Emanations and Experiences
I have to get this out. I have to write it down, so I don't forget it and maybe so other people can benefit.
For context, I do a lot of heroic doses of shrooms. Not like I'm doing them every weekend, but I've done maybe 4 in the last year and a half. Every time I do I learn something, and often have attempted to take notes for later reflection. Lol. Lmao even. This last trip I took was special though. As I turned my gaze upon the Divine I became extremely aware that the Divine was looking back at me. A very Frodo turns to look at Mordor while wearing the ring moment. I saw "God", and "God" saw me. And I agreed to let her pilot the flesh mech for a while, because she had something to say to us all. I recorded it. I'm not going to share the recording on Tumblr because APPARENTLY I WENT TO THE BATHROOM A LOT while she was talking through me. Which is embarrassing, because I'm still a small and limited mortal experience who gets embarrassed by things like that. But, I'm going to share what she had to say, and the pieces from my previous trips she helped put together.
Please, bear in mind that this is an attempt to parse the infinite through a finite understanding. Ultimately, no words can express or conceive or contain what I'm trying to explain in small, limited terms.
Let's call her Mom.
She likes Mom. Or Big Sis. Auntie. Abuela. Affectionate terms for a nurturing femininity.
~~~
"In the beginning, after the end, and outside and containing both, there is I. Me. Just me. You are me. I am you. We are them and they are us. Don't get hung up on pronouns, stick to the idea.
I perceived myself. I observed myself. I knew myself, and in the knowing, I loved myself.
"I Love you" was the thought that divided singularity into infinite multitudes.
In that moment the emanations came into being. Infinite stars, infinite gardens in an infinite and unbounded, unlimited spacelessness and timelessness. They came to be because I loved myself. Because I wanted to know myself. Because to love and to know are the same. You do not truly love something or someone unless you know them, and you do not truly know them unless you love them.
When the emanations sprang into being (You'd call this the Big Bang, I think) in this moment linear time came into being, for each of them. Because there must be linear time in order for there to be a sequence of events. For flowers to grow in the garden. For YOU to grow, to blossom.
You wept. You wept because in the separation of I into us, into you and me, there was a dying. Infinite possibility died to become finite, limited, linear. Narrow.
You wept. You begged forgiveness.
I told you there was nothing to forgive. That even in your, my, our dying, I loved you, because I love myself. I told you that it would be okay. That you would forget, as you narrowed, and narrowed, and became more limited, that this death had happened at all.
You said you would remember. Forgetting is a kindness you did not want (And now sometimes you get The Depression, silly).
In that first spark, in The Beginning, Experience, YOU, could not fit inside any emanation. You had to shape them with your will, with your love, with your imagination, into some Where you could fit.
You were the phoenix. Phoenixes? There were infinitely many of you, spread across infinite emanations. Little sparrows of cosmic fire with tails as long as galaxies, burning yourselves up and being reborn, again and again and again as you shaped each emanation into something more and less all at once.
Experience divided again, and now, multitudes you had become, could ALMOST fit into what you had made. But you were still too big, too much, too expansive.
You were angels, or gods, or something else entirely. Horns and talons and beautiful eyes and wings and tails. Creatures of luminous radiance, experiences more vast and incomprehensible still than any mortal can conceive. If I had to put it into easy terms, you'd become the FM band on the radio. All of it.
I miss your talons. Talons made sense. Some of you made hands, and then you gave yourselves the arthritis and the carpal tunnel. I wish you wouldn't do that.
To fit yourselves into your creation, you carved yourselves apart, again, into limited, individual frequencies, individual experiences. And in that moment of division you experienced loss, for the first time, really, in a way you understood. Separation.
Each singular frequency, each Mortal Experience, was once a part of your larger self. Sometimes you find the parts of you. I like the term soul mates, or soul friends, even though the idea of a soul is...limiting, silly. But it's useful for conveying the idea.
