thought about it. "DVD player," she said, and you laughed.
"That'll make me sound like such a loser."
"But you need to be honest about what you like! You're always watching movies."
You sighed and nodded. "Fine. What else?"
"Hmm, how about your best friend?" she teased. You giggled and tapped the answer into your phone.
"I need to come up with something sexy. Nobody's going to give me a second glance if I give all boring answers."
"Let me zoom out on that beach pic and you'll get all the matches you can handle," she said, and you playfully swatted her shoulder. You both fell silent while you thought about it for a moment.
"You should put breakfast," Maria finally said, and you raised an eyebrow. "You know. Breakfast comes after spending the night together..." she trailed off and you slowly nodded.
"Yeah, okay, that's good," you told her, typing it in. The two of you spent the rest of your lunch break filling out your dating app profile and as you were waiting for potential matches to load, Maria asked the question that went unspoken all day.
"What do you think Joel's problem was last night?"
You sighed and crumpled up your trash, tossing it into the bin nearby.
"Who knows. I think he just had a bad day at work and got pissed off."
"He never seems to have a bad day at work. Wonder what that was all about," she mused. "Are you guys not talking now? Is dinner going to be weird?"
"Nah, we're fine," you assured her without going into details. "He apologized."
"Good," she said, wiping her mouth with a napkin and eying you carefully. "But you do know he got upset because he's jealous, right?"
"Oh, here we go!" you said excitedly, ignoring her question when profiles popped up on your screen. Maria immediately got distracted and the two of you spent the rest of your lunch break scrolling through profiles of different men within 15 miles.
"You hardly swiped right on any of them," Maria argued as you walked back to the office. You still held your phone in front of you, swiping left on yet another profile.
"That's not true. I think I swiped right on, like, four guys."
"But we looked at a hundred!" she laughed, then quickly stopped when she heard you gasp loudly. "What?"
"Oh my god," you squealed, then turned your phone so she could see the screen. Her jaw fell open and she slapped her palm over her mouth.
"Is that Sam?!"
"Yes!" you giggled, pushing her off to the side so you could stop walking and scroll his profile together.
"Oh, of course he uploaded his headshot," Maria said, rolling her eyes, then squeaked when the next picture was a shirtless photo of him at the beach with his arm around what appeared to be his father. "Oh, shit, he's kind of hot," she said, pinching the screen so she could zoom in. "When do you think this was taken?"
"I don't know, but be careful," you told her, shooing her hand away so you could read his profile. After a few moments where you both read silently to yourselves, Maria hummed and stepped back. "I mean... it sounds like you would actually have a lot in common."
"No," you said shaking your head furiously, "there is no way I am going on a date with Sam. Can you imagine how awkward that would make things at work? Especially if it didn't go well? I would need to find a new job!"
"Oh, please! It's a big office! What if he's the love of your life?" Maria tugged on your elbow, forcing you to move down the sidewalk again. "Besides, if he thinks it's inappropriate, he won't swipe right on you. Leave it in his hands to decide."
"He is not the love of my life," you told her sternly.
"You don't know til you spend a little time with him. C'mon, take a chance! Live a little!"
You groaned and pinched the bridge of your nose, your thumb still hovering over his picture. When you got to the front door of your office building, Maria paused and looked back at you expectantly. You sighed and squeezed your eyes shut, blindly sliding right and instantly shoving your phone in your purse.
"Now we wait," Maria said, opening the door for you and wiggling her eyebrows.
You spent the rest of the afternoon ducked low in your cubicle, hoping you wouldn't happen to see Sam walk by. It was months since you last spent any real time with him, back when he was presenting his first case in court and he had asked you to do some overtime to help him prepare the files he needed. Since then, your interactions had been limited to just brief nods and smiles in passing, but from what you heard around the office, he had been doing very well and the partners were impressed with him.
He seemed nice enough once you got past the cocky attitude he brought with him when he was first hired. He was handsome and smart. He paid for your Uber the night you worked past dark, he didn't need to do that. On paper, he would be a good match, but you couldn't stop thinking about Joel and what he would think.
You shook it off, deciding that the game of chicken you played with Joel the night before just got in your head a bit. But you couldn't deny there was something thrilling about how close you were to having the feel of his soft lips on your throat again, or his hands roaming your skin, hearing the rough groans he made when he fucked you slow and deep while he whispered in your ear what a soft pussy you had.
It was the best sex of my life.
"Fuck," you muttered, suddenly feeling flushed. You fumbled around your desk and switched on your little table top fan, angling it so it blew directly onto your face while you closed your eyes for a moment and took a few deep breaths. You needed to snap out of it. Joel was not an option for a very good reason.
If he did quit, would it make a difference?
You never really considered that before. Could you see yourself working things out with him if he quit, or would you always be haunted by his past?
You never got a chance to figure out the answer because your phone buzzed quietly on your desk. Glancing down, your eyes widened in shock when you saw Sam's name pop up with one unread text. You completely forgot you had saved his number from the night he bought you the Uber and you felt instant dread.
With shaky hands, you reached down for your phone and slid the notification over to read his message.
Are you serious?
"Shit, shit, shit, shit," you whispered to yourself, glancing around and making sure nobody was watching your meltdown. You fucking knew it was a bad idea and now it might get you fired.
I'm so sorry, that was inappropriate. Please ignore it.
You chewed nervously on your fingernail and waited for his reply with your heart hammering in your chest. Then his response came through.
Are you really interested in me? Or was this some kind of joke?
Your fingers froze over your screen, staring down at the words, reading them over and over as your brain struggled to keep up.
It wasn't a joke.
You closed out of Sam's text and opened Maria's, tapping furiously.
GUESS WHO FUCKING TEXTED ME?
SHUT UP! He saw?? Already?
You went back to Sam's text and waited, your foot bouncing anxiously under your desk for those three little bubbles to appear, but five minutes went by and then ten without a response. You opened Maria's text back up.
I think he's pissed. Could I get fired?
No way! There's nothing about inter-office dating in the employee handbook, and it's not considered harassment. You're good, don't worry. I wouldn't set you up like that. I'm sure he's not pissed.
You breathed a sigh of relief, grateful that Maria actually read the damn handbook, unlike yourself who just happily signed it on your first day.
Then you saw the notification pop up at the top of the screen: It's a match!
"Holy shit," you muttered, opening it up and seeing Sam's name with a message that said It better not be a joke, you'll break my heart.
All fucking day Joel had to hear you and Maria titter around your bedroom, giggling and listening to music while you tried on outfits and then did your hair and makeup for your first date with Sam.
Sam.
What a stupid fucking name.
He sat out on the deck, hoping to find some peace and quiet, but unfortunately you had your window cracked and he could hear everything. He groaned and buried his face in his hands when he heard Maria suggesting a matching bra and panty set, then stood up to go back inside when he ran right into Tommy, who was about to join him with a beer in his hand.
"Everythin' alright?" he asked, picking up on Joel's shitty mood right away.
"Yeah, I'm gonna head out," he said, trying to brush past him, but Tommy held out his free hand, pressing it firmly against his brother's chest.
"Joel," he said, tilting his head to the side and giving him a knowing look. Joel sighed and rested his hands on his hips.
"I can't, Tommy," was all he said, hanging his head in shame.
"You must've known this woulda happened one day."
"Didn't think it would hurt like this," he mumbled, still avoiding Tommy's gaze. Tommy's eyebrows wrinkled with concern and then he heard you and Maria laugh from up above.
"C'mon, why don't we walk around the block or somethin'," he said, pulling Joel by the shoulder and leading him down the deck stairs.
They walked in silence for a while, which Joel appreciated. He just needed a minute to clear his head. But then Tommy suddenly asked, "d'you love her?" and Joel almost tripped on the sidewalk.
"Love her?" he repeated with a scoff, then shook his head.
"You sure 'bout that?" Tommy pressed.
Joel sighed and rubbed his face with the palm of his hand. "I don't know."
"Jesus," Tommy muttered under his breath, "how could you move in here thinkin' this was a good idea?"
"I don't know!" Joel snapped angrily, "I guess I thought maybe one day..." he trailed off but Tommy put the pieces together.
"Hey, listen," he said, "it ain't like she's marryin' the guy. It's just a date."
"Yeah, but it don't matter, anyway. She'll never be with me so long as I got this goddamn job," Joel huffed and scratched his chin.
"Well if you really wanna be with her, why don't you think 'bout a career change?"
"Doin' what, exactly? What experience do I have? How the hell can any of this shit sound good on a résumé?" Joel bit back as they turned the corner, heading back towards the house.
"I can get you a job at the bar," Tommy offered, "it pays good. I mean, probably not as good as porn, but-"
"That's the other thing," Joel said, cutting him off, "the money. I just signed this contract for a three movie deal. Fifty grand per movie. Plus merch and endorsements and shit. I'm finally actually makin' decent money at this."
Tommy let out a low whistle. "Shitty time to fall in love."
"I never said I love her," Joel reminded him, then turned to Tommy. "Don't you go tellin' Maria this shit."
"I won't, I promise," Tommy said, crossing his heart. "But if you want my advice, you gotta sort out your priorities, brother."
Joel inhaled deeply as they approached the driveway and saw an unfamiliar black, sharp looking car parked behind his truck. His heart plummeted.
"Yeah, I know."
"I gotta say, this is not as awkward as I thought it would be," you giggled over your second margarita. Sam tipped his head back laughed.
"I'm flattered," Sam joked, his eyes sparkling in amusement.
You had both decided to keep your first date casual: just a couple drinks and shared appetizers at a local Mexican restaurant. The place was packed with college students blowing off steam at the start of a new semester and you were beginning to feel a little overdressed the more you looked around, but Sam didn't seem to notice or care.