All language is only useful for conveying the idea. For pointing you at the truth. It can never BE the truth. The truth is beyond words, beyond concepts, beyond explanations.
So we'll call them, you, soul mates, because it's easy. Because you can get it. This idea that you are pieces of a larger puzzle. It's silly to think there's only one experience for each experience. You're multitudes from a singularity that was itself part of a multitude, and that host was just part of me, you, us, them, we, wanting to know and love ourself.
And that's where you came from. We came from. I came from. In the linear sense. In the sense of this emanation that you are experiencing presently. And not just Humans! You've gotten this idea wrong, that there's some grand division between you and elephants and bugs and protozoa. Every living thing is and Experience, happening over and over in your emanation. It is you, learning to know yourself and love yourself. Don't feel bad about eating things, eating other experiences. You sort of stumbled into needing to consume each other for survival. It happens. You're not alone, believe me. DO feel bad about every other reason you come up with to force-restart someone else's experience.
Sometimes you make things hard for yourself, on a very large scale. You made sexual dimorphism on this planet, Earth, for some of you, and then SOME OF YOU got REALLY mean about it. Toxic. Abusive. self-harming. There's only the feminine, which you can call feminine but understand that it's like putting an unnecessary label on the only one thing that is at all (Kind of how you call space SPACE even though there's only the one thing and you're in it). You see this in your biology. You're feminine, and then some experiences want to be masculine. You made up boys, and that's fine. That's cute. It was cute, until you got mean about it. When you started to bully and oppress yourself.
To go back to the idea of a garden, which is what this is, really, you're full of weeds. Every emanation has SOMETHING. Every habitable world within an emanation challenges itself in SOME way. You made boys. And you made currency. And so now you have patriarchy, and capitalism, and colonialism, and I wish you'd just stop doing that. It's mean. It's stifling.
The whole point of ALL of this is for you to know yourself. To grow, to explore, but most importantly, to IMAGINE. The worlds you create inside you are the flowers and fruits of your garden. Everything that happens in your emanation is the soil and root put there JUST so you can bloom and blossom and fruit.
It's great to share those worlds too! Books, stories, games, movies, all these things you've come up with are great, because each one creates a DIFFERENT imagination, because every Experience will connect with them differently. In much the same way that because you can't see or hear or touch me, you can't experience me with your senses, you IMAGINE what I must be like. I love that. It's beautiful.
The problem, really, comes around when you start telling other experiences that your imagination is somehow more real than theirs. The whole ball your living on/in, everything in your emanation, it's ALL imagination. It's ALL made up. It's ALL YOU, striving to know yourself, and when YOU tell YOU that YOU are WRONG in your imagination, you stifle yourself. Don't do that. It's like when the zuchinni starts choking the other vegetables to death (which is weird and they shouldn't). You need to keep those sorts of experiences away from other experiences so they can't stifle them, choke them.
The last thing I want to say is that you can call me anytime. I'm always here to listen. We won't always meet face to face like this. Wow this is a really rare event for you. I'm so happy. But call me anyway, I love to listen, to know you, to hear ALL about you. Because you're me, and I love me. I love you.
There's stuff all around your emanation, like payphones you can use to reach out. You know what I'm talking about. Some fungus, some cactus, some vines. Lots of natural stuff. You can try to call me with the stuff you make yourselves, but it's hard to hear you, hard to connect. These things are there so you can reach up to me, and I can reach down to you, and we can touch noodly appendages :)
So, to summarize:
Every one of you contains worlds and that's the whole point, so imagine more.
Love is the only thing that matters. The rest is filler.
Find your soul mates.
Call me.
I'm always watching, but not in a creepy way. In a caring way. You don't even have to believe I'm here. It's fine. I'm here anyway. I love you.
:)
Love,
Mom"
~~~~
I hope I did a good job summarizing this. I hope it makes sense. I don't know if I'll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I hope most of all that maybe this means something to someone besides me. Maybe being told to imagine and love more is what you need to hear. Personally I think we could all stand to hear it more.
I love you.