"So, Hinge, huh?" he asked, scooping up some guacamole with a tortilla chip, "how's your luck been so far?"
"I just joined a few days ago, so pretty good," you boldly replied with a wink, making him grin as his cheeks flushed. "What about you?"
He wiped his mouth with a napkin before replying. "Me? I've been on it a little longer than a few days," he said, and you giggled, "results are hit or miss. Work's kept me pretty busy the past few months and it's hard to find someone who understands that, y'know?"
You nodded solemnly and took another sip of your drink. "I've heard things around the office. People are saying you're doing a really great job."
"Yeah?" he asked, trying to hide the excitement behind his drink. You nodded as you took a bite of quesadilla.
"I heard you're getting a lot of face time with the partners on some high level cases now."
"That's true," he said with a nod, "I'm very lucky. Those guys have so much expertise and I'm learning so much from them. Sometimes I can't believe they give me a chance to weigh in on some of these cases, considering how green I still am."
You frowned and tilted your head to the side. "It's not luck, Sam. You're, like, really smart." He glanced up at you and shrugged bashfully, trying to play off your compliment, but you wouldn't let him. "I mean it. You work so hard and the partners can see that. Hell, I saw it a few months ago when we worked all those late nights." You put your hand gently on his forearm and leaned in. "You worked hard for this. Don't sell yourself short."
He stared down at your hand for a moment, letting your words wash over him before he met your gaze again. He searched your eyes before leaning in and cupping your face. "Can I kiss you?" he asked softly, and all you could do was nod, your voice trapped somewhere in your throat.
The rowdiness of the bar drifted away when his lips first brushed against yours. They were soft, his touch was sweet and he smelled like some kind of expensive cologne or hair product. He didn't try to deepen the kiss. He didn't slide his hand up your leg. By all accounts, it was a perfect first date and a perfect first kiss, so you tried to focus on that and not the nagging feeling in the back of your head that something was missing. You ignored it and told yourself it was just first date jitters.
But even after the date, when Sam walked you to the front door and kissed you goodnight with the same tenderness as before, you couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't quite right. You watched Sam back out of the driveway, tapping lightly on the horn with a wave and a smile before you sighed and opened the front door.
Kicking off your shoes and shrugging off your jacket, you glanced around. The living room was empty and you heard Tommy and Maria's television on upstairs, so you headed into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. You had assumed Joel had been in his bedroom as well, so you nearly jumped out of your skin when you entered the room and found him cursing to himself, hunched over the stove.
"What are you doing?" you asked. He whipped around in surprise, sucking on the pad of his thumb. Then you saw the pot on the stove in front of him and wrinkled your nose.
"I think I fucked up boxed mac and cheese," he said, finally releasing his finger so he could turn his attention back to the stove. You grinned and sidled up next to him, peering over his shoulder.
"Yeah, smells like it."
"Shut up," he grumbled, swatting you playfully with a hand towel. You laughed and opened the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water and some leftover ground beef.
"Throw that shit away, I'll make you something," you said, padding around the kitchen barefoot. Joel scraped the burnt noodles into the trash and ran some water under the pot so it could soak before sitting down to watch you assemble what looked like nachos.
"How was your date?" he finally forced himself to ask, hoping his voice didn't sound strained. It was almost painful watching you cook for him in a pretty little dress you wore for another man. The whole scene was too domestic and he couldn't stop his mind from wandering.
"Good," you replied, focusing on chopping up some tomatoes. "He's actually very sweet. We had a nice time."
He hummed, examining your face from the table as you worked.
"You think you'll see him again?"
You looked up at him, your fingers frozen around the knife. "Uh, yeah, probably. I guess."
Joel picked up on your hesitation and he wanted to pry further, but he held back. Instead, his eyes followed you around the kitchen as you microwaved the meat and cheese on top of the chips before sprinkling salsa and lettuce on top.
"Here," you said, putting the plate in front of him and sitting down.
"Thank you, darlin'," he said, diving in before nudging the plate in your direction. You held up your hand and shook your head.
"I'm good."
You sat in a comfortable silence scrolling on your phone while he ate. Then your phone pinged with a text. Your finger hesitated over the notification for just a moment before you opened it.
Had a great time tonight. Maybe we can get lunch together this week?
Joel watched your reaction carefully to reading what he could only assume was a text from Sam. Maybe he was just being delusional, but he could have sworn you looked less than thrilled.
"Tired?"
Your eyes snapped up to his in surprise, as if you forgot he was sitting there.
"No. Well, maybe a little. Why?"
He shrugged and picked up his empty plate, rinsing it in the sink. "Just seem kinda quiet."
You stood to join him, still staring down at your phone as you typed out a response.
Thank you, I had a great time, too. And I would love that - let me know what day you're free
You were still looking down, not paying attention when Joel's hand suddenly cupped your jaw. The jolt that shot through your body startled you, almost dropping your phone in the process. You looked up at him, all wide eyed and surprised, your gaze flickering from his dark brown eyes to his parted lips, which you just realized were inches away.
His thumb brushed over your cheek and your eyes fluttered closed, melting into his caress. Then, just as quickly as it began, he pulled his hand away, leaving your cheek ice cold where the warmth of his touch once was.
When you opened your eyes, your phone barely balancing in your shaky hands, you watched as he dragged his thumb between his lips, making a familiar noise that made your stomach clench.
"You had a little cheese on your face," he explained with a smirk.
You swallowed tightly, hoping you didn't look as flushed as you felt.
"Thanks," you whispered.
"You sure you're alright?" he asked, furrowing his brow a bit, knowing full well what he was doing but enjoying it far too much to stop. He had yet to step back and create any type of distance between you, and the proximity of his broad body and deepness of his voice was making your stomach flip.
"Mhm," was all you could manage to say. You took a deep breath but all you could smell was him and it just made everything worse. Then he whispered your name softly, his breath fanning over your face, and your knees almost buckled.
"Yeah?" you croaked, gazing up at him expectantly.
"I think you should go to bed."
You blinked and when the realization hit, it felt like a light switch flipped.
"Asshole," you muttered, narrowing your eyes, and he chuckled as he slowly backed off.
"Sorry, had to do it," he said, turning around and heading for the stairs so he could hide the stupid look on his face, delighted that he still had that kind of effect on you.
After he left, you remained cemented to the kitchen floor, listening to the water turn on and off above you as your mind reeled, trying to grapple with what just happened because unfortunately it was in that moment you realized what you were missing with Sam.
"Spark?"
You groaned and scowled at yourself in the mirror, angry that your hair was being less than cooperative.
"Yes, spark. You know. Butterflies and all that shit," you explained. Maria ushered you to sit down so she could take over hair duty, which you quickly agreed to.
"Well, it's only been a few weeks," she began, but you shook your head.
"It's been over a month. Don't you remember what it was like kissing Tommy for the first time? When you couldn't keep your hands off each other? Like you felt like you were going to just die without speaking to him every day?"
Maria gave you a look in the mirror.
"You watch too many movies."
You opened your mouth to argue, the words right on the tip of your tongue, but fortunately your brain caught up with you before you confessed to having felt all those feelings before and then some in real life. If you ever told her that Joel somehow set the bar for the men in your life, she would be like a dog with a bone.
"Yeah, maybe you're right," was all you ended up saying.
It was silent for a few minutes while Maria focused on making your hair look halfway decent for the formal charity gala you would be attending that night with Sam. Apparently, it was a dinner that the partners and only a select few attorneys from the firm attended, and Sam was out of his mind with nerves all week. He told you at least three times how shocked he was that he got the invite and what a spectacular opportunity it would be to network with higher ups from other firms.
"How's the spark in bed?" Maria asked quietly, making sure Tommy or Joel wouldn't overhear, even though you were hidden away in her master bathroom.
You gave her a guilty look and said, "we haven't had sex yet."
Her jaw dropped and she nearly burnt your scalp with the curling iron.
"Why?"
You shrugged. "Just hasn't felt right yet, I guess."
"Well, maybe tonight's the night," she said, going back to focusing on your hair. "Kind of a big step in your relationship, right? He's taking you to a big event with the partners. That has to mean something."
She had a point. Maybe it was. Then it clicked: maybe that's what you needed to feel that spark. With Joel, you slept together the day you met, which most likely caused the avalanche of feelings the following week until he told you the truth about his job and nearly broke your heart.
Maybe when you had sex with Sam it would unlock those feelings you were desperately searching for.
When you came down the stairs, clad in a floor length navy blue gown that you borrowed from Maria, Tommy was the first to see you. He turned his head from the couch where he and Joel were playing a video game and gave you a low whistle.
"Lookin' good," Tommy said, then quickly turned his attention back to the TV screen. Joel glanced up and did a double take, his eyes drifting up and down your body long enough for Tommy to triumphantly raise the controller above his head and punch the air.
"Fuckin' got you," he said, pointing at the TV, but Joel hardly even noticed. When his gaze finally made it's way back up to your face, you raised an eyebrow and tilted your head. He smirked and shrugged, not even trying to deny that he was caught red-handed.
"You look-"
The chime of the doorbell cut off Joel's compliment and he quickly clamped his mouth shut, focusing back on the video game.
"Hey," you greeted Sam with smile and a quick kiss, "I just need to put my shoes on and we can go."
"Sure thing," Sam said, taking a step inside. Maria exited the kitchen and her face lit up.
"Hey, Sam," she said, giving him a little wave. "Come meet my boyfriend and his brother."
"Shit, I left my shoes upstairs," you muttered, "be right back," you said over your shoulder, then hiked up your dress so you could take the steps two at a time.
"Sam, this is my boyfriend Tommy," Maria said, plopping down next to him on the couch. Tommy paused the video game and stood up to shake Sam's hand.
"Good to meet you," he said.
"Likewise. Heard so much 'bout you, now I can finally put a face to the name."
"Good things, I hope," joked Sam before extending an arm out to Joel.
"This is Joel, Tommy's brother," Maria said, sinking back into the couch so she could watch Joel's reaction.
"Hey, man," Sam said with a crooked grin. Joel pushed himself off the chair with a grunt and grabbed his hand, giving him a firm shake.
"Lookin' sharp," Joel said gruffly, nodding to Sam's tux.
"Oh, thanks," he replied, dropping Joel's hand so he could fix his tie. "Big fancy dinner tonight. Haven't exactly been to one of these things before. I'm hoping I can fake it well enough to not embarrass myself."
Tommy and Maria chuckled and Joel forced a smile before sitting back down. Sam squinted at him before shifting his weight with his hands perched on his hips.
"Have we met before?"
Joel looked him up and down and shook his head. "Can't say that we have."
Sam scratched his chin thoughtfully for a moment while Tommy and Maria tried to hide their grins. "You just look really familiar."
Joel smirked and crossed his arms. "I get that a lot."
"Got them!" you called as you hurried back down the stairs, unknowingly saving Sam from any more embarrassment. "Ready?"
"Yeah," Sam said, wrapping an arm around your waist and turning you towards the door. "Nice meeting you," he said with a polite wave.
"Have a great time!" Maria called, and you blew her a kiss once you slid on your shoes. Your eyes lingered on Joel for half a second before following Sam out the door.
You definitely had never been to an event like a gala before.
The place was filled with women who wore your yearly salary on their wrists and men who had probably been to countries you had never even heard of, but you weren't nervous because you had Sam by your side the whole night. He never abandoned you to talk shop with any of the important looking men in the room, even if their wives were huddled together by the bar drinking clear alcohol and gossiping amongst themselves. Sam was either wrapping his hand around your waist or lacing your fingers together at your side and he always checked to make sure you were comfortable.
At one point, one of the partners from a firm across town asked what you did and when you told him, immediately catching the bored look in his eye, Sam was quick to add you were the very best legal assistant at the firm.
"She's one of the reasons I was so successful with the Barnes case," Sam explained, giving you a sweet smile. "She stayed late to help me prepare documents for over a week. I don't know what I would have done without her organization skills."
You felt your face flush and you bashfully tucked your chin to your chest.
When you sat down for dinner, you were immediately overwhelmed with the amount of silverware choices. Nervously, you glanced around, fiddling with your napkin to buy yourself some time so you could figure out the right utensil to use by copying someone else when Sam leaned into your ear and whispered, "start from the outside and work your way in."
You grinned and bit your lip before choosing the first tiny fork to pick up a seared scallop and popped it into your mouth. Throughout the dinner, Sam chatted with the other attorneys nearby but he always kept a hand on your arm or the back of your chair, doing his best to make you feel included. Whenever there was a natural break in the conversation, he would turn back to you and ask what you thought of the food or the wine or even to quietly make fun of a few of the snooty looking women at another table.
By the end of the night, you could feel your heart flutter when he looked at you and all your worries from earlier vanished. All that remained was eagerness and excitement for what the future of your relationship held.
So when the gala was over and you walked hand in hand to his car, you pulled him in for a searing kiss, trying to express your gratitude for how sweet he was all evening and how happy he made you.
"It's getting late. Oughta get you home," he whispered against your lips, pressing your back gently against the passenger door.
"What if we went back to your place instead?" you murmured, leaving a trail of kisses down his jaw, the remnants of your lipstick smearing across his skin.
"You sure?" he asked, tipping his head back with a groan when you latched onto his neck.
"Mhmm," you hummed, then giggled when he dramatically ripped his keys out from his pocket and flung open your door.
Sam's apartment was pretty much what you expected. Well, what you quickly saw of it, anyway, seemed like a bachelor pad. Mostly bare walls, leather couch, hardly any decor other than a few framed photos but he appeared to give his bedroom more of his attention. When he was walking you backwards towards his bed, you noticed out of the corner of your eye there was a desk with a computer and three monitors and what looked like various video games scattered around an expensive looking gaming chair.
Joel played video games, too.
Stop it, you scolded yourself, closing your eyes and focusing on unbuttoning Sam's shirt.
Once you shimmied out of your dress and sunk into his mattress, he said everything right. He told you how beautiful you were and how much he liked you, and it was nice.
But it was more than just nice with Joel.
"Fuck," you grumbled.
"What's wrong?" Sam asked, slightly breathless as he gripped the base of his cock, moments away from entering you.
"Nothing, sorry," you said with a laugh, "just impatient."
"Oh," Sam replied with a little smile before notching himself at your entrance and falling to his elbows so he could kiss you.
You were pleasantly surprised to find that Sam actually knew what he was doing. He circled his hips just right, he dragged his teeth over your nipples and even remembered to grind himself against your clit for a little extra stimulation, but he was painfully quiet. You were too focused on your own noises filling the room and grew self-conscious, to the point where it was difficult for you to come.
The only time he said anything was when he murmured, "I'm close," in your ear. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders and made a few fake sounds, then whined I'm gonna come and squeezed your eyes shut, hoping he wouldn't be able to tell. And as far as you knew, he didn't.
You felt guilty at first, but after he gave you one of his shirts and you snuggled into bed next to him, you convinced yourself it was just first time jitters and next time would be better, because you liked him. You really did. He treated you well, he was handsome and smart and funny.
He was everything a girl could ever want.
Sam dropped you off early the next morning in the hopes you would be able to sneak into the house before everyone woke up. You gave him a kiss when he walked you up the porch, your lips lingering a few extra seconds before pulling back with a smile.
"I'll call you later."
"Okay," you said, biting your lip and watching him walk back to his car. You slipped off your high heels as he backed out of the driveway, your feet still aching from wearing them all night, and then slid your key into the door as quietly as you could. Much to your relief, the house seemed silent when you snuck inside. You gathered up your dress so you wouldn't trip on it and gently placed your shoes on the ground before turning around and immediately knocking your elbow into the railing of the stairs.
"Fuck!" you whispered to yourself, rubbing the sore spot angrily as tears welled up in your eyes. Then the door to the kitchen swung open and out stepped Joel, a concerned look painted across his face until he took in your disheveled hair and wrinkled dress. His eyes clouded over before meeting your gaze.
"What are you doing up?" you asked as quietly as you could, the pain in your elbow slowly receding.
"I got work," he said, his jaw tense. You held his stare for a moment, sensing something was simmering just underneath the surface, but when it became clear he wasn't going to say anything else, you turned towards the stairs.
"Coulda let someone know you were plannin' on not comin' home."
Slowly, you turned around and glared at him.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. Had m-" he stuttered, "had Maria worried sick."
"That's funny because I don't have any missed calls or texts from her," you challenged, narrowing your eyes and crossing your arms.
He shrugged. "Probably eventually figured out what you were doin'."
You could feel the heat rising and spreading across your chest.
"Sounds like maybe Maria has a problem with that."
He scoffed and shook his head, averting his gaze while you took a deep breath, trying to quell your anger.
"God forbid any of us look after you," he said with an edge to his voice.
You took a step towards him and furrowed your brow. "I don't need you looking after me, I was with my boyfriend, I was perfectly fine."
Joel flinched at the word boyfriend and clenched his teeth. "You sure 'bout that? 'Cause you seem to be forgettin' you needed my help with the last one."
You took another step closer, now having to crane your neck to look up at him.
"Sam's better than Charlie. He's good to me," you snapped.
A muscle in his jaw twitched and his gaze flicked back and forth between your eyes and lips as the heat burned between you. You continued to stare him down, anger coursing through your veins, which quickly blended with arousal when he casually propped his arm on the wall next to you, partially caging you in.
"How good?" he asked lowly, your stomach clenching at his tone.
You swallowed and tried to collect yourself. "I'm not playing some stupid game this time, Joel."
"I'm not, either," he countered, tilting his head a bit, his gaze raking up and down your body. "I hope he knows what he's got, but I got a feelin' he wouldn't know the first thing to do with you."
"Is that your professional opinion?" you asked, dodging the unasked question. When he leaned in closer, you caught a whiff of his shampoo mixed with his natural scent and you struggled to stay focused.
"Nope. It's my very personal opinion." He ducked his head so he could whisper in your ear and your eyes fluttered closed while trembling fingers unconsciously gripped the hem of his shirt. When his other hand gently squeezed your waist, your body automatically responded to his touch, melting into him and tilting your chin so his lips ghosted over yours. And just when you were about to do something incredibly stupid, you both heard footsteps above you sleepily walking down the hallway towards the top of the stairs. You each sprung apart and turned away, Joel retreating back into the kitchen and you gathering your dress with your heart hammering wildly in your chest.
What the fuck was that?
"Oh, boy! I know that look!" Maria teased once she laid eyes on you.
"Yeah, yeah," you mumbled, trying to brush past her so you could hide in your bedroom and figure out what the hell was going on with you, but she grabbed your arm.
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah, of course, why?" you said, hoping you sounded believable.
"You just look a little rattled and flushed," she said, taking a closer look at you. You forced a laugh and gently slid your arm out of her grasp.
"Just drank too much, I guess," you told her, "I'm gonna go shower."
"Yeah, alright," she replied, eyeing you up but letting you go, "then I wanna hear all the details about last night!" she called up after you right as you turned down the hallway. You cringed, knowing Joel certainly heard that comment, and quickly locked yourself in your bedroom.
You heard Joel say goodbye to Maria but only once you heard his truck start up and back out of the driveway did you risk leaving your room to go shower. You let the hot water pelt your skin as you stood there with your face buried in the palms of your hands, trying to rationalize what had just happened.
Should you tell Sam?
No, you immediately decided. Nothing technically happened. There was nothing to tell.
Should you talk to Joel and make sure he understood that couldn't happen again?
Probably. But not yet. You needed some time to cool off and gather your thoughts. His friendship meant a lot to you, and so did Sam. You didn't want to do anything to ruin either relationship, so you needed to be careful.
Fortunately, you had the rest of the day to think without Joel's looming presence. Once you got out of the shower and went back to your bedroom to dress, you saw you had a missed text and your heart skipped a beat, thinking it was Joel, but when you opened it and realized it was Sam you should have known you were in trouble: your heart should be skipping a beat for your boyfriend, not your roommate.
He shouldn't have gotten his hopes up, he knew that. But he couldn't help it. The way you leaned into him that morning, all breathless and needy, told him two things: that boy clearly didn't satisfy you if you were that weak in the knees for another man minutes after leaving him, and secondly but most importantly, you still wanted him. Whatever little game of chicken you two had played here and there over the past month was different than what had happened that morning.
But when he came home later that afternoon, you acted as if nothing ever happened. Not even one knowing glance or lingering touch. You smiled at him sweetly and joked with him like usual, and at first he thought it was for Tommy and Maria's benefit, but even after they went to bed and he stayed downstairs to watch a movie with you, you still acted completely indifferent.
And the rest of the week was more of the same, to the point where he wondered if he dreamed up what happened. What almost happened.
It was driving him crazy.
So maybe it contributed to his mood on Friday night when the three of you had planned to go visit Tommy at the bar and you excitedly invited Sam. If you picked up on the tension when you mentioned your boyfriend's name, you didn't make it known, which annoyed him even more.
When Sam arrived that evening and you gave him a kiss, Joel made sure to busy himself with getting some water so he wouldn't have to watch. Were you doing this to mess with him? No, you wouldn't do that. You're not that type of person. Then a pit formed in his stomach when he figured it out: you regretted it.
The thought made him sick.
He watched you hop into Sam's car after he claimed he wanted to drive separate in case he wanted to leave early, giving you a wink that made his blood boil.
How could he be so stupid? Of course you wouldn't leave Sam for him. It was foolish for him to ever think that in the first place. Sam actually had his life together, and as much as it pained him to admit it, he did actually seem pretty nice and smart. Besides, you made your feelings very clear about his job and you set your boundaries. He had to respect that.
But it didn't stop him from occasionally staring daggers in Sam's direction at the bar when no one was looking. Unfortunately, you happened to catch one of those moments and frowned at him from across the booth, which he ignored before tossing back a shot of tequila with a wince.
"Hey, maybe Joel knows about the video game you were telling me about," you said to Sam, raising your voice over the music. The place was always too fucking loud and there wasn't even a decent dance floor. Joel never understood why the owner pushed for the bar to be more like a nightclub if he didn't even allow the patrons an area to dance. People were constantly elbowing each other to and from the bar or crowding groups who were trying to have a quieter night in a booth.
"Y'know, if they knock out those beams and get rid of that skinny table no one ever sits at, they could build out a dance floor and make this place less fuckin' crowded," Joel said, staring off at the beams in question.
"Joel, did you hear Sam?" you pushed, drawing his attention back to the table.
"Huh?"
"He asked you a question," you said, furrowing your brow even more. He knew what you were trying to do. He wanted you and your boyfriend to be friends. With a sigh, Joel glanced over at Sam, who was giving him a friendly smile with his arm draped around your shoulders.
"Sorry," Joel muttered, shaking his head before tossing back the rest of his beer. Maria cleared her throat next to him. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah," he said, dropping the bottle back onto the table a little louder than he wanted to, making you and Maria jump. "What'dya say, Sam?"
"Oh, nothing," he said, removing his arm and giving Joel a shrug. "Just asked if you picked up the new Call of Duty game?"
"Oh, right," Joel said, scratching his beard, trying to ignore the way your hand rested on Sam's thigh. "Nah, not yet. Been busy at work."
"You know, I'm not sure you've ever told me what Joel does," Sam said, turning to you. Your face paled and you gave him a nervous smile.
"I'm in the entertainment industry," Joel said gruffly. You shot him a look of relief but he ignored it.
"Oh, that's cool. Doing what?"
Maria shifted in her seat next to him.
"I'm an actor," Joel said, holding Sam's gaze and wondering if he would finally make the connection. But he wouldn't. Not that night, anyway.
"That sounds awesome," Sam told him, leaning forward eagerly. "Have I seen you in anything?"
Maria hid her grin behind her closed fist and you spoke up.
"Does anyone want anything to drink?"
"Depends on what you're into," Joel said to Sam, locking eyes with you for a moment, wondering if you would recognize the same line he said to you when you first met. The night that changed everything.
You did.
Sam opened his mouth to ask more questions but Joel stood up.
"I'm gonna go for a smoke," he said, abruptly leaving the table and pushing through the throngs of people, grumbling under his breath once again about the disorganization of the bar.
You and Maria exchanged glances, watching Joel's retreating form disappear into the crowd.
"I'll be right back, I'm gonna get a drink," you told them, leaving Sam and Maria to talk about work as you weaved your way through the people towards the front door.
You stumbled outside and wrapped your arms around yourself, shivering a bit at the cool night air as you glanced around, trying to spot Joel amongst the scattered groups of people. Not finding him, you walked down the sidewalk toward the corner, wondering if he left, when you heard a lighter flick somewhere down the alley between the bar and the laundromat next door.
"What are you doing?" you asked Joel when he glanced up from his cigarette to look at you. He leaned against the brick wall and took a deep puff.
"What's it look like?" he asked, smoke swirling in the air between you when he spoke.
"You know what I mean," you said, angrily fanning the smoke away from your face. "Why are you being rude to Sam?"
"I ain't bein' rude."
"Well, you're not being nice. You've been acting weird all night," you told him, stepping next to him so you could remove yourself from the path of his exhale.
"C'mon, don't play games with me," he muttered, rolling his eyes and turning his head away from you.
"What the hell does that mean?"
"You fuckin' know what I mean!" he said angrily, glaring down at you now. "We ever gonna talk 'bout last weekend or you gonna keep pretending you're happy with him?"
You gawked at him, blinking rapidly in surprise before finding your voice. "I-I am happy."
"Yeah, right," he scoffed, taking another drag from his cigarette.
"I am!" you insisted, trying to sound more confident.
"If you're so happy, then why was that pretty little pussy beggin' for me a few days ago?" he growled, flicking his cigarette on the ground and closing the distance between you, making you stumble backwards.
Your cheeks burned, heart thundering in your chest as you desperately tried to maintain a clear head, but you were failing.
"That's not funny."
"You see me laughin'?"
You set your jaw and glared at him, watching his eyes darken the longer he stared down at you, daring you to make a move.
Before you even knew what you were doing, you grabbed his shirt and pulled him down, crashing your mouth against his hungrily. Joel's hands flew up to cup your face, his fingertips pressing into the soft flesh of your cheeks as his mind went blank and his body took over. He pushed you up against the cool brick, the stone scraping your shoulders but you didn't seem phased. You wanted it just as badly as he did.
It was messy and urgent, the way your tongues licked into each other's mouths and your teeth clashed together, but it was perfect. He groaned when you bit at his lower lip and you gasped when he ground his hips into you and the next morning, you would remember the way your heart raced and your hands shook, something that Sam, as much as you wanted him to, never managed to do. But in that moment, all you could think about was how he tasted like cigarettes and tequila, a combination of smells you always associated with Joel but now you could commit the taste to your memory, as well.
"Fuck, I want you," Joel mumbled as his mouth dragged over your jaw and nibbled at your earlobe, drawing out a low moan from your throat. "Never stopped wantin' you."
You tilted your head back against the brick, closing your eyes and licking your lips. Your fingers carded through his hair when you whispered me, too, and his kisses grew more urgent. His lips latched onto your throat as he reached down to grip your waist, his hands bunching up your top as he eagerly searched for your skin, and then... your phone chirped loudly in your back pocket, violently pulling you out of your lust-filled haze.
Your eyes snapped open with the realization of what you had done, the guilt slamming into you like a punch to the gut.
"Oh, my god," you said, voice crystal clear and no longer laced with desire. Joel instantly noticed and begrudgingly lifted his head but kept his hands on your waist. You slapped your palm over your mouth and squeezed your eyes shut, hoping to stop the tears from falling.
"Hey-" Joel said softly, and when you opened your eyes to look at him, you could see the concern in his face.
"I'm sorry," you sobbed, taking a step away, his hands falling to his side. "I d-don't know what... god, Joel, I'm so sorry." The tears began to fall and you hastily wiped them away. Joel shook his head and took a step closer to you.
"Don't apologize," he said, "I wanted it. I want you. I told you-"
"I know, but... this can't... we can't..." you trailed off, sniffling as you pulled out your phone and your face crumpled once again. "Shit, it's Sam. They're looking for me."
"Leave him."
You looked up at Joel and your tears temporarily slowed. "What?"
"Leave him and be with me," he said steadily, his gaze unwavering. "Please," he whispered after too long a silence. He felt like he had just cut his heart out of his own chest and handed it to you.
"You know I can't," you whispered back. He pressed his lips in a firm line and dropped his gaze. Your phone chimed again and you took a step towards the sidewalk. "I'm sorry, Joel," you said, your voice dripping with shame. He just nodded and pulled out his cigarettes and by the time he had one lit, you were gone.
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